2010
My initial reaction would have been,not a good year.
But then I pause and think. Really? Was it really a bad year? Because it seems to be the year God showed up for me the most.
God helped me. Through perhaps the most turbulent periods of my young life. The fact that I am still here, standing, alive, well, means that something went right this year. Because you can't really know salvation until you are at the point of total helplessness. I think back to the days when I was just...sad. I did not know how I would get through the day. I would lock my room door and just cry. Tears in the morning, at the middle of the night, in the afternoon. And I know now that God really did save me.
Somehow or the other, He put me together enough to study and finish well. Only He could have done that really, because all the signs pointed towards my inability.
I appreciate anew the fact that before you can really enjoy the good, you must have tasted the bad. Me, I wallowed in it for a while. But even when I could not see Him,or feel Him, or when I could not talk to Him, He was always there.
In 2010, God covered my shame. Many times when I was doing stupid things that would have ruined my name or destroyed me, He covered me. He did not allow the world to see my struggles, my falls. Times when my stupidity was too obvious, He still covered me. He gave me multiple chances. So many that I lost count. He showed me what He meant by His mercies being new every morning. To me, the least deserving of men.
He answered my prayers. This could not have been because of my good works, because I had no good works really. I seemed to botch that one everytime. It could not have been that. He is just like that you see. He'll be your friend when you're not His, and He'll be there till the very end.
And so in 2011 I have no resolutions. No grand plan to do this or not do that. Nope. I have one goal and one goal only. To simply live. Jesus said, that He has come, so we might have life, and have it more abundantly. Well, that abundant life is what I seek. I just want to live. And I will. God helping me, I will.
I cannot thank You enough, but I will do the best I can.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Randomish...
I'm rather disgusted with myself at the moment. I think the worse kind of offences are the ones which u know are wrong, and u have no justification for them, but you do them anyway. So now I'm wondering, why? Why not just..well, not do it? Why do we make wrong choices knowing fully well that the consequences will be bad? Do I chuck it up to carelessness, stupidity, or just the recalcitrant human nature? I don't know. I wonder how God does it. We mess up terribly, but somehow He is still interested in forgiveness. Don't mean there won't be consequences though, and that is what I'm kinda worried about.
Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.
I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.
Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.
I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.
Dear Future Husband...
Hello you...
Chances are that we've met. Or maybe we havent, and we will later. But either ways, I take it that we are both getting ourselves together now, so that when it's time, we'll be at a good place, and we'll relate properly, with no encumberances.
I don't know what you'll call me. I'm sure you'll come up with something nice, or maybe it'll be special just by the way you say my name. Anyhow, it's fine by me.
Right now, I'm trying to put my life in proper order, to be a master in my art. I'm trying to be the best God wants me to be, so that i will be strong for both of us when the time comes. I trust that you are doing the same.
But I can tell you certain things for sure. Because I have chosen you, God helping me, I will always have your back. No matter what. By God's special grace, you and I are gonna be together for a very long time. So It wont matter what life throws at us. You ll always have me. Like the song says, whether its 1 naira, or 1 million, or 1 billion(which is where we'll be!), baby, you've got me. You are the only one I'll see, and I'll stay with you if you'll stay with me. So ours is gonna be a forever. When you feel like there's so much stress at work, you'll hurry home as fast as you can, because your baby will be waiting for you, to listen and help you feel better. I'll be there to give you tough advice, to tell you the truth. I'll help you be the person you want to be, the person I know you can be. When I say something that hurts you, you'll be able to tell me, or when I'm taking things too seriously, you'll lovingly tell me to calm down. We won't be perfect, but our love will reflect in everything we do. You ll respect me and my opinions, and I will respect yours.
You and I will help each other to reach heights of passion and satisfaction. My body will be yours, and yours mine. We won't be a boring couple, that I can assure you. We'll keep things fresh and hot, because you'll need me, and I'll need you.
I'll be your best buddy. Yes, you'll have friends, and i'll know all of them and probably like them. They'll know me as your madam, and my friends will know you are my oga. But everyone will be able to see that ours is not a relationship of servitude. We'll get each other, and give room for the other to grow. With a look, or the tone ofyour voice, I'll know that you don't like something, or something is wrong.
I know we'll come across other hot girls, or fine guys. But while we will acknowledge God's beauty, they will only remind us of how we have something better at home.
You ll be my soul mate. My leader, My head. You'll be my best friend, my lover, my teacher. You ll pray for me, as I will pray for you. Your secrets, and your heart will be safe with me, because I will try my best to guard them with all I have. You and I will serve God together, and we'll help each other attain maximum potential.
When kids come along, we'll love them wholeheartedly. They will never be afraid to speak, share their fears or their concerns. We will teach them to love God, to work hard, to dream great things. We will allow them to cry, to make mistakes, to grow. You and I will raise godly children.
And when we are old and grey, we will sit on the couch, still holding hands, still laughing at each other's jokes. We will still tell each other 'i love you' at the beginning, middle and end of each day. We will still write letters to each other on valentines day. I'll still listen to your heartbeat as we fall asleep, limbs intertwined.
You and I will weather the storms together, because God will be on our side, and our love will grow and flourish. I will be your treasure and your pride, as you will be mine.
Dear future husband, loving you is my privilege, my pleasure, my pride.
Chances are that we've met. Or maybe we havent, and we will later. But either ways, I take it that we are both getting ourselves together now, so that when it's time, we'll be at a good place, and we'll relate properly, with no encumberances.
I don't know what you'll call me. I'm sure you'll come up with something nice, or maybe it'll be special just by the way you say my name. Anyhow, it's fine by me.
Right now, I'm trying to put my life in proper order, to be a master in my art. I'm trying to be the best God wants me to be, so that i will be strong for both of us when the time comes. I trust that you are doing the same.
But I can tell you certain things for sure. Because I have chosen you, God helping me, I will always have your back. No matter what. By God's special grace, you and I are gonna be together for a very long time. So It wont matter what life throws at us. You ll always have me. Like the song says, whether its 1 naira, or 1 million, or 1 billion(which is where we'll be!), baby, you've got me. You are the only one I'll see, and I'll stay with you if you'll stay with me. So ours is gonna be a forever. When you feel like there's so much stress at work, you'll hurry home as fast as you can, because your baby will be waiting for you, to listen and help you feel better. I'll be there to give you tough advice, to tell you the truth. I'll help you be the person you want to be, the person I know you can be. When I say something that hurts you, you'll be able to tell me, or when I'm taking things too seriously, you'll lovingly tell me to calm down. We won't be perfect, but our love will reflect in everything we do. You ll respect me and my opinions, and I will respect yours.
You and I will help each other to reach heights of passion and satisfaction. My body will be yours, and yours mine. We won't be a boring couple, that I can assure you. We'll keep things fresh and hot, because you'll need me, and I'll need you.
I'll be your best buddy. Yes, you'll have friends, and i'll know all of them and probably like them. They'll know me as your madam, and my friends will know you are my oga. But everyone will be able to see that ours is not a relationship of servitude. We'll get each other, and give room for the other to grow. With a look, or the tone ofyour voice, I'll know that you don't like something, or something is wrong.
I know we'll come across other hot girls, or fine guys. But while we will acknowledge God's beauty, they will only remind us of how we have something better at home.
You ll be my soul mate. My leader, My head. You'll be my best friend, my lover, my teacher. You ll pray for me, as I will pray for you. Your secrets, and your heart will be safe with me, because I will try my best to guard them with all I have. You and I will serve God together, and we'll help each other attain maximum potential.
When kids come along, we'll love them wholeheartedly. They will never be afraid to speak, share their fears or their concerns. We will teach them to love God, to work hard, to dream great things. We will allow them to cry, to make mistakes, to grow. You and I will raise godly children.
And when we are old and grey, we will sit on the couch, still holding hands, still laughing at each other's jokes. We will still tell each other 'i love you' at the beginning, middle and end of each day. We will still write letters to each other on valentines day. I'll still listen to your heartbeat as we fall asleep, limbs intertwined.
You and I will weather the storms together, because God will be on our side, and our love will grow and flourish. I will be your treasure and your pride, as you will be mine.
Dear future husband, loving you is my privilege, my pleasure, my pride.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Goodbye 21
Dear 21,
We have been together, u and I, for 365 days. When we started out, I had absolutely no clue of what was ahead. But now I have seen. You have come, and now it is time to go.
21,I experienced in you great joys. I made a true friend. Perhaps he is one of the best things that happened to me this year. The kind of friend that would stick by me through anything, make me laugh alot. He cherished times we spent together too much, and he placed me on a pedestal, which although was quite high, it still gave allowances for my weaknesses. Yes, I will remember you, 21, for that, because he is my friend, a breath of fresh air on a gloomy day.
In you 21, God answered my prayers. He heard the cry of this imperfect girl, and He paid attention to me. I finished from the University with a grade that I was awfully close to losing. I'm in law school in a campus I had already lost. But God...He was especially good to me.
I started discovering the path that my life may be taking. In you 21, i began to see plans forming in my head, goals emerging.
In you 21, i had love. The kind that some people never find in their lifetime. I found the kind of love that made me want to give my all, to put the welfare of another before mine. The kind of love that delights the body, amazes the mind, joins souls. The kind that words are inadequate to fully express.
In you 21, i found a training ground. A training that seemed more like suffering than anything else. I felt pain. That kind of pain that cannot really be explained, that others cannot fully understand. I felt sorrow that lasted, left me without sleep or appetite, with little zest for life. The kind that kept my head bowed low as I walked down the street, or made the sound of traffic more appealing than the sound of my own thoughts.
21. You showed me different sides of myself. You exposed my weakness, my humanity, my need. You wounded me, bruised me, tore me apart,and somehow, refused to let me go.
21, I cannot say that I am sad at your departure. It would seem that in quantity, the pain in you outweighed the joys. But in quality, you left me with scars and a million things to be grateful for.
Now, I have paid my dues. I have paid in sorrow, in tears, in sadness. I have struggled, fought, fallen, risen. I have paid my dues, and now it's time for me to move ahead.
21. I know I will never forget you. But I am glad we are to part ways. Thank you for the lessons, thank you. My once in a lifetime companion, I applaud you as you gracefully bow out.
Goodbye, 21.
We have been together, u and I, for 365 days. When we started out, I had absolutely no clue of what was ahead. But now I have seen. You have come, and now it is time to go.
21,I experienced in you great joys. I made a true friend. Perhaps he is one of the best things that happened to me this year. The kind of friend that would stick by me through anything, make me laugh alot. He cherished times we spent together too much, and he placed me on a pedestal, which although was quite high, it still gave allowances for my weaknesses. Yes, I will remember you, 21, for that, because he is my friend, a breath of fresh air on a gloomy day.
In you 21, God answered my prayers. He heard the cry of this imperfect girl, and He paid attention to me. I finished from the University with a grade that I was awfully close to losing. I'm in law school in a campus I had already lost. But God...He was especially good to me.
I started discovering the path that my life may be taking. In you 21, i began to see plans forming in my head, goals emerging.
In you 21, i had love. The kind that some people never find in their lifetime. I found the kind of love that made me want to give my all, to put the welfare of another before mine. The kind of love that delights the body, amazes the mind, joins souls. The kind that words are inadequate to fully express.
In you 21, i found a training ground. A training that seemed more like suffering than anything else. I felt pain. That kind of pain that cannot really be explained, that others cannot fully understand. I felt sorrow that lasted, left me without sleep or appetite, with little zest for life. The kind that kept my head bowed low as I walked down the street, or made the sound of traffic more appealing than the sound of my own thoughts.
21. You showed me different sides of myself. You exposed my weakness, my humanity, my need. You wounded me, bruised me, tore me apart,and somehow, refused to let me go.
21, I cannot say that I am sad at your departure. It would seem that in quantity, the pain in you outweighed the joys. But in quality, you left me with scars and a million things to be grateful for.
Now, I have paid my dues. I have paid in sorrow, in tears, in sadness. I have struggled, fought, fallen, risen. I have paid my dues, and now it's time for me to move ahead.
21. I know I will never forget you. But I am glad we are to part ways. Thank you for the lessons, thank you. My once in a lifetime companion, I applaud you as you gracefully bow out.
Goodbye, 21.
Christmas Day musing, and all that...
By golly, there is nothing that irritates me more than 'odeishious' songs. Classic example, the rather talently deficient Kas. I mean he probably has other talents, but music aint one of them. He was just lucky to have struck a catchy phrase, and a nice beat. It would however appear that he's stuck there. Because every other song on the album has almost the same beat. So if I'm not mixing up facts, he is behind the song, 'whine for me'. Stupid song says whine for me girl I've got money. So bloody what? Did I say i did not have money of my own? Who wants your smelly money? If your only consideration for asking me to whine is cos you've got money, then you can shove it. Like do I look like a prostitute? Anyway, I blame him not. It's the girls that have been answering him and giving the rest of us a bad name. Plus the ones that are screwing all things screwable in exchange for BBs and other petty favors. It don't get any more pathetic than that. Girls, and guys, really do need to realise just how much they are worth. As you may have gathered, I find that song awfully insulting.
But that's not why I'm writing joh. Its the song playing outside my window that irritated me, and I decided to rant a bit. Back on course...
I spent Christmas day generally just lounging. After I worked so hard that my body was twitching with fatigue yesterday, I decided that I cannot come and go and die. So I've been going through the tons of movies my bro has on his hard drive. I came across this English/Japanese movie that was totally hilarious! It's all cheesy and stuff, but I love it! And I'm about to tell you why...
First off, the main guy in the movie is such a hottie!!! I mean I have never been so enthusiastic about a fine boy like this...Dayum! This guy is a specimen of male goodness, a hunker-hunker-bunning-yum! Gosh, I am sincerely blown away...and I don't get that easily blown away. So this was already good motivation to watch the movie. And the story line was really sweet. Nothing outta the ordinary really, your somewhat predictable love story, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe because it reminded me of the books I used to read a while ago, when love was simple and sincere. Now I can gush over this fellow because its a movie, and its majorly fictional and all. It dont mean that if I saw such a fine fellow in real life, i would be so enthusiastic. Because reality is reality, and while I try to give all people a minimum benefit of doubt, I'm not too optimistic, nor am I interested tangled involvements or any such thing.
So this overly cheesy mush of a movie made my christmas, because it was so sweet. And it kind of encouraged me to just keep it real. I wanna be able to live with my imperfections, embrace them, work on getting better, but maintain my own identity. So far, I have been through about three movies, will like to see inception though, but I'm also contemplating baking a cake...
Merry Christmas....and thanks be to God for sending Jesus.
But that's not why I'm writing joh. Its the song playing outside my window that irritated me, and I decided to rant a bit. Back on course...
I spent Christmas day generally just lounging. After I worked so hard that my body was twitching with fatigue yesterday, I decided that I cannot come and go and die. So I've been going through the tons of movies my bro has on his hard drive. I came across this English/Japanese movie that was totally hilarious! It's all cheesy and stuff, but I love it! And I'm about to tell you why...
First off, the main guy in the movie is such a hottie!!! I mean I have never been so enthusiastic about a fine boy like this...Dayum! This guy is a specimen of male goodness, a hunker-hunker-bunning-yum! Gosh, I am sincerely blown away...and I don't get that easily blown away. So this was already good motivation to watch the movie. And the story line was really sweet. Nothing outta the ordinary really, your somewhat predictable love story, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe because it reminded me of the books I used to read a while ago, when love was simple and sincere. Now I can gush over this fellow because its a movie, and its majorly fictional and all. It dont mean that if I saw such a fine fellow in real life, i would be so enthusiastic. Because reality is reality, and while I try to give all people a minimum benefit of doubt, I'm not too optimistic, nor am I interested tangled involvements or any such thing.
So this overly cheesy mush of a movie made my christmas, because it was so sweet. And it kind of encouraged me to just keep it real. I wanna be able to live with my imperfections, embrace them, work on getting better, but maintain my own identity. So far, I have been through about three movies, will like to see inception though, but I'm also contemplating baking a cake...
Merry Christmas....and thanks be to God for sending Jesus.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Help!
Its past two in the morning. I had a busy yesterday, and I'll be having an equally busy today. Pls why am I not sleeping? You go fear jamb question. One of the reasons might be me overstepping my boundaries yesterday at kfc with zibusiso..kai..
On to brighter things...Today is my cousin's birthday! To think I did not know we were cousins until about this time last year, and she's just 3 days older than me! Very cool... Me n my lil sis will go chill with her later, hope that ll be fun.
Yesterday was not very funny o..I was feeling adventurous and I tried out a new design on my cakes... But to my utmost horror, my customer did not like it! I was not at all amused, after all my hard work. Oh well, I have no one else to blame but myself, so once beaten, several times shy.
I have found that in my time at the law school, I will be acquiring and honing certain skills. These are not the things you get taught in class. These are much more important, and me being the person that I am, I have a lot to learn.
I wonder what this Christmas will be like. My bro's home, but I miss my big sis/partner in sleeplessnes-cos-of-cake. I want to go to my cousin's church on my birthday, but my Ma is being...well,my Ma. Let's see how that goes sha.Gosh, I'm getting old...
And I know I'm going to pay dearly for being up at this hour! Alright then, bedtime...
On to brighter things...Today is my cousin's birthday! To think I did not know we were cousins until about this time last year, and she's just 3 days older than me! Very cool... Me n my lil sis will go chill with her later, hope that ll be fun.
Yesterday was not very funny o..I was feeling adventurous and I tried out a new design on my cakes... But to my utmost horror, my customer did not like it! I was not at all amused, after all my hard work. Oh well, I have no one else to blame but myself, so once beaten, several times shy.
I have found that in my time at the law school, I will be acquiring and honing certain skills. These are not the things you get taught in class. These are much more important, and me being the person that I am, I have a lot to learn.
I wonder what this Christmas will be like. My bro's home, but I miss my big sis/partner in sleeplessnes-cos-of-cake. I want to go to my cousin's church on my birthday, but my Ma is being...well,my Ma. Let's see how that goes sha.Gosh, I'm getting old...
And I know I'm going to pay dearly for being up at this hour! Alright then, bedtime...
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Blogging.
I need sleep. My head and stomach feel funny.My eyes feel twitchy.
I have been using the blacberry keypad way too long. I feel like an illeterate as I use my laptop. This is a bad thing.
I am glad that Jesus came and died for me. I am glad that with all my srrew-ups, He still has my time.
Whatever a man sows, he, and his children, and their children, will reap it. Its such a scary thought. What am I storing up for my children to reap?
I am putting a face to a deep desire tomorrow. I dont know what I am going to say, or how it will turn out. I need to stop thinking abut it so much.
I am employing all my faith and every promise of God that I know, to pray that Sharon is found, It hurts me deeply that she is not with her family at the moment. so deeply, you would think she was my family. Lord, please have mercy...
I have been learning new skills. Like how to store up information, and how to 'chest' pain.
I have been using the blacberry keypad way too long. I feel like an illeterate as I use my laptop. This is a bad thing.
I am glad that Jesus came and died for me. I am glad that with all my srrew-ups, He still has my time.
Whatever a man sows, he, and his children, and their children, will reap it. Its such a scary thought. What am I storing up for my children to reap?
I am putting a face to a deep desire tomorrow. I dont know what I am going to say, or how it will turn out. I need to stop thinking abut it so much.
I am employing all my faith and every promise of God that I know, to pray that Sharon is found, It hurts me deeply that she is not with her family at the moment. so deeply, you would think she was my family. Lord, please have mercy...
I have been learning new skills. Like how to store up information, and how to 'chest' pain.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Last day of school thoughts...
Hi. My name is Kemi. I'm a 21 year old Yoruba girl, will be 22 in nine days. Tall, not too shabby looking. I come from a nice family. I have a great mother. Here's my little story.
You see, I don't think of myself as extremely spectacular. I'm just a girl who has lived a good life by general standards. I ll attribute this largely to choices that some people made in their lifetime. But basically, God has been good to me.
I may not be overly extraordunary,but I'm not so ordinary either. Because of this, I have had my share of experiences, most of which have culminated into my present state of mind.
I have made some funny choices in my life. Choices that have hurt me sore, left me feeling unwanted, left me doubting my own self worth. No one should ever have to doubt their own worth, not for such a long time. No one should have to feel like they are not pretty enough,special enough or deserving enough. I guess sometimes its what life throws at us, but sometimes, its just not right.
So as I find myself in the above stated situations, wondering If I am not special enough to be fought for, to the point of actually considering leaving this earth and ending my pain, I begin to reflect on my life, the person that I am.
Finally, I realise that I am tired. I am so worn out. I actually feel like there is no strength left for me to try, to hold on. Everytime hope tries to creep into my heart, it brings in its wake a truck load of sorrow. I now wonder to myself, is this what love is about? Am I supposed to love a person till its the death of me? Am I not worth fighting for?
I have had two experiences of intense pain, one much deeper than the other. The first time, I felt seriously stupid for putting myself in such a shitty position. Like it had to have been the dumbest thing ever. At the end, it took a lot of time and distraction to get my head together. The second time was pain on a whole new level.
In conclusion? I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of begging people to love me. Tired of hoping that someone thinks I'm worth the fight, that I'm worth waiting for. I'm tired of feeling like a shameless fool who is begging for love. I'm tired of making all the effort, and getting little or nothing in return.
I'm a girl aren't I? I have a beautiful body, a heart with too much love, a brain that works. I am a hard worker, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Its time for a man who will appreciate me, to man-up and fight for me. Its high time a real man who knows my worth to step up. I'm just so tired of trying, and hoping, and getting disappointed. If you love me, fight for me.Show me I'm worth it. Because I am. I am worth it.
You see, I don't think of myself as extremely spectacular. I'm just a girl who has lived a good life by general standards. I ll attribute this largely to choices that some people made in their lifetime. But basically, God has been good to me.
I may not be overly extraordunary,but I'm not so ordinary either. Because of this, I have had my share of experiences, most of which have culminated into my present state of mind.
I have made some funny choices in my life. Choices that have hurt me sore, left me feeling unwanted, left me doubting my own self worth. No one should ever have to doubt their own worth, not for such a long time. No one should have to feel like they are not pretty enough,special enough or deserving enough. I guess sometimes its what life throws at us, but sometimes, its just not right.
So as I find myself in the above stated situations, wondering If I am not special enough to be fought for, to the point of actually considering leaving this earth and ending my pain, I begin to reflect on my life, the person that I am.
Finally, I realise that I am tired. I am so worn out. I actually feel like there is no strength left for me to try, to hold on. Everytime hope tries to creep into my heart, it brings in its wake a truck load of sorrow. I now wonder to myself, is this what love is about? Am I supposed to love a person till its the death of me? Am I not worth fighting for?
I have had two experiences of intense pain, one much deeper than the other. The first time, I felt seriously stupid for putting myself in such a shitty position. Like it had to have been the dumbest thing ever. At the end, it took a lot of time and distraction to get my head together. The second time was pain on a whole new level.
In conclusion? I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of begging people to love me. Tired of hoping that someone thinks I'm worth the fight, that I'm worth waiting for. I'm tired of feeling like a shameless fool who is begging for love. I'm tired of making all the effort, and getting little or nothing in return.
I'm a girl aren't I? I have a beautiful body, a heart with too much love, a brain that works. I am a hard worker, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Its time for a man who will appreciate me, to man-up and fight for me. Its high time a real man who knows my worth to step up. I'm just so tired of trying, and hoping, and getting disappointed. If you love me, fight for me.Show me I'm worth it. Because I am. I am worth it.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
*Sigh*...
Have I mentioned how much I do not want to be in Lagos right now? Today just showed why...
December 15. 9:42pm
I'm safe and sound! Thank God...in a bed, all covered up and warm. I carried my big head to go visit a friend, and to say it did not go as I planned is a humongous understatement. Not like I had a plan plan, but It was supposed to be pleasant at the very least. But nooo... Nothing pleasant about it.
I don't feel so good at the moment. Congestion, sore throat, head hurts,broke? Quite a cocktail of issues. So when I allowed myself to be convinced to go out with him, I did not expect that his car battery would go flat on ikorodu road, far away from my school/temporary home. I was a good sport, pushing the car and helping out. It wouldn't have been so bad if he did not piss me off at the end, which was the point where I began to regret the evening's choices. Thank God the battery didn't give way at the middle of 3rd mainland bridge...
I was pretty worried about going back to the island by myself. So worried was I that I even considered the most uncomfortable of options. Of course it was panic talking, and I realised that trekking to some other place for shelter would probably have felt better than the mortification that this option would have brought me. Thank the Lord for His timely mercies and alternatives.
In all, I'm thankful to have a bed to sleep on, and it would be a while before I agree to such trips again.
December 15. 9:42pm
I'm safe and sound! Thank God...in a bed, all covered up and warm. I carried my big head to go visit a friend, and to say it did not go as I planned is a humongous understatement. Not like I had a plan plan, but It was supposed to be pleasant at the very least. But nooo... Nothing pleasant about it.
I don't feel so good at the moment. Congestion, sore throat, head hurts,broke? Quite a cocktail of issues. So when I allowed myself to be convinced to go out with him, I did not expect that his car battery would go flat on ikorodu road, far away from my school/temporary home. I was a good sport, pushing the car and helping out. It wouldn't have been so bad if he did not piss me off at the end, which was the point where I began to regret the evening's choices. Thank God the battery didn't give way at the middle of 3rd mainland bridge...
I was pretty worried about going back to the island by myself. So worried was I that I even considered the most uncomfortable of options. Of course it was panic talking, and I realised that trekking to some other place for shelter would probably have felt better than the mortification that this option would have brought me. Thank the Lord for His timely mercies and alternatives.
In all, I'm thankful to have a bed to sleep on, and it would be a while before I agree to such trips again.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Intimacy...
Its interesting how a thought leads to a thought that leads to another thought. I remember the most intimate times I have experienced so far... I ll tell you...
The time we slept, or at least tried to sleep. The fact that we can wear the same night clothes, the navy polo you gave me. We were so comfortable with each other, you and I.
The little hand ritual. That inconsequential activity with so much potency. We would weave a magical path through each other's hands, like we were sharing that deep connection. Every time our hands touch...a little slice of heaven.
When you looked at me. I remember that day, when you stared at me in the crowd, like I was the only one you could see, that you wanted to see. And every other time when you would look at me, with anger, or frustration, with wonder, or with love, I knew...I knew.
Everytime we spoke. Oh how I loved to hear you speak. Your voice was so...beautiful. It made me feel like such a queen. You would tease me about my large forehead, or tell me something that bothered your mind. You would rouse me from sleep to go and study, you would make me laugh as you tried to tell a story. That voice...even in the longest nights, the voice at the other end made it bearable.
All our writings...the texts...sooo many texts, words that I could read and imagine you speaking them. They conveyed so much of your heart to me. Those letters that I made you write, that soon became a part of us, even though sometimes you would forget to write them in time. Everything we wrote or sent to each other, was like history being penned down, every single correspondence, precious and dear.
The music. Not just any music, but certain pieces that you selected, that just seemed to fit. Times when we were together, when I was being overly practical, and you were just enjoying the music. Songs that conveyed what we felt, what we were to each other. Songs that I would only listen to when I was around you.
I fear, that if I don't write these down, if I don't express that which occupies my mind, I would not be able to function right.
The time we slept, or at least tried to sleep. The fact that we can wear the same night clothes, the navy polo you gave me. We were so comfortable with each other, you and I.
The little hand ritual. That inconsequential activity with so much potency. We would weave a magical path through each other's hands, like we were sharing that deep connection. Every time our hands touch...a little slice of heaven.
When you looked at me. I remember that day, when you stared at me in the crowd, like I was the only one you could see, that you wanted to see. And every other time when you would look at me, with anger, or frustration, with wonder, or with love, I knew...I knew.
Everytime we spoke. Oh how I loved to hear you speak. Your voice was so...beautiful. It made me feel like such a queen. You would tease me about my large forehead, or tell me something that bothered your mind. You would rouse me from sleep to go and study, you would make me laugh as you tried to tell a story. That voice...even in the longest nights, the voice at the other end made it bearable.
All our writings...the texts...sooo many texts, words that I could read and imagine you speaking them. They conveyed so much of your heart to me. Those letters that I made you write, that soon became a part of us, even though sometimes you would forget to write them in time. Everything we wrote or sent to each other, was like history being penned down, every single correspondence, precious and dear.
The music. Not just any music, but certain pieces that you selected, that just seemed to fit. Times when we were together, when I was being overly practical, and you were just enjoying the music. Songs that conveyed what we felt, what we were to each other. Songs that I would only listen to when I was around you.
I fear, that if I don't write these down, if I don't express that which occupies my mind, I would not be able to function right.
Affidavit
December 14, 8:46pm
No, this blog has nothing to do with the title. But that's the word I have been hearing all day, and its pronounced affideyvit, not affidahfit..so there...
If there is one place which I do not want to be in, right now, it is the Nigerian Law School, Lagos Campus, Victoria Island. I want to be at the Redemption Camp! Holy Ghost Congress...*sigh*...the sights, sounds, everything would have been so pleasantly distracting from my life at the moment...*sigh again*... Ah well, I can console myself that If Jesus tarries, and by His grace, I ll be out of law school, and quite free to attend by next year.
I am in a state of mind which I cannot really explain. I'm not happy, or sad, definately not chirpy. I prefer to be on my own, easily irritated by too much talk. I miss the weekends when I was all alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm getting more sensible. No more do I take it too personal, the fact that my opinion may not mean all that much to some people. I mean hey, to everyone his life and his choices. All that self-deluding crap that I was deceiving myself with, that Oh I have some 'special power' of conviction and appeal and some sort of influence existed only in my pain-saturated mind,cos the truth of the matter is, people don't get convinced, unless they want to be convinced. And of course unless the Holy Spirit convicts them. So wetin consain me consain monkey wey wan jump for river?
Anywayz, I want Chinese rice o! But I can't afford it. I'm as broke as broke itself. Thankfully I have some business coming in this holiday, so I should be okay by the end of Christmas. In the meantime...the monthly visitor announces her arrival...And I am hungry!
No, this blog has nothing to do with the title. But that's the word I have been hearing all day, and its pronounced affideyvit, not affidahfit..so there...
If there is one place which I do not want to be in, right now, it is the Nigerian Law School, Lagos Campus, Victoria Island. I want to be at the Redemption Camp! Holy Ghost Congress...*sigh*...the sights, sounds, everything would have been so pleasantly distracting from my life at the moment...*sigh again*... Ah well, I can console myself that If Jesus tarries, and by His grace, I ll be out of law school, and quite free to attend by next year.
I am in a state of mind which I cannot really explain. I'm not happy, or sad, definately not chirpy. I prefer to be on my own, easily irritated by too much talk. I miss the weekends when I was all alone with my thoughts. I feel like I'm getting more sensible. No more do I take it too personal, the fact that my opinion may not mean all that much to some people. I mean hey, to everyone his life and his choices. All that self-deluding crap that I was deceiving myself with, that Oh I have some 'special power' of conviction and appeal and some sort of influence existed only in my pain-saturated mind,cos the truth of the matter is, people don't get convinced, unless they want to be convinced. And of course unless the Holy Spirit convicts them. So wetin consain me consain monkey wey wan jump for river?
Anywayz, I want Chinese rice o! But I can't afford it. I'm as broke as broke itself. Thankfully I have some business coming in this holiday, so I should be okay by the end of Christmas. In the meantime...the monthly visitor announces her arrival...And I am hungry!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sink or Swim?
Dec 12. 10:32pm
I find it quite satisfying, that as time progresses, the less I care about some people. Not like I cease to care about their existence, but that which they do means less to me. What helps the process along is knowing that they think they have some sort of power...if only they knew. Life is way too short to put up with all the bullocks people dish out. Way too short.
Church was pretty cool today. Even though I was practically frozen, the message was still on point. Pastor Paul,spoke about wealth. Not wealth as in just money, but deeper stuff. Power Choices. Power Personalities. It encouraged me to let go of all d mediocrity in my life and hook myself up with...power. I figured the best place to start is with the biggest power Personality ever...
Today was an okay kinda day. Not spectacular, but okay. And I have some thoughts flowing through my mind. Foremost among these is the question: When will I be free? Because it is not a question of if I will ever be free. That's the fate of those who have no hope and have enslaved themselves to a life of misery. Me? I don't do misery very well. I've had my share of it, for too long, and I gotta tell you, it sucked.
So my question is, when will I be free? When will I walk down the street and not have to shove a thought aside, or force myself to look away? When will I be able to wake up in the morning, and begin my day without having to encourage myself? When will I be able to write a blog, like a nice long ramble on some issue, and not have to wonder about one time in the far past?
I know its within my reach. As the days go by, I want it more. Sometimes the shadows prevail, but just for a while. I'm not interested in moving on. That's a term the whole world uses, which means nothing to me. No, I have greater goals than that. By the time I'm done, even I will not be able to recognise me anymore, and the past will be what it was meant to be all along...past and forgotten, a temporary bridge to the future.
Pastor Paul said power choices create power habits which will produce a power culture... I'm all for the power now...
I find it quite satisfying, that as time progresses, the less I care about some people. Not like I cease to care about their existence, but that which they do means less to me. What helps the process along is knowing that they think they have some sort of power...if only they knew. Life is way too short to put up with all the bullocks people dish out. Way too short.
Church was pretty cool today. Even though I was practically frozen, the message was still on point. Pastor Paul,spoke about wealth. Not wealth as in just money, but deeper stuff. Power Choices. Power Personalities. It encouraged me to let go of all d mediocrity in my life and hook myself up with...power. I figured the best place to start is with the biggest power Personality ever...
Today was an okay kinda day. Not spectacular, but okay. And I have some thoughts flowing through my mind. Foremost among these is the question: When will I be free? Because it is not a question of if I will ever be free. That's the fate of those who have no hope and have enslaved themselves to a life of misery. Me? I don't do misery very well. I've had my share of it, for too long, and I gotta tell you, it sucked.
So my question is, when will I be free? When will I walk down the street and not have to shove a thought aside, or force myself to look away? When will I be able to wake up in the morning, and begin my day without having to encourage myself? When will I be able to write a blog, like a nice long ramble on some issue, and not have to wonder about one time in the far past?
I know its within my reach. As the days go by, I want it more. Sometimes the shadows prevail, but just for a while. I'm not interested in moving on. That's a term the whole world uses, which means nothing to me. No, I have greater goals than that. By the time I'm done, even I will not be able to recognise me anymore, and the past will be what it was meant to be all along...past and forgotten, a temporary bridge to the future.
Pastor Paul said power choices create power habits which will produce a power culture... I'm all for the power now...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
hello bloggerville!
December 12, 1:17am
What a day I had yesterday! I went for the wedding as planned, and I came back with a bin full of stuff...literally! I have never gotten so many souvenirs, or eaten so much, at one wedding...Was quite fun hanging with the boys though, lots of laughs and all.
It is quite safe to say I spent the better part of this weekend lazing around...hopefully I will be able to get some work done later today.
Today is my sister's anniversay! See how time travels...with no thought or care for what you are doing with it. Time simply speeds right by, and at the end, you are left wondering where it went, or regretting why you did not use it properly. Its been quite a year for my big sis, and I pray its only the beginning of greater things to come.
In my journey through survival, I'm not too sure of where exactly I am at the moment. But today, I remembered and intensely missed our quiet midnight conversations. I imagined how my phone would ring, and we would chat on about all kinds of stuff. You would scold me about all the cold stuff I should not have had at the wedding, and I would ask if you had read your Open Heavens today. You would ask me to tell you how I love you, and I would assure you that I do, with all my heart.
I read, or heard somewhere that, and I'm paraphrasing, you should not focus on all the things that made you sad in a particular experience. Better to think about the things that made you happy. Maybe that's what my mind is trying to do, or maybe I just need to remember, and focus on these things, so I can sleep at night...somehow..
There are too many maybe's in my life. I need to eliminate them to the barest minimum.
its time to go to bed, so I can get up in time for church, though the early service isn't looking very likely...
What a day I had yesterday! I went for the wedding as planned, and I came back with a bin full of stuff...literally! I have never gotten so many souvenirs, or eaten so much, at one wedding...Was quite fun hanging with the boys though, lots of laughs and all.
It is quite safe to say I spent the better part of this weekend lazing around...hopefully I will be able to get some work done later today.
Today is my sister's anniversay! See how time travels...with no thought or care for what you are doing with it. Time simply speeds right by, and at the end, you are left wondering where it went, or regretting why you did not use it properly. Its been quite a year for my big sis, and I pray its only the beginning of greater things to come.
In my journey through survival, I'm not too sure of where exactly I am at the moment. But today, I remembered and intensely missed our quiet midnight conversations. I imagined how my phone would ring, and we would chat on about all kinds of stuff. You would scold me about all the cold stuff I should not have had at the wedding, and I would ask if you had read your Open Heavens today. You would ask me to tell you how I love you, and I would assure you that I do, with all my heart.
I read, or heard somewhere that, and I'm paraphrasing, you should not focus on all the things that made you sad in a particular experience. Better to think about the things that made you happy. Maybe that's what my mind is trying to do, or maybe I just need to remember, and focus on these things, so I can sleep at night...somehow..
There are too many maybe's in my life. I need to eliminate them to the barest minimum.
its time to go to bed, so I can get up in time for church, though the early service isn't looking very likely...
Friday, December 10, 2010
The weirdest thing...
I'm watching dear John...well, not really watching,but watching sha. I got to the point where they had fallen in love, and he came back home, and had to decide whether to go back into the army after 9/11, or stay with the love of his life. And she obviously didn't want him to go, but I guess she decided he should, but not before she gave him her most intimate gift.
At that point, I started to cry. I don't even know where it came from, but I was weeping, and I thought, why? Why did she not just hold on? Why didn't they do it right? It woulda been much more beautiful, more precious if they did it right,got married first, waited, held on,something.
Why does no one do it right anymore? Why is no one interested in that anymore? Why can't we just wait? As hard as it is. Maybe its because we don't set our eyes on the prize...I really don't understand it. Was like I was weeping for their love, so very beautiful, so worth the wait. But maybe they did not know better. It was like I was weeping for my lost love, wishing I could turn back time, make things right again. I remember that lovely beach party evening. As hard as it was, we tried. Like we had a goal, something we were looking forward to, a dream we were nursing, waiting for it to grow and flourish.
I think this movie is making me all mushy...I don't know...Will this love survive? Will I look into your eyes one day and be able to say it was all worth it?
Gen has gone off...bedtime is here. Happy first kiss anniversary...
At that point, I started to cry. I don't even know where it came from, but I was weeping, and I thought, why? Why did she not just hold on? Why didn't they do it right? It woulda been much more beautiful, more precious if they did it right,got married first, waited, held on,something.
Why does no one do it right anymore? Why is no one interested in that anymore? Why can't we just wait? As hard as it is. Maybe its because we don't set our eyes on the prize...I really don't understand it. Was like I was weeping for their love, so very beautiful, so worth the wait. But maybe they did not know better. It was like I was weeping for my lost love, wishing I could turn back time, make things right again. I remember that lovely beach party evening. As hard as it was, we tried. Like we had a goal, something we were looking forward to, a dream we were nursing, waiting for it to grow and flourish.
I think this movie is making me all mushy...I don't know...Will this love survive? Will I look into your eyes one day and be able to say it was all worth it?
Gen has gone off...bedtime is here. Happy first kiss anniversary...
Gosh...I miss unilag.
I'm chilling by myself, done with my movie, and I stumble on some videos from the beach party... And I realise that I miss my University days..a lot.
I miss the class of 10, every single crazy person that made up the class. I miss the laughs, the fun. I miss the hostel, my roommates. I miss Rosemary. I miss my friends in abuja and enugu and Kano. Seeing everyone brings back such good memories, and I realise that I had a really cool University experience.
I recall in particular how the day of the beach party ended... When I found a way to meet up with him, and we just hung out...was a perfect end to a cool day..Really cool..*sigh*
I guess you could call this my mini trip down memory lane...a luxury I afford myself sometimes, but I have to relish that moment and not link it to the present, because right now...things are different.
I'm chilling by myself, done with my movie, and I stumble on some videos from the beach party... And I realise that I miss my University days..a lot.
I miss the class of 10, every single crazy person that made up the class. I miss the laughs, the fun. I miss the hostel, my roommates. I miss Rosemary. I miss my friends in abuja and enugu and Kano. Seeing everyone brings back such good memories, and I realise that I had a really cool University experience.
I recall in particular how the day of the beach party ended... When I found a way to meet up with him, and we just hung out...was a perfect end to a cool day..Really cool..*sigh*
I guess you could call this my mini trip down memory lane...a luxury I afford myself sometimes, but I have to relish that moment and not link it to the present, because right now...things are different.
Entry..again...for lack of a better title.
December 10. 7:52pm
Its another quiet evening by myself. I enjoy these evenings, usually during the weekends, because I'm free. I can sleep, read, dance, cry, generally do whatever I please. I'm even getting quite comfortable moving about in my birthday suit...Initially the weather was too hot for any other options, but when the light condition kinda improved, I was already comfortable in it. I mean, it is quite a stunning work of art, if I do say so myself...
Anyways, I had some chinese dinner, and I want to watch a movie, but the laptop isn't coorporating, so maybe I ll read a novel, as recommended by the delectable Mrs Odusote...
Yay! Laptop just came on! Now to chose a movie. But first, I want to talk about my best lecturer in the law school so far.
Mrs Gbemisola Odusote is my Property Law practice lecturer. There are three of them actually, but one reason I like her best is because she seems least interested among the lot in killing us...the others try by rambling on and on till we have barely enough strength to sit up. The Head of the department I don't really like because she is rude to her subordinate.
Anyway, Mrs Odusote is tall, a a little fairer than I am,quite good looking. And she hardly ever smiles. But she is such a good teacher. Very interested in us getting what she is saying.understanding what she teaches. She is pretty funny, down to earth, and she is time conscious...very few people in that department have that quality. For some reason, this lady helped me to like the course, encourages me to read it and be good at it. Maybe somehow she looks like what I could be when I'm her age, perhaps with more smiles. I just really think she is very cool, and I hope I get to meet her in person.
Now its back to my movie, and I hope I can get some worl done before the night expires...
Its another quiet evening by myself. I enjoy these evenings, usually during the weekends, because I'm free. I can sleep, read, dance, cry, generally do whatever I please. I'm even getting quite comfortable moving about in my birthday suit...Initially the weather was too hot for any other options, but when the light condition kinda improved, I was already comfortable in it. I mean, it is quite a stunning work of art, if I do say so myself...
Anyways, I had some chinese dinner, and I want to watch a movie, but the laptop isn't coorporating, so maybe I ll read a novel, as recommended by the delectable Mrs Odusote...
Yay! Laptop just came on! Now to chose a movie. But first, I want to talk about my best lecturer in the law school so far.
Mrs Gbemisola Odusote is my Property Law practice lecturer. There are three of them actually, but one reason I like her best is because she seems least interested among the lot in killing us...the others try by rambling on and on till we have barely enough strength to sit up. The Head of the department I don't really like because she is rude to her subordinate.
Anyway, Mrs Odusote is tall, a a little fairer than I am,quite good looking. And she hardly ever smiles. But she is such a good teacher. Very interested in us getting what she is saying.understanding what she teaches. She is pretty funny, down to earth, and she is time conscious...very few people in that department have that quality. For some reason, this lady helped me to like the course, encourages me to read it and be good at it. Maybe somehow she looks like what I could be when I'm her age, perhaps with more smiles. I just really think she is very cool, and I hope I get to meet her in person.
Now its back to my movie, and I hope I can get some worl done before the night expires...
Another entry...
December 10. 1:10pm
Sitting in class, my concentration is just about zero...this man has a gift for rambling on and on! My goodness..I haven't eaten any thing proper all day.. A few bites of oreos and some chocolate really doesn't count.
Anywayz, yesterday night ended up the exact opposite of what I could have thought...gosh..
So I was supposed to go dancing, after so many years! I was all kitted up, looking hot and all. Was to see a friend who was going on leave first, then stop off at the dance place. Only, when I told my friend that he would drop me off, he refused! Like he said the only way he would take me there was if Jesus came down from heaven! I could not believe my ears. We dragged this issue ooo, and I ended up not going. Of course I made him pay dearly for this...in the way only I could. And his reasons? I did not agree with it, but I knew it was borne out of the immense love he has for me, so I let it slide. Now I have to find a good reason to give the person who invited me, because the real reason, I will not be saying.
Btw, if living your life involves stabbing someone else in the heart,intentionally, then you are not really living. But then again, it's not that surprising...
Wedding tomorrow! Nothing to wear! I hafta find something...
Tomorrow is a special day...in more ways than one.
Sitting in class, my concentration is just about zero...this man has a gift for rambling on and on! My goodness..I haven't eaten any thing proper all day.. A few bites of oreos and some chocolate really doesn't count.
Anywayz, yesterday night ended up the exact opposite of what I could have thought...gosh..
So I was supposed to go dancing, after so many years! I was all kitted up, looking hot and all. Was to see a friend who was going on leave first, then stop off at the dance place. Only, when I told my friend that he would drop me off, he refused! Like he said the only way he would take me there was if Jesus came down from heaven! I could not believe my ears. We dragged this issue ooo, and I ended up not going. Of course I made him pay dearly for this...in the way only I could. And his reasons? I did not agree with it, but I knew it was borne out of the immense love he has for me, so I let it slide. Now I have to find a good reason to give the person who invited me, because the real reason, I will not be saying.
Btw, if living your life involves stabbing someone else in the heart,intentionally, then you are not really living. But then again, it's not that surprising...
Wedding tomorrow! Nothing to wear! I hafta find something...
Tomorrow is a special day...in more ways than one.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Again.
December 9. 21:28pm
Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.
Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...
Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?
Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.
Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...
Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?
Survival...
December 9. 4:55pm
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
stability...of sm sort..
December 8. 5:43pm.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
Monday, December 6, 2010
...
December 6. 1:20pm.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
shadows.
Shadows.
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
reality
Reality unfolds...
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
pain redefined.
How do I explain the pain, raw and stark, that flows through my body? I don't think it can be expressed with words. I could try though...
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)