2010
My initial reaction would have been,not a good year.
But then I pause and think. Really? Was it really a bad year? Because it seems to be the year God showed up for me the most.
God helped me. Through perhaps the most turbulent periods of my young life. The fact that I am still here, standing, alive, well, means that something went right this year. Because you can't really know salvation until you are at the point of total helplessness. I think back to the days when I was just...sad. I did not know how I would get through the day. I would lock my room door and just cry. Tears in the morning, at the middle of the night, in the afternoon. And I know now that God really did save me.
Somehow or the other, He put me together enough to study and finish well. Only He could have done that really, because all the signs pointed towards my inability.
I appreciate anew the fact that before you can really enjoy the good, you must have tasted the bad. Me, I wallowed in it for a while. But even when I could not see Him,or feel Him, or when I could not talk to Him, He was always there.
In 2010, God covered my shame. Many times when I was doing stupid things that would have ruined my name or destroyed me, He covered me. He did not allow the world to see my struggles, my falls. Times when my stupidity was too obvious, He still covered me. He gave me multiple chances. So many that I lost count. He showed me what He meant by His mercies being new every morning. To me, the least deserving of men.
He answered my prayers. This could not have been because of my good works, because I had no good works really. I seemed to botch that one everytime. It could not have been that. He is just like that you see. He'll be your friend when you're not His, and He'll be there till the very end.
And so in 2011 I have no resolutions. No grand plan to do this or not do that. Nope. I have one goal and one goal only. To simply live. Jesus said, that He has come, so we might have life, and have it more abundantly. Well, that abundant life is what I seek. I just want to live. And I will. God helping me, I will.
I cannot thank You enough, but I will do the best I can.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Randomish...
I'm rather disgusted with myself at the moment. I think the worse kind of offences are the ones which u know are wrong, and u have no justification for them, but you do them anyway. So now I'm wondering, why? Why not just..well, not do it? Why do we make wrong choices knowing fully well that the consequences will be bad? Do I chuck it up to carelessness, stupidity, or just the recalcitrant human nature? I don't know. I wonder how God does it. We mess up terribly, but somehow He is still interested in forgiveness. Don't mean there won't be consequences though, and that is what I'm kinda worried about.
Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.
I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.
Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.
I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.
Dear Future Husband...
Hello you...
Chances are that we've met. Or maybe we havent, and we will later. But either ways, I take it that we are both getting ourselves together now, so that when it's time, we'll be at a good place, and we'll relate properly, with no encumberances.
I don't know what you'll call me. I'm sure you'll come up with something nice, or maybe it'll be special just by the way you say my name. Anyhow, it's fine by me.
Right now, I'm trying to put my life in proper order, to be a master in my art. I'm trying to be the best God wants me to be, so that i will be strong for both of us when the time comes. I trust that you are doing the same.
But I can tell you certain things for sure. Because I have chosen you, God helping me, I will always have your back. No matter what. By God's special grace, you and I are gonna be together for a very long time. So It wont matter what life throws at us. You ll always have me. Like the song says, whether its 1 naira, or 1 million, or 1 billion(which is where we'll be!), baby, you've got me. You are the only one I'll see, and I'll stay with you if you'll stay with me. So ours is gonna be a forever. When you feel like there's so much stress at work, you'll hurry home as fast as you can, because your baby will be waiting for you, to listen and help you feel better. I'll be there to give you tough advice, to tell you the truth. I'll help you be the person you want to be, the person I know you can be. When I say something that hurts you, you'll be able to tell me, or when I'm taking things too seriously, you'll lovingly tell me to calm down. We won't be perfect, but our love will reflect in everything we do. You ll respect me and my opinions, and I will respect yours.
You and I will help each other to reach heights of passion and satisfaction. My body will be yours, and yours mine. We won't be a boring couple, that I can assure you. We'll keep things fresh and hot, because you'll need me, and I'll need you.
I'll be your best buddy. Yes, you'll have friends, and i'll know all of them and probably like them. They'll know me as your madam, and my friends will know you are my oga. But everyone will be able to see that ours is not a relationship of servitude. We'll get each other, and give room for the other to grow. With a look, or the tone ofyour voice, I'll know that you don't like something, or something is wrong.
I know we'll come across other hot girls, or fine guys. But while we will acknowledge God's beauty, they will only remind us of how we have something better at home.
You ll be my soul mate. My leader, My head. You'll be my best friend, my lover, my teacher. You ll pray for me, as I will pray for you. Your secrets, and your heart will be safe with me, because I will try my best to guard them with all I have. You and I will serve God together, and we'll help each other attain maximum potential.
When kids come along, we'll love them wholeheartedly. They will never be afraid to speak, share their fears or their concerns. We will teach them to love God, to work hard, to dream great things. We will allow them to cry, to make mistakes, to grow. You and I will raise godly children.
And when we are old and grey, we will sit on the couch, still holding hands, still laughing at each other's jokes. We will still tell each other 'i love you' at the beginning, middle and end of each day. We will still write letters to each other on valentines day. I'll still listen to your heartbeat as we fall asleep, limbs intertwined.
You and I will weather the storms together, because God will be on our side, and our love will grow and flourish. I will be your treasure and your pride, as you will be mine.
Dear future husband, loving you is my privilege, my pleasure, my pride.
Chances are that we've met. Or maybe we havent, and we will later. But either ways, I take it that we are both getting ourselves together now, so that when it's time, we'll be at a good place, and we'll relate properly, with no encumberances.
I don't know what you'll call me. I'm sure you'll come up with something nice, or maybe it'll be special just by the way you say my name. Anyhow, it's fine by me.
Right now, I'm trying to put my life in proper order, to be a master in my art. I'm trying to be the best God wants me to be, so that i will be strong for both of us when the time comes. I trust that you are doing the same.
But I can tell you certain things for sure. Because I have chosen you, God helping me, I will always have your back. No matter what. By God's special grace, you and I are gonna be together for a very long time. So It wont matter what life throws at us. You ll always have me. Like the song says, whether its 1 naira, or 1 million, or 1 billion(which is where we'll be!), baby, you've got me. You are the only one I'll see, and I'll stay with you if you'll stay with me. So ours is gonna be a forever. When you feel like there's so much stress at work, you'll hurry home as fast as you can, because your baby will be waiting for you, to listen and help you feel better. I'll be there to give you tough advice, to tell you the truth. I'll help you be the person you want to be, the person I know you can be. When I say something that hurts you, you'll be able to tell me, or when I'm taking things too seriously, you'll lovingly tell me to calm down. We won't be perfect, but our love will reflect in everything we do. You ll respect me and my opinions, and I will respect yours.
You and I will help each other to reach heights of passion and satisfaction. My body will be yours, and yours mine. We won't be a boring couple, that I can assure you. We'll keep things fresh and hot, because you'll need me, and I'll need you.
I'll be your best buddy. Yes, you'll have friends, and i'll know all of them and probably like them. They'll know me as your madam, and my friends will know you are my oga. But everyone will be able to see that ours is not a relationship of servitude. We'll get each other, and give room for the other to grow. With a look, or the tone ofyour voice, I'll know that you don't like something, or something is wrong.
I know we'll come across other hot girls, or fine guys. But while we will acknowledge God's beauty, they will only remind us of how we have something better at home.
You ll be my soul mate. My leader, My head. You'll be my best friend, my lover, my teacher. You ll pray for me, as I will pray for you. Your secrets, and your heart will be safe with me, because I will try my best to guard them with all I have. You and I will serve God together, and we'll help each other attain maximum potential.
When kids come along, we'll love them wholeheartedly. They will never be afraid to speak, share their fears or their concerns. We will teach them to love God, to work hard, to dream great things. We will allow them to cry, to make mistakes, to grow. You and I will raise godly children.
And when we are old and grey, we will sit on the couch, still holding hands, still laughing at each other's jokes. We will still tell each other 'i love you' at the beginning, middle and end of each day. We will still write letters to each other on valentines day. I'll still listen to your heartbeat as we fall asleep, limbs intertwined.
You and I will weather the storms together, because God will be on our side, and our love will grow and flourish. I will be your treasure and your pride, as you will be mine.
Dear future husband, loving you is my privilege, my pleasure, my pride.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Goodbye 21
Dear 21,
We have been together, u and I, for 365 days. When we started out, I had absolutely no clue of what was ahead. But now I have seen. You have come, and now it is time to go.
21,I experienced in you great joys. I made a true friend. Perhaps he is one of the best things that happened to me this year. The kind of friend that would stick by me through anything, make me laugh alot. He cherished times we spent together too much, and he placed me on a pedestal, which although was quite high, it still gave allowances for my weaknesses. Yes, I will remember you, 21, for that, because he is my friend, a breath of fresh air on a gloomy day.
In you 21, God answered my prayers. He heard the cry of this imperfect girl, and He paid attention to me. I finished from the University with a grade that I was awfully close to losing. I'm in law school in a campus I had already lost. But God...He was especially good to me.
I started discovering the path that my life may be taking. In you 21, i began to see plans forming in my head, goals emerging.
In you 21, i had love. The kind that some people never find in their lifetime. I found the kind of love that made me want to give my all, to put the welfare of another before mine. The kind of love that delights the body, amazes the mind, joins souls. The kind that words are inadequate to fully express.
In you 21, i found a training ground. A training that seemed more like suffering than anything else. I felt pain. That kind of pain that cannot really be explained, that others cannot fully understand. I felt sorrow that lasted, left me without sleep or appetite, with little zest for life. The kind that kept my head bowed low as I walked down the street, or made the sound of traffic more appealing than the sound of my own thoughts.
21. You showed me different sides of myself. You exposed my weakness, my humanity, my need. You wounded me, bruised me, tore me apart,and somehow, refused to let me go.
21, I cannot say that I am sad at your departure. It would seem that in quantity, the pain in you outweighed the joys. But in quality, you left me with scars and a million things to be grateful for.
Now, I have paid my dues. I have paid in sorrow, in tears, in sadness. I have struggled, fought, fallen, risen. I have paid my dues, and now it's time for me to move ahead.
21. I know I will never forget you. But I am glad we are to part ways. Thank you for the lessons, thank you. My once in a lifetime companion, I applaud you as you gracefully bow out.
Goodbye, 21.
We have been together, u and I, for 365 days. When we started out, I had absolutely no clue of what was ahead. But now I have seen. You have come, and now it is time to go.
21,I experienced in you great joys. I made a true friend. Perhaps he is one of the best things that happened to me this year. The kind of friend that would stick by me through anything, make me laugh alot. He cherished times we spent together too much, and he placed me on a pedestal, which although was quite high, it still gave allowances for my weaknesses. Yes, I will remember you, 21, for that, because he is my friend, a breath of fresh air on a gloomy day.
In you 21, God answered my prayers. He heard the cry of this imperfect girl, and He paid attention to me. I finished from the University with a grade that I was awfully close to losing. I'm in law school in a campus I had already lost. But God...He was especially good to me.
I started discovering the path that my life may be taking. In you 21, i began to see plans forming in my head, goals emerging.
In you 21, i had love. The kind that some people never find in their lifetime. I found the kind of love that made me want to give my all, to put the welfare of another before mine. The kind of love that delights the body, amazes the mind, joins souls. The kind that words are inadequate to fully express.
In you 21, i found a training ground. A training that seemed more like suffering than anything else. I felt pain. That kind of pain that cannot really be explained, that others cannot fully understand. I felt sorrow that lasted, left me without sleep or appetite, with little zest for life. The kind that kept my head bowed low as I walked down the street, or made the sound of traffic more appealing than the sound of my own thoughts.
21. You showed me different sides of myself. You exposed my weakness, my humanity, my need. You wounded me, bruised me, tore me apart,and somehow, refused to let me go.
21, I cannot say that I am sad at your departure. It would seem that in quantity, the pain in you outweighed the joys. But in quality, you left me with scars and a million things to be grateful for.
Now, I have paid my dues. I have paid in sorrow, in tears, in sadness. I have struggled, fought, fallen, risen. I have paid my dues, and now it's time for me to move ahead.
21. I know I will never forget you. But I am glad we are to part ways. Thank you for the lessons, thank you. My once in a lifetime companion, I applaud you as you gracefully bow out.
Goodbye, 21.
Christmas Day musing, and all that...
By golly, there is nothing that irritates me more than 'odeishious' songs. Classic example, the rather talently deficient Kas. I mean he probably has other talents, but music aint one of them. He was just lucky to have struck a catchy phrase, and a nice beat. It would however appear that he's stuck there. Because every other song on the album has almost the same beat. So if I'm not mixing up facts, he is behind the song, 'whine for me'. Stupid song says whine for me girl I've got money. So bloody what? Did I say i did not have money of my own? Who wants your smelly money? If your only consideration for asking me to whine is cos you've got money, then you can shove it. Like do I look like a prostitute? Anyway, I blame him not. It's the girls that have been answering him and giving the rest of us a bad name. Plus the ones that are screwing all things screwable in exchange for BBs and other petty favors. It don't get any more pathetic than that. Girls, and guys, really do need to realise just how much they are worth. As you may have gathered, I find that song awfully insulting.
But that's not why I'm writing joh. Its the song playing outside my window that irritated me, and I decided to rant a bit. Back on course...
I spent Christmas day generally just lounging. After I worked so hard that my body was twitching with fatigue yesterday, I decided that I cannot come and go and die. So I've been going through the tons of movies my bro has on his hard drive. I came across this English/Japanese movie that was totally hilarious! It's all cheesy and stuff, but I love it! And I'm about to tell you why...
First off, the main guy in the movie is such a hottie!!! I mean I have never been so enthusiastic about a fine boy like this...Dayum! This guy is a specimen of male goodness, a hunker-hunker-bunning-yum! Gosh, I am sincerely blown away...and I don't get that easily blown away. So this was already good motivation to watch the movie. And the story line was really sweet. Nothing outta the ordinary really, your somewhat predictable love story, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe because it reminded me of the books I used to read a while ago, when love was simple and sincere. Now I can gush over this fellow because its a movie, and its majorly fictional and all. It dont mean that if I saw such a fine fellow in real life, i would be so enthusiastic. Because reality is reality, and while I try to give all people a minimum benefit of doubt, I'm not too optimistic, nor am I interested tangled involvements or any such thing.
So this overly cheesy mush of a movie made my christmas, because it was so sweet. And it kind of encouraged me to just keep it real. I wanna be able to live with my imperfections, embrace them, work on getting better, but maintain my own identity. So far, I have been through about three movies, will like to see inception though, but I'm also contemplating baking a cake...
Merry Christmas....and thanks be to God for sending Jesus.
But that's not why I'm writing joh. Its the song playing outside my window that irritated me, and I decided to rant a bit. Back on course...
I spent Christmas day generally just lounging. After I worked so hard that my body was twitching with fatigue yesterday, I decided that I cannot come and go and die. So I've been going through the tons of movies my bro has on his hard drive. I came across this English/Japanese movie that was totally hilarious! It's all cheesy and stuff, but I love it! And I'm about to tell you why...
First off, the main guy in the movie is such a hottie!!! I mean I have never been so enthusiastic about a fine boy like this...Dayum! This guy is a specimen of male goodness, a hunker-hunker-bunning-yum! Gosh, I am sincerely blown away...and I don't get that easily blown away. So this was already good motivation to watch the movie. And the story line was really sweet. Nothing outta the ordinary really, your somewhat predictable love story, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe because it reminded me of the books I used to read a while ago, when love was simple and sincere. Now I can gush over this fellow because its a movie, and its majorly fictional and all. It dont mean that if I saw such a fine fellow in real life, i would be so enthusiastic. Because reality is reality, and while I try to give all people a minimum benefit of doubt, I'm not too optimistic, nor am I interested tangled involvements or any such thing.
So this overly cheesy mush of a movie made my christmas, because it was so sweet. And it kind of encouraged me to just keep it real. I wanna be able to live with my imperfections, embrace them, work on getting better, but maintain my own identity. So far, I have been through about three movies, will like to see inception though, but I'm also contemplating baking a cake...
Merry Christmas....and thanks be to God for sending Jesus.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Help!
Its past two in the morning. I had a busy yesterday, and I'll be having an equally busy today. Pls why am I not sleeping? You go fear jamb question. One of the reasons might be me overstepping my boundaries yesterday at kfc with zibusiso..kai..
On to brighter things...Today is my cousin's birthday! To think I did not know we were cousins until about this time last year, and she's just 3 days older than me! Very cool... Me n my lil sis will go chill with her later, hope that ll be fun.
Yesterday was not very funny o..I was feeling adventurous and I tried out a new design on my cakes... But to my utmost horror, my customer did not like it! I was not at all amused, after all my hard work. Oh well, I have no one else to blame but myself, so once beaten, several times shy.
I have found that in my time at the law school, I will be acquiring and honing certain skills. These are not the things you get taught in class. These are much more important, and me being the person that I am, I have a lot to learn.
I wonder what this Christmas will be like. My bro's home, but I miss my big sis/partner in sleeplessnes-cos-of-cake. I want to go to my cousin's church on my birthday, but my Ma is being...well,my Ma. Let's see how that goes sha.Gosh, I'm getting old...
And I know I'm going to pay dearly for being up at this hour! Alright then, bedtime...
On to brighter things...Today is my cousin's birthday! To think I did not know we were cousins until about this time last year, and she's just 3 days older than me! Very cool... Me n my lil sis will go chill with her later, hope that ll be fun.
Yesterday was not very funny o..I was feeling adventurous and I tried out a new design on my cakes... But to my utmost horror, my customer did not like it! I was not at all amused, after all my hard work. Oh well, I have no one else to blame but myself, so once beaten, several times shy.
I have found that in my time at the law school, I will be acquiring and honing certain skills. These are not the things you get taught in class. These are much more important, and me being the person that I am, I have a lot to learn.
I wonder what this Christmas will be like. My bro's home, but I miss my big sis/partner in sleeplessnes-cos-of-cake. I want to go to my cousin's church on my birthday, but my Ma is being...well,my Ma. Let's see how that goes sha.Gosh, I'm getting old...
And I know I'm going to pay dearly for being up at this hour! Alright then, bedtime...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Blogging.
I need sleep. My head and stomach feel funny.My eyes feel twitchy.
I have been using the blacberry keypad way too long. I feel like an illeterate as I use my laptop. This is a bad thing.
I am glad that Jesus came and died for me. I am glad that with all my srrew-ups, He still has my time.
Whatever a man sows, he, and his children, and their children, will reap it. Its such a scary thought. What am I storing up for my children to reap?
I am putting a face to a deep desire tomorrow. I dont know what I am going to say, or how it will turn out. I need to stop thinking abut it so much.
I am employing all my faith and every promise of God that I know, to pray that Sharon is found, It hurts me deeply that she is not with her family at the moment. so deeply, you would think she was my family. Lord, please have mercy...
I have been learning new skills. Like how to store up information, and how to 'chest' pain.
I have been using the blacberry keypad way too long. I feel like an illeterate as I use my laptop. This is a bad thing.
I am glad that Jesus came and died for me. I am glad that with all my srrew-ups, He still has my time.
Whatever a man sows, he, and his children, and their children, will reap it. Its such a scary thought. What am I storing up for my children to reap?
I am putting a face to a deep desire tomorrow. I dont know what I am going to say, or how it will turn out. I need to stop thinking abut it so much.
I am employing all my faith and every promise of God that I know, to pray that Sharon is found, It hurts me deeply that she is not with her family at the moment. so deeply, you would think she was my family. Lord, please have mercy...
I have been learning new skills. Like how to store up information, and how to 'chest' pain.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Last day of school thoughts...
Hi. My name is Kemi. I'm a 21 year old Yoruba girl, will be 22 in nine days. Tall, not too shabby looking. I come from a nice family. I have a great mother. Here's my little story.
You see, I don't think of myself as extremely spectacular. I'm just a girl who has lived a good life by general standards. I ll attribute this largely to choices that some people made in their lifetime. But basically, God has been good to me.
I may not be overly extraordunary,but I'm not so ordinary either. Because of this, I have had my share of experiences, most of which have culminated into my present state of mind.
I have made some funny choices in my life. Choices that have hurt me sore, left me feeling unwanted, left me doubting my own self worth. No one should ever have to doubt their own worth, not for such a long time. No one should have to feel like they are not pretty enough,special enough or deserving enough. I guess sometimes its what life throws at us, but sometimes, its just not right.
So as I find myself in the above stated situations, wondering If I am not special enough to be fought for, to the point of actually considering leaving this earth and ending my pain, I begin to reflect on my life, the person that I am.
Finally, I realise that I am tired. I am so worn out. I actually feel like there is no strength left for me to try, to hold on. Everytime hope tries to creep into my heart, it brings in its wake a truck load of sorrow. I now wonder to myself, is this what love is about? Am I supposed to love a person till its the death of me? Am I not worth fighting for?
I have had two experiences of intense pain, one much deeper than the other. The first time, I felt seriously stupid for putting myself in such a shitty position. Like it had to have been the dumbest thing ever. At the end, it took a lot of time and distraction to get my head together. The second time was pain on a whole new level.
In conclusion? I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of begging people to love me. Tired of hoping that someone thinks I'm worth the fight, that I'm worth waiting for. I'm tired of feeling like a shameless fool who is begging for love. I'm tired of making all the effort, and getting little or nothing in return.
I'm a girl aren't I? I have a beautiful body, a heart with too much love, a brain that works. I am a hard worker, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Its time for a man who will appreciate me, to man-up and fight for me. Its high time a real man who knows my worth to step up. I'm just so tired of trying, and hoping, and getting disappointed. If you love me, fight for me.Show me I'm worth it. Because I am. I am worth it.
You see, I don't think of myself as extremely spectacular. I'm just a girl who has lived a good life by general standards. I ll attribute this largely to choices that some people made in their lifetime. But basically, God has been good to me.
I may not be overly extraordunary,but I'm not so ordinary either. Because of this, I have had my share of experiences, most of which have culminated into my present state of mind.
I have made some funny choices in my life. Choices that have hurt me sore, left me feeling unwanted, left me doubting my own self worth. No one should ever have to doubt their own worth, not for such a long time. No one should have to feel like they are not pretty enough,special enough or deserving enough. I guess sometimes its what life throws at us, but sometimes, its just not right.
So as I find myself in the above stated situations, wondering If I am not special enough to be fought for, to the point of actually considering leaving this earth and ending my pain, I begin to reflect on my life, the person that I am.
Finally, I realise that I am tired. I am so worn out. I actually feel like there is no strength left for me to try, to hold on. Everytime hope tries to creep into my heart, it brings in its wake a truck load of sorrow. I now wonder to myself, is this what love is about? Am I supposed to love a person till its the death of me? Am I not worth fighting for?
I have had two experiences of intense pain, one much deeper than the other. The first time, I felt seriously stupid for putting myself in such a shitty position. Like it had to have been the dumbest thing ever. At the end, it took a lot of time and distraction to get my head together. The second time was pain on a whole new level.
In conclusion? I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of begging people to love me. Tired of hoping that someone thinks I'm worth the fight, that I'm worth waiting for. I'm tired of feeling like a shameless fool who is begging for love. I'm tired of making all the effort, and getting little or nothing in return.
I'm a girl aren't I? I have a beautiful body, a heart with too much love, a brain that works. I am a hard worker, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Its time for a man who will appreciate me, to man-up and fight for me. Its high time a real man who knows my worth to step up. I'm just so tired of trying, and hoping, and getting disappointed. If you love me, fight for me.Show me I'm worth it. Because I am. I am worth it.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
*Sigh*...
Have I mentioned how much I do not want to be in Lagos right now? Today just showed why...
December 15. 9:42pm
I'm safe and sound! Thank God...in a bed, all covered up and warm. I carried my big head to go visit a friend, and to say it did not go as I planned is a humongous understatement. Not like I had a plan plan, but It was supposed to be pleasant at the very least. But nooo... Nothing pleasant about it.
I don't feel so good at the moment. Congestion, sore throat, head hurts,broke? Quite a cocktail of issues. So when I allowed myself to be convinced to go out with him, I did not expect that his car battery would go flat on ikorodu road, far away from my school/temporary home. I was a good sport, pushing the car and helping out. It wouldn't have been so bad if he did not piss me off at the end, which was the point where I began to regret the evening's choices. Thank God the battery didn't give way at the middle of 3rd mainland bridge...
I was pretty worried about going back to the island by myself. So worried was I that I even considered the most uncomfortable of options. Of course it was panic talking, and I realised that trekking to some other place for shelter would probably have felt better than the mortification that this option would have brought me. Thank the Lord for His timely mercies and alternatives.
In all, I'm thankful to have a bed to sleep on, and it would be a while before I agree to such trips again.
December 15. 9:42pm
I'm safe and sound! Thank God...in a bed, all covered up and warm. I carried my big head to go visit a friend, and to say it did not go as I planned is a humongous understatement. Not like I had a plan plan, but It was supposed to be pleasant at the very least. But nooo... Nothing pleasant about it.
I don't feel so good at the moment. Congestion, sore throat, head hurts,broke? Quite a cocktail of issues. So when I allowed myself to be convinced to go out with him, I did not expect that his car battery would go flat on ikorodu road, far away from my school/temporary home. I was a good sport, pushing the car and helping out. It wouldn't have been so bad if he did not piss me off at the end, which was the point where I began to regret the evening's choices. Thank God the battery didn't give way at the middle of 3rd mainland bridge...
I was pretty worried about going back to the island by myself. So worried was I that I even considered the most uncomfortable of options. Of course it was panic talking, and I realised that trekking to some other place for shelter would probably have felt better than the mortification that this option would have brought me. Thank the Lord for His timely mercies and alternatives.
In all, I'm thankful to have a bed to sleep on, and it would be a while before I agree to such trips again.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Intimacy...
Its interesting how a thought leads to a thought that leads to another thought. I remember the most intimate times I have experienced so far... I ll tell you...
The time we slept, or at least tried to sleep. The fact that we can wear the same night clothes, the navy polo you gave me. We were so comfortable with each other, you and I.
The little hand ritual. That inconsequential activity with so much potency. We would weave a magical path through each other's hands, like we were sharing that deep connection. Every time our hands touch...a little slice of heaven.
When you looked at me. I remember that day, when you stared at me in the crowd, like I was the only one you could see, that you wanted to see. And every other time when you would look at me, with anger, or frustration, with wonder, or with love, I knew...I knew.
Everytime we spoke. Oh how I loved to hear you speak. Your voice was so...beautiful. It made me feel like such a queen. You would tease me about my large forehead, or tell me something that bothered your mind. You would rouse me from sleep to go and study, you would make me laugh as you tried to tell a story. That voice...even in the longest nights, the voice at the other end made it bearable.
All our writings...the texts...sooo many texts, words that I could read and imagine you speaking them. They conveyed so much of your heart to me. Those letters that I made you write, that soon became a part of us, even though sometimes you would forget to write them in time. Everything we wrote or sent to each other, was like history being penned down, every single correspondence, precious and dear.
The music. Not just any music, but certain pieces that you selected, that just seemed to fit. Times when we were together, when I was being overly practical, and you were just enjoying the music. Songs that conveyed what we felt, what we were to each other. Songs that I would only listen to when I was around you.
I fear, that if I don't write these down, if I don't express that which occupies my mind, I would not be able to function right.
The time we slept, or at least tried to sleep. The fact that we can wear the same night clothes, the navy polo you gave me. We were so comfortable with each other, you and I.
The little hand ritual. That inconsequential activity with so much potency. We would weave a magical path through each other's hands, like we were sharing that deep connection. Every time our hands touch...a little slice of heaven.
When you looked at me. I remember that day, when you stared at me in the crowd, like I was the only one you could see, that you wanted to see. And every other time when you would look at me, with anger, or frustration, with wonder, or with love, I knew...I knew.
Everytime we spoke. Oh how I loved to hear you speak. Your voice was so...beautiful. It made me feel like such a queen. You would tease me about my large forehead, or tell me something that bothered your mind. You would rouse me from sleep to go and study, you would make me laugh as you tried to tell a story. That voice...even in the longest nights, the voice at the other end made it bearable.
All our writings...the texts...sooo many texts, words that I could read and imagine you speaking them. They conveyed so much of your heart to me. Those letters that I made you write, that soon became a part of us, even though sometimes you would forget to write them in time. Everything we wrote or sent to each other, was like history being penned down, every single correspondence, precious and dear.
The music. Not just any music, but certain pieces that you selected, that just seemed to fit. Times when we were together, when I was being overly practical, and you were just enjoying the music. Songs that conveyed what we felt, what we were to each other. Songs that I would only listen to when I was around you.
I fear, that if I don't write these down, if I don't express that which occupies my mind, I would not be able to function right.
Affidavit
December 14, 8:46pm
No, this blog has nothing to do with the title. But that's the word I have been hearing all day, and its pronounced affideyvit, not affidahfit..so there...
If there is one place which I do not want to be in, right now, it is the Nigerian Law School, Lagos Campus, Victoria Island. I want to be at the Redemption Camp! Holy Ghost Congress...*sigh*...the sights, sounds, everything would have been so pleasantly distracting from my life at the moment...*sigh again*... Ah well, I can console myself that If Jesus tarries, and by His grace, I ll be out of law school, and quite free to attend by next year.
I am in a state of mind which I cannot really explain. I'm not happy, or sad, definately not chirpy. I prefer to be on my own, easily irritated by too much talk. I miss the weekends when I was all alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm getting more sensible. No more do I take it too personal, the fact that my opinion may not mean all that much to some people. I mean hey, to everyone his life and his choices. All that self-deluding crap that I was deceiving myself with, that Oh I have some 'special power' of conviction and appeal and some sort of influence existed only in my pain-saturated mind,cos the truth of the matter is, people don't get convinced, unless they want to be convinced. And of course unless the Holy Spirit convicts them. So wetin consain me consain monkey wey wan jump for river?
Anywayz, I want Chinese rice o! But I can't afford it. I'm as broke as broke itself. Thankfully I have some business coming in this holiday, so I should be okay by the end of Christmas. In the meantime...the monthly visitor announces her arrival...And I am hungry!
No, this blog has nothing to do with the title. But that's the word I have been hearing all day, and its pronounced affideyvit, not affidahfit..so there...
If there is one place which I do not want to be in, right now, it is the Nigerian Law School, Lagos Campus, Victoria Island. I want to be at the Redemption Camp! Holy Ghost Congress...*sigh*...the sights, sounds, everything would have been so pleasantly distracting from my life at the moment...*sigh again*... Ah well, I can console myself that If Jesus tarries, and by His grace, I ll be out of law school, and quite free to attend by next year.
I am in a state of mind which I cannot really explain. I'm not happy, or sad, definately not chirpy. I prefer to be on my own, easily irritated by too much talk. I miss the weekends when I was all alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm getting more sensible. No more do I take it too personal, the fact that my opinion may not mean all that much to some people. I mean hey, to everyone his life and his choices. All that self-deluding crap that I was deceiving myself with, that Oh I have some 'special power' of conviction and appeal and some sort of influence existed only in my pain-saturated mind,cos the truth of the matter is, people don't get convinced, unless they want to be convinced. And of course unless the Holy Spirit convicts them. So wetin consain me consain monkey wey wan jump for river?
Anywayz, I want Chinese rice o! But I can't afford it. I'm as broke as broke itself. Thankfully I have some business coming in this holiday, so I should be okay by the end of Christmas. In the meantime...the monthly visitor announces her arrival...And I am hungry!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sink or Swim?
Dec 12. 10:32pm
I find it quite satisfying, that as time progresses, the less I care about some people. Not like I cease to care about their existence, but that which they do means less to me. What helps the process along is knowing that they think they have some sort of power...if only they knew. Life is way too short to put up with all the bullocks people dish out. Way too short.
Church was pretty cool today. Even though I was practically frozen, the message was still on point. Pastor Paul,spoke about wealth. Not wealth as in just money, but deeper stuff. Power Choices. Power Personalities. It encouraged me to let go of all d mediocrity in my life and hook myself up with...power. I figured the best place to start is with the biggest power Personality ever...
Today was an okay kinda day. Not spectacular, but okay. And I have some thoughts flowing through my mind. Foremost among these is the question: When will I be free? Because it is not a question of if I will ever be free. That's the fate of those who have no hope and have enslaved themselves to a life of misery. Me? I don't do misery very well. I've had my share of it, for too long, and I gotta tell you, it sucked.
So my question is, when will I be free? When will I walk down the street and not have to shove a thought aside, or force myself to look away? When will I be able to wake up in the morning, and begin my day without having to encourage myself? When will I be able to write a blog, like a nice long ramble on some issue, and not have to wonder about one time in the far past?
I know its within my reach. As the days go by, I want it more. Sometimes the shadows prevail, but just for a while. I'm not interested in moving on. That's a term the whole world uses, which means nothing to me. No, I have greater goals than that. By the time I'm done, even I will not be able to recognise me anymore, and the past will be what it was meant to be all along...past and forgotten, a temporary bridge to the future.
Pastor Paul said power choices create power habits which will produce a power culture... I'm all for the power now...
I find it quite satisfying, that as time progresses, the less I care about some people. Not like I cease to care about their existence, but that which they do means less to me. What helps the process along is knowing that they think they have some sort of power...if only they knew. Life is way too short to put up with all the bullocks people dish out. Way too short.
Church was pretty cool today. Even though I was practically frozen, the message was still on point. Pastor Paul,spoke about wealth. Not wealth as in just money, but deeper stuff. Power Choices. Power Personalities. It encouraged me to let go of all d mediocrity in my life and hook myself up with...power. I figured the best place to start is with the biggest power Personality ever...
Today was an okay kinda day. Not spectacular, but okay. And I have some thoughts flowing through my mind. Foremost among these is the question: When will I be free? Because it is not a question of if I will ever be free. That's the fate of those who have no hope and have enslaved themselves to a life of misery. Me? I don't do misery very well. I've had my share of it, for too long, and I gotta tell you, it sucked.
So my question is, when will I be free? When will I walk down the street and not have to shove a thought aside, or force myself to look away? When will I be able to wake up in the morning, and begin my day without having to encourage myself? When will I be able to write a blog, like a nice long ramble on some issue, and not have to wonder about one time in the far past?
I know its within my reach. As the days go by, I want it more. Sometimes the shadows prevail, but just for a while. I'm not interested in moving on. That's a term the whole world uses, which means nothing to me. No, I have greater goals than that. By the time I'm done, even I will not be able to recognise me anymore, and the past will be what it was meant to be all along...past and forgotten, a temporary bridge to the future.
Pastor Paul said power choices create power habits which will produce a power culture... I'm all for the power now...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
hello bloggerville!
December 12, 1:17am
What a day I had yesterday! I went for the wedding as planned, and I came back with a bin full of stuff...literally! I have never gotten so many souvenirs, or eaten so much, at one wedding...Was quite fun hanging with the boys though, lots of laughs and all.
It is quite safe to say I spent the better part of this weekend lazing around...hopefully I will be able to get some work done later today.
Today is my sister's anniversay! See how time travels...with no thought or care for what you are doing with it. Time simply speeds right by, and at the end, you are left wondering where it went, or regretting why you did not use it properly. Its been quite a year for my big sis, and I pray its only the beginning of greater things to come.
In my journey through survival, I'm not too sure of where exactly I am at the moment. But today, I remembered and intensely missed our quiet midnight conversations. I imagined how my phone would ring, and we would chat on about all kinds of stuff. You would scold me about all the cold stuff I should not have had at the wedding, and I would ask if you had read your Open Heavens today. You would ask me to tell you how I love you, and I would assure you that I do, with all my heart.
I read, or heard somewhere that, and I'm paraphrasing, you should not focus on all the things that made you sad in a particular experience. Better to think about the things that made you happy. Maybe that's what my mind is trying to do, or maybe I just need to remember, and focus on these things, so I can sleep at night...somehow..
There are too many maybe's in my life. I need to eliminate them to the barest minimum.
its time to go to bed, so I can get up in time for church, though the early service isn't looking very likely...
What a day I had yesterday! I went for the wedding as planned, and I came back with a bin full of stuff...literally! I have never gotten so many souvenirs, or eaten so much, at one wedding...Was quite fun hanging with the boys though, lots of laughs and all.
It is quite safe to say I spent the better part of this weekend lazing around...hopefully I will be able to get some work done later today.
Today is my sister's anniversay! See how time travels...with no thought or care for what you are doing with it. Time simply speeds right by, and at the end, you are left wondering where it went, or regretting why you did not use it properly. Its been quite a year for my big sis, and I pray its only the beginning of greater things to come.
In my journey through survival, I'm not too sure of where exactly I am at the moment. But today, I remembered and intensely missed our quiet midnight conversations. I imagined how my phone would ring, and we would chat on about all kinds of stuff. You would scold me about all the cold stuff I should not have had at the wedding, and I would ask if you had read your Open Heavens today. You would ask me to tell you how I love you, and I would assure you that I do, with all my heart.
I read, or heard somewhere that, and I'm paraphrasing, you should not focus on all the things that made you sad in a particular experience. Better to think about the things that made you happy. Maybe that's what my mind is trying to do, or maybe I just need to remember, and focus on these things, so I can sleep at night...somehow..
There are too many maybe's in my life. I need to eliminate them to the barest minimum.
its time to go to bed, so I can get up in time for church, though the early service isn't looking very likely...
Friday, December 10, 2010
The weirdest thing...
I'm watching dear John...well, not really watching,but watching sha. I got to the point where they had fallen in love, and he came back home, and had to decide whether to go back into the army after 9/11, or stay with the love of his life. And she obviously didn't want him to go, but I guess she decided he should, but not before she gave him her most intimate gift.
At that point, I started to cry. I don't even know where it came from, but I was weeping, and I thought, why? Why did she not just hold on? Why didn't they do it right? It woulda been much more beautiful, more precious if they did it right,got married first, waited, held on,something.
Why does no one do it right anymore? Why is no one interested in that anymore? Why can't we just wait? As hard as it is. Maybe its because we don't set our eyes on the prize...I really don't understand it. Was like I was weeping for their love, so very beautiful, so worth the wait. But maybe they did not know better. It was like I was weeping for my lost love, wishing I could turn back time, make things right again. I remember that lovely beach party evening. As hard as it was, we tried. Like we had a goal, something we were looking forward to, a dream we were nursing, waiting for it to grow and flourish.
I think this movie is making me all mushy...I don't know...Will this love survive? Will I look into your eyes one day and be able to say it was all worth it?
Gen has gone off...bedtime is here. Happy first kiss anniversary...
At that point, I started to cry. I don't even know where it came from, but I was weeping, and I thought, why? Why did she not just hold on? Why didn't they do it right? It woulda been much more beautiful, more precious if they did it right,got married first, waited, held on,something.
Why does no one do it right anymore? Why is no one interested in that anymore? Why can't we just wait? As hard as it is. Maybe its because we don't set our eyes on the prize...I really don't understand it. Was like I was weeping for their love, so very beautiful, so worth the wait. But maybe they did not know better. It was like I was weeping for my lost love, wishing I could turn back time, make things right again. I remember that lovely beach party evening. As hard as it was, we tried. Like we had a goal, something we were looking forward to, a dream we were nursing, waiting for it to grow and flourish.
I think this movie is making me all mushy...I don't know...Will this love survive? Will I look into your eyes one day and be able to say it was all worth it?
Gen has gone off...bedtime is here. Happy first kiss anniversary...
Gosh...I miss unilag.
I'm chilling by myself, done with my movie, and I stumble on some videos from the beach party... And I realise that I miss my University days..a lot.
I miss the class of 10, every single crazy person that made up the class. I miss the laughs, the fun. I miss the hostel, my roommates. I miss Rosemary. I miss my friends in abuja and enugu and Kano. Seeing everyone brings back such good memories, and I realise that I had a really cool University experience.
I recall in particular how the day of the beach party ended... When I found a way to meet up with him, and we just hung out...was a perfect end to a cool day..Really cool..*sigh*
I guess you could call this my mini trip down memory lane...a luxury I afford myself sometimes, but I have to relish that moment and not link it to the present, because right now...things are different.
I'm chilling by myself, done with my movie, and I stumble on some videos from the beach party... And I realise that I miss my University days..a lot.
I miss the class of 10, every single crazy person that made up the class. I miss the laughs, the fun. I miss the hostel, my roommates. I miss Rosemary. I miss my friends in abuja and enugu and Kano. Seeing everyone brings back such good memories, and I realise that I had a really cool University experience.
I recall in particular how the day of the beach party ended... When I found a way to meet up with him, and we just hung out...was a perfect end to a cool day..Really cool..*sigh*
I guess you could call this my mini trip down memory lane...a luxury I afford myself sometimes, but I have to relish that moment and not link it to the present, because right now...things are different.
Entry..again...for lack of a better title.
December 10. 7:52pm
Its another quiet evening by myself. I enjoy these evenings, usually during the weekends, because I'm free. I can sleep, read, dance, cry, generally do whatever I please. I'm even getting quite comfortable moving about in my birthday suit...Initially the weather was too hot for any other options, but when the light condition kinda improved, I was already comfortable in it. I mean, it is quite a stunning work of art, if I do say so myself...
Anyways, I had some chinese dinner, and I want to watch a movie, but the laptop isn't coorporating, so maybe I ll read a novel, as recommended by the delectable Mrs Odusote...
Yay! Laptop just came on! Now to chose a movie. But first, I want to talk about my best lecturer in the law school so far.
Mrs Gbemisola Odusote is my Property Law practice lecturer. There are three of them actually, but one reason I like her best is because she seems least interested among the lot in killing us...the others try by rambling on and on till we have barely enough strength to sit up. The Head of the department I don't really like because she is rude to her subordinate.
Anyway, Mrs Odusote is tall, a a little fairer than I am,quite good looking. And she hardly ever smiles. But she is such a good teacher. Very interested in us getting what she is saying.understanding what she teaches. She is pretty funny, down to earth, and she is time conscious...very few people in that department have that quality. For some reason, this lady helped me to like the course, encourages me to read it and be good at it. Maybe somehow she looks like what I could be when I'm her age, perhaps with more smiles. I just really think she is very cool, and I hope I get to meet her in person.
Now its back to my movie, and I hope I can get some worl done before the night expires...
Its another quiet evening by myself. I enjoy these evenings, usually during the weekends, because I'm free. I can sleep, read, dance, cry, generally do whatever I please. I'm even getting quite comfortable moving about in my birthday suit...Initially the weather was too hot for any other options, but when the light condition kinda improved, I was already comfortable in it. I mean, it is quite a stunning work of art, if I do say so myself...
Anyways, I had some chinese dinner, and I want to watch a movie, but the laptop isn't coorporating, so maybe I ll read a novel, as recommended by the delectable Mrs Odusote...
Yay! Laptop just came on! Now to chose a movie. But first, I want to talk about my best lecturer in the law school so far.
Mrs Gbemisola Odusote is my Property Law practice lecturer. There are three of them actually, but one reason I like her best is because she seems least interested among the lot in killing us...the others try by rambling on and on till we have barely enough strength to sit up. The Head of the department I don't really like because she is rude to her subordinate.
Anyway, Mrs Odusote is tall, a a little fairer than I am,quite good looking. And she hardly ever smiles. But she is such a good teacher. Very interested in us getting what she is saying.understanding what she teaches. She is pretty funny, down to earth, and she is time conscious...very few people in that department have that quality. For some reason, this lady helped me to like the course, encourages me to read it and be good at it. Maybe somehow she looks like what I could be when I'm her age, perhaps with more smiles. I just really think she is very cool, and I hope I get to meet her in person.
Now its back to my movie, and I hope I can get some worl done before the night expires...
Another entry...
December 10. 1:10pm
Sitting in class, my concentration is just about zero...this man has a gift for rambling on and on! My goodness..I haven't eaten any thing proper all day.. A few bites of oreos and some chocolate really doesn't count.
Anywayz, yesterday night ended up the exact opposite of what I could have thought...gosh..
So I was supposed to go dancing, after so many years! I was all kitted up, looking hot and all. Was to see a friend who was going on leave first, then stop off at the dance place. Only, when I told my friend that he would drop me off, he refused! Like he said the only way he would take me there was if Jesus came down from heaven! I could not believe my ears. We dragged this issue ooo, and I ended up not going. Of course I made him pay dearly for this...in the way only I could. And his reasons? I did not agree with it, but I knew it was borne out of the immense love he has for me, so I let it slide. Now I have to find a good reason to give the person who invited me, because the real reason, I will not be saying.
Btw, if living your life involves stabbing someone else in the heart,intentionally, then you are not really living. But then again, it's not that surprising...
Wedding tomorrow! Nothing to wear! I hafta find something...
Tomorrow is a special day...in more ways than one.
Sitting in class, my concentration is just about zero...this man has a gift for rambling on and on! My goodness..I haven't eaten any thing proper all day.. A few bites of oreos and some chocolate really doesn't count.
Anywayz, yesterday night ended up the exact opposite of what I could have thought...gosh..
So I was supposed to go dancing, after so many years! I was all kitted up, looking hot and all. Was to see a friend who was going on leave first, then stop off at the dance place. Only, when I told my friend that he would drop me off, he refused! Like he said the only way he would take me there was if Jesus came down from heaven! I could not believe my ears. We dragged this issue ooo, and I ended up not going. Of course I made him pay dearly for this...in the way only I could. And his reasons? I did not agree with it, but I knew it was borne out of the immense love he has for me, so I let it slide. Now I have to find a good reason to give the person who invited me, because the real reason, I will not be saying.
Btw, if living your life involves stabbing someone else in the heart,intentionally, then you are not really living. But then again, it's not that surprising...
Wedding tomorrow! Nothing to wear! I hafta find something...
Tomorrow is a special day...in more ways than one.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Again.
December 9. 21:28pm
Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.
Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...
Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?
Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.
Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...
Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?
Survival...
December 9. 4:55pm
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
stability...of sm sort..
December 8. 5:43pm.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
Monday, December 6, 2010
...
December 6. 1:20pm.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
shadows.
Shadows.
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
reality
Reality unfolds...
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
pain redefined.
How do I explain the pain, raw and stark, that flows through my body? I don't think it can be expressed with words. I could try though...
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Reflections...
7 months down the line and I still feel as screwed up as the first day, perhaps even worse. Maybe because today was a special day, one of those days I've been dreading because I knew I would be painfully excluded. Perhaps that's why I feel like my world has still not regained its balance. If anything, I try desperately to be strong, to shake off the biting effects of those innuendos that tell me that someone else has been in that place I hoped was all mine. Maybe because I have now been smacked hard across the phase with the reality that his way and manner of dealing and living has absolutely no consideration for my life or my place in his. And now I wonder how much of this I can take, if this is all gonna pay off, if its all worth it.
Happy Birthday to you my dearest, I wish u all things beautiful, all things pure, all this great, all this wonderful.
Reflections from the pain in my heart, and the love in my soul.
Happy Birthday to you my dearest, I wish u all things beautiful, all things pure, all this great, all this wonderful.
Reflections from the pain in my heart, and the love in my soul.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Oluboba Woman.
I hardly ever consider myself a woman. Sounds weird to me, and I just like to think of myself as a girl, or a lady, not a WOMAN...sounds like such a big word with big implications.
But sometimes, the realisation of who I am, or who I am becoming hits me. I'm not just any woman, I'm an Oluboba Woman. So here goes:
The Oluboba woman is strong. She works long and hard, for long periods, no matter how tired she may be.
The Oluboba woman is emotional. She hurts at the pain of others, is not ashamed to shed a tear.
She loves her man. Deeply and with all her soul. So deep that she will fight for him with her own blood.
The Oluboba woman is beautiful. Not the regular kind of beautiful, but the kind that when discovered, it cannot be ignored. Or forgotten.
The Oluboba woman can be unsure. Sometimes she thinks so highly of others and under estimates the worth in herself.
The Oluboba woman is contagious. She has a laugh that speaks, and a smile that brightens.
She is passionate, a deep, fiery passion that can only be satisfied by her match.
The Oluboba woman is modest. Under all that modesty, you will be shocked at what she's protecting.
The Oluboba woman fears God. She lives to please Him more.
The Oluboba woman is determined. If her heart is set on you, you better know it's set.
The Oluboba woman is brilliant, intelligent, creative, witty.
The Oluboba woman will fall, but she won't stay down.
I am an Oluboba woman, perhaps the proudest one yet.
But sometimes, the realisation of who I am, or who I am becoming hits me. I'm not just any woman, I'm an Oluboba Woman. So here goes:
The Oluboba woman is strong. She works long and hard, for long periods, no matter how tired she may be.
The Oluboba woman is emotional. She hurts at the pain of others, is not ashamed to shed a tear.
She loves her man. Deeply and with all her soul. So deep that she will fight for him with her own blood.
The Oluboba woman is beautiful. Not the regular kind of beautiful, but the kind that when discovered, it cannot be ignored. Or forgotten.
The Oluboba woman can be unsure. Sometimes she thinks so highly of others and under estimates the worth in herself.
The Oluboba woman is contagious. She has a laugh that speaks, and a smile that brightens.
She is passionate, a deep, fiery passion that can only be satisfied by her match.
The Oluboba woman is modest. Under all that modesty, you will be shocked at what she's protecting.
The Oluboba woman fears God. She lives to please Him more.
The Oluboba woman is determined. If her heart is set on you, you better know it's set.
The Oluboba woman is brilliant, intelligent, creative, witty.
The Oluboba woman will fall, but she won't stay down.
I am an Oluboba woman, perhaps the proudest one yet.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Love.
True. Love can be such a dangerous thing sometimes. It can tear you apart, leave you in pieces. It can hurt you, change your world as you know it. Love can push you to do the unthinkable.
Yes, Love can do all this. But then, Love is the most important force in life, afterall, God is love. Love conquers all. Depends on how you choose to see it really. I'm not talking about lust, or infatuation, or a fire that burns quickly, then burns out. I'm talking about Love, the kind the world knows nothing about, the kind that has seized my interest, occupied my life.
This love, I adopt, because I see no other way, nor do I desire or know any other way.
My love is imperfect, very. I see that in various ways, many times. But my love is growing, developing, changing.
Whether or not we will ever speak again, or laugh again, whether or not there will be a you and me, us, I do not know. But its not so important, compared to you. Not you when I'm with you, but just you.
You see, I love you. More than I thought possible, more than I can comprehend. And I want to love you more, the way you love me. Your love put me to shame, because it was closer to God than I ever was.
My love bears you up everyday. It cries for you(not like to have you), hopes for you. My love waits. It knows no other way than to wait. My love believes, bears, endures. This love, never fails. I promise you, it never fails.
My love grows in this adversity,it is all I have to hold on to. My love will remain with you, even if you forget all about me, and you move to a distant land. My love knows You. There might be that side, that I have not met in person, but my love knows you. My love will not leave you, will not end. Because my love has its source in Love Himself.
Love conquers all. Every hurdle, obstruction and challenge. Though I see in part, I hope for that which I do not know. Loving you is my life, my task, my privilege, my pleasure.
Yes, Love can do all this. But then, Love is the most important force in life, afterall, God is love. Love conquers all. Depends on how you choose to see it really. I'm not talking about lust, or infatuation, or a fire that burns quickly, then burns out. I'm talking about Love, the kind the world knows nothing about, the kind that has seized my interest, occupied my life.
This love, I adopt, because I see no other way, nor do I desire or know any other way.
My love is imperfect, very. I see that in various ways, many times. But my love is growing, developing, changing.
Whether or not we will ever speak again, or laugh again, whether or not there will be a you and me, us, I do not know. But its not so important, compared to you. Not you when I'm with you, but just you.
You see, I love you. More than I thought possible, more than I can comprehend. And I want to love you more, the way you love me. Your love put me to shame, because it was closer to God than I ever was.
My love bears you up everyday. It cries for you(not like to have you), hopes for you. My love waits. It knows no other way than to wait. My love believes, bears, endures. This love, never fails. I promise you, it never fails.
My love grows in this adversity,it is all I have to hold on to. My love will remain with you, even if you forget all about me, and you move to a distant land. My love knows You. There might be that side, that I have not met in person, but my love knows you. My love will not leave you, will not end. Because my love has its source in Love Himself.
Love conquers all. Every hurdle, obstruction and challenge. Though I see in part, I hope for that which I do not know. Loving you is my life, my task, my privilege, my pleasure.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Need
We tend to use words sometimes, words which their meaning we do not fully grasp, or their implication. I once explained to someone what I thought a need meant. I think my reasoning is somewhat different now.
When you say you need someone, it transcends merely wanting them around, or enjoying their company. At the point where I begin to need you, it ceases to be a conscious decision, or a willing response. It becomes a matter of necessity. I think that illustrates itself in my relationship with a friend, who perhaps decided that he did not want my friendship anymore. The way I see it, if you really need someone, or something, it would take a force greater than you to change it. If you can change it on your own, then you never really needed that person/thing. You merely wanted it, and after a while, you decided it really wasn't worth it anymore.
When I told you two years ago, and many times after that, that I needed you, It meant that your necessity in my life was no more by mere choice. You became a part of my life, a part that I could not just shake off. You became a part that situations and circumstances could not remove, a part that I could not really do without. You became a part of me. This explains why as hard as I try, I cannot be indifferent, I cannot not care. As vehemently as I might deny, you are the reason why I would do, or not do, certain things. Because somewhere along the line, you transcended the point of being a mere want, to a deep need.
The ramblings of a 21 year old, in love, in need.
When you say you need someone, it transcends merely wanting them around, or enjoying their company. At the point where I begin to need you, it ceases to be a conscious decision, or a willing response. It becomes a matter of necessity. I think that illustrates itself in my relationship with a friend, who perhaps decided that he did not want my friendship anymore. The way I see it, if you really need someone, or something, it would take a force greater than you to change it. If you can change it on your own, then you never really needed that person/thing. You merely wanted it, and after a while, you decided it really wasn't worth it anymore.
When I told you two years ago, and many times after that, that I needed you, It meant that your necessity in my life was no more by mere choice. You became a part of my life, a part that I could not just shake off. You became a part that situations and circumstances could not remove, a part that I could not really do without. You became a part of me. This explains why as hard as I try, I cannot be indifferent, I cannot not care. As vehemently as I might deny, you are the reason why I would do, or not do, certain things. Because somewhere along the line, you transcended the point of being a mere want, to a deep need.
The ramblings of a 21 year old, in love, in need.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Blogging off my Berry
First time for everything shey? Its annoying that sometimes I get spured into writing by the most inconsequential things...hopefully this will be the last of such.
Newest, stressful and coolest phase of my life...LAW SCHOOL!!! I find that the days I'm not ticked off by the stress, its not bad experience.At all! I'm in what is arguably the best campus in Nigeria, and my, are they striving to live up to their name! Tons of work, but I have to figure out a way to control it before it controls me. But it promises to be a fun ride..the idea of learning all this procedural practical stuff is really appealing for some reason, at least after today. And I have my goals, hopefully I ll meet up, by God's grace.
I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I might seem the same to some, but I know I'm not. So the way some people act around me, I wonder to myself, is there something I'm missing? Cos as weird as dis may sound, I find it strange that these guys want to be around me all the time, but the one fellow that I ended up wanting can't stand to talk to me or be around me. Funny right?
Even funnier is the history that is trying to repeat itself. What seems to be the story of my past life: Guy starts talking to girl, thinks girl is really cool, talks to girl evryday, gets interested in girl. And girl is not daft. She sees the signs as plainly as the sky above. Guy is also almost seven feet tall! Yep, taller than two of my formers combined..almost. Now that's super interesting, cos for the first time I get to wear heels and still look pretty short...hey, that happens once in a pink moon, so I plan to enjoy it! Also confirms the fact that I never attract the usual..never. Well, some might have been more usual than I thought...
I don't care for that type of history repeating itself, and I don't plan to 'koba' myself like I have done in the past, so I ll lay down my ground rules, and enjoy the ride...
This is the beginning of an era, and hopefully the end of one. It's time to read, like my life depends on it, because the kinda life I want kinda does...
Newest, stressful and coolest phase of my life...LAW SCHOOL!!! I find that the days I'm not ticked off by the stress, its not bad experience.At all! I'm in what is arguably the best campus in Nigeria, and my, are they striving to live up to their name! Tons of work, but I have to figure out a way to control it before it controls me. But it promises to be a fun ride..the idea of learning all this procedural practical stuff is really appealing for some reason, at least after today. And I have my goals, hopefully I ll meet up, by God's grace.
I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I might seem the same to some, but I know I'm not. So the way some people act around me, I wonder to myself, is there something I'm missing? Cos as weird as dis may sound, I find it strange that these guys want to be around me all the time, but the one fellow that I ended up wanting can't stand to talk to me or be around me. Funny right?
Even funnier is the history that is trying to repeat itself. What seems to be the story of my past life: Guy starts talking to girl, thinks girl is really cool, talks to girl evryday, gets interested in girl. And girl is not daft. She sees the signs as plainly as the sky above. Guy is also almost seven feet tall! Yep, taller than two of my formers combined..almost. Now that's super interesting, cos for the first time I get to wear heels and still look pretty short...hey, that happens once in a pink moon, so I plan to enjoy it! Also confirms the fact that I never attract the usual..never. Well, some might have been more usual than I thought...
I don't care for that type of history repeating itself, and I don't plan to 'koba' myself like I have done in the past, so I ll lay down my ground rules, and enjoy the ride...
This is the beginning of an era, and hopefully the end of one. It's time to read, like my life depends on it, because the kinda life I want kinda does...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My lessons: The God that looks out for me.
Many times in the last few days i have dreamed about how i would write this blog. I have thought about the title to give it, the end it will have, the form it will take. Now i have reason to write, i have so much to share, and a lot to learn.
In June or July of this year, can't remember exactly when, in the darkest period of my life, I wondered to myself, what will I remember my 21st year for? Will the pain of my experience overshadow any good thing that I may have gone through? Will the most poignant memory be one of misery? I did not want that to be my case, afterall, 21 comes around once in a lifetime. So i set out to partake in some activity or the other, things that were fun, that i could remember. Unfortunately, i was unable to sustain my interest in them, and somehow, life just moved along. I did not realise that God had other plans, and He was about to push me in the right direction, which i was too lazy and scattered to find on my own.
As I write, God has become more real to me than He ever was. He isn't just the Supreme being in the sky that you have to serve for the sake of eternity and consequences. He is MY God, my Lord, my very best friend, The bestest Dad a person could ever have, and He was setting up for me an experience that would perhaps change the direction of my life.
As usual, it was in the most unusual, unexpected and least thought of way. He has made it quite clear that i cannot predict Him. I cannot teach Him how He will do what He will do, I can try to imagine how things will turn out from now till the end of time, It don't mean it will ever happen my way. So I'm learning to stop wasting precious thought space, and to dwell more on useful things that i have some control over.
Law school postings came out. I totally took for granted the fact that it could very well not work out the way i planned. i mean i had done everything that i thought would secure my choice, if precedence was anything to go by. But precedence this year was a grand disappointment, because things were quite different. Not only had the posting been contracted out, it would appear my reasons were not given a moment's glance. I will not forget in a hurry how aghast i was when i saw the online receipt for the first time. it was like panic, in one of the ways I alone know how to panic. I called all those callable, i called my mother, and then i prayed. Hard. Anyways, the moment i started to suspect that the Lord had some kinda hand in it was when it occurred to my Ma to just ask this lady about it. Turned out that the lady knew someone who was asking why she did not speak up about it since. The man was willing to help, but he was taking his blessed time! So when people were busy registering, i was busy building my faith.
Faith is a wonderful thing, so wonderful that certain factors don't want you to have it. Factors like fear, doubt, unbelief. The biggest point that tried to snag me was this. God can do it, fine, but will He? What if He has some grand plan for you someplace else. Those thoughts that are the enemy's round-a-bout way of stealing your faith. Like what if you are not meant to stay in moremi, cos there's a plan for you in the dirty, chocked up new hall? What if you are meant to get a 2.2 so that you can reach out to someone, or some such bull. What if this,what if that. Second guessing God, imagining He has some other plan, and ultimately not believing.
Brilliant point shey?
Only that God does not ask us to do any of that. All He says is, fear not. Only believe. All things are possible to him that believes. Ask and you will receive. I will help you. If you trust Me, you will not be put to shame. That's what the Master says.
So i struggled to believe. Struggled not to panic. The moment i saw God really looking out for me was when i went to church, and the preacher spoke on looking up to Jesus. i thought, seriously? Why today, when i was coming to this church, and i coulda gone someplace else, or he could have come another day? I don't believe much in coincidences, and everything the man said hit the nail on the head. And after that, everytime i turned on the t.v, i would come across something on faith, on not doubting, on trusting God. It was amazing.
Then at some point, i decided that maybe Enugu was not such a bad idea. It would be a different experience, and there were fun people there anyways. But my mum said to talk to the nice lady again. the lady said Lagos was the first, and the best campus. So i started waiting again. I struggled. Had headaches, took malaria drugs. I cried. felt bad, wondered why i did not pay much attention when i could have.
I also realised that this was God calling my attention to Him. This was Him saying, kid, you need Me to succeed in this life. He was telling me that He was God, unlike any other, with great plans for my life, and all i had to do was trust and praise. My Open Heavens was on point. like i would open a page that talked about faith being able to turn a no from God to a yes. How wise people praise God to the point where He moves for them. How faith changes everything. How vain the help of man is.
And God showed Himself. In ways that i had not imagined. He showed that as rickety as my faith was, He was still there, helping me, waiting for me to come to my senses all along. He showed me that there are certain things you should not waste your time thinking about, like things you cannot change. Focusing your energy on the things you can do about a situation is so much better. Like prayer. Like faith. He is the burden nearer. looking up to Him is the best way to live.
So He gave me my experience. That which hopefully will shape my outlook on life and the way i handle stuff. My God reigns. He is totally awesome. and His mercies are...more than we can ever understand.
Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.
In June or July of this year, can't remember exactly when, in the darkest period of my life, I wondered to myself, what will I remember my 21st year for? Will the pain of my experience overshadow any good thing that I may have gone through? Will the most poignant memory be one of misery? I did not want that to be my case, afterall, 21 comes around once in a lifetime. So i set out to partake in some activity or the other, things that were fun, that i could remember. Unfortunately, i was unable to sustain my interest in them, and somehow, life just moved along. I did not realise that God had other plans, and He was about to push me in the right direction, which i was too lazy and scattered to find on my own.
As I write, God has become more real to me than He ever was. He isn't just the Supreme being in the sky that you have to serve for the sake of eternity and consequences. He is MY God, my Lord, my very best friend, The bestest Dad a person could ever have, and He was setting up for me an experience that would perhaps change the direction of my life.
As usual, it was in the most unusual, unexpected and least thought of way. He has made it quite clear that i cannot predict Him. I cannot teach Him how He will do what He will do, I can try to imagine how things will turn out from now till the end of time, It don't mean it will ever happen my way. So I'm learning to stop wasting precious thought space, and to dwell more on useful things that i have some control over.
Law school postings came out. I totally took for granted the fact that it could very well not work out the way i planned. i mean i had done everything that i thought would secure my choice, if precedence was anything to go by. But precedence this year was a grand disappointment, because things were quite different. Not only had the posting been contracted out, it would appear my reasons were not given a moment's glance. I will not forget in a hurry how aghast i was when i saw the online receipt for the first time. it was like panic, in one of the ways I alone know how to panic. I called all those callable, i called my mother, and then i prayed. Hard. Anyways, the moment i started to suspect that the Lord had some kinda hand in it was when it occurred to my Ma to just ask this lady about it. Turned out that the lady knew someone who was asking why she did not speak up about it since. The man was willing to help, but he was taking his blessed time! So when people were busy registering, i was busy building my faith.
Faith is a wonderful thing, so wonderful that certain factors don't want you to have it. Factors like fear, doubt, unbelief. The biggest point that tried to snag me was this. God can do it, fine, but will He? What if He has some grand plan for you someplace else. Those thoughts that are the enemy's round-a-bout way of stealing your faith. Like what if you are not meant to stay in moremi, cos there's a plan for you in the dirty, chocked up new hall? What if you are meant to get a 2.2 so that you can reach out to someone, or some such bull. What if this,what if that. Second guessing God, imagining He has some other plan, and ultimately not believing.
Brilliant point shey?
Only that God does not ask us to do any of that. All He says is, fear not. Only believe. All things are possible to him that believes. Ask and you will receive. I will help you. If you trust Me, you will not be put to shame. That's what the Master says.
So i struggled to believe. Struggled not to panic. The moment i saw God really looking out for me was when i went to church, and the preacher spoke on looking up to Jesus. i thought, seriously? Why today, when i was coming to this church, and i coulda gone someplace else, or he could have come another day? I don't believe much in coincidences, and everything the man said hit the nail on the head. And after that, everytime i turned on the t.v, i would come across something on faith, on not doubting, on trusting God. It was amazing.
Then at some point, i decided that maybe Enugu was not such a bad idea. It would be a different experience, and there were fun people there anyways. But my mum said to talk to the nice lady again. the lady said Lagos was the first, and the best campus. So i started waiting again. I struggled. Had headaches, took malaria drugs. I cried. felt bad, wondered why i did not pay much attention when i could have.
I also realised that this was God calling my attention to Him. This was Him saying, kid, you need Me to succeed in this life. He was telling me that He was God, unlike any other, with great plans for my life, and all i had to do was trust and praise. My Open Heavens was on point. like i would open a page that talked about faith being able to turn a no from God to a yes. How wise people praise God to the point where He moves for them. How faith changes everything. How vain the help of man is.
And God showed Himself. In ways that i had not imagined. He showed that as rickety as my faith was, He was still there, helping me, waiting for me to come to my senses all along. He showed me that there are certain things you should not waste your time thinking about, like things you cannot change. Focusing your energy on the things you can do about a situation is so much better. Like prayer. Like faith. He is the burden nearer. looking up to Him is the best way to live.
So He gave me my experience. That which hopefully will shape my outlook on life and the way i handle stuff. My God reigns. He is totally awesome. and His mercies are...more than we can ever understand.
Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Your ignorance, your loss.
Deep sturvs... I need to find a solution. But in the meantime, an imperfect poem pours forth:
He carries on without much of a care, except maybe those that center around himself.
He walks around, blinded, deaf to the things he really needs to hear.
Deaf to the voice of truth, the cry of honesty, blinded by his own pride, the worse of its kind.
Because you see, the worse pride is that which is so disguised from the bearer, everyone but him sees it.
Hanging on to an archaic sense of duty, a duty that ends where the most valuable begins.
Will he ever see? will he ever realize? Who can tell him, without such becoming the enemy?
So deep has this attitude, this sense of 'right' festered,
That everyone is alienated, uninterested in partaking of his 'rightness'
All that is left, is the struggle to obey, the struggle to honor that the Bible commands.
My deepest worry, my deepest thought, is that his ignorance could lead to a loss
A loss so great, it could change my life as i know it
A loss so great, i cannot afford it
When will you see, that your acts tally not with your words?
When will you see that you have pushed away those who really care?
When will you stop hurting the one person who cares for you more than any other human being?
If it takes you that long to see, then you must journey on your own, you must not drag her with you.
Because the brunt of your ignorance will not fetch you bliss, only a loss that you could never fathom.
Your ignorance will not be my loss.
He carries on without much of a care, except maybe those that center around himself.
He walks around, blinded, deaf to the things he really needs to hear.
Deaf to the voice of truth, the cry of honesty, blinded by his own pride, the worse of its kind.
Because you see, the worse pride is that which is so disguised from the bearer, everyone but him sees it.
Hanging on to an archaic sense of duty, a duty that ends where the most valuable begins.
Will he ever see? will he ever realize? Who can tell him, without such becoming the enemy?
So deep has this attitude, this sense of 'right' festered,
That everyone is alienated, uninterested in partaking of his 'rightness'
All that is left, is the struggle to obey, the struggle to honor that the Bible commands.
My deepest worry, my deepest thought, is that his ignorance could lead to a loss
A loss so great, it could change my life as i know it
A loss so great, i cannot afford it
When will you see, that your acts tally not with your words?
When will you see that you have pushed away those who really care?
When will you stop hurting the one person who cares for you more than any other human being?
If it takes you that long to see, then you must journey on your own, you must not drag her with you.
Because the brunt of your ignorance will not fetch you bliss, only a loss that you could never fathom.
Your ignorance will not be my loss.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
thots...
My mother is awesome. I mean, I know most people go on about how they have the best mum in the world, but my Ma is truly special. And most times, you might not get the importance of something until the possibility of its loss stares you in the face.
The time had come for me to get a new phone. So in my choice of this accessory, I felt like such a sell-out to myself and my principles. People that know me know that I’m not the greatest fan of the Blackberry. Even more importantly, I seriously dislike anything second-hand, or used, except maybe its a really good car.
With this in mind, you can imagine my displeasure when I had to settle for a somewhat used...let me stop being nice... a SECOND HAND Blackberry! But I fully blame that condition that makes the crayfish bend. I thought perhaps the BB would be my best bet if I hope to stay in touch with my university buddies. So I decided, what the heck? Might as well give it a shot. And I didn’t have much time to save up properly because my father who gave me a fraction of what I needed was already asking about the new phone.
Anyway, when I did get the phone, my dad, in his typical fashion, totally attacked my choice, and i was not really expecting anything different. Thankfully, he did not know of its second-handedness, if not, I would have really heard it.
My mum on the other hand was cool about it, but apparently, she detests second hand phones more than I do. So, the following day, my Ma decided that she would give me the money I needed to get a brand new one.
You might be wondering, what’s so special about this? You see, the reason why this was a huge gesture for me was because she has been under alot of financial stress, and I do mean a lot! This second hand vehicle that she just got for work purposes has had one problem or the other cropping up everywhere (surprise surprise!), amongst other things. So there’s a reason I did not ask her for money to buy the phone. She could have said, child, manage whatever you have, get a cheaper phone, or something that would probably have been justified. But she was willing to help out, because she knew it would make me happy. The fact that she was willing to put down something just so I could get the best of what i wanted was just so amazing. It made me remember other times when this lady would bend over backwards just so her children could be happy. She would deny herself of stuff, work hard, just to see us smiling and make sure we get the best of things. Then I decided, that by God’s special grace, my mum is going to be very comfortable and happy old lady. Like i will do everything in my power to make sure she is very comfortable and lives a good life. I’ll try my best to make her real proud of me. Even though I know her investments are based solely on love and not on some desire to reap in the future, she will most definitely reap. And to the best of my ability, I will not let anyone deprive my mother of seeing her children prosperous, simply because of their stubborn, irritatingly egotistical and I-know -everything attitude. Gosh, human beings are so myopic sometimes, and the ones that should know better are so painfully clueless...
The time had come for me to get a new phone. So in my choice of this accessory, I felt like such a sell-out to myself and my principles. People that know me know that I’m not the greatest fan of the Blackberry. Even more importantly, I seriously dislike anything second-hand, or used, except maybe its a really good car.
With this in mind, you can imagine my displeasure when I had to settle for a somewhat used...let me stop being nice... a SECOND HAND Blackberry! But I fully blame that condition that makes the crayfish bend. I thought perhaps the BB would be my best bet if I hope to stay in touch with my university buddies. So I decided, what the heck? Might as well give it a shot. And I didn’t have much time to save up properly because my father who gave me a fraction of what I needed was already asking about the new phone.
Anyway, when I did get the phone, my dad, in his typical fashion, totally attacked my choice, and i was not really expecting anything different. Thankfully, he did not know of its second-handedness, if not, I would have really heard it.
My mum on the other hand was cool about it, but apparently, she detests second hand phones more than I do. So, the following day, my Ma decided that she would give me the money I needed to get a brand new one.
You might be wondering, what’s so special about this? You see, the reason why this was a huge gesture for me was because she has been under alot of financial stress, and I do mean a lot! This second hand vehicle that she just got for work purposes has had one problem or the other cropping up everywhere (surprise surprise!), amongst other things. So there’s a reason I did not ask her for money to buy the phone. She could have said, child, manage whatever you have, get a cheaper phone, or something that would probably have been justified. But she was willing to help out, because she knew it would make me happy. The fact that she was willing to put down something just so I could get the best of what i wanted was just so amazing. It made me remember other times when this lady would bend over backwards just so her children could be happy. She would deny herself of stuff, work hard, just to see us smiling and make sure we get the best of things. Then I decided, that by God’s special grace, my mum is going to be very comfortable and happy old lady. Like i will do everything in my power to make sure she is very comfortable and lives a good life. I’ll try my best to make her real proud of me. Even though I know her investments are based solely on love and not on some desire to reap in the future, she will most definitely reap. And to the best of my ability, I will not let anyone deprive my mother of seeing her children prosperous, simply because of their stubborn, irritatingly egotistical and I-know -everything attitude. Gosh, human beings are so myopic sometimes, and the ones that should know better are so painfully clueless...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
just wondering.
They say you should let sleeping dogs lie. Somehow, i find that I'll rather wake the silly dog, get my answers from it, maybe rough things up in the process. I just don't know how to let things go without it being sorted. Maybe someday I'll learn. Maybe not.
I remembered this now cos of this slightly annoying conversation i was having. like of all topics to discuss, why do you have to bring that up? But you did, and now it got me thinking, and now I'll like to get it off my chest.
Dear Sir, you have mentioned, more than once, how i left you. How i broke your heart. So that an outsider looking in would think this girl was some heartless ingrate who ripped out the heart of the love of her life and walked into the sunset.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the way i remember it, i could not end it, because i did not want to end it. In fact, i remember calling back, the morning after, and begging that we should try. I'll try not to dwell too much on the subsequent times that i called, and begged and all of that.
Why then do you insist that i broke your heart, like i took a deliberate decision that led to your heartbreak? Why do you mention it in your ode, in that round-about way where you say you are not really saying it?
I might be wrong, and i'm willing to take full responsibility, as i have done over the past six months.
But i'm thinking about it really, that in the light of the circumstances, would it really be fair to say i walked away from you, and i broke your heart? Because if for the sake of saying, i did walk away after that conversation, i came right back, but you refused to take me back.
I'm not trying to point fingers, or make you feel bad, or any such thing. Lord knows this is the very last subject that i want to be writing about. I just could not shake it. And you know me, that when i cant shake something, i have to let it out.
Please, if you can bear to, think about it, and decide in your mind if i really deserve the burden of blame that has been placed at my feet.
I remembered this now cos of this slightly annoying conversation i was having. like of all topics to discuss, why do you have to bring that up? But you did, and now it got me thinking, and now I'll like to get it off my chest.
Dear Sir, you have mentioned, more than once, how i left you. How i broke your heart. So that an outsider looking in would think this girl was some heartless ingrate who ripped out the heart of the love of her life and walked into the sunset.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the way i remember it, i could not end it, because i did not want to end it. In fact, i remember calling back, the morning after, and begging that we should try. I'll try not to dwell too much on the subsequent times that i called, and begged and all of that.
Why then do you insist that i broke your heart, like i took a deliberate decision that led to your heartbreak? Why do you mention it in your ode, in that round-about way where you say you are not really saying it?
I might be wrong, and i'm willing to take full responsibility, as i have done over the past six months.
But i'm thinking about it really, that in the light of the circumstances, would it really be fair to say i walked away from you, and i broke your heart? Because if for the sake of saying, i did walk away after that conversation, i came right back, but you refused to take me back.
I'm not trying to point fingers, or make you feel bad, or any such thing. Lord knows this is the very last subject that i want to be writing about. I just could not shake it. And you know me, that when i cant shake something, i have to let it out.
Please, if you can bear to, think about it, and decide in your mind if i really deserve the burden of blame that has been placed at my feet.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Foolish.
Foolish.
Woke up that morning, thinking, darn, it’s today.
Now it would appear, that I’ve been a fool in many ways.
Foolish to think one time I could wing it
Foolish to think I was that strong
Foolish to not think, when I needed to think
Foolish to get us undone
Foolish to think I would not love you
Foolish to think you would not change
From being a just a nice fellow in my life,
To being the only one I cared to think about
Foolish for being so insensitive
Foolish for hurting you so
Foolish for not starting the fight early
At least we would have had more joys than pain
Foolish to think I could undo what I had done
Foolish to think I would stand
When once again I did a thoughtless act
And this time, you were gone for good
Foolish to think I would be okay
Foolish to think I wouldn’t cry
Foolish to think my life would be fine
When my sunshine just walked out.
Foolish to underestimate our love
Foolish to think you would forget
Foolish to think I would cease to matter
Foolish to think you would not hurt, half as much as I was hurting
Foolish to underestimate you, as much as I did me.
Am I foolish to try to live, am I foolish to be unable to forget
Am I the greatest fool in the world, because I cant help hoping, that one day...
Let it be then, let the world label me fool. Let me hope, till there’s nothing else to hope for.
Try and stop my heart if you can, try and tell it, stop beating for him! Try and tell my memories to leave me, try and tell my soul not to care.
Because as hard as you try, you will find that they don’t listen. As much as you scream, you will find one simple truth.
The love which we speak of, is nothing short of unusual. The love which we speak of, it refuses to cease. This love is willing to wait, until it can wait no more.
Let me be foolish, let me be silly. Let the world move on, my heart remains still.
Woke up that morning, thinking, darn, it’s today.
Now it would appear, that I’ve been a fool in many ways.
Foolish to think one time I could wing it
Foolish to think I was that strong
Foolish to not think, when I needed to think
Foolish to get us undone
Foolish to think I would not love you
Foolish to think you would not change
From being a just a nice fellow in my life,
To being the only one I cared to think about
Foolish for being so insensitive
Foolish for hurting you so
Foolish for not starting the fight early
At least we would have had more joys than pain
Foolish to think I could undo what I had done
Foolish to think I would stand
When once again I did a thoughtless act
And this time, you were gone for good
Foolish to think I would be okay
Foolish to think I wouldn’t cry
Foolish to think my life would be fine
When my sunshine just walked out.
Foolish to underestimate our love
Foolish to think you would forget
Foolish to think I would cease to matter
Foolish to think you would not hurt, half as much as I was hurting
Foolish to underestimate you, as much as I did me.
Am I foolish to try to live, am I foolish to be unable to forget
Am I the greatest fool in the world, because I cant help hoping, that one day...
Let it be then, let the world label me fool. Let me hope, till there’s nothing else to hope for.
Try and stop my heart if you can, try and tell it, stop beating for him! Try and tell my memories to leave me, try and tell my soul not to care.
Because as hard as you try, you will find that they don’t listen. As much as you scream, you will find one simple truth.
The love which we speak of, is nothing short of unusual. The love which we speak of, it refuses to cease. This love is willing to wait, until it can wait no more.
Let me be foolish, let me be silly. Let the world move on, my heart remains still.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Randomz...
Geez... i remember the weirdest things...some stuff that i’m better off forgetting. Is it a blessing or a curse? Depends on how i choose to see it really... Blessing, in that I remember, and I work through it, get stronger with it, or try to put it out of my mind, or just overcome it. Curse, in that it could ruin the rest of my day, get me depressed, throw rocks in my garri, that kinda thing.
Ah well, i guess I’ll just have to live through it somehow, and hope it does not happen every single year.
So today, of all days, I had an epiphany,i think, some sort of realisation that came across as I foolishly embraced an old habit. It did feel like an epiphany, but it needs time to prove itself. Hopefully it is what I hope it is, and not just a shot of hormones sending messages to my brain.
This law school posting ish is taking forever. Like seriously, what’s the suspense for? At this rate, when it finally comes out, i’ll be in a mad rush to get things sorted. I’m not looking forward to this at all, and I hope it comes out this week.
I was flipping through TELL Magazine (yes, I do try to keep myself abreast of interesting events..interesting being they key word here), and I came across the cover story, about the bombing on Independence day. What a way to clock 50. Turns out that there were actually warnings of its occurrence, three different warnings in fact. The US and the UK knew about, and informed the government twice before the event. It is only in Nigeria that with such a warning, and while showing off our ‘graceful’ military defence regalia, the explosions will still happen. Everybody is now pointing fingers at everybody. The major suspect according to the magazine is Henry Okah, a MEND affiliate who lives in South Africa and supplies ammunition. My mind then drifted to the Niger Delta, their situation, and the militants. All these people want is for the government to pay attention to their towns, to provide them with basic amenities so that they stop dying of various diseases and living in desolation. How can the people living in the source of most of the oil we have in this nation be in so much poverty and lack? It makes no sense whatsoever. One can see where these militants are coming from, trying to fight for a better life for their people.
Why are Nigerians so greedy and power hungry? How can leaders be so terribly selfish, so inanely myopic? I don’t get it at all. Its these kind of things that make us lose hope in Nigeria. During the independence day, quite frankly, other than giving God thanks for His mercies, i could not think of much to celebrate. People are dying, while others are making stupid money, using ridiculous sums to celebrate a farce. What can we show for our 50 years in existence?
These thoughts were on my mind when I had another epiphany...actually, this was the first epiphany before I had that of today.
I was in Redemption camp, when the national sports organisation or some such body came forward to honour Pastor Adeboye as the spiritual adviser or something. As the G.O came forward, what struck me was the fact that this man, despite the mess the nation is in, still believes in Nigeria. He prays endlessly, tirelessly for the restoration of this land. It was his faith that made me realise hat Nigeria is not the one with the problem. Nigeria as an entity is made up of great resources, great people (for the most part), enormous potential. It is the people in authority that are so horribly messed up. Nigeria belongs to us. Belongs to our fathers, our mothers, our children, brothers and sisters. So we can do either of two things really. We can keep pointing fingers, keep abusing the nation, keep saying all things negative and ultimately, we can flee, leaving the nation in the hands of the thieves to plunder to their heart’s content . Or, we can go the place of power, which is the place of prayer. We can keep beseeching God to have mercy on us. We can purge our own souls of the corruption that lies therein. Because the truth is that we shout and yell that are leaders are corrupt, but as young as we are, the corruption is below the surface, waiting to for the right opportunity to erupt. How do you explain student leaders on campuses blatantly stealing the money of their organisations and doctoring records to cover their tracks? Someone said that you should be the change you want to see in the world. If all the leaders die tomorrow, can we confidently say that the younger generation will do better? I certainly cannot. If you work in an office and you fill in false records of your arrival time, if you ask someone to fill in your name illegally so that you will get benefits you did not work for or deserve, if you add an extra zero behind that cheque or receipt for your gain, if you lie and cheat and manipulate your way to the top, if you justify bad habits instead of facing them and dealing with them, then you need to take a closer look in the mirror, because then, we will be no better than the Babangidas of this world, and we will only be making useless pretentious noise, not because we want the world to be a better place, but because we are not the ones who got the golden opportunity to loot and steal and get rich quickly.
Random thoughts that cross my mind on this day, of all days. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I’m assuming you remember as I ask, it’s been quite a year, hasn’t it?
Ah well, i guess I’ll just have to live through it somehow, and hope it does not happen every single year.
So today, of all days, I had an epiphany,i think, some sort of realisation that came across as I foolishly embraced an old habit. It did feel like an epiphany, but it needs time to prove itself. Hopefully it is what I hope it is, and not just a shot of hormones sending messages to my brain.
This law school posting ish is taking forever. Like seriously, what’s the suspense for? At this rate, when it finally comes out, i’ll be in a mad rush to get things sorted. I’m not looking forward to this at all, and I hope it comes out this week.
I was flipping through TELL Magazine (yes, I do try to keep myself abreast of interesting events..interesting being they key word here), and I came across the cover story, about the bombing on Independence day. What a way to clock 50. Turns out that there were actually warnings of its occurrence, three different warnings in fact. The US and the UK knew about, and informed the government twice before the event. It is only in Nigeria that with such a warning, and while showing off our ‘graceful’ military defence regalia, the explosions will still happen. Everybody is now pointing fingers at everybody. The major suspect according to the magazine is Henry Okah, a MEND affiliate who lives in South Africa and supplies ammunition. My mind then drifted to the Niger Delta, their situation, and the militants. All these people want is for the government to pay attention to their towns, to provide them with basic amenities so that they stop dying of various diseases and living in desolation. How can the people living in the source of most of the oil we have in this nation be in so much poverty and lack? It makes no sense whatsoever. One can see where these militants are coming from, trying to fight for a better life for their people.
Why are Nigerians so greedy and power hungry? How can leaders be so terribly selfish, so inanely myopic? I don’t get it at all. Its these kind of things that make us lose hope in Nigeria. During the independence day, quite frankly, other than giving God thanks for His mercies, i could not think of much to celebrate. People are dying, while others are making stupid money, using ridiculous sums to celebrate a farce. What can we show for our 50 years in existence?
These thoughts were on my mind when I had another epiphany...actually, this was the first epiphany before I had that of today.
I was in Redemption camp, when the national sports organisation or some such body came forward to honour Pastor Adeboye as the spiritual adviser or something. As the G.O came forward, what struck me was the fact that this man, despite the mess the nation is in, still believes in Nigeria. He prays endlessly, tirelessly for the restoration of this land. It was his faith that made me realise hat Nigeria is not the one with the problem. Nigeria as an entity is made up of great resources, great people (for the most part), enormous potential. It is the people in authority that are so horribly messed up. Nigeria belongs to us. Belongs to our fathers, our mothers, our children, brothers and sisters. So we can do either of two things really. We can keep pointing fingers, keep abusing the nation, keep saying all things negative and ultimately, we can flee, leaving the nation in the hands of the thieves to plunder to their heart’s content . Or, we can go the place of power, which is the place of prayer. We can keep beseeching God to have mercy on us. We can purge our own souls of the corruption that lies therein. Because the truth is that we shout and yell that are leaders are corrupt, but as young as we are, the corruption is below the surface, waiting to for the right opportunity to erupt. How do you explain student leaders on campuses blatantly stealing the money of their organisations and doctoring records to cover their tracks? Someone said that you should be the change you want to see in the world. If all the leaders die tomorrow, can we confidently say that the younger generation will do better? I certainly cannot. If you work in an office and you fill in false records of your arrival time, if you ask someone to fill in your name illegally so that you will get benefits you did not work for or deserve, if you add an extra zero behind that cheque or receipt for your gain, if you lie and cheat and manipulate your way to the top, if you justify bad habits instead of facing them and dealing with them, then you need to take a closer look in the mirror, because then, we will be no better than the Babangidas of this world, and we will only be making useless pretentious noise, not because we want the world to be a better place, but because we are not the ones who got the golden opportunity to loot and steal and get rich quickly.
Random thoughts that cross my mind on this day, of all days. If you are reading this, and you know who you are, I’m assuming you remember as I ask, it’s been quite a year, hasn’t it?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Remembering...
Remembering.
For a day that was supposed to be fun, today was pretty darn stressful. In my tired state, I began to reflect on my university experience, at least some parts of it. So today, I’m gonna write about some really good times I can remember. Hopefully in the future, when I’m real busy, or working very hard, or just swamped with this and that, I can take time out to read it and smile. Here goes...
Year 1.
My best memories here centre mostly on opard. We used to hang out quite a lot back then, and I can say he was pretty much my first real friend in unilag. We would walk around, talking about his many philosophies, or rather, he was educating me about them. He used to sing the weirdest songs too. I remember one day, I was feeling rather gloomy, for reasons i cannot remember and my good friend Opard broke out into one of his many songs, and I laughed so much, all the gloom disappeared. It was like a ray of sunshine on a very cloudy day. Yes. My first year was good. I had Opard in it, and I would not trade him for the world.
Year 2.
Hmmm...somehow myself and opard where not as close as we used to be, I guess new situations and experiences came along. We even had a fight at the beginning of the session, but he taught me stuff, like when things are bad between you and a person, you don’t carry on as though things will never get better, or like you’ve totally given up on that person, unless of course you have.
One major thing I will never forget about this year was what was to be the beginnings of my reading adventure with Ekwi. You see, me and this girl started talking in year 1, but we got closer in this period, and we would read together. We all lamented that who sent us to read law, when we could have been happy dancing for grades or drawing or something, the suffering was still new to us. There was the street light episode, where we had to seat under the lamps at the centre of the road because there was no light anywhere else. I distinctly remember the incident where we had read all night, were very tired, and we had early morning papers. Exams were over for everyone else, so we, i.e my class mates were generally the only ones around. After we had taken a bath, we decided to attempt to rest for an hour before the paper. We even knelt down with our heads on the bed so we would not sleep too much. Apparently sleeping at all was a bad idea because by the time we woke up, we were in pain! Those were the beginnings of what we would call suffer-head days...
I cannot not mention my first real guy-experience that occurred in this year. It was the first time I had someone really like me..like he was quite besotted! It was nice to be able to make someone that happy. Apparently, I would later learn in my experiences, that I could make a person really sad too.
Year3.
As much as I would say that this year was not my best in many ways, I have some really good memories that I must not forget. This was the period in which I started talking with Icicles. Ii remember that after roda one day, he called me up after 12, and we chatted about all kinds of stuff. Little did I know that this was to become a constant occurrence. We would talk for nights at a stretch, many hours, then we would wake up with what i termed ‘talk hang-overs’. Those were fun times, perhaps the best in my entire 3rd year experience.
Year4.
I have two major events that I will always remember this year for: the moot competition and valentines day. I’ll start with the latter.
It has become something of a tradition for myself and my big sister to sacrifice sleep on the altar of business during valentines day. We work hard to bake those tasty chocolate cakes and get them all ready for that ‘special’ day. Anyways, vals day of year 4 was no exception. We had been up for two nights at a stretch and it was delivery time. The day started with a trip to idi-araba to drop off some cakes, then to unilag. There was so much traffic! I remember this because I was to run my errands quickly, then spend the rest of the day with Icicles. But traffic had its own plans. I was quite delayed in getting home, quite tired too. I remember that icicles came to my house to take me back to school, and I still had two stressful deliveries to make. In addition, it decided to rain on that day. He was gracious enough to take me on my delivery rounds, which were once again fraught with traffic. I also remember that there was no food anywhere. Now I’m sure your thinking, where is the good part? I’ll tell you in a bit. At the end of the day, when I was done with all the work and we had little hanging out time left, while I was thanking him for being so supportive and wot-not, he said to me, ‘ You’re everything I want, and then some.’ I don’t think I will ever forget that statement. Because it crowned the day with so much love, and it will go down in history as my best valentines day in unilag, and in my life so far. No one has ever said that to me. So saying it, and meaning it, totally transformed my day, heck , my life. It made me feel so good, and I replayed it over and over, and one day, I hope to God that I will be able to tell him the same thing, when all issues in heaven and on earth have been sorted out.
Next up, the moot competition. That was the first time I would represent unilag for anything. It was such a good experience, for two major reasons. First off, it brought me closer to my partner, Gbonka. I remember that we would wake up almost everyday for a month, head to the law annex, and begin practicing. We would read, memorise, watch a bit of the great debaters for inspiration, we would criticise, fumble, start again, it was amazing! Really good stuff I tell you. Even though we did not win, I was glad that I was able to stand before those foreign judges and not stutter. We made pretty good points, even won our rounds, the points were just not high enough for the finals.
I cannot not mention one of the most amazing lawyers that I had the privilege of meeting during the moot. Mr. Babatunde Irukera impressed me for many reasons. He had absolutely no reason to be there with us, teaching and coaching. He probably had better things to do with his time. But this man took it upon himself to share from his vast experience and properly tutor us in the art of advocacy. He was even willing to pull an all-nighter with us! I was amazed, like, are there really people like this in the world? He was extremely cool, very supportive, and even when we did not win, he still thought we were very good. One day soon, hopefully, I’ll get the chance to work a real life case with him. He, being a major part of my 400 level, definitely made it worthwhile.
Year 5.
Ah yes...the final year. I don’t think I’ll be forgetting this year in a hurry. Lets see...good memories...
Majorly, i will not forget my friendship with Gbonka. He helped me through some really hard times, and hanging with him was such fun. We would go on bread and sardine dates, work hard on my project, try out new food joints, have walking tutorial sessions, strategize on how to go about exams. He shared my burden of finishing with a good grade, and he believed with me. I will never forget the Sunday when I could not stay in my room, I was feeling really horrible, somewhat claustrophobic. I called him out of his room for the second time that day, and we walked to the senate. I remember we sat there, and I just wept, because I was so sad. He was just there, listening to me ramble on and cry, and he understood. He was one of the few people that actually got where I was coming from. Perhaps that night was the cement that sealed our friendship. I will certainly remember him fondly in my university experience.
One of the really good memories I have are of my final year dinner. I actually had a good time. After all the stress, it was really nice. The company, the food, the little after-party adventure, everything was just...fun. I wont expanciate much because I’ve done that already in my previous blog, but I can safely say, I made a good choice in dates.
Finally, I must write about the results. I will not forget it so easily because of how close i was to losing it. I mean, I could very easily have finished with a 2.2, the rate at which I was going. I filled my law school form and put a 2.1 as the class of degree because i was believing God for a miracle, and i most certainly got it. I don’t believe I have thanked Him enough for what He did for me. I will be eternally grateful to Him for His mercies.
My university years were nothing like I imagined it would be. But then, almost nothing is usually as i imagine. It’s usually better. Sometimes worse, but mostly better. It was a great learning experience, and I am truly thankful for everything.
For a day that was supposed to be fun, today was pretty darn stressful. In my tired state, I began to reflect on my university experience, at least some parts of it. So today, I’m gonna write about some really good times I can remember. Hopefully in the future, when I’m real busy, or working very hard, or just swamped with this and that, I can take time out to read it and smile. Here goes...
Year 1.
My best memories here centre mostly on opard. We used to hang out quite a lot back then, and I can say he was pretty much my first real friend in unilag. We would walk around, talking about his many philosophies, or rather, he was educating me about them. He used to sing the weirdest songs too. I remember one day, I was feeling rather gloomy, for reasons i cannot remember and my good friend Opard broke out into one of his many songs, and I laughed so much, all the gloom disappeared. It was like a ray of sunshine on a very cloudy day. Yes. My first year was good. I had Opard in it, and I would not trade him for the world.
Year 2.
Hmmm...somehow myself and opard where not as close as we used to be, I guess new situations and experiences came along. We even had a fight at the beginning of the session, but he taught me stuff, like when things are bad between you and a person, you don’t carry on as though things will never get better, or like you’ve totally given up on that person, unless of course you have.
One major thing I will never forget about this year was what was to be the beginnings of my reading adventure with Ekwi. You see, me and this girl started talking in year 1, but we got closer in this period, and we would read together. We all lamented that who sent us to read law, when we could have been happy dancing for grades or drawing or something, the suffering was still new to us. There was the street light episode, where we had to seat under the lamps at the centre of the road because there was no light anywhere else. I distinctly remember the incident where we had read all night, were very tired, and we had early morning papers. Exams were over for everyone else, so we, i.e my class mates were generally the only ones around. After we had taken a bath, we decided to attempt to rest for an hour before the paper. We even knelt down with our heads on the bed so we would not sleep too much. Apparently sleeping at all was a bad idea because by the time we woke up, we were in pain! Those were the beginnings of what we would call suffer-head days...
I cannot not mention my first real guy-experience that occurred in this year. It was the first time I had someone really like me..like he was quite besotted! It was nice to be able to make someone that happy. Apparently, I would later learn in my experiences, that I could make a person really sad too.
Year3.
As much as I would say that this year was not my best in many ways, I have some really good memories that I must not forget. This was the period in which I started talking with Icicles. Ii remember that after roda one day, he called me up after 12, and we chatted about all kinds of stuff. Little did I know that this was to become a constant occurrence. We would talk for nights at a stretch, many hours, then we would wake up with what i termed ‘talk hang-overs’. Those were fun times, perhaps the best in my entire 3rd year experience.
Year4.
I have two major events that I will always remember this year for: the moot competition and valentines day. I’ll start with the latter.
It has become something of a tradition for myself and my big sister to sacrifice sleep on the altar of business during valentines day. We work hard to bake those tasty chocolate cakes and get them all ready for that ‘special’ day. Anyways, vals day of year 4 was no exception. We had been up for two nights at a stretch and it was delivery time. The day started with a trip to idi-araba to drop off some cakes, then to unilag. There was so much traffic! I remember this because I was to run my errands quickly, then spend the rest of the day with Icicles. But traffic had its own plans. I was quite delayed in getting home, quite tired too. I remember that icicles came to my house to take me back to school, and I still had two stressful deliveries to make. In addition, it decided to rain on that day. He was gracious enough to take me on my delivery rounds, which were once again fraught with traffic. I also remember that there was no food anywhere. Now I’m sure your thinking, where is the good part? I’ll tell you in a bit. At the end of the day, when I was done with all the work and we had little hanging out time left, while I was thanking him for being so supportive and wot-not, he said to me, ‘ You’re everything I want, and then some.’ I don’t think I will ever forget that statement. Because it crowned the day with so much love, and it will go down in history as my best valentines day in unilag, and in my life so far. No one has ever said that to me. So saying it, and meaning it, totally transformed my day, heck , my life. It made me feel so good, and I replayed it over and over, and one day, I hope to God that I will be able to tell him the same thing, when all issues in heaven and on earth have been sorted out.
Next up, the moot competition. That was the first time I would represent unilag for anything. It was such a good experience, for two major reasons. First off, it brought me closer to my partner, Gbonka. I remember that we would wake up almost everyday for a month, head to the law annex, and begin practicing. We would read, memorise, watch a bit of the great debaters for inspiration, we would criticise, fumble, start again, it was amazing! Really good stuff I tell you. Even though we did not win, I was glad that I was able to stand before those foreign judges and not stutter. We made pretty good points, even won our rounds, the points were just not high enough for the finals.
I cannot not mention one of the most amazing lawyers that I had the privilege of meeting during the moot. Mr. Babatunde Irukera impressed me for many reasons. He had absolutely no reason to be there with us, teaching and coaching. He probably had better things to do with his time. But this man took it upon himself to share from his vast experience and properly tutor us in the art of advocacy. He was even willing to pull an all-nighter with us! I was amazed, like, are there really people like this in the world? He was extremely cool, very supportive, and even when we did not win, he still thought we were very good. One day soon, hopefully, I’ll get the chance to work a real life case with him. He, being a major part of my 400 level, definitely made it worthwhile.
Year 5.
Ah yes...the final year. I don’t think I’ll be forgetting this year in a hurry. Lets see...good memories...
Majorly, i will not forget my friendship with Gbonka. He helped me through some really hard times, and hanging with him was such fun. We would go on bread and sardine dates, work hard on my project, try out new food joints, have walking tutorial sessions, strategize on how to go about exams. He shared my burden of finishing with a good grade, and he believed with me. I will never forget the Sunday when I could not stay in my room, I was feeling really horrible, somewhat claustrophobic. I called him out of his room for the second time that day, and we walked to the senate. I remember we sat there, and I just wept, because I was so sad. He was just there, listening to me ramble on and cry, and he understood. He was one of the few people that actually got where I was coming from. Perhaps that night was the cement that sealed our friendship. I will certainly remember him fondly in my university experience.
One of the really good memories I have are of my final year dinner. I actually had a good time. After all the stress, it was really nice. The company, the food, the little after-party adventure, everything was just...fun. I wont expanciate much because I’ve done that already in my previous blog, but I can safely say, I made a good choice in dates.
Finally, I must write about the results. I will not forget it so easily because of how close i was to losing it. I mean, I could very easily have finished with a 2.2, the rate at which I was going. I filled my law school form and put a 2.1 as the class of degree because i was believing God for a miracle, and i most certainly got it. I don’t believe I have thanked Him enough for what He did for me. I will be eternally grateful to Him for His mercies.
My university years were nothing like I imagined it would be. But then, almost nothing is usually as i imagine. It’s usually better. Sometimes worse, but mostly better. It was a great learning experience, and I am truly thankful for everything.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Nightmare seeks to return!
Anyone who is in Nigeria and pays attention to his surroundings knows that it’s election season. Other than the daily prayer for Nigeria, I have not given it too much thought. Not until now anyways. And now its not that I’ve suddenly becoming politically inclined or especially interested, but I came across something that absolutely caught my fancy. Simply put, it was the gall, the effrontery, the audacity of a man, how a person could be so shameless.
I was looking through the TELL Magazine dated September 27 (they produce each one to last for a week), when I saw a special report written by some dude called Tunde Babatunde. This special feature was on Ibrahim Babangida, and his presidential ambition. The obviously well paid sell-out of a reporter took out time and effort to compile all of IBB’s ‘achievements’ when he was in power form 1985 to 1993. This feature, which took half of the magazine was ludicrous! I could not believe what I was reading! This reporter who was either unborn during IBB’s regime, or has suddenly developed selective amnesia, or just cares more for the well being of his pocket than for the future of his children, went on and on about how that period was Nigeria’s ‘golden age’. I thought, this guy has gotta be kidding! He listed the many great things that the tyrant did for this nation, stupid stupid things o, I might add, like development of science and technology, indigenization of the upstream petroleum industry (indeed...), agriculture, a steel plant that hardly even works, blah, blah, blah, things which are of no real consequence to the life and survival of a nation.Dear followers, it was quite a lot of crap that this reporter put up! Rubbish infrastructural facilities that this demon of a man allegedly put in place in Nigeria. Things that add absolutely n value to the well-being of the common man.
This dude had the gall to write that IBB is the best president that Nigerians are expecting. They went and dug up pictures of him with Margaret thatcher,of him laughing gleefully with Obasanjo...who gives a hoot? As if this was not bad enough, this Tunde Babatunde interviewed some mallams, also well paid no doubt, who opened their betraying mouths and were saying hogwash, like how IBB has the ability to rule Nigeria, how he is people oriented, how the masses are yearning for him. God forbid!!!
I wonder why they did not come to the south to get some opinions. The reporter would probably be tied to a stake and lynched.
I cant help wondering, what the heck is going on in that man’s head? Does he think Nigerians have forgotten the disasters which he single-handedly brought upon this land? Does he think we have forgotten the likes of Dele Giwa, and many others, whom he annihilated for speaking the truth? Does he really believe that he can bribe all of us with 5000 naira, which he probably wont even pay, so that we can sell our souls into slavery again? Now I get why some people could not find any pity in their hearts when his wife died. The woman went about doing this program and that movement, things which would have been absolutely unnecessary if her husband was not busy stealing all the nation’s resources.
Nigerians yearn for him a much as they yearn for poverty and death. He is a bigger idiot that I thought if he thinks the people have forgotten...because the people are like the mafia...we never forget. Not this kind of thing anyway. Not a blow that has left our nation crippled. Heck, we still feel the impact of the blow till today. It is obscene and downright insulting for a person like that to rare his head in public, not to mention contesting for the presidency.
Whatever ideas his ‘advisers’ have been feeding him with, whatever is giving him hope that he is not just wasting stolen money on a useless venture, will follow him to his grave and probably convince him that he is no invinsible he can fly.
However, It is between him and God what his judgement will be. In the meantime, his hope for return will not go past that. Hope. Not if we are still a people with reason and memory. And not if there is still a God alive in heaven, ruling in the affairs of men.
This nightmare needs to stay where it belongs: in the past, as a horrible experience which we suffered before, never to repeat itself.
I was looking through the TELL Magazine dated September 27 (they produce each one to last for a week), when I saw a special report written by some dude called Tunde Babatunde. This special feature was on Ibrahim Babangida, and his presidential ambition. The obviously well paid sell-out of a reporter took out time and effort to compile all of IBB’s ‘achievements’ when he was in power form 1985 to 1993. This feature, which took half of the magazine was ludicrous! I could not believe what I was reading! This reporter who was either unborn during IBB’s regime, or has suddenly developed selective amnesia, or just cares more for the well being of his pocket than for the future of his children, went on and on about how that period was Nigeria’s ‘golden age’. I thought, this guy has gotta be kidding! He listed the many great things that the tyrant did for this nation, stupid stupid things o, I might add, like development of science and technology, indigenization of the upstream petroleum industry (indeed...), agriculture, a steel plant that hardly even works, blah, blah, blah, things which are of no real consequence to the life and survival of a nation.Dear followers, it was quite a lot of crap that this reporter put up! Rubbish infrastructural facilities that this demon of a man allegedly put in place in Nigeria. Things that add absolutely n value to the well-being of the common man.
This dude had the gall to write that IBB is the best president that Nigerians are expecting. They went and dug up pictures of him with Margaret thatcher,of him laughing gleefully with Obasanjo...who gives a hoot? As if this was not bad enough, this Tunde Babatunde interviewed some mallams, also well paid no doubt, who opened their betraying mouths and were saying hogwash, like how IBB has the ability to rule Nigeria, how he is people oriented, how the masses are yearning for him. God forbid!!!
I wonder why they did not come to the south to get some opinions. The reporter would probably be tied to a stake and lynched.
I cant help wondering, what the heck is going on in that man’s head? Does he think Nigerians have forgotten the disasters which he single-handedly brought upon this land? Does he think we have forgotten the likes of Dele Giwa, and many others, whom he annihilated for speaking the truth? Does he really believe that he can bribe all of us with 5000 naira, which he probably wont even pay, so that we can sell our souls into slavery again? Now I get why some people could not find any pity in their hearts when his wife died. The woman went about doing this program and that movement, things which would have been absolutely unnecessary if her husband was not busy stealing all the nation’s resources.
Nigerians yearn for him a much as they yearn for poverty and death. He is a bigger idiot that I thought if he thinks the people have forgotten...because the people are like the mafia...we never forget. Not this kind of thing anyway. Not a blow that has left our nation crippled. Heck, we still feel the impact of the blow till today. It is obscene and downright insulting for a person like that to rare his head in public, not to mention contesting for the presidency.
Whatever ideas his ‘advisers’ have been feeding him with, whatever is giving him hope that he is not just wasting stolen money on a useless venture, will follow him to his grave and probably convince him that he is no invinsible he can fly.
However, It is between him and God what his judgement will be. In the meantime, his hope for return will not go past that. Hope. Not if we are still a people with reason and memory. And not if there is still a God alive in heaven, ruling in the affairs of men.
This nightmare needs to stay where it belongs: in the past, as a horrible experience which we suffered before, never to repeat itself.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
He did it.
He did it.
Finally, I can write about it. It’s almost unbelievable. But God did it. He actually did it for me! Wow...I’m listening to the songs I always listened to when I was hoping and trusting that He would give me a miracle, and now He has.
You may wonder what I am going on about. It’s my final year result! I finished with a 2.1. Now you may not realise the importance of this, so I will explain it to you.
Because of my history, I have always had some sort of expectation bestowed upon me. I did not really think I would have a problem living up to this expectation, at least where academics are concerned. I’ll like to believe I’m not a dull babe, and school work has never been that much of an issue for me. But somehow, i got majorly distracted, and my grades were on an almost steady decline, for one reason or the other. I’m pretty sure it was because God had said that I will never fail, that’s why I never ended up with a flat zero, or any carry-overs. Trust me, I do not give myself any credit for whatever success I have had, it’s absolutely all God.
Anyway, in my year one, my result was pretty good. Did not quite reach a first class, but along the line, I think hopes of a first class flew out of the window for all of us, so we all strived to maintain, and attain good second class uppers.
In year 2, my result received a big slap! It was the first time we were experiencing law, and the way questions were answered was just weird! But it was a learning process, and even God was rooting for me. I remember my contract exam. It was horrid! Like, I did not remember any cases, everything just flew out of my head! As God would have it, the exam questions leaked, so we had to rewrite it. This time, I was ready. We had to read under the street lights because there was no light in the entire school. I’m sure I would have had a bold zero if we had not redone that exam.
Year 3 was probably the year with the worst results. It’s sad how I cannot look back at that year and remember anything concrete that I did or gained. I was just floating, like a directionless confused human being. My result could best be described as mediocre. Very. One good thing that I can remember now that I think about it is that that was the year I started talking to icicles. Now that was definitely a good thing.
Year 4 was somewhat better. I had good influence, a good man who was always pushing me to work. My results that year were markedly better, except for one course that tried to screw me over. Thank God for God.
Now year 5 is the year I will never ever forget. The first semester was okay, except for yet another course that wanted to mess me up. Second semester was...unbelievable. It had to have been my most turbulent semester, heck, the most turbulent time in my young life! I was such a wreck at some point, it was amazing. I went from being claustrophobic, to sad, to desperate, to depressed, to crazyish... But somehow or the other, God was there with me, every single step of the way, even when I did not know that He was. You know the amazing thing? He started answering my prayers before I really started praying. Like I heard that in my jurisprudence, I had the highest score in the test. When I heard, i was like, what? Are you sure? Cos I did not remember that test being fantastic at all. I remember just sha writing stories, hoping they would make sense. And somehow, they did. And then I remember my Evidence. God had to have sent Prof Osibajo, cos that man is one heck of a lecturer! Because of Him, I understood the topic, and I loved my exam. As in, I actually loved it! It’s one of those papers i think back on fondly! Who does that? I guess I do. Evidence...I will never forget you. And my project. Hmm... I had this ‘wonderful’ lady for my supervisor, the kind that you are afraid to talk too much in her presence in case she gets mad and takes it out on your grade. Mehn, the Lord sha found a way to do it for me. Imagine, she did not look at the final project, she graded based on my past mistakes in the work! She’s one of those people I hope I meet in future, when I’m all rich and powerful , and when she does not have any kind of power over me anymore.
All in all, I had help. The Lord sent me all kinds of help. One major source was Gbonka. I think he will forever be my friend. He was there at my lowest point. He helped me through the project, from the beginning to the end. He was there, hoping with me, believing that i could do it, explaining stuff to me and teaching me when I did not have a clue. My God will bless him abundantly. There were others like Opard, who gave me useful tips, Icicles, who never stopped believing, Enniesams, who had my back all the way, Zibusiso, who made me laugh at times when I would have been crying hard. Even my Dad helped in his own way, cos I never went hungry.
Jehovah did it for me. In spite of my screw-ups, in spite of my sins, in spite of my unfaithfulness. He did it. He heard my prayers and answered them. He did not leave me to my own devises, nor did He punish me for my shortcomings.
Ah Lord, I don’t know what to say really, but i think a heart-felt thank you would suffice.
I give You absolutely all the credit.
Finally, I can write about it. It’s almost unbelievable. But God did it. He actually did it for me! Wow...I’m listening to the songs I always listened to when I was hoping and trusting that He would give me a miracle, and now He has.
You may wonder what I am going on about. It’s my final year result! I finished with a 2.1. Now you may not realise the importance of this, so I will explain it to you.
Because of my history, I have always had some sort of expectation bestowed upon me. I did not really think I would have a problem living up to this expectation, at least where academics are concerned. I’ll like to believe I’m not a dull babe, and school work has never been that much of an issue for me. But somehow, i got majorly distracted, and my grades were on an almost steady decline, for one reason or the other. I’m pretty sure it was because God had said that I will never fail, that’s why I never ended up with a flat zero, or any carry-overs. Trust me, I do not give myself any credit for whatever success I have had, it’s absolutely all God.
Anyway, in my year one, my result was pretty good. Did not quite reach a first class, but along the line, I think hopes of a first class flew out of the window for all of us, so we all strived to maintain, and attain good second class uppers.
In year 2, my result received a big slap! It was the first time we were experiencing law, and the way questions were answered was just weird! But it was a learning process, and even God was rooting for me. I remember my contract exam. It was horrid! Like, I did not remember any cases, everything just flew out of my head! As God would have it, the exam questions leaked, so we had to rewrite it. This time, I was ready. We had to read under the street lights because there was no light in the entire school. I’m sure I would have had a bold zero if we had not redone that exam.
Year 3 was probably the year with the worst results. It’s sad how I cannot look back at that year and remember anything concrete that I did or gained. I was just floating, like a directionless confused human being. My result could best be described as mediocre. Very. One good thing that I can remember now that I think about it is that that was the year I started talking to icicles. Now that was definitely a good thing.
Year 4 was somewhat better. I had good influence, a good man who was always pushing me to work. My results that year were markedly better, except for one course that tried to screw me over. Thank God for God.
Now year 5 is the year I will never ever forget. The first semester was okay, except for yet another course that wanted to mess me up. Second semester was...unbelievable. It had to have been my most turbulent semester, heck, the most turbulent time in my young life! I was such a wreck at some point, it was amazing. I went from being claustrophobic, to sad, to desperate, to depressed, to crazyish... But somehow or the other, God was there with me, every single step of the way, even when I did not know that He was. You know the amazing thing? He started answering my prayers before I really started praying. Like I heard that in my jurisprudence, I had the highest score in the test. When I heard, i was like, what? Are you sure? Cos I did not remember that test being fantastic at all. I remember just sha writing stories, hoping they would make sense. And somehow, they did. And then I remember my Evidence. God had to have sent Prof Osibajo, cos that man is one heck of a lecturer! Because of Him, I understood the topic, and I loved my exam. As in, I actually loved it! It’s one of those papers i think back on fondly! Who does that? I guess I do. Evidence...I will never forget you. And my project. Hmm... I had this ‘wonderful’ lady for my supervisor, the kind that you are afraid to talk too much in her presence in case she gets mad and takes it out on your grade. Mehn, the Lord sha found a way to do it for me. Imagine, she did not look at the final project, she graded based on my past mistakes in the work! She’s one of those people I hope I meet in future, when I’m all rich and powerful , and when she does not have any kind of power over me anymore.
All in all, I had help. The Lord sent me all kinds of help. One major source was Gbonka. I think he will forever be my friend. He was there at my lowest point. He helped me through the project, from the beginning to the end. He was there, hoping with me, believing that i could do it, explaining stuff to me and teaching me when I did not have a clue. My God will bless him abundantly. There were others like Opard, who gave me useful tips, Icicles, who never stopped believing, Enniesams, who had my back all the way, Zibusiso, who made me laugh at times when I would have been crying hard. Even my Dad helped in his own way, cos I never went hungry.
Jehovah did it for me. In spite of my screw-ups, in spite of my sins, in spite of my unfaithfulness. He did it. He heard my prayers and answered them. He did not leave me to my own devises, nor did He punish me for my shortcomings.
Ah Lord, I don’t know what to say really, but i think a heart-felt thank you would suffice.
I give You absolutely all the credit.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Ruminating...
Eternity is so crucial, yet men are so earthly-conscious that they barely give it a thought.
Got me thinking. Heaven, and making it there, is one of those things that we seldom think about. When we do think about it, such thought is accompanied by a burst of emotion, remorse perhaps, as to the way we have been living. But afterwards, such issues are forgotten as we embrace the mundane, and quite frankly, the useless things of this life.
Eternity. Whether we chose to acknowledge it, or consider it, whether we factor it in during gossip sessions, or make-out sessions, it is constant. It exists, mostly in the background, but it exists. It’s like the workings of the body as blood flows, as the spinal cord and the brain work together. It’s like the workings of the sun as it balances out the atmosphere, the workings of air has it moves in and out, here and there. We do not acknowledge it, until something happens, and it decides to show itself. We are so careless to assume that there is some eternal mercy that we are entitled to, some timeline somewhere which allows us to do things at our own time, as we wish. What we don’t realise is that ‘our own time’ is God simply cutting us some slack, yet again, because of the love which we totally do not deserve, but constantly take advantage of.
So I’m thinking about these things, thinking about my life and the things that may disqualify me from spending eternity with the Father. Thinking about how I need to really work on my relationship with God, and how I have to really let go.
Let go? Surely you are sick of that subject, dear non-existent followers. I certainly am. And I thought, or at least hoped that I was making good progress with that. After all, I’m now generally on my own, with the other party managing without my presence in any form or fashion. But I found today, with the most annoying realisation, that the progress I was somewhat proud of, was probably just a time-lapse, or the clamour of more pressing issues. How else will I explain the intensity with which I pursued and thought of the most mundane thing today? I amuse myself sometimes, the way I carry on. I know what I must do. I started already. It’s the other part that seems so difficult. Maybe it’s because I have never done it before, and I never thought I’d have to do it. Maybe it’s just the way I am. I really don’t know. But when I finally get to that point, will I feel different? Certainly. In some ways, I look forward to it. In other ways, I hope it happens differently.
I hear that your love, if you let it go, and it comes back, then it’s back to stay. I just have to familiarise myself with the possibility that it may not come back.
Got me thinking. Heaven, and making it there, is one of those things that we seldom think about. When we do think about it, such thought is accompanied by a burst of emotion, remorse perhaps, as to the way we have been living. But afterwards, such issues are forgotten as we embrace the mundane, and quite frankly, the useless things of this life.
Eternity. Whether we chose to acknowledge it, or consider it, whether we factor it in during gossip sessions, or make-out sessions, it is constant. It exists, mostly in the background, but it exists. It’s like the workings of the body as blood flows, as the spinal cord and the brain work together. It’s like the workings of the sun as it balances out the atmosphere, the workings of air has it moves in and out, here and there. We do not acknowledge it, until something happens, and it decides to show itself. We are so careless to assume that there is some eternal mercy that we are entitled to, some timeline somewhere which allows us to do things at our own time, as we wish. What we don’t realise is that ‘our own time’ is God simply cutting us some slack, yet again, because of the love which we totally do not deserve, but constantly take advantage of.
So I’m thinking about these things, thinking about my life and the things that may disqualify me from spending eternity with the Father. Thinking about how I need to really work on my relationship with God, and how I have to really let go.
Let go? Surely you are sick of that subject, dear non-existent followers. I certainly am. And I thought, or at least hoped that I was making good progress with that. After all, I’m now generally on my own, with the other party managing without my presence in any form or fashion. But I found today, with the most annoying realisation, that the progress I was somewhat proud of, was probably just a time-lapse, or the clamour of more pressing issues. How else will I explain the intensity with which I pursued and thought of the most mundane thing today? I amuse myself sometimes, the way I carry on. I know what I must do. I started already. It’s the other part that seems so difficult. Maybe it’s because I have never done it before, and I never thought I’d have to do it. Maybe it’s just the way I am. I really don’t know. But when I finally get to that point, will I feel different? Certainly. In some ways, I look forward to it. In other ways, I hope it happens differently.
I hear that your love, if you let it go, and it comes back, then it’s back to stay. I just have to familiarise myself with the possibility that it may not come back.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
thinking out loud...
‘You are lazy. You’ll never amount to anything’
This is what a father told his kid.
Kinda makes me wonder about things. Like who gives a human being the right to verbally degrade and reduce another human being. Does the fact that a person is a parent give him/her the privilege to destroy the life of the child? Because the way I see it, a parent is a custodian. He has a duty, not a right, to bring up the child. But people often believe that because they give someone else their money, this automatically confers the authority to talk as they wish. Such a sad mentality. I mean, if its about the money, then anybody can give money. Or, i can pay you back every dime you ever spent on me, once I am old enough and buoyant enough. But parenting can’t be just about that. I imagine that the way God designed it, the custodian- parent, is supposed to teach the child, and guide the child, train him to live successfully in a world which he is unfamiliar with.
So how do you train a child that you have decided tell that he won’t make it in life?
Why do people, not just parents, decide to break other people down with words? Why would you call your impressionable child all sorts of names, feed his mind with the false sense that he cannot become great? Why do you open your mouth and call another person horrible names, like retard, or imbecile, or moron, like you designed the person and you have a say in his make-up or his future?
Perhaps its because we feel that we are justified, like a parent who thinks, heck, i give him food, clothes, shelter, so I can say whatever the hell I want. Or the person who views himself on a higher pedestal, whether financially, intellectually or spiritually, so when the ‘lower beings’ mess up, its his 'God-given right' to point out their flaws.
Its all the same you see, it’s all verbal abuse. Whether it be in the form of ‘correction’ (which is more accurately destruction), or it is in a fit of rage, or justified indignation, it’s all the same.
No one has the right to make anyone feel like less of a human being. The only person that has that right is the creator of the human being, and even He won’t do that. No one has the right to oppress another person, because he happens to be on a higher echelon, whether by age, or class, status or intellect. No one has the right to belittle another person, whether in his presence or behind his back. Imagine a girl whose boyfriend repeatedly cheats on her, to her knowledge, telling someone else that the other person is too disgusting to be in her clique! See me see wahala o! Its almost laughable, mostly pitiable.
I find that the people most willing to bring others down are those who have hurts they are trying hard to disguise, those who are constantly mocked by their own imperfections, so they try to focus on those imperfections they see or manufacture in others.
The Bible says that the tongue, though a little member, is a flame of fire, a world of wickedness. Everyone talks so recklessly, spewing forth words that they don’t really understand, which they cannot take back, breaking down the esteem of others, creating deadly impressions and mind-sets.
I guess this is just something that really gets to me, and I felt the need to blog about it. Nobody is justified, or allowed to destroy another person with words. Nobody.
By the way, that kid, by any standard, is now a very successful doctor, much more successful than his father was, or is.
This is what a father told his kid.
Kinda makes me wonder about things. Like who gives a human being the right to verbally degrade and reduce another human being. Does the fact that a person is a parent give him/her the privilege to destroy the life of the child? Because the way I see it, a parent is a custodian. He has a duty, not a right, to bring up the child. But people often believe that because they give someone else their money, this automatically confers the authority to talk as they wish. Such a sad mentality. I mean, if its about the money, then anybody can give money. Or, i can pay you back every dime you ever spent on me, once I am old enough and buoyant enough. But parenting can’t be just about that. I imagine that the way God designed it, the custodian- parent, is supposed to teach the child, and guide the child, train him to live successfully in a world which he is unfamiliar with.
So how do you train a child that you have decided tell that he won’t make it in life?
Why do people, not just parents, decide to break other people down with words? Why would you call your impressionable child all sorts of names, feed his mind with the false sense that he cannot become great? Why do you open your mouth and call another person horrible names, like retard, or imbecile, or moron, like you designed the person and you have a say in his make-up or his future?
Perhaps its because we feel that we are justified, like a parent who thinks, heck, i give him food, clothes, shelter, so I can say whatever the hell I want. Or the person who views himself on a higher pedestal, whether financially, intellectually or spiritually, so when the ‘lower beings’ mess up, its his 'God-given right' to point out their flaws.
Its all the same you see, it’s all verbal abuse. Whether it be in the form of ‘correction’ (which is more accurately destruction), or it is in a fit of rage, or justified indignation, it’s all the same.
No one has the right to make anyone feel like less of a human being. The only person that has that right is the creator of the human being, and even He won’t do that. No one has the right to oppress another person, because he happens to be on a higher echelon, whether by age, or class, status or intellect. No one has the right to belittle another person, whether in his presence or behind his back. Imagine a girl whose boyfriend repeatedly cheats on her, to her knowledge, telling someone else that the other person is too disgusting to be in her clique! See me see wahala o! Its almost laughable, mostly pitiable.
I find that the people most willing to bring others down are those who have hurts they are trying hard to disguise, those who are constantly mocked by their own imperfections, so they try to focus on those imperfections they see or manufacture in others.
The Bible says that the tongue, though a little member, is a flame of fire, a world of wickedness. Everyone talks so recklessly, spewing forth words that they don’t really understand, which they cannot take back, breaking down the esteem of others, creating deadly impressions and mind-sets.
I guess this is just something that really gets to me, and I felt the need to blog about it. Nobody is justified, or allowed to destroy another person with words. Nobody.
By the way, that kid, by any standard, is now a very successful doctor, much more successful than his father was, or is.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Dinner...
So this blog is kind of back-dated. I started it on the morning after, but did not quite finish it. I think its fine now...
5:35a.m
Its the morning after the dinner. While sensible people are still sleeping, or just about to wake up, I am just about to hit the sack. But before i do, i must chronicle my final year dinner experience, cos it was quite out of the ordinary.
So, after much stress, preparations and money spent, September 9 finally arrives. Final year dinner. There’s the buzz of excitement which reaches its crescendo in the evening. As I prepare with my friends, I await the arrival of my two dates. Yes, I did in fact have two dates. Two delightful young men who made the evening quite fun.
One of them came earlier in the day so we could plan for proper transportation. Apparently he does not drive at night anymore because of a near-death experience he had on third mainland bridge. I saw the photos of the wrecked car. Thank God for His protection. And for seat-belts.
Anyways, my outfit was generally simple. Quite elegant. My sister has great taste. The make up and the hair were the main wow factors, because I managed to look quite different, but not outrageously different. I liked the effect, and I thank God it worked out well.
As I had suspected would happen, my dates arrived later than planned. They were hanging out with high school friends, i just knew they would have too much fun and forget the time. But we were not that late, because the event had not really started when we got there.
The dinner was generally boring, as all dinners are prone to be. But i had a grand time laughing with my friends, and i did not regret bringing my dates at all, because they made it all so much fun. Without them, it would have been quite a drag. The mood improved a bit though, after the food and some more artistes came to perform. Spirit mode was present, and i still wish he had stuck to his fantastic krumping because the rap was ill suited for that event, not that the microphones were helping matters at all. Mongs got quite excited at the end and he felt the urge to dance. My, was he entertaining. I laughed so much, and somehow, his dancing grew quite likeable. Good thing i caught some of it on video. Did i mention that i tried some of their beer? In my mind, i was feeling quite adventurous, so i took a sip, then a gulp, then another gulp. Nasty stuff. Oyewalls, in all his ‘wisdom’, explained to me the dynamics of the beer. It still don’t mean i will be trying it again. I was glad my friends blended quite nicely. They were jolly and interesting and fun to talk to. Good stuff.
Now the height of my adventurousness. Mongs felt the need to party, since he was always busy most times, so somehow, with ekwi’s support, we stayed for the after party. It is quite safe to say that this was my first and last club party. Goodness, the club was packed, hot, smokey, the dj was dulling, we were tired...that cannot be my life on the regular. To think that some people do that every week! It was not totally bad. I had some fun dancing to select music and watching Mongs, but after a while i had more fun hanging with GB and talking with oyewalls. We had a very interesting conversation, perhaps the highlight of the whole afterparty experience. Turns out that we went to the same primary school as well, and he was the head boy, a year ahead of me. That explains why i did not remember all this. We talked about alot of good stuff, and when my feet were hurting like heck, we went to sit. Then i dozed a bit before it was time to leave. Suffice it to say, it was a very interesting dinner, i had fun, even got some good news which i cannot share until it is complete.
I decided to put something down before I go to bed. I am positively worn out, and my finger hurts.
Class of ’10 Law Dinner. It has come, it has gone. Thank God.
5:35a.m
Its the morning after the dinner. While sensible people are still sleeping, or just about to wake up, I am just about to hit the sack. But before i do, i must chronicle my final year dinner experience, cos it was quite out of the ordinary.
So, after much stress, preparations and money spent, September 9 finally arrives. Final year dinner. There’s the buzz of excitement which reaches its crescendo in the evening. As I prepare with my friends, I await the arrival of my two dates. Yes, I did in fact have two dates. Two delightful young men who made the evening quite fun.
One of them came earlier in the day so we could plan for proper transportation. Apparently he does not drive at night anymore because of a near-death experience he had on third mainland bridge. I saw the photos of the wrecked car. Thank God for His protection. And for seat-belts.
Anyways, my outfit was generally simple. Quite elegant. My sister has great taste. The make up and the hair were the main wow factors, because I managed to look quite different, but not outrageously different. I liked the effect, and I thank God it worked out well.
As I had suspected would happen, my dates arrived later than planned. They were hanging out with high school friends, i just knew they would have too much fun and forget the time. But we were not that late, because the event had not really started when we got there.
The dinner was generally boring, as all dinners are prone to be. But i had a grand time laughing with my friends, and i did not regret bringing my dates at all, because they made it all so much fun. Without them, it would have been quite a drag. The mood improved a bit though, after the food and some more artistes came to perform. Spirit mode was present, and i still wish he had stuck to his fantastic krumping because the rap was ill suited for that event, not that the microphones were helping matters at all. Mongs got quite excited at the end and he felt the urge to dance. My, was he entertaining. I laughed so much, and somehow, his dancing grew quite likeable. Good thing i caught some of it on video. Did i mention that i tried some of their beer? In my mind, i was feeling quite adventurous, so i took a sip, then a gulp, then another gulp. Nasty stuff. Oyewalls, in all his ‘wisdom’, explained to me the dynamics of the beer. It still don’t mean i will be trying it again. I was glad my friends blended quite nicely. They were jolly and interesting and fun to talk to. Good stuff.
Now the height of my adventurousness. Mongs felt the need to party, since he was always busy most times, so somehow, with ekwi’s support, we stayed for the after party. It is quite safe to say that this was my first and last club party. Goodness, the club was packed, hot, smokey, the dj was dulling, we were tired...that cannot be my life on the regular. To think that some people do that every week! It was not totally bad. I had some fun dancing to select music and watching Mongs, but after a while i had more fun hanging with GB and talking with oyewalls. We had a very interesting conversation, perhaps the highlight of the whole afterparty experience. Turns out that we went to the same primary school as well, and he was the head boy, a year ahead of me. That explains why i did not remember all this. We talked about alot of good stuff, and when my feet were hurting like heck, we went to sit. Then i dozed a bit before it was time to leave. Suffice it to say, it was a very interesting dinner, i had fun, even got some good news which i cannot share until it is complete.
I decided to put something down before I go to bed. I am positively worn out, and my finger hurts.
Class of ’10 Law Dinner. It has come, it has gone. Thank God.
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