why?

I'm hurting myself. I sit here, and i am generally pulling my hair out, metaphorically that is...
what is up with me? why do i keep doing this? who am i really? some weak girl who breaks at the first sight of trouble? Did i ever have any strength, or was i fooling myself all the while? Am i really any different, or am i just the same content in different skin? i dont get myself anymore. I'm wallowing in weakness and utter silliness, and i feel stuck. where is the fight? where are you kemi? surely this cannot be me. there has to be some fight left, somewhere..anywhere...
For the past how many days, i've been in front of my computer, chattering away to myself, thinking about how no one else will probably ever see this, or maybe some bored soul will stumble upon it sometime.
this is very embarrasing, utterly ridiculous,,,human, but ridiculous.
God, i know You can hear me, see me, feel my pain. Pls, somehow, help me.

Still sad, still broken.