Broken (2)

24th June 2010
It’s funny how we go through many different phases. How we feel one thing one minute, then feel something totally different the next minute. Trying to go back to what you felt before is hard sometimes, and trying to not feel what you feel is probably impossible.
Feelings. They can be a real burden. Emotions. Sometimes I wish I did not have any, that I was cold and calculating, that I could stop myself from feeling whenever I wanted to. Times like now for instance.
What did I do? I sent both of us back 50 miles. But I could not help it. I wanted to go, one more time, hoping in some silly part of my mind that I could look him in the eye and somehow relieve this pain. How utterly wrong I was.
I am just a girl. In love with a boy. Why does that have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to involve truck-loads of pain?
Because life is such an arse sometimes. Because there are rules. Because there is chemistry. And ultimately, because there is God.
I went today, tried his strength and his will power. I can’t promise you, dear non-existent followers, that I won’t go back again. I feel like I’m almost at the point where I can do just about anything.
One of the reasons why I love him so much, is that he is so darn sensible. He thinks, no matter how much he is hurting, he thinks. What kind of man is he? His love is probably purer than mine, more selfless. I just want to be with him. Why is that so impossible? I want him to be okay, really I do. I want to take away all his pain. I want to see him happy. I want this to be a bad dream that I will awaken from, and everything will be alright again.
I don’t trust myself. I laid my heart at his feet today. I want to be able to talk to him, about the little inconsequential things.
I want my love back.