Gratitude.

Gratitude.
I’m in a state of... something. Not sure how to define it really. I am trying to come to terms with the present situation. I am trying to allow the realities sink in. I am trying to remind myself of the things that make me me. The ultimate source of power is God, and He deposits it in men. So lets say I have subsidiary sources. Like my mother. Like my little sister. Like those little things around me, that remind me. I am trying to move on, like he said I needed to.
I realised something today. For a while now, I have not been able to make right decisions on my own, not really. I realised that if it was up to me, I would not be here right now. In fact, I would most likely be worse off. She was right. I could have done so much worse with the man i fell in love with. He could have been a Hobbesan man: nasty, brutish and short. He could have taken my affections and torn them to shreds. He could have used me and left me distraught and broken. But instead, I got him. I got someone that actually, really truly cares. I got a sensible man. I got real love.
I am eternally grateful to God, for being so merciful to me. Because it has to be an act of mercy that it was him, not someone else, that God helped him to be him. Surely God was looking out for me. I don’t know how else I can explain it.
I am grateful to him. For being himself. For making good choices, for really, truly, sincerely loving me.
My conversation with Le Beau clarified some things. It did not give me any quick-fix solutions (I’m beginning to think there are no quick-fix solutions to anything in this life, not really anyway), but he helped clear some doubts. You see, I doubted him, doubted his openness, felt like he was holding things back from me. But maybe he was not hiding. Maybe it was just a part of himself that I did not need to see at the time, because it is not the real him. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but Le Beau said something about how his best came out around me. So maybe that part is a function of bad association, bad habits, bad experience, and loads of hurt.
I have doubted myself too. Doubted whether I had some real impact in his life. Doubted whether I changed his life as remarkably as he changed mine. I have wondered about stuff, , and i still don’t have the answers. I can’t think too deeply, because if I do, I will begin to hurt again, more than I can manage at the moment.
So, I will try to take good advice. I will be sensible in my ways. I will let him grow, and evolve and realise. I will let God have His way.
Just so you know, you are one of the best things that ever happened to me too.