I have less than 90 minutes of internet time left. Somehow I feel the need to bare my thoughts tonight.
I have had such an eventful life, an eventful year, an eventful month, even an eventful yesterday. I spent the last months of my stay in this school learning lessons of pain, of suffering, of weakness, of love. I have been realising new things, trying to let go of old ones. I have forged new friendships, one in particular that was fortified by the expression of my sorrow, one which will not be easily broken.
I love him. I love him to bits. This is one place where I can still say it, for anybody to hear, without pretence. I love him so much, I am willing to go through almost anything with him. I never thought the day would come when my love would reside in a dark, short(judging by my height) chubby 22 year old. I never thought the day would come when his strangely built (and large) head, big bottom, rounded belly, dark eyes, wonderfully broad shoulders, would be my definition of...perfection.
But that is what it is. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, this beholder has beheld her beauty. Its the kind that can only get better you see, because in my idle moments, I dream of how he could dedicate time to work-outs, how he could become much more than my dreams could hold, how he could leave me breathless by his very smile.
But then, such thoughts, I have learnt, bring in their wake, a wave of sadness, a potent reality that stares me in the face. A reality which I try to suppress, but which lurks somewhere, waiting to announce itself. The reality that I do not have him anymore.
Sometimes i still cannot understand how things could change so quickly in such a short time. Once upon a time, things were normal, simple, good. We shared the tiniest pleasures, the smallest intimacies which spoke volumes. Those things we used to do, those tender inconsequential things...and I do not still believe that they are no more. I cannot hold his hand in mine and weave my heart’s tapestry into them anymore. I cannot sit with him in the dark, face to face, while we talk and pray and promise to be honest with each other. I cannot call him for the sole purpose of hearing his voice, so I can draw inspiration for something difficult that I need to do. I cannot even speak with him anymore.
I guess these are the lessons that I have been forced to learn, that unusual things in life come with unusual consequences. That sometimes you have to let go of something with the single hope that maybe, just maybe, it will come back and it will be back to stay.
I try to console myself with this.
But I cannot console myself too much, because there’s also the possibility that it would not come back.
I’m sleepy. I’ve become foodious according to T.A... wait... I have always been foodiuos, thank God for good genes! But I think I’m allowed. I am trusting God for a wonderful result. I’m trusting God for many things.
At least i have something to be grateful for. I think i am better at containing the pain. I can now sleep. I’m not doing crazy things like before. Maybe I’m learning to manage. Maybe.
My brother and his friend came over today. Had good fun hanging with them. The friend is really sweet. Cakes orders are coming in again, so I can work on the business, at least until school beckons again. My old friend is coming to church on Sunday. He sounds like he is pretty deep, and i hope we can talk as well in person as we do over the net.
Life is happening, and i’m working on acceptance of those things that need to be right now. Little by little.