thoughts...

16^th June 2010. 9.50p.m

Its another dark night in the hall. Tired of wondering about what is up with the power supply. But darkness means boredom, and boredom means bad thoughts. Thoughts I really should not be thinking about. My trip to and from camp was good, at least traffic-wise. But in my head, it was a totally different story. My thoughts were cruel to me, reminding me of things, suggesting things. Or maybe it was just me being cruel to myself. But right now, sitting on my bed, my chest feeling funny, I cant decide if I should examine these thoughts or not. Of note is my eating pattern of late. I have been having way too much chocolate, I’m even tired of the stuff..at least for now. I’ve been eating a lot, spending money I really shouldn’t be spending. I definitely need to get grip before I totally clean myself out.

I wonder to myself, what is happening to me? When did I become like this, sad and pitiable? God says if you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. That must mean my strength is -10. Problem is, I cant seem to focus enough to search for the strength. My attention span seems awfully short these days, and its kind of worrisome.

MS has been real supportive, helpful and wotnot. But some of the messages I’ve been getting are ringing tiny bells in my head. Its probably nothing, and I sincerely hope it is nothing, but I’ll like to be extra careful, I would definitely not want to get myself into that kind of sticky situation.

Speaking of sticky, I also need to learn to keep my overly affectionate hands to myself. Apparently a meaningless touch or squeeze is being misconstrued by some, like how the class people are asking questions about me and GB. For the safety and sanity of CH as well, I can like to reduce all the contact.

But that’s that. I’m just trying to live. Its funny, I wonder if I’ll ever be okay, and forget all this. But a part of me does not want to forget. Honestly, a part of me still holds on, hoping against hope that everything will work out, that this will turn out good, that the sincere hope I expressed to my dear friend enny will be a reality.

I can only hope, and pray that this hope will not be the death of me.