broken(5)

It’s over.
I have formed the habit of putting down feelings, emotions, times of meaning as they happen to me.
So right now, i announce to you, dear non-existent followers, that it is over. Not like it was not over before, now there’s this finality that I must come to terms with, the fact that I am now on my own again. Single. Without my City Love.
When does it hit you? Like really hit you when stuff happens? It can’t be when you hear it. Sometimes its before you hear it, or after. I think that I am sad now, but it has not fully sunk in yet. This promises to be yet another sleepless night. My head hurts already. Maybe from tears, or from insufficient food, I’m not so sure.
This has got to be my biggest challenge yet. That day in 2006, January, when I got the call from my dad that I was admitted into this school, who would have known that I would be spending my final months struggling to finish, while nursing a broken heart.
Well, i guess that is life. I cannot help but be amused a bit at how things have turned out. It’s the strangest thing, how I go from wondering at my lack of challenges to having a good number of them.
I heard his voice again today. It was the closest thing to normal I had heard in a while. He decided to bear the hurt and be straight with me. That I really appreciate. The enormity of my love for him, who will ever fully understand it? Even I do not fully understand it. But I have to live with it. Lock it up in my heart. Struggle not to do anything about it but pray. Hope to God that it will all work out.
Nothing more seems to come to mind at the moment. The headache reminds me of its presence. I need to try to refrain from thinking. I need to stay away from all reminders. I need to focus on school work, remembering that he wants me to focus. I want to make him proud at the end of these two months.
Dear Lord, King of the Universe. You see my heart. You see my thoughts. Have mercy on us both. Keep him safe and secure. Let him find You and be happy. Teach me to be still in my mind. Help me through this Lord, so that I do not do anything drastic. Please, help me.
Still sad, still broken.

so far...

As far as days go, today has to be one of the toughest I have had, and boy, have I had some really tough days. First off, I did not sleep. At all. I can’t really remember closing my eyes. Maybe at the break of dawn I drifted a bit, but for the most part, I was awake, and unable to do anything really. I could not even attend my classes. Tried drowning my sorrows, but that did not really work. Tried to find some kind of respite with him, but lets just say that turned out like dynamite. It blew up in my face. I said things. He said things. I was a basket case o! Kai! Anyways, it was not all bad. That I can type this blog should tell you that it was not all bad. Because if it was, my head would still be buried in my tear-soaked pillow.
I talked with EO, and I realised that I have been selfish. And totally irrational/overly emotional. And unwilling, or unable to think. But after today, the gruelling roller coaster ride that I initiated, I have no other solution but to think. To really think. Because this is not a joke. It’s a real life situation, with hearts and lives involved.
So I will be categorising my thoughts into four parts: God, myself, him, family (this will encompass his and mine). I figure anything outside these categories is not important.
I think I have said some things so many times, I’m beginning to sound like a broken record. Things like I’m sorry, I want to be with you, I don’t know how to be without you anymore, forgive me, blah, blah, blah. My listeners and non-existent followers are probably rolling their eyes at all the repetition, so I will try to cut down a bit.
A really serious issue that I face now is school work. Stabbing class. Not up to date with a lot of my work. Project is not doing so great either. I have less than 60 days, and then it will all be over. Not to mention that I have a possible test tomorrow, at 8.a.m. Am I going to go deeper into all the bad feelings trying to suck me in? Or am I going to pull through somehow?
I need encouragement from the people that count. I need a little love and support. I need to sleep. Lord, please grant me sleep tonight.

Is it okay if i go numb for a while

Is it okay if I go numb for a while,
If I seize to feel or care for this time
My world is spinning out of control
My nights still feel like a nightmare unfold
I cannot focus, be still, listen
Without this hurt resounding within me
I have this task, an obligation to fulfil
So where is the strength, where is the will?
This final lap, this ultimate chance,
This one opportunity I will never get back
I sit right here staring at my hands
Losing the urge, to move any further
Is there help, is there hope
Is there solace for my sorrow
Or will I end my race of all this time
With the result of failure, pain, and more tomorrow
Is it okay if I go numb for a while
If my mind seized to play, my ears to ring
But how do I go numb for a while
I seem unable to find the way, the means to shut down.

Broken (4)

Not again...
Aww shucks! Its looking like it’s gonna be another long evening... Am I going to cry myself to sleep this time? Or will I just cry and not sleep?
I have finals in less than two months. I have not read anything. My project is nowhere near finished. It is only by the grace of God that I will finish with that upper. How am I going to do this? Why now? My mind is mocking me. Everything seems to be going awry.
I remember a song from little red riding hood. It was the wolf that sang it. He said the man without a heart, is the luckiest of men, because his heart cannot be broken again. I need solace. I need to get a grip on myself. Right now, I am stewing in misery. The feeling is so strong, I just have to put it down. I have never felt the need for anyone in my entire life, like I feel it now. One failed relationship. Will I lose my school work too? I cannot sleep. I have no appetite. I feel like I’m going crazy almost, because I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hear him say ‘hey sunshine...’ i just want to hear his ringtone and his lovely voice on the other end of the line. What is he doing now? Is he happy? Is he safe? Is he watching a t.v show, or chatting with a friend? Is he listening to John Mayer, or Coltrane? Has he had dinner? Has he gotten his stuff from school? How’s his grey hair? What are his plans for the week? Does he hate me? Is he drowning his pain in something, anything? Is he feeling any pain at all? Or has he successfully blocked me out like a bad memory? Is he getting along with his dad? What scent does he wear now? Will I ever see him again? Will he ever smile at me, hug me, hold me again?
All I have are memories. Memories that hang on to me, torment me, leave me grieving. I can’t see the sun right now. I can’t see much of anything right now. Just pain. Tons and tons of pain.
I don’t want to go off the deep end. But I am driving the knife deeper into the wound. I am bleeding out. My insides are screaming with the pain of it. I want my love back. I want to be free.

Tired.

My goodness...
I’m tired. I did not achieve anything today school-wise, because I got side-tracked, and I did not know how to get myself out of it. When I’m tired, things seem different, the world is a drearier place. I wonder when I’ll ever be tired and happy.
I have taken up a destructive habit. One that has caused me trouble in times past, and one that is part of my present predicament. It would appear that I have not learnt my lesson. With him, or anyone else for that matter.
The thing is, after the first few times, I promised myself that I would not do it again. That I will do better next time. That it only makes me feel worse. But then the situation presents itself, and truthfully, it makes me forget my pain, even if it’s for the shortest time...
My plan seems to be wavering a bit. Maybe its because I’m back in school with many distractions. I guess I have to adjust. I will try not to talk about it until it actually works. In the mean time, I need to stop sleeping with the enemy.
My heart is no longer with me, not really anyway. Living without a heart is not so easy, but it is necessary, and hopefully, it will pay off.

By golly...

Shoot!!!
So, less than 10 minutes ago, I was about to sleep. Before then, I was thinking semi-evil thoughts. You know, a cross between naughty and evil. Thoughts which were brought about by a temptation I yielded to. So as I tried to forget and settle in, I got my wrapper to cover myself. Only, as I stretched the wrapper, my finger was cut by the ceiling fan...again! it was like, huh? You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be happening again. But it did. And my ever-efficient room mate got the closest thing to methylated spirit: perfume, and she tortured me. She opened the wounds, determined to get all the dirt out. As I was yelling in pain, I could not help laughing at the irony of the situation. It was like God was knocking my head, saying, “Kemi, I warned you... Don’t you dare think (and do) that again!”.
So now it’s all cleaned up. I have faith that no tetanus will get in, because I have no intention of getting to that health centre.
Okay Lord, I hope I have gotten the message this time. In the meantime, please help me say no to those other “temptations” that are knocking at my door...

Dear Diary!

Dear non-existent followers,
I have been a very naughty girl! I’m not very experienced at this, and I usually would not do it, but this situation is anything but usual! My heart was pounding like it was gonna explode. But when I was done, it felt so good!
It might not happen again. Or maybe it might, you should never say never, that much I have learnt. But the feeling was…different. Wrong maybe, crazy definitely, not expected of a proper girl, sure…but fun? *sigh* Now I understand why people do what they do. And why it’s kind of hard to stop…
This is the shortest blog ever, but I just had to report myself.

Wish me luck ;-)

Ahem...

Ahem...
I am rather amazed at the number of blogs I have churned out in the last couple of days! Grief sure knows how to bring out the stuff in people...good and bad. As far as bad things go, it is getting quite obvious that I have not been sleeping. My health isn’t doing so great, and something has to give because I’ve got tons of work to do.
Today was an interesting day. Weird, but interesting. Depends on your definition of interesting though. But I came up with a plan...an almost full-proof plan, if all the variables work out. I will not share them with you yet, dear curious non-existent followers, but time will tell. You’ll see.
I came across something that I had forgotten about. Something that has a great deal of answers. Even though it’s not all quick-fix and stuff, I guess it’ll be there when i am ready to deal with stuff properly. I saw in my open heavens (my devotional that I dumped for a while, unfortunately) that you cannot conquer the day while it is day, but at night. Let’s just say that this is my night. And I know that if I don’t win this now, it’ll be waiting for me in the future. So here is to conquering the day! This is where my plan comes in, but I’m still not telling, so be patient! (I’m one to talk, I’m still learning the meaning of the word...)
Yeah, so the thing I remembered? Here it is:
Yield not to temptation
For yielding is sin
Each victory will help you
Some other to win
Fight manfully (or womanfully) onward
Dark passions subdue
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through

Ask the Saviour to help you
Comfort, strengthen and keep you
He is willing to aid you
He will carry you through

Shun evil companions
Bad language disdain
God’s name hold in reverence
Nor take it in vain
Be thoughtful and earnest
Kind-hearted and true
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through

To him that overcometh
God giveth a crown
Through faith we will conquer
Though often cast down
He who is our Saviour
Our strength will renew
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through...

So there. I put it down, and i hope i will look at it enough to get the message.
In the meantime, Confucius and all them Greco-roman people talk too much, and I have to know what they are saying!
Hopefully, this girl will get some sleep tonight. Hopefully.

Broken (3)

It would appear that my days now begin at 3 in the morning. Because now I wake up and I can’t go back to sleep. My head hurts, my mouth tastes funny, and I get restless. So I decided this morning that a little torture might be appropriate, to commensurate this insomnic occasion. I look for my phone, my old companion who has been with me from the beginning, and I begin to read text messages. The whole wiping away all traces of a person- texts, pictures and wotnot is just rubbish, never works for me anyway. Apparently, marinating in pain and suffering is more appealing. Weird person I am.
Anyways, I go through the messages, and I began to remember things I should be trying to forget. But I know that I cannot forget. Something about trying to remember someone you never met. Its impossible like that. I tried everything. I prayed, tried to pray, cried, you know the works. And then I came to another depressing realisation. The one thing that will most likely totally break me, is if by some chance or way or method, I find out that he has been broken totally. If anything happens to him, I know that something will happen to me too. Because you see, what we have is not ordinary. It is nowhere near common. Its not even logical. That’s why this situation is so absurd. I think how two years ago we were living independent lives, now a part of me is dying because of him. How can a situation be so hopeless? How can there be absolutely no way? How can I live like this?
I heard somewhere that if you let your love go and it comes back, it is back to stay. I’m scared because I am still hoping. Very soon I will be too scared to hope. Every time I try to pre-empt God, I fall flat on my face. Because it never turns out the way I hope it would. So maybe if I don’t imagine how it might happen, it will not elude me again. These days I don’t really pray for myself anymore. When I can pray ,all I do is beg God on his behalf, that somehow God will reach him and help him in ways that I cannot.
He once said something about how I never ran from reality, no matter how hard, or maybe he did not say it. Seems like a stray memory wedged somewhere in my head. But I have never had to face a reality this difficult, this gut-wrenching. This reality haunts me day and night. It makes me weak with pain. This reality has taken my sleep, dulled my senses. This reality is ripping me apart.
God said He would not give us more than we can handle. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

class of 10 (part 2)

So, we are in our finals. Even if some of us can't wait to get out of this school, it's like our last few months together, as a class. That is something to be happy about right? The kind of time that you would want to have good memories and memorabilia and wot-not. At least that's the way i see it. So you would not mind making a few sacrifices here and there, stressing yourself and your pockets, cos hey, its a one time thing, right?
Wrong. At least most people don't see it that way. Most of them are 'broke', or just too uninterested to make an effort. So today, me being the over-sabi person that i can sometimes be, decide to carry it on my head,forming collector and convincer of the brethren.
But i was met with such negativity, i got pissed. Then i got scolded.
i ask my self, is it my father's business? Is it my mother's work? Absolutely not. As my darling Opard would tell me, it really is not important. Just so much stress that we carry, because we care.
Well, i'm not interested in caring anymore. Whoever isn't down with it, good for them! Keep your money and your time. As for me, i will go as all out as i can to create the best of memories for myself. i will struggle to participate in as much activity as is sensible. i will have a grand time, perhaps talk with people i have never really spoken to. i'll form new friendships and cement old ones.
Opard is being...well, himself really. With all his principles and stuff. But i love him, very dearly. More dearly as we get to the end of this journey. Because, he is the one constant person that has been there for me in this school. He supports, scolds, teaches me things that i'm too caught up to see. He is probably the best thing that has happened to me in this school. In yr 1, we were really tight,yr 2 and 3 we drifted a bit,yr 4 i was kinda distracted, but we are back together this final year. Bigger, better, and stronger.
At some point i was contemplating writing my friends letters, something they will remember me by. Maybe when i get some money, i'll buy some fancy stationary and do just that. Opard will be first on my list.

Class of 10... sui generis...for sure.

From a very truthful point of view

25th June 2010
From a very truthful point of view
Its 4:46 in the morning, when normal human beings should be sleeping. But I’m up, feeling the signs of sickness creeping up, and feeling like the worst fool in the world.
Why do human beings refuse to think through their actions? Why are we, or rather why am I so controlled by emotion, that I don’t think about consequences?
I should not have gone there. It was an absolutely idiotic thing to do. Because the only thing I achieved was making things worse. I’m beginning to wonder if meeting me was not the worst thing that ever happened to him, because I am the focal point of all his misery at the moment.
I claim to love him, to really love him, but I break him down all the time. I break his resolve, his will, his efforts. From the very beginning, that’s all I’ve been doing without even trying. Chopping down all he has been trying to build, all in the name of love, or attraction, or some other stupid concept.
He said I had more than him. God. Good family. If that’s true, then I am begging this God, to please reach out to him in the depths of his misery, because I’m totally helpless in that venture.
Maybe I have been trying too hard. My friend told me, that no one can change another human being. But i certainly can make another person experience hell.
He said it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That was much easier to say when the loving was okay. Now that that isn't enough, it just sounds like crap to me. Perhaps i will see it differently in the future. But right now all I see is the pain that loving me has brought.
If you ever read this blog, I want you to know that I cannot justify what i did yesterday, and I cannot justify the pains I have brought anew, but I am really sorry that I brought such misery into your life. I am really sorry that you are going through this hell on earth. I am really sorry that I crept in and complicated your life. I am really sorry that loving me has become a burden, almost a curse. Every part of me is screaming to take away your pain, to do something that will make it all go away. But I am only human, with no answers still. I am helpless in this matter, totally helpless, hating the fact that I am so helpless. If I could go back, I would stay away from you, because loving me cannot be worth all this misery.

From a very truth point of view, I learn the true meaning of pain anew.

Broken (2)

24th June 2010
It’s funny how we go through many different phases. How we feel one thing one minute, then feel something totally different the next minute. Trying to go back to what you felt before is hard sometimes, and trying to not feel what you feel is probably impossible.
Feelings. They can be a real burden. Emotions. Sometimes I wish I did not have any, that I was cold and calculating, that I could stop myself from feeling whenever I wanted to. Times like now for instance.
What did I do? I sent both of us back 50 miles. But I could not help it. I wanted to go, one more time, hoping in some silly part of my mind that I could look him in the eye and somehow relieve this pain. How utterly wrong I was.
I am just a girl. In love with a boy. Why does that have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to involve truck-loads of pain?
Because life is such an arse sometimes. Because there are rules. Because there is chemistry. And ultimately, because there is God.
I went today, tried his strength and his will power. I can’t promise you, dear non-existent followers, that I won’t go back again. I feel like I’m almost at the point where I can do just about anything.
One of the reasons why I love him so much, is that he is so darn sensible. He thinks, no matter how much he is hurting, he thinks. What kind of man is he? His love is probably purer than mine, more selfless. I just want to be with him. Why is that so impossible? I want him to be okay, really I do. I want to take away all his pain. I want to see him happy. I want this to be a bad dream that I will awaken from, and everything will be alright again.
I don’t trust myself. I laid my heart at his feet today. I want to be able to talk to him, about the little inconsequential things.
I want my love back.

class of 10 (part 1)

Today was pretty awesome. We won the Deans cup in the faculty for the fourth time in a row... how cool is that?totally amazing i'll tell you.
The entire experience, from the anxiety when the opposing team almost scored, to the goals we scored...the way we all come together to cheer and support is just really awesome. i imagine how far we would go if we could come together with one voice like this. it's funny how football seems to be the most unifying factor these days, where people who hardly talk, or probably never will after the event will stand as one to cheer and scream for the teams they love. speaking of love, i really have come to love our football team, as in, who wouldn't? the haters definately,but that is their loss. our footballers work hard,as a team, and they kick some major ass. and even though there were some scary times, they still did not disappoint.
The class of 2010 has been one with way too much drama, but i hope at the end of the day we can refrain form conflicts and more embarrassing situations.
In the meantime, go class of 10...we totally rock! *singing* four years don waka, we still dey carry go, nobody waka, nobody go solo, Baba God o,na your grace o,by your grace o, a dupe o...

why?

I'm hurting myself. I sit here, and i am generally pulling my hair out, metaphorically that is...
what is up with me? why do i keep doing this? who am i really? some weak girl who breaks at the first sight of trouble? Did i ever have any strength, or was i fooling myself all the while? Am i really any different, or am i just the same content in different skin? i dont get myself anymore. I'm wallowing in weakness and utter silliness, and i feel stuck. where is the fight? where are you kemi? surely this cannot be me. there has to be some fight left, somewhere..anywhere...
For the past how many days, i've been in front of my computer, chattering away to myself, thinking about how no one else will probably ever see this, or maybe some bored soul will stumble upon it sometime.
this is very embarrasing, utterly ridiculous,,,human, but ridiculous.
God, i know You can hear me, see me, feel my pain. Pls, somehow, help me.

Still sad, still broken.

trying my hands on poetry...

Trying my hands on poetry
Feeling from deep within
Wondering for a long time, when did this all begin?
I led myself to a place, a very deep place
With so much love to offer, so much love to give.
My mind slowly took it in, my soul embraced it
My heart broke through barriers and wove itself through it
Then suddenly the truth dawns, that truth that has been knocking
Let me be! Let me be! Spare me all the agony
I want my love, my heart, my companion
The only one that has become my heart’s champion
I want to love him, to care for him, teach him
Show him everything that together we can be
But this Truth, this Force, this Light, this Fire
Burns at my conscience, threatens my desire
I don’t want to let go, I wont let go,
I don’t want to be broken, to the depths of my very soul
But let go I must, the truth I must face
Must shatter this bond that I don’t want to break
Can I do this, can I leave?
Can I walk away from all the joy you bring?
here I am now, here I stand, aching for that love that some never have
will I ever have it again, will I ever be whole,
will I ever feel the beat of my wounded soul?
will I remain hurt, longing, craving
For my City Love, my missing fabric
Of one thing I am sure, of this I am certain
This beat of my heart,will never be silenced.

Living again.

21st June 2010. 12:04p.m.

Today, I think I made some progress. Was able to keep my mind focused enough to talk to God, and I hope it’ll only get better.
I’ve been doing okay, just okay. Two or three nights ago, i was dreaming about it, kind of, and I woke up feeling ...bla. As in really, can I not have my dreams to myself again? I’m working on it. Working on getting my life back together. Baby steps though.
We were supposed to have 2 tests today, thankfully they did not hold, cos I was like half ready for one, and quarter ready for the other. Its amazing how very soon I will no longer be kemi the undergraduate. Will soon be kemi, the graduate. Am I totally psyched about this? Not particularly. Maybe because I don’t see what the hype is all about. Maybe cos with all the stress of school, I kind of enjoy it... boring lectures, not-so-boring lecturers, registration, frustrated middle-aged men and women, the suffering, the fun, the laughs. It’s all part of the process, and I am an ardent believer in enjoying the process. Maybe sometime soon, when I am able, I will analyse my journey through this school, the changes in me, the lessons and all that. But write now, there are many things i’ll rather not be thinking about at the moment. What I do need to think about, is my project, staring me in the face, reminding me of the deadline, and urging me to put in a truck load of work. By God’s grace, it will all pay off.
Living again just might be okay...baby step by baby step.

thoughts...

16^th June 2010. 9.50p.m

Its another dark night in the hall. Tired of wondering about what is up with the power supply. But darkness means boredom, and boredom means bad thoughts. Thoughts I really should not be thinking about. My trip to and from camp was good, at least traffic-wise. But in my head, it was a totally different story. My thoughts were cruel to me, reminding me of things, suggesting things. Or maybe it was just me being cruel to myself. But right now, sitting on my bed, my chest feeling funny, I cant decide if I should examine these thoughts or not. Of note is my eating pattern of late. I have been having way too much chocolate, I’m even tired of the stuff..at least for now. I’ve been eating a lot, spending money I really shouldn’t be spending. I definitely need to get grip before I totally clean myself out.

I wonder to myself, what is happening to me? When did I become like this, sad and pitiable? God says if you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. That must mean my strength is -10. Problem is, I cant seem to focus enough to search for the strength. My attention span seems awfully short these days, and its kind of worrisome.

MS has been real supportive, helpful and wotnot. But some of the messages I’ve been getting are ringing tiny bells in my head. Its probably nothing, and I sincerely hope it is nothing, but I’ll like to be extra careful, I would definitely not want to get myself into that kind of sticky situation.

Speaking of sticky, I also need to learn to keep my overly affectionate hands to myself. Apparently a meaningless touch or squeeze is being misconstrued by some, like how the class people are asking questions about me and GB. For the safety and sanity of CH as well, I can like to reduce all the contact.

But that’s that. I’m just trying to live. Its funny, I wonder if I’ll ever be okay, and forget all this. But a part of me does not want to forget. Honestly, a part of me still holds on, hoping against hope that everything will work out, that this will turn out good, that the sincere hope I expressed to my dear friend enny will be a reality.

I can only hope, and pray that this hope will not be the death of me.

Broken.

The time has finally come.

I should be reading for my possible jurisprudence test, or trying to work on my project. But instead, I’m typing. Putting down thoughts that I have been too scared to face for weeks. I’m not even certain that I can face them now, but there is something that pushes my fingers to try, to pour out my thoughts before they elude me again, to chronicle this time of my life so that hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to read it and smile.

The last few weeks of my life have been the very worst that I have experienced in all my years on this earth. I have experienced the intricacies of the feeling of heartbreak. Yes, my heart has been broken, and I don’t know how to put it together again. I have doubted the very foundations of who I am, what I believe, what I am about. I have been hurt, cried, been desperate, broken. I try so hard to understand why, how, for what purpose, but my sight fails me, and I don’t have any answers. I lost my City Love, whom I knew that I loved, but did not fully get the extent of that love till I lost it. My heart has gone from being broken, to trying desperately not to care. I don’t even know how to keep a real connection with my Lord anymore, because I wallow in the pits of brokenness. Yes, that is what I am, broken. So broken that I cannot see the point of all this. Or maybe I don’t want to. Maybe it hurts too much. Maybe I don’t care.

I doubt I will be able to fully explain this now, but this is as far as I will go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be clearer. Hopefully.

15^th June 2010. 10.30p.m