diz and dat...

Unbelievable...
So i am able to wake up early in the morning. In a wonderfully air-conditioned room. After lounging all evening, it’s time to work. Then I realise I forgot one of my tools for the trade. Why? It’s not fair...now I can’t do anything on that subject until morning...*sigh*
It’s not all bad though. The weekend has started on an interesting note. I’m spending it out of school...and not at home. It’s a new trend I seem to have developed because it would appear that the change of environment and ‘delectable company’ does quite a bit of good. I have a short time left in my school experience anyway. Might as well enjoy it.
I began my law-school registration process. Had an interesting run-in with one of the supposedly top-notch banks in Nigeria. Trust me, there was nothing top-notch about it! Maybe it’s just the branch, but the place resembled a market-square in the 70’s. Their payment system was terribly disorganised, and it was a blessing to just ‘do and get out’. At least I’m good with step one. Now i need to consult with my friends about step two.
I’m not feeling very sleepy at the moment, though that may change when my head hits the pillow.
I need to do something. Like i need some real-time positive action. It is so important to me that for the next two months, I make some form of impact in my own life. Failure to do this will make me unhappy. So...any ideas?

fun timez...

24/07/2010.
Fun Day.
That’s the best way to describe today. For the first time in a really long time, I actually had fun. Its not like anything gen gen happened. I just went for a wedding, my toes were numb in my heels, had to stand a while before I got a seat, the food was rather small.
But I had mad fun.
My friends and I went to the church. It was a somewhat long service, and I could not wait for the priest to stop talking. But when he finally did, I danced a lot, in my heels! I was so proud of myself, still am. For someone with so little experience, I did not land flat on my face. Thanks be to Jehovah.
Afterwards, we started the journey to the reception, with a cool girl I just met from covenant that is Dee’s friend. Did I mention that I saw many familiar faces? My sister’s friend, my secondary school principal, (made sure she did not see me, or I did not appear to have seen her...too much drama where she’s concerned!), my pastor, old school mates... at the rate I was going, I would not have been shocked if I saw my Pa! (though he would probably have been shocked to see me, the way I was apparelled and stuff). I also forgot to mention that there were these two people sitting in front of us, an elderly man and a much younger lady. I was wondering to myself if she was his daughter, or his wife, the way they were carrying on. Well, I got an answer, and it was his wife! Crazy stuff, I tell you.
So we finally got to the reception, and the place was full! Bear in mind, we were kind of early, because many more people trooped in after us. We finally found spaces here and there, and I got to sit at a table with good viewing of the couple and stuff. I also got a good view of people, and a tiny glimpse of the world of the ‘high and mighty’... sort of. You see, lets just say the father of the groom is quite a mouthed somebody. His guests were no ordinary people, from chairmen of banks, governor’s wives, sha popular popular people. You know the old man and the young lady, turns out that he is the chairman of this big car company, and that was his new wife! Very amusing stuff. I had great fun just watching people. Girls in short dresses fronting like there’s no tomorrow, fresh boys feeling fresh and drinking like fishes, it was just so fascinating. I must pause at this point and emphasize the freshness of those boys. I can’t remember the last time I saw so many fine boys in one place! That certainly added to the experience. Then I got to talk to S.N, my class mate from long ago. My, has he grown into a strapping young man! Hopefully, we’ll get to hang out sometime.
The food was good, oriental is what they called it. Lots to drink, and I particularly enjoyed this fruity ice- cold thing they served in very tall glasses. Was fun to knock it down! There was candy, which I was not quick enough to grab, and the wedding favours were so cute! Money sure makes a lot of sense, as my newest friend said.
I cannot not talk about the couple, since they were the reason for all the senrenren. They were very lovely together, looked really nice. The brides dress was not shabby at all, a little too open for my taste, but I cant deny its prettiness. They had the couples dance- beautiful, couples kiss- romantic... makes you wanna just get married, but I’m so not into that at the mo! I just really hope that they are as happy as they look, and their marriage is the forever kind.
Now, I try to save the juiciest bit for the last. I think it would have been against some law somewhere if I looked as good as I did and left without meeting some guy. I try to be law-abiding, and I so did not disappoint! It was a fun conversation, because i could tell that when he heard of my school and stuff, he got a little reserved, you know, the ‘unilag girl’ mentality. But when he saw that I was not really interested in whatever money he might have and I was more interested in the stories of his very dramatic work-place, I think he relaxed a bit. Was nice because I think I made some impression, if his sadness at my leaving was anything to go by. Anyways, there’s no way for him to contact me or vice-versa, which is good, but I’m glad I made a new friend... or at least a new acquaintance.
In the meantime, I’m hungry! Need to get food, use meds, prepare for church, for Monday’s seminar, go to sleep, dream of my super-fun day...
Thank you Lord... for everything.

fading away...

The death of me as i have known...me.
I am not sure if that phrase makes any sense, but it’s what I want to write, what appeals to me at the mo.
I can feel it happening. I was hoping that I would not be scarred by this experience, but I think it’s just me hoping. And I have hoped for too long. I am tired of hoping. The Bible says something about hope deferred making the heart sick. I’m not quite sure of the state of my heart at the mo.
What I do know, is that this present state, this stance he has chosen, perhaps for noble reasons, this status quo, has done, is doing things to me. To my consciousness, my psyche. It may be the consequence of my actions, the result of past decisions, stupid ones. But the result is really something. It is like a perpetual feeling of hurt. It’s like a barricade of sorts. When I close my eyes, when I drift into slumber, I can pretend not to feel it. But when the day breaks, and reality dawns bright, it’s there, staring me in the face. I did not think that any part of this situation could bring me more pain than I have been experiencing. But this...it’s a whole new dimension.
Sometimes my stubborn heart still tries to cling to the tiniest ray of hope, that perhaps something will happen. Perhaps a lone ring, or a beep, something. But soon, this heart will learn, that hoping does not change much.
All the reasons are present...somewhere. Sometimes they flutter through my consciousness. But the reason does not change the feeling. It does not change the pain. It does not change the hurt that i felt, and still feel, every time I think of the yelling. It is still there, as plain as day, and as painful as pain itself.
It does not matter the reason for the killing, or that it was an accidental discharge. It does not matter if it was self-defence, or an act done at the spur of the moment. it does not change the fact that the death occurred. Not my words, but his.
Kemi, as I have known her, as you have known her, is fading away, day by day.

Dear God...

My insides are twisted, aching, uncomfortable. i feel like i want to run away, from my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. it's like i'm held down by thoughts which i cannot see, which torment me at every chance they get. My tears are not coordinated. They are ragged, tormented, broken. i'm backed in a corner, and i can't seem to get out. I don't know how much of this i can take.
what is the matter? Lord, i'm sure you know, but i'll tell you anyway.
i'm in love with a boy. In a way and manner that i never thought possible. I love him with all my heart. I cannot stop thinking about him. I care for him more than i have ever cared for anything in my life. I love him, everything about him. he is not conventional you see, but i have come to adore his frame. His height, weight, build, has become a benchmark for me. it has become what i want. Nothing else seems good enough. I love his voice, his eyes, his hands. i love the way he used to look at me, talk to me, care for me. i love him in sickness, i love him in pain, i love him in his weakness, i rejoice in his strength. i love to see him happy, i love to hold him close. i love him, love him, love him. love him.

Now you have an idea, the tiniest idea of what it is that i feel. Things have happened. Some sort of reality check that has scattered life like i know it. Now i am being told that i have to leave him. i am being told that i have to walk away from the things that have become part of my heart. How am i supposed to do it? How am i supposed to live without him? How can i not care about him, not hear his voice everyday? how do i live my life not knowing how he is doing? I don't know how to do it! i don't! how do you ask me to cut off such an important part of my life?
What's worse, he is ignoring me. he does not want to talk to me anymore.reply my messages, read my mails. he is blanking me out, and it hurts like hell.
i am in pain. the kind of pain that has lasted for months. i dont know how to get out of it. i am doing crazy things. i am losing my shame. i am belittling myself.

i need him back. in some way and manner. i need him back. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how.

Dear God, please...

broken (6)

Am I normal?
I don’t mean normal in the regular sense of it, because I know that I am not, and I love it that way. But I mean normal, like those ordinary processes that apply to human beings. For instance, the normal human being does not like pain. When he encounters pain, he fights to survive, and to make sure he avoids it as much as possible.
So why then am I different? Why is it that i cannot seem to leave the place where i am humiliated, yelled at, ignored? Why do I keep going back to begging, pleading for an almost impossible situation? How can it be that the happiest time I have experienced has been in the middle of a hug at the bus stop? Why is it that I go to that place without a particular aim, knowing it might not end well, but seeing his face just seems so much more important?
I am tired of talking to people. Because nobody really knows how I feel. All they can do is try to help, forecast, give advice. It’s like people looking in from the outside, telling me what they think. But it is not really helping, because there is nothing they say that I don’t already know. The issue is not knowing, but doing.
The real issue seems to be that I don’t know how to go about doing this. I don’t know how to not care. I don’t know how to. It’s not that i don’t want to . The good Lord knows that i am tired of all this pain. That I have so much at stake. But I don’t know how. I am not built to love and then stop loving. To care and then stop caring. I am not built for break ups. I don’t know how they are done.
I’ve got that just-can’t-be-without-him kind of love. The kind that makes one hug brighten up my world. The one where I need to hear his voice. The one that makes me do crazy things, and feel crazy things.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Gratitude.

Gratitude.
I’m in a state of... something. Not sure how to define it really. I am trying to come to terms with the present situation. I am trying to allow the realities sink in. I am trying to remind myself of the things that make me me. The ultimate source of power is God, and He deposits it in men. So lets say I have subsidiary sources. Like my mother. Like my little sister. Like those little things around me, that remind me. I am trying to move on, like he said I needed to.
I realised something today. For a while now, I have not been able to make right decisions on my own, not really. I realised that if it was up to me, I would not be here right now. In fact, I would most likely be worse off. She was right. I could have done so much worse with the man i fell in love with. He could have been a Hobbesan man: nasty, brutish and short. He could have taken my affections and torn them to shreds. He could have used me and left me distraught and broken. But instead, I got him. I got someone that actually, really truly cares. I got a sensible man. I got real love.
I am eternally grateful to God, for being so merciful to me. Because it has to be an act of mercy that it was him, not someone else, that God helped him to be him. Surely God was looking out for me. I don’t know how else I can explain it.
I am grateful to him. For being himself. For making good choices, for really, truly, sincerely loving me.
My conversation with Le Beau clarified some things. It did not give me any quick-fix solutions (I’m beginning to think there are no quick-fix solutions to anything in this life, not really anyway), but he helped clear some doubts. You see, I doubted him, doubted his openness, felt like he was holding things back from me. But maybe he was not hiding. Maybe it was just a part of himself that I did not need to see at the time, because it is not the real him. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but Le Beau said something about how his best came out around me. So maybe that part is a function of bad association, bad habits, bad experience, and loads of hurt.
I have doubted myself too. Doubted whether I had some real impact in his life. Doubted whether I changed his life as remarkably as he changed mine. I have wondered about stuff, , and i still don’t have the answers. I can’t think too deeply, because if I do, I will begin to hurt again, more than I can manage at the moment.
So, I will try to take good advice. I will be sensible in my ways. I will let him grow, and evolve and realise. I will let God have His way.
Just so you know, you are one of the best things that ever happened to me too.

End of the default mode.

In my life, there are some battles i have been spared from because some other people fought them for me. Some fights that i did not have to face because someone else had toiled and suffered so that i would not have to suffer. I guess that makes me blessed in areas that others have to struggle with. It also put me in a default mode, a place where i did not have to struggle much with what was right and what was wrong. At least not until now.
Default mode is over. I am learning, the hard way, that i am as human as the next person. I cannot fully understand the backgrounds of other people, the mistakes of some, the humanity of everyone. But i am learning.Learning that everyone, almost no one is like me. We have different backgrounds, yes, but we do have a common humanity. I am learning a lot these days.

God says that those who honor Him will be honored, but those who dishonor Him will be disdained. I have dishonored God in many ways in the past weeks. I have said things, done things that are directly against His will. I have gone on a voyage of discovery on my own, which has led me into a lot of discomfort. I have been a hearing Christian, a thinking-about-it Christian, just not a doing Christian, which is what really counts. I have dubbed myself savior without even realizing. i have forgotten that it is only God that changes people, not anything i do or say, because i am only human, like everybody else. i assume that God is a quick-fix kind of God, where i mess up, then trouble comes along, i run to Him, then run back out. I have forgotten that he honors those who honor Him. i have forgotten alot of things.
Someone fought many battles so that i will not have to fight, and i will try to do the same for my own children, but there are battles of my own that i must contend with.The enemy within that i must defeat. There are things i must discover, there are heights i must reach. Everyone will give account of himself to God.

All this nonsense has got to stop.

Forgive me Father, for i have sinned.

I hope I was able to salvage the situation I created. I went on a rather insightful visit today. I learnt quite a bit. And I did what I said I would, I contacted 'him'.
Choice. That’s what it is. Choice. Sometimes we choose to do things because they feel good. Sometimes because we honestly do no believe that there is any other way. Sometimes it’s because we feel like we do not have the power to do anything else. But there’s always a choice. So maybe I need to start making good choices, not because they feel good. But because they are right.
I also learnt that you can never fully know a person, not in the space of two years anyways and not if they don’t want you to fully know them. But you can find out some things, some by looking at them, some by talking to them. I did not know everything about him, and it still hurts that there are some things that I still do not know, that he did not share. But there are also things that I do know. Like how strong a person I got. How considerate. How terribly human, and how much of a thinker he is. I really do appreciate that. But then knowing someone is not a one way street. And everyone does have a choice. Even the ‘simple’ people with seemingly no experience with complications. Some just appear simple, but have things buried deep within, waiting for the right time to dig it up or just leave it be.
In the meantime, I have a good deed to carry out. I have lots of work to do. I have a mind I need to set straight. I have a body I need to take care of. I Have a God that I need to talk to.
It really is time to move on. Hopefully, I will sleep tonight, and some secrets will sleep with me, remaining buried in the deepest recesses of my mind.

Back to square zero.

Is there any such thing as square zero? you know, that point that is worse than square one. Cos if there is, that's where i've been hanging out 4 a while. At least in square one i was not acting like a crazy person. In square one i was not in this much physical pain. In square one i did not feel like someone was trying hard to suck the life out of me. So yeah, when you think you are back to square one, do remember, there is always some place worse!
I heard about a girl who prophesied during the hall week. Something about God being disappointed with this generation and this campus, and how He was gonna punish the campus. Funny thing is, someone else had said something similar before. Then there was the prophecy at the beginning of the year, about how youths should be careful of the company they keep and going out at night. Pretty scary stuff, considering the fact that my spirituality is not much to write home about at the moment. But then who can blame the Lord? we are a pretty messed up generation. We take so many things for granted, screw everything screwable, and we reserve God for sundays, between 9-12, not even the whole day. Hopefully we will get a wake up call sooner rather than later, because banking on later is not the safest gamble...anything can happen.
Right now, i don't feel good. Yesterday was particularly horrible. Today, perhaps slightly better. I have compounded my issues by talking too much, saying hurtful things that reflect what i have been feeling.

Someone told me to try to look forward to that time when this pain will end, or at least subside. Someone else suggested that i get myself a re-bound boyfriend. Funny thing, i got a very eager volunteer today. It was very amusing how willing he was, and how slightly tempted i am. Only slightly though...at least i hope so.
In the meantime, my project deadline will not shift with my mood. Neither will tommorrow's possible test (which i am not ready for) waver on my account.

Loving me was a responsibility, you once told me. You have no idea how true that is.

Never again.

A little while ago, as i was walking down the road, i tried to focus on all the sights and sounds around me. To enjoy the sound of the moving vehicles, people chattering, the blaring horns, the swishing leaves. Because those sounds gave me more peace than my thoughts.
i have realized that things are not always as they seem.And people are not always what you believe them to be, and as for yourself, well, you just might wake up tommorrow and be shocked.

Yesterday, i felt like i was dying. Literally, like my body was doing strange things, not listening to my instructions. My mind was not in a much better place, because i felt so horribly twisted, so bent out of shape. it's the kind of feeling that cannot really be explained. In my pain, i reached out to the one person who promised to always be there, and he was not. I am still amazed at how easy it is for him to ignore, to decide that it does not mean a thing, to read those words and continue with his life, like all is right with the world.
i used to fancy myself as one with some kind of influence, some sort of impact. Apparently i had little or no impact in this case, as it was quite easy to turn away.

One thing is sure though, that as long as i remain, i will never let anyone have this kind of power over me again. the kind that can leave me feeling so helpless, leave me aching for just one word.
i gave you that power, and when i needed you the most, you threw it in my face.

Never again.

...

Oops! I did it again.

Blog number 24. Dedicated to stupid decisions, silly reasons, bad consequences.
Dear diary,
I have done it again. You know that bad habit i told you about? I’m there again. And literally, its breaking me up. Health wise, mind wise, everything wise. Once upon a time, there was one person who reined it in, without really knowing that he did. He is not here anymore, and I am doing horribly on my own. I thought today if he would care if my heart was closing up. I really can’t find too much inspiration to stay away from that which can kill me. But day by day, the more I do it, the more dangerous it gets, the more weakened I am.
I have no appetite at the moment. I have had real food only once in three days. If this is not a sign of a problem, what is? Perhaps it’s my back, my throat, my chest, speaking to me, crying out that I should stop before I actually bring an end to all this. Or before I totally wreck my system. It would appear that I have a knack for torturing myself. It’s crazy, because usually people want to stay clear of torture, not open the door and walk right into it.
That little pep talk we had, did not do much. But right now, I am on a path which only you can put an end to. And I am not even joking.
The lady is losing it. Cheers.

Thinking.

So I did not break down after all. Thanks be to God. I had only garri yesterday, and I’ve had only bits of bread today.
But that’s beside the point.
I have been thinking. Heck, that’s all I’ve been doing for a while now.
As I go through the days, as I try to lay aside sadness and focus, I’m starting to see things clearly. Bit by bit.
You know how some people know what they want to do with themselves once they are out of school? Like they have a career plan and life plan and stuff. Well, I’m not one of those people. However, when I saw my role model yesterday (yes, I have a role model now!) some things started to click. I won’t be telling you all of it though. There are some things that have to happen first before you talk about them, you know? But I’m starting to get a slight idea of the kind of career person I want to be. And I have put the wheels in motion to achieve it, so help me God.
I realised another thing today. When I grow up and Lord willing, I have children (with a husband of course!), I would love for my babies (they will still be my babies when they turn 25) to be able to talk to me. Tell me anything. Good, bad and ugly if necessary. I realised how important it is to me to be as open as possible. Maybe its because right now I cannot be totally open with certain people about the stuff I’m going through, and I don’t want my future family like that. I want my babies, husband inclusive, to be able to cry on my shoulder, to tell me those things that really hurt them, and for me to be able to do the same.
As for the husband, I’m not looking for tall, dark and handsome, or some crap like that. I Just want a guy that loves God. Because I figure that if he really loves God, everything else will be sorted. As for everything else, hmm... he has to be able to look in my eyes and really see me. He has to be able to scold me well, and through it all I still feel his love. He has to have good hands. His hands must get me. Sounds weird right? Maybe I’m just dreaming. It’s okay to dream. Dreaming never hurt anyone. Hopefully, I will read this blog with him one day. I will look into his eyes and smile, and he will smile right back.

Pep talk time.

Giving Kemi a pep talk...or something of the sort.
This babe, what in the world is wrong with you? Why are you so silly and unselfish at the times when you need to be self-centred? Yes, you heard me, Self- centred...you know, when it’s all about you. Now is the time. I’m not asking you to go around like a totally stewwpid gurl, giving people attitude and stuff. The kind of selfish you need to be, is the kind that realises that right now, it’s all about you. The things that matter to you. The things that are important to you. The things that will make you a better person. The things that you need. Does your Bible not command you to love your neighbour as you love yourself? No wonder you are screwing up so badly loving your neighbour, because you are so focused on what other people think and feel that you are breaking apart and disliking yourself.
So what if they make all the mistakes in the world? What if they get pregnant, get high, get drunk, wasted, stoned, polished, whatever? What if they break all the rules and develop their own? What if they say what they wanna, do what they wanna, and don’t give a shit? (pardon my french) So what if they screw up themselves and the whole world? So what? Na today? The world will go on, the sun will not stop shining, The leaves will not stop falling from the trees, and you will not get any shorter. So focus baby. Focus on what is important. And you know what that is? You. Because every man will give account of himself to God. Not of his sister, his mother, his friend, some girl or boy he really cares about...nope. Himself. It’s all about you now honey. Cos very soon it won’t be about just you no more.
Focus. And make Momma proud. You know you can...

*sigh*

i don't know what exactly i did...actually i have a clue. i was feeling adventurous, so i tried this igbo food, had some rice after, then topped it off with some chocolate. apparently it was a wrong combo.
That was yesterday. Today, i have not been able to eat, until this evening when i took garri. my stomach is revolting so badly, i simply cannot eat, and to top it off, my body is hurting...
Today was a day that turned really good because of one single event that happened... my bestest lawyer-person came around! i knew it was going to spice up the day, and i was not at all disappointed. i thank God for his life. The illness was serious, but it could have been much worse, and he seems better, though there are tell-tale signs. It is safe to say that in this profession of mine, i now have a role model. I was very inspired today, like very. I feel like there is a goal which i now have, and everyday i'm on the way to achieving it. God bless you lawyer-man!
With all that's going on in my life, you see why i cannot afford to be sick? I have to find a way to eat, so i can take the meds. but the eating is the biggest issue right now.

i sincerely hope that today was not just a blib, a feeling. i hope it is permanent. i hope it will be all about good results from here on out.
Wish me luck... wait,i don't believe in luck...wish me something good sha.

It’s the second of July. June is long gone, never coming back. Without too much thought, I know the first half of this year was not the greatest, and that’s putting it very mildly. So I’m thinking how this second half has to be better, because it’s too critical not to get better. I have a deadline. Two weeks. And I ain’t even a quarter through the work. God help me...
I want to do something ground breaking. I want to quit this habit that I have developed that is hurting me and other people...kind of. I don’t want to be 25 and look back on my 21st year and see only sadness and miserableness.
So I need to start moving. I need to start moving quick. Because there really is no time left. All that nonsense that I did in June, and May, I can’t carry them over. I want to make myself proud. Make God proud. Make him proud. Not that he will even know. Not that I will be able to call and tell him. Not that he would even ask. Hopefully, knowing that I did good will make me feel better.
I slept for a bit. Thank God I slept. I felt so horrid yesterday, I hope i don’t come down with anything. Now is certainly the worst time for that.
All is not gloomy though. My bestest lawyer-person is coming over today! When I heard, that brought an instant smile to my face. I mean how could it not? If you met him, (and you were not intimidated) you would understand why. He has been sick though, for a rather long period. Too long for comfort in fact. But he is doing better. I hope it’s nothing terminal. Hopefully at the end of the meeting, I’ll have something fun to blog about.
In the meantime, I’m going into work mode.
By the way, if you read this, and you know who you are, put up a blog already! We may not be on speaking/seeing/any kind of terms at the moment, but it don’t mean I don’t love your blogs. They are brilliant, and I’m still your biggest fan. So put one up!

Why do i suddenly feel sick? Aww mehn...