Broken (4)

Not again...
Aww shucks! Its looking like it’s gonna be another long evening... Am I going to cry myself to sleep this time? Or will I just cry and not sleep?
I have finals in less than two months. I have not read anything. My project is nowhere near finished. It is only by the grace of God that I will finish with that upper. How am I going to do this? Why now? My mind is mocking me. Everything seems to be going awry.
I remember a song from little red riding hood. It was the wolf that sang it. He said the man without a heart, is the luckiest of men, because his heart cannot be broken again. I need solace. I need to get a grip on myself. Right now, I am stewing in misery. The feeling is so strong, I just have to put it down. I have never felt the need for anyone in my entire life, like I feel it now. One failed relationship. Will I lose my school work too? I cannot sleep. I have no appetite. I feel like I’m going crazy almost, because I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hear him say ‘hey sunshine...’ i just want to hear his ringtone and his lovely voice on the other end of the line. What is he doing now? Is he happy? Is he safe? Is he watching a t.v show, or chatting with a friend? Is he listening to John Mayer, or Coltrane? Has he had dinner? Has he gotten his stuff from school? How’s his grey hair? What are his plans for the week? Does he hate me? Is he drowning his pain in something, anything? Is he feeling any pain at all? Or has he successfully blocked me out like a bad memory? Is he getting along with his dad? What scent does he wear now? Will I ever see him again? Will he ever smile at me, hug me, hold me again?
All I have are memories. Memories that hang on to me, torment me, leave me grieving. I can’t see the sun right now. I can’t see much of anything right now. Just pain. Tons and tons of pain.
I don’t want to go off the deep end. But I am driving the knife deeper into the wound. I am bleeding out. My insides are screaming with the pain of it. I want my love back. I want to be free.