Broken.

The time has finally come.

I should be reading for my possible jurisprudence test, or trying to work on my project. But instead, I’m typing. Putting down thoughts that I have been too scared to face for weeks. I’m not even certain that I can face them now, but there is something that pushes my fingers to try, to pour out my thoughts before they elude me again, to chronicle this time of my life so that hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to read it and smile.

The last few weeks of my life have been the very worst that I have experienced in all my years on this earth. I have experienced the intricacies of the feeling of heartbreak. Yes, my heart has been broken, and I don’t know how to put it together again. I have doubted the very foundations of who I am, what I believe, what I am about. I have been hurt, cried, been desperate, broken. I try so hard to understand why, how, for what purpose, but my sight fails me, and I don’t have any answers. I lost my City Love, whom I knew that I loved, but did not fully get the extent of that love till I lost it. My heart has gone from being broken, to trying desperately not to care. I don’t even know how to keep a real connection with my Lord anymore, because I wallow in the pits of brokenness. Yes, that is what I am, broken. So broken that I cannot see the point of all this. Or maybe I don’t want to. Maybe it hurts too much. Maybe I don’t care.

I doubt I will be able to fully explain this now, but this is as far as I will go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be clearer. Hopefully.

15^th June 2010. 10.30p.m