Bittersweet.

Bittersweet.
Today was a day with mixed feelings for me. I think i’ll start with the bad, so that i can better enjoy the good.
It dawned on me anew that pastor’s wife is actually gone. It’s like the hurt of it is coming little by little upon me. I saw him today, and I saw the dark circles under his eyes. He is being brave, trusting God, and I commend him. But I wondered to myself, what will he eat when he gets home? Who will cook for him? Who will he eat with, talk, laugh and argue with? My heart went out to him. I have been hurt for his little children as well, who have been left without their mother. I cannot imagine life without my Ma and Pa, so i cannot really understand how they must feel, knowing they wont be seeing their mummy again...not on this earth anyways. I heard that the funeral was ‘bloody’, that my father wept. I cant tell my mum till the end of her holiday, I know she’ll weep too. Things like that make you scared, and appreciative of what you have. Things like that make you realise that the only reason you have what you have is by the mercy of God. I sincerely pray that the Lord will take good care of them.
The sunny side of the day now comes up. I had an amazing surprise at church today. YO had told me he would come visit, and that was something to look forward to. But he brought with him a surprise, LO! I was shocked speechless... kinda... He was the last person on earth I expected to see in my church on a Sunday morning, looking all sharp and wot-not. It was sooo nice to see them and chat, it has been 6 whole years! How time speeds past without you having a clue. To think that we were not really friends in high school and LO was beefing me cos he thought I was behind his expulsion! That was pretty funny. And oyewalls! As funny as ever! I had a marvellous time with them, and I hope we all get to hang out again soon. Of which they want to come for the dinner, I hope that works out.
So there goes a plesantly eventful Sunday. I’m back home, glad to be home, generally getting a feel of things...Its been about 7 weeks...wow...

I have less than 90 minutes of internet time left. Somehow I feel the need to bare my thoughts tonight.
I have had such an eventful life, an eventful year, an eventful month, even an eventful yesterday. I spent the last months of my stay in this school learning lessons of pain, of suffering, of weakness, of love. I have been realising new things, trying to let go of old ones. I have forged new friendships, one in particular that was fortified by the expression of my sorrow, one which will not be easily broken.
I love him. I love him to bits. This is one place where I can still say it, for anybody to hear, without pretence. I love him so much, I am willing to go through almost anything with him. I never thought the day would come when my love would reside in a dark, short(judging by my height) chubby 22 year old. I never thought the day would come when his strangely built (and large) head, big bottom, rounded belly, dark eyes, wonderfully broad shoulders, would be my definition of...perfection.
But that is what it is. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, this beholder has beheld her beauty. Its the kind that can only get better you see, because in my idle moments, I dream of how he could dedicate time to work-outs, how he could become much more than my dreams could hold, how he could leave me breathless by his very smile.
But then, such thoughts, I have learnt, bring in their wake, a wave of sadness, a potent reality that stares me in the face. A reality which I try to suppress, but which lurks somewhere, waiting to announce itself. The reality that I do not have him anymore.
Sometimes i still cannot understand how things could change so quickly in such a short time. Once upon a time, things were normal, simple, good. We shared the tiniest pleasures, the smallest intimacies which spoke volumes. Those things we used to do, those tender inconsequential things...and I do not still believe that they are no more. I cannot hold his hand in mine and weave my heart’s tapestry into them anymore. I cannot sit with him in the dark, face to face, while we talk and pray and promise to be honest with each other. I cannot call him for the sole purpose of hearing his voice, so I can draw inspiration for something difficult that I need to do. I cannot even speak with him anymore.
I guess these are the lessons that I have been forced to learn, that unusual things in life come with unusual consequences. That sometimes you have to let go of something with the single hope that maybe, just maybe, it will come back and it will be back to stay.
I try to console myself with this.
But I cannot console myself too much, because there’s also the possibility that it would not come back.
I’m sleepy. I’ve become foodious according to T.A... wait... I have always been foodiuos, thank God for good genes! But I think I’m allowed. I am trusting God for a wonderful result. I’m trusting God for many things.
At least i have something to be grateful for. I think i am better at containing the pain. I can now sleep. I’m not doing crazy things like before. Maybe I’m learning to manage. Maybe.
My brother and his friend came over today. Had good fun hanging with them. The friend is really sweet. Cakes orders are coming in again, so I can work on the business, at least until school beckons again. My old friend is coming to church on Sunday. He sounds like he is pretty deep, and i hope we can talk as well in person as we do over the net.
Life is happening, and i’m working on acceptance of those things that need to be right now. Little by little.

.....

Why?

why do you attack me so, with such brazen words?
why do you take my affections. my weakness, and knock them down with blocks of ice?
why do u not see my weakness, for what it really is?
why do you choose to stand, though justified,perhaps, but bent without feeling?
why do you not get, that my desperation speaks,
desperation for you, and for that which has become so vital in my world?
why do you launch such an attack, speak of unforgiveness,
like there was a matter which needed forgiveness in the first place?
why are you so quick to decide, that i hold a grudge, because you decide that you will not be moved?
why do you choose to see the worst of me, which is captured in me seeing the worst of you?
Keep your understanding, keep your self, keep the part of you which you try not to bare
because at the end of the day, it goes both ways. at the end of the day, you do not see.
at the end of the day, you are so blinded by your pain
and when the scales come off, may it not be too late.

It is indeed the end.

Basking in the ambience...

Basking in the Ambience...
25th August 2010. I wrote my final paper in the university of Lagos. I am done. Finally.
The reality of it has not fully set in. Sometimes it dawns on me anew, that I am a graduate. I will not be returning to unilag, to moremi. I will not be attending lectures here anymore. No more hustling for bed space, running for classes, dealing with incorrigible lecturers...at least not in this environment anyway...
My heart is full of overwhelming gratitude to God. He has been absolutely amazing to me, sticking with me when I was good, bad, happy, sad, sickly, well, sinful, careless, when i was oblivious of His presence...Now I understand the concept of His faithfulness... Thank you Lord for being so good to me.
At the moment, i am trying to just rest. To get myself together, recover from all the stress. I’m learning not to worry about the things I cannot change by worrying. I’m learning to trust God with all my heart. I’m learning to appreciate my Pa an my Ma. I’m learning what it means to be myself, to have faith in a God that I cannot see. I’m becoming...me.
Freedom is wonderful...it’s so amazing the feeling. Everyone around me is still working, which makes the feeling even better. Now i can deal with some unfinished business, get back to baking and making money till law school beacons.
I heard some sad news today when I went to visit my Pa. A pastor’s wife passed away. Was such a shocker, because i see her all the time in church. What bothers me the most are her 4 small children. I cant imagine how they must feel. I pray God takes good care of them...
Basking in the ambience of freedom... feels wonderful.

leaving it all on paper.

This is probably the most incoherent poem I will ever write. But I feel its the best way i can express myself right now, so here goes:

Leaving it all on paper, pushing it all away
Trying not to make a deal of it, trying to be okay
Its funny the things that inspire you, its funny the things that matter
Its funny the things that hurt so much, you really can’t get why.

Leaving it all on paper, wondering to myself,
Does it matter that there’s no obligation, or am I just being a pest?
Hoping is such a waste sometimes, when you know you shouldn’t
But it’s a tiny thing, such a tiny thing, I did not think you’d forget

Leaving it all on paper, hoping my head won’t hurt
Trying to get out of the first mode, ready to do the next
Wishing i did not care so much, wishing it did not matter
I just really cant believe, that you of all people would forget

Leaving it all on paper, coming to terms with life
The things that you really want, sometimes will only bring strife.
If it did not matter, if the thought did not occur
I will silently nurse my wounds, and heal to hope no more.

the final days...

The final days...
5 more days. And I will no longer be a student of this school. 5 more days.... wow.
In these last days, I’ve battled with stress, body pains, fatigue, lack of sleep, name it. I guess I’m not really complaining because it comes with the exam season.
This is the last chance. The last leg. The last opportunity. This is the only chance I have left as an undergrad to show that I’m worth my onions. This is the make-or-break moment. the final determination of what I am going to leave this school with. I need God more than ever before.
So many things run through my mind. The reasons why I cannot end this journey with a bad result. Right now, it’s not even about me anymore. Now it’s a lot more personal. It’s about the people I simply cannot let down.
I got some great news today. He did wonderfully well in his exams. I am so pleased, so grateful to God, because if it had come out the other way, I would have felt very responsible. And he would have been so unhappy. But God did it. He did it. He worked real hard for it, inspite of everything. He inspires me, because I think that if he can do it, then I can do it too. I am very proud of him, like I have always been.
I just wanted to take a little time out, to record the final days.
Perhaps I’ll write again soon. Perhaps I’ll write again when it’s all over.

Work calls.

clearing my head

The clock is ticking.
Time won’t wait for me to sort myself out, my obligations won’t change because I need to clear my head. But perhaps i will do just that, so that I can move on.
I don’t trust him. The realisation hit me this morning. I don’t know if he has noticed that something is different. Maybe he hasn’t. Maybe I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for. But sitting here, trying to clear my head enough to study, i realise that the trust I felt, inspite of all, is slowly but surely ebbing away.
He has never been a simple straight to the point kind of guy. I think I always knew that. And I was okay with it, because I felt that there were implied rules in our relationship. That he would at least be straight with me, to a good extent. After all, I have let him see some of the deepest hurts of my soul. I have let him see things that a lot of people don’t even know exist. So I always imagined, with all the things he says, the things we have been through, he will be honest with me.
Now, I am not so sure. In fact, I am not sure at all. And I don’t know how long I can hide my distrust. So some way or the other, he has to show me, without knowing that he is showing me, that he is deserving. I need to be convinced. Or before I know it, it would be the end of a great relationship.
I think I am beginning to take shape. In some weird way. I am beginning to have goals, dreams and aspirations. I have passions and dislikes. And I have realised, that one thing which causes me a great deal of pain and discomfort, is when people are not straight with me. People who should know better. So passionate am I about this type of honesty, that the repercussions are far-reaching.

Partnership calls.

thots.

Everybody lies.

That’s what Dr. House said. Maybe he is a cynical, sad but utterly brilliant fictional man. Or maybe he saw people for who they really are, and he was sick of hoping in their almost non-exisitent goodness. Maybe.

I try to wrap my mind around the things I see, the discoveries I’ve made in recent time. Even now I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with the human race, but I have way bigger issues to deal with, so I’m gonna put it down and forget about it.
Human beings have an incredibly high capacity to deceive. I mean, everybody lies, yes, but the lengths that some people will go...it’s almost remarkable. The worst part is the pretence. How you will let the rest of the myopic world believe that you are all righteous and upstanding, full of integrity and honour. But you go to bed at night, knowing full well that you are no more than a lying, thieving, cheating scoundrel. A real piece of work.
I know you might be thinking, ‘this babe, you dey vex gan!’ Well, maybe. But I really am not taking it too personal, I’m just trying to clear my head.
Why do we do it? Because we are greedy and selfish. Self-seeking and twisted. Sometimes it’s for ‘noble’ reasons, like how I really do love her, or him, but I need to do this,i need ‘me’ time and i don’t want him/her to see this side of me. Even worse, she knows that side of you, but because she is so stuck, she is so terribly dependent, she does not know how to walk away. So she accepts it.

God forbid.

Its almost like everyone is the same. Like no one knows better. The guy who does all manner of things...cheats, steals, screws around, but only a select few know about it and they laugh at the rest of us who imagine that he’s the next best gift God has given the world. The girl who goes to church, worker and exco and stuff, but she’s lying, tricking and manipulating her way up the success ladder, like there’s only space for one person at the top.
I’m not trying to judge. Lord knows i’m past that. What I cannot get over is this: You are who you are. You screw up. We all screw up. Why are you pretending? Why are you lying, and making the world believe you are something else? Why are you running your mouth, forming holier-than-thou, when you are worse off? Cut the crap people. If I’m feeling like this, i don’t want to thing about how God feels when He thinks about us.
There is an inner weakness in us all. There is also the inner evil. Deep, dark, and horribly destructive. It’s up to you to let it rule, or to shut it up.

Ramblings of the soonest lawyer-to-be.

Ramblings of the soonest lawyer-to-be.
I’m getting old. Getting responsible..i think. Getting ready to enter a new phase of my life. I’ll be a graduate soon! That has to be exciting right? I cannot believe i am almost done with five years of university education. I still remember the day, 3rd January 2006, when my pa called me and said he saw my name in the newspaper. My family came home and began hailing...’the law...’. Interesting stuff. now I’m almost done. Almost out. With a head full of knowledge, mind full of memories, heart full of experience.

I have no regrets. I have things that i remember and still cringe, but here’s how i try to see it. I spent 5 years learning, say, how to ride a bike. That’s an awfully long time to spend learning to ride a silly bike. But this is a special kind of bike. Or maybe i should use a tractor for my analogy... nah, i’ll stick with the bike.
So I’m learning, and i fall, countless times. I even break an arm and a leg. I bruise my vital organs. But thank God, I did not amputate anything. None of me is the same as when I first got in, but it’s all still there, and I’m grateful to God for that.
I found people. People who really truly love me. Who actually care about me. People who honestly believe I’m important, who miss me when I’m not around. People who have come to need me, who think I am valuable. I found friends. I found opard. I found G.B. i found friends.

I have three papers, one test, one project. I have one heart that needs mending. I have one longing that needs fulfilling. I have two parents that I must make proud. I have a future to look forward to. I have one God that I need to serve.

venting.

i.am.frustrated.
i am tired mehn...like really. I can’t sleep, and it’s one of those times when i have so many things swirling around in my head and I can’t seem to run away from it all.
Final year is exhausting. Law final year is a notch worse. I am so tired of thinking, of running around, staring at the law school website. And we are spending so much money! Expenses crop up left, right and centre, I’m beginning to feel bad every time I have to ask my Pa for money.
Then there’s exams. In three weeks. Three short weeks!no..make that two and half weeks. I still have not put finishing touches to my project. I haven’t gotten this law school registration out of my hair. Obviously i have not been doing much reading. I just want to leave everything and sleep. No such luck though. Have to get up early to get to the medical centre. if only i could get some rest.

So darn tired...