Goodbye 22...

Hello Bloggerville,

Its been a very long minute. Life has been...interesting, very many new things happening. I can confidently say that God has been very kind to me.

Its the eve of my 23rd year, and I know that in a few hours i will cease to be a 22 year old. So i want to capture this time that i will never get back on paper, as much as i can. I want to reflect on my life so far.

22 was miles better than 21. Miles. The hurt and pain of 21 spilled into 22 a bit, but not so much. I was blessed in many ways, and I shall mention a few.

I completed law school in 22. You might be thinking that its no big deal, but I know how big a deal it was. It was nothing but the mercy of the God of the universe that kept me. Law school was...fun. It was quite a hassle, filled with stressful days and sleepless nights. But it was worth it. I learnt many things, made new friends. I healed. I miss those times, but I don’t want to go back. I have lived it. I have moved on.

In 22, I experienced the kind of love I only dream about. I felt the love of a friend. Not the generic term, no. The true meaning. Omolaja is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. He is a gift that most times I don’t think I deserve. Sometimes I do not get why he loves me so much. But he sees me the way only he can. He was with me during the 3 weeks in camp, and he made it very worthwhile. I love him to bits, and I wont let him forget. I found my best friend. I found Omolaja. Oh and there are girls that would give a limb to be where I am...but well, sorry for you guys :)

In 22, I got a little niece. The most precious little child. Gorgeous too. She has brought such joy to my family. Such a little blessing.

In 22, I made a friend under the strangest possible circumstances. It was the weirdest thing. Almost no one understood. But it proved to me, that there are many impressions, many views. Many, 'this-just-cant-happen.' But why not? Who makes these rules? And why do I have to follow them? If they are rules formulated from the belly of human weakness and frailty, then I'm not interested in following them. I just want to forge my own path, and please God in the best way I can.

In 22, everything worked out in ways that were clearly not my doing. God showed me great mercy. I finished law school with a good result, started service, got work. I stumbled, fell, bruised, healed. I am a product of love.

In 22, i made up my mind, that my only source would be the Lord of hosts. The one who moved me from 90 bucks to a million. The One who made all things work. The Lord who heard my cry.

I have too many things to be thankful for. No complaints, no regrets.

Thank you so much, Lord Jesus.

tener algo en la cabeza...

Once upon a time, there was a man. He met a girl and fell in love. What he saw in her was not clear, because she was not your everyday girl. But then again, He was not your run-off-the-mill guy. As far as the physical was, she did not...’call’ a man’s attention. Somehow, she managed to call his. She also called his heart. No one could understand the pair. But then again, it wasn’t for them to understand.

The man was not perfect, but he worked hard at being the best of himself. He was human, beautifully so. And he loved her with all his heart. She never could understand why.
The girl made choices, bad choices. The choices lead to a breaking apart. It was over.

And then, the man changed. Or so she thought. Because she did not recognise the person that he had become. She seemed to struggle to reconcile who she knew him to be to who he was being. The question then is, who had the identity crisis? The girl, who thought she ‘knew’ him, or the man, who was being himself all along?

Here is my take on this. There is hardly a concept as ‘who we are’. People say, ‘ I do this and that. It’s who I am’. Nonsense I think. All we have are different variants of who we can be. Some variants are comfortable, they feel secure and appropriate for the moment. They fit into our fine principles and ideals. Others are difficult, tasking, tight. Then there is that which is just easy. So, no one has one given form. People shift. That shift is called change. Its not like it was never there. It was always there. It just did not surface either because it wasn’t needed, or it wasn’t wanted, or it wasn’t encouraged enough.

Dear girl, there was no identity crisis on his part. He was only being one of the many things he could be. You saw an inkling of his best, and then an inkling of his worst. It could have gone either way at either time. The determining factors? Choice, and a strong dose of encouragement.

Morning Reflections...

I got this song yesterday, and I can't get myself to stop listening to it. Because it fits. It fits perfectly.

Sin and its ways grow old
All of my heart turns to stone
And I'm left with no strength to arise
I need to be lifted high.

Sin and its ways lead to pain
Left here with hurt and shame
So no longer will I leave Your side
Jesus You be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life Oh God
And I fall to my knees so its You that they see not I
Jesus You be lifted high.

And even now that I'm inside Your hands
Help me not to grow prideful again
Don't let me forsake sarcrifice
Jesus You be lifted high

And if I'm blessed with the riches of keys
How could I ever think that it was me
For You brought me from darkness to light
Jesus You be lifted high

You be lifted high...

Monday Morning Blues...

The weekend is over. And it was semi-wasted. Because I allowed someone else use their bad choices to spoil it for me. I let my guard down, and I was burnt. Burnt is a bit of an understatement.
I don't blame anyone. I take responsibility. Because I knocked on the door and presented myself happily, with a wide grin and a placard that said, 'Feel free to take me for a fool'.
Isn't this just the wrongest time...well, rubbish hardly ever occurs at the right time. Is there really a right time for rubbish?
I don't even know which hurt the most, the fact that it was from the most unexpected source, or the fact that I let it happen. I hoped so badly that I was wrong, that I was being ridiculous,and I would be reprimanded for even considering it. But it just goes to show that there's not much of a point putting anyone of any kind of mental pedestal. They'll just disappoint you to high heavens. There's a reason God said,that cursed is the man who puts his trust in man. Even if its on the simplest level, the result is just hurt. And hurt. And more hurt.

Well, that marks the end of that episode. Tis time to keep on keeping on. Those books won't read themselves.

Happy Birthday to the newest ray of sunshine that has brightened my life...I love you in a way the world will never understand, and I wish you all the beautiful things God has planned for you...

Ironu okan mi...

Started out with a head full of plans and a heart full of dreams.
Wisdom was the great goal, the biggest achievement, the principal thing.

The present position looks like nothing but foolishness.

Is this the final destination, or just a bend in the road?
An emotional reaction to a spiritual thing will never work.
No matter how it is panel-beaten, how it is adjusted and justified, it will fade.
Because emotion cannot anchor the spiritual. It is simply too weak. It can only
compliment, after the anchor is sure.

So when then shall I ditch this tirade of emotions? It has become old really.
Now I want results. Plain, simple, elegant results.

*sigh*... Emotions don't make me faithful to the end. They only laugh at me when I fall. For the umpteenth time.


So who exactly is running this joint? Me? Or my emotions?

Well, we are about to find out...

The End.

(This is probably the most abstract thing I have written yet...but to those who know me, it is probably not so abstract...it's random stuff that jumped into my head, when I realised that i actually may have gotten to the end of this road I had been struggling with for a while. And it feels so darn good!!! :) *now doing backflips in my head*...loool... *and now comporting myself*...oya read the thoughts in my head, put down on paper...)

Finally.


All I can do as I stand at the finish line is breathe. The air is so much cleaner on this side. I think about moving. Taking a step forward. But not yet. Right now all I want is to be still. To bask in the victory. I think I have that right. Not necessarily because I earned it. No. It was given to me. And as I hold on to it with my soul, all I can do is breathe.

The air is warm and clean. Unfamiliar. So very beautiful. it brings tears to my eyes, laughter to my lips. I'm not sure which to do first, so I do both. I'm at the finish line. I'm done. Nothing can take me back now. I'll rather die than go back.

I smile through my tears as I remember the final step. It was the weirdest thing. I would have been surprised if it was anything short of that. I live, breathe, speak weird. Its quite alright. Quite alright. But I love it. Every word spoken, every laugh, every thought. I love it. I'm glad I am not alone in my strange beauty. So very glad.
Is it time to move? Not yet. I savor the ambience of this moment. The End. And then the beginning. I cannot get enough. I can't believe it's me, here, now. I came out on the other side. Free. I love it!

Okay..before the world thinks I'm crazy, which they already do I'm sure...lets stop this crazy talk...they can't understand, not really...

Not yet though..first,a little dance to the Captain of my salvation...

Thank you so much Lord...I finally understand...Thank you...

June thoughts...

Its the month of June

Thank you Lord God, that I am still joined to all the living. So I still have hope. Afterall, a living dog is indeed better than a dead lion. Thank you merciful Lord.

Few things hurt like having to do something you loathe. But in the circumstance, you have no choice. Not in the moment anyway. So you keep doing it, as infrequently as possible, only out of sheer necessity. But you let it propel you to work hard. So that you can be free from that bondage of helplessness. One day,soon, you'll be free. One day, you'll look at him, smile and say, 'Its not necessary. Thanks anyway.'

Speaking of work. The month of June is here. Bar finals. I'm on the precipice of freaking out. Its dawning on me again. That feeling that comprises part-dread, part pity for yourself, part excitment. Pity because I know that sleep has gone from being a luxury to a necessity. It is time to do this. Properly. Cos after the month of June comes the beginning of the end.


Thank you so much Father. I don't know how you put up with me. I am getting sick and tired of me. So I have no idea how You do it. Something has to give. Kai...something has to give.

Good morning, wonderful Captain of my salvation.

Sleep calls...Busy day ahead.

One step closer to this dream of mine:2

Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, hot, cold, with its own disappointments...a really good day.

We went to Ibadan for a hearing at the appeal court. Myself, Lola, BAI and Doyin. For the fear of being late, I was too early at the pick-up point, but I was just happy I wasn't late. The biggest let-down was that we came all that way, with BAI preparing through the night, only for the Judges to postpone. It was the most insensitive thing. Wasn't like they were so booked for that day. As BAI said, they have no restraint, no consequence. Hence they can do whatever they want. Consequence is the only restraint on human conduct. But Nigeria has little or no sense of that. The Almighty God will judge.

But it wasn't all bad. We went to visit BAI's friend's farm. It was an awesome experience. And to think I was considering putting down my thoughts on my future farm dream, only for me to see one in real life! The land is massive, the work only just beginning. The air was so clean...pure and undiluted, without the fumes of city life. Myself and Lola were totally feeling it. Mr. Jackson took us on a tour. There would be 7 ponds, the orchard, the animal farm. They would rare cattle, grow all manner of things....I loved it! I absolutely loved it. By God's grace, I will be back there. I would love to see everything growing. One day, everything needed for food will be found on the farm. It would be unnecessary to buy anything. It was like a confirmation of this dream of mine. That was the highlight of yesterday for me.
I also got to see BAI's house when we dropped him at home. And quite a house it is! A true beauty. He has a lovely family, and I couldn't help praying that God would keep them together, whole, strong, happy and heaven-bound.

What is it about SCP that appeals to me? That makes the stress and the work worthwhile?
It could be because they are different....from another stock...and I can relate to being different.

One step closer to this dream...these dreams of mine.

Saying things as they are...

I am tall.

I've never really thought about it. I always knew I was tall, people would wonder at how tall I am. But I haven't actually thought of myself as tall...until recently. I told a friend I was about 6 ft tall. He was awed. I was pleased.
Now I'm gonna state things as they are. It may come off as blowing my own trumpet, but don't get it twisted. It really is just the way it is....lol...

I'm a tall black woman, the only one of my kind. I cause some to wonder, others to cower.
I'm beautiful, with a large forehead, lovely lips, liquid eyes.
Those eyes...they carry many expressions, many emotions.
Those lips...full of deep secrets...quite a puzzle...yes they are.
I have a marvellous frame....exquisitely crafted.
Broad toned shoulders, long arms, big brown legs. I have plains in the proper places, and magnificent curves to compliment them.

I forgot who I was, this wondrous creation of a phenomenal God. I met a vessel, and the only words she ever spoke to me were, 'Stand tall, be proud'.

I am a tall black woman, with deep rooted passions buried under the shroud of modesty. I am a woman of means, a woman of wit, a woman of candour. There is none like me, none that can be me. I am the show-case of divine power, a product of incomparable design.

I am me. black. strong. woman. me.

One step closer to this dream of mine...

Day 1, SCP

Mr Dapo is the first oga around, and our group leader is late.
Finally we are all in...all 11 of us, plus a prospective other to make us 12...double the amount they had to deal with last time...hehehe...
Mr Dapo comes for the introduction. And quite an introduction it is. We shall work ehn? I would squirm on a normal day, seeing that exam-related work still awaits me. But this is what I want. So how to make it work is the question.
Debola comes to show us the ropes. Deji comes to show us another angle of the ropes. Then we go to our office...at least the number of us that can fit into it.
Wait...our number might just be a good thing...two days off...two whole days!!! There is a God in heaven.
So knowing that closing time is at 6, its off to work with me. You hardly even know when its 6 o clock in this place...people don't ever seem to be ready to leave. But my Ma's incessant calls bring me back to reality..its getting late, and it looks like rain!
So I step out of the office, and the clouds are very angry...
Lord please hold the rain...but apparently Jehovah had other plans. The first drop hits me...oh dear..I haven't even gotten a bike yet. When I eventually get one at a ridiculous price, its raining now. Like proper rain. And my only protection is my pashmina. By golly, the rain feels like pins of ice pricking my skin.
*sigh*..one step closer to this dream of mine. Lord please I cannot fall sick on my first day. This is what I want, so its okay...sacrifice for the dream, all of that.
I finally get to the bus park, and I am pretty soaked. Then there's a queue...fantastic. Thankfully the rain has let up, and as I stand on the queue I dry off a tiny bit. But alas! My only source of warmth is now very cold. Into the a/c bus I go, and I only hope the Lord takes me home without a dreadful ailment. The bus is cooooold. Attempts to shut the vent were unsuccessful. A most uncomfortable ride, to say the least.
I finally get home at almost 10 o clock, and all I have energy for is warm clothes and my bed.
Great first day, wouldn't you say?

Day2
First day is over and done with. Today, Bimbo asked us to help with research. Somehow 'us' became just 'me', and I spent almost the whole day looking for authorities that seemed non existent! One time when I thought I was making progress, I realised it wasn't that much to work with. Nothing as frustrating as hitting a brick wall.
No worries though, when I settle in properly, these people will have my time.

Day 3
Another library day. Research isn't one of my favourite things, but at this rate it will be my love by force. When am I gonna see Prof. Yemi and Mr. Irukera? They have not been around since I got in. Plus I'm pretty behind on my file quota for the week. At this rate, I won't finish in time, with all these ancilliary duties that keep coming up. Finally, the two geniuses come in...no time to say hi though...they are pretty busy.

Hmm...apparently I won't have to wait till next week to make myself heard. Thanks to Bimbo, and Ikem, and my big mouth, I have a task....*deep breath*...this is it!

All in all, my first week was not bad. Sometimes its surreal...I can't believe I'm here! But thank God I am.
Now every moment must count. All the stress, the rain, the frustration, the work, everything brings me another step closer to this dream of mine...

Thank you Jesus...You are my hope of glory, and its You and me all the way.

Very impromptu, totally random...

I will not pretend like that didn't hurt. Because it did. I'm not superhuman. Not yet anyway. But its okay...really it is. As I type this, and I feel the hurt subside, I know it actually is okay.

I was getting carried away...again. Not exactly hoping against hope like before,I think I'm past that. More like meandering along the edges of self delusion. My best Friend caught it, and He said, 'focus'.

Things are not the same. That's like stating that air is invisible. I am not the same...that's definite. But most important, the things I want are different...yes... Very different.

My mind has moved from the reality of my unrealism, through the carnage of my broken dreams. It has embraced the dark and picked up what's left. My soul has gone through deep waters, overwhelming and destructive, experienced the sting of consequence. But I didn't drown, because of Him. My best friend, whom I smile at, dream about, deeply desire. My desire for Him grows deeper. He did not let me drown. He brought me through the destruction, the fetters I built with my own hands, and He let me feel the stillness of the air, the beauty of silence. That which I thought I had lost, He gave it back to me.

My inconsistency mocks me sometimes, it tears at me, pulling me down. But I can't give up...I won't give up. So much at stake, so much to live for. It would be a shame really, if I did not rise above the shackles that bound me. Why stay bound, when the fetters have been removed? There's a whole new scheme of things waiting for me, a brand new set of hurdles to cross. There is the power that is made available to me, the confidence that no man can give, or take away.

By way of deviation, the whole world seems to be blogging these days. Its okay I guess, an avenue for people to speak their minds and all. I'm not interested in having a public blog though. Let's just say this is my online diary, which a very select few are privy to. Sometimes I read what I put down and I get an outside view of my own inner thoughts..weird no doubt...

Until next time when something annoys me to no end, or a random idea crosses my mind...its farewell...

Criminal litigation beckons.

Double clicking on that 'P' button!

I have come to the rather saddening but not so shocking realisation that we don't have music in this country.

Okay..hold up..let me explain. I acknowledge that this is a rather general statement, and as to all generalisations, I'm sure there exists some exceptions lurking about here and there. However. I am dealing with the rather annoying generality of what we call music in Nigeria, and I am viciously hitting that P button!

It all began one morning, as I was on the bus on my way to work. Apparently there is now 'transit t.v', and it has constituted a nuisance to my peaceful mornings. So on this stunning new invention *i roll my eyes*, all they show is music. Nigerian music. So its either they chose songs to punish us at the crack of dawn, or the options are just very limited. Imagine listening to some ridiculous sex-laden song, devoid of common sense so early in the day! I was irritated beyond measure. So now I plug my ears with my own music most of the time.

This new transit t.v infringing on my freedom of silence opened my eyes to see what exactly we call music in this nation. Now do not get me wrong, I'm not coming from the angle of 'if its not gospel music, its bad music', (even though I'm sure the world would be a much better place if all songs glorified the King of kings). I'm saying that the songs we have these days are totally devoid of talent. There are few, very few exceptions, like the T.y Bellos and the Jodies of this world. But mostly, what we have are a bunch of people recycling the same old junk..its soo predictable. If he's not talking about sex, or money, or booze, she's talking about some old lover boy, or being heartbroken. Seriously people, surely this is not all we think about. It can't be! Because if it is, our generation is in trouble for sure. I know a number of young people, so I'm sure there are individuals who actually reflect on meaningful stuff.

Apart from the content of the songs, there's the type or is it the genre of music. All we have these days sounds like party music. Dance hall. Many many beats, lots of whining and grinding. Why in the world will I want to listen to such noise at 6.30 in the morning? I don't want to! And I doubt a lot of sane people want to. Its like the target of our musicians is to have their songs rocking on the dance floor, or in some hotel room. What happened to nice soothing music that does not involve any booty shaking?

I don't have that much exposure to secular music, but I'm far from ignorant. So a few examples come to mind. John Mayer. Micheal Bubble. Jill Scott. Bruno Mars. These guys could be singing about a love interest, or about something really silly. But they make it so beautiful. They are CREATIVE about it. Theirs is the kind of music that I could listen to on 'by-force t.v'. Because I would not cringe at its lewdity. We need to realise that you don't have to put naked girls on your video to make it pop. 'Nakedity' is all over the place, it don't pop no more. Its old and boring. I'm sure there are some members of the men-folk which may still enjoy it, but hopefully, we also have some intellectual, brilliantly sensible and non-myopic men. Hopefully.

The bottom line of this rant. If transit t.v, and the social media in general, will make it almost unavoidable that I listen to secular music, then by all means, we can have sensible, non-offensive music, at the very least. Let's engage the creative sides of our brain. Let's do something that will leave a mark. Let's try not to get good citizens (like yours truely) pissed off so early in the morning!!! Leave the Dance Hall music where it belongs...in the dance halls.

..i have no idea...

I'm a tired, sleep- deprived, overworked young woman who has come to a rather simple conclusion.

Disobedience has terrible consequences.

No, terrible does not adequately describe it. More like devastating? Mind-shattering? Catastrophic? Take your pick.

All my experience over the past three years...all has led up to this moment. You know that moment of clarity everyone talks about, where the truth stares you in the face and you have absolutely nowhere to hide. That's precisely where I am.

Only problem is, I do not have a clue as to what to do about it.

Its almost amusing, how it can take so long to make a point, or rather, to understand a point. But I finally get it. Its not dem-say, or whatever. My whole being finalyy gets the point. I disobeyed. And now, I am reaping the consequences. Very unpleasant consequences.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this one. Not a clue. Maybe I'll document my lessons. I don't know.

It took me this long to realise it. When God says you should do something, Its not because He likes to talk. Its because He knows what will happen to you if you don't do it. It isn't Him that will suffer. Noooo....all the appertunances of the experience will land squarely at your feet.

Dayum...now I'm just speechless...

Ah well, it would appear that I have overcome my initial fear of pain. Now I have come to accept that pain is a part of life. On this side of the divide, there is no escaping it. Which makes heaven so much more inviting. Perhaps I should concentrate on leaving those things that don't want me to get there.

Ah...finally...finally, I get it.

*sigh*

Yesterday my friend's mum passed on. Words cannot adequately describe how horrified I was,or how sad I still am.
Her mum had been ill for a while, acute malaria. Dotbabe was so worried, but we all just thought it was malaria, and she just really needed rest. When we heard she had been moved to luth, that should have rung a serious bell.

I happened to find out before she did, and when I saw her, I had to pretend, compel her to eat, see my friend close to 'normal' for the last time.

It still feels like such a bad dream. A part of my mind does not still understand how she could be gone. How can Dotbabe not have her mum anymore? Her Ma that she was so close to, who used to give her stress sometimes, or send her yms that she loved her. How can she not be around anymore.

I won't pretend like I know what she is feeling, because I don't. I cannot imagine it. I try to imagine life without my Ma and it hurts to even think about it. Now my friend has to live it.

I wish there was something I could do to take away all her pain. I wish I could have done something more. I wonder sometimes if I am not being utterly selfish, chasing mediocre things and nursing irrelevant thoughts, when I could be making myself more useful to the world.

At the end of the day, I realise that in this world, we have no rights. We have no entitlements. Anyone who thinks they have a right to live and do whatever they want with their lives, such a person is the biggest fool. Because in this world, everything we have is a gift. Everything. From the air we breathe, to the lungs that take in the air. From the appetite for food to the love of a good mother. Everything is a gift, and we cannot question the Giver when He says it is time for it to be taken away.

My heart aches for the pain that my friend is going through. I ache even more that I cannot do anything about it,other than to beseech God on their behalf.

I have had enough bad news and sorrow to last a lifetime. No more dear Lord. Please, no more.

2011: Food,Food,Food!!!

So, I'm wondering what my first blog in 2011 should be about.
Food.
I like to eat. These days though, eating has been rather erratic. I think sometimes I eat too much, then other times I don't eat enough. But I have my Ma's genes, so when I have had too much, the food in my body directs itself to the right place. No excess flabs or nothing. All I need to see myself and smile.

Anyways, that's for the physical food I let myself eat. There's mind food as well. That kind of food which no one really pays attention to. But then again, the world hardly pays attention to what's relevant.

I've spiced up my diet a bit. My mind food has been reorganised, and I can tell because it reflects in my body. I mean when I eat properly in the morning, I actually think better, feel better. When I don't, I feel starved, out of place.

There's so much to do this year, so little time. So much to achieve, many hurdles to cross. Its exciting, and a little scary when I realise that I don't know much of what I need to know. I mean a few days ago I was staring at the past questions and thinking... Seriously? I almost didn't know jack. But this is law school mehn. 1 shot. Hit or Miss. And for me, it's gonna be a slam-dunk, or nothing at all.

So I'm trying to eat better. Because there's nothing worse that crap mind food. Its the worst thing. I can feel the difference anytime I fall back, and I can't believe I used to wallow in that stuff. Now I'm working hard to stay out.

The Bible is, unarguably, the best book in the world. The only person that would argue is the person that has not experienced it. I mean it has some really deep stuff...The book of proverbs is sooo on point. To think I've had it all this time and I've been dulling.

My goal this year is simple really. Wisdom. Knowledge. Understanding. It don't get no simpler than that.

MissOluwaboba is back. And its slam-dunks all the way...

Here's to good food...Let's eat to life!