fading away...

The death of me as i have known...me.
I am not sure if that phrase makes any sense, but it’s what I want to write, what appeals to me at the mo.
I can feel it happening. I was hoping that I would not be scarred by this experience, but I think it’s just me hoping. And I have hoped for too long. I am tired of hoping. The Bible says something about hope deferred making the heart sick. I’m not quite sure of the state of my heart at the mo.
What I do know, is that this present state, this stance he has chosen, perhaps for noble reasons, this status quo, has done, is doing things to me. To my consciousness, my psyche. It may be the consequence of my actions, the result of past decisions, stupid ones. But the result is really something. It is like a perpetual feeling of hurt. It’s like a barricade of sorts. When I close my eyes, when I drift into slumber, I can pretend not to feel it. But when the day breaks, and reality dawns bright, it’s there, staring me in the face. I did not think that any part of this situation could bring me more pain than I have been experiencing. But this...it’s a whole new dimension.
Sometimes my stubborn heart still tries to cling to the tiniest ray of hope, that perhaps something will happen. Perhaps a lone ring, or a beep, something. But soon, this heart will learn, that hoping does not change much.
All the reasons are present...somewhere. Sometimes they flutter through my consciousness. But the reason does not change the feeling. It does not change the pain. It does not change the hurt that i felt, and still feel, every time I think of the yelling. It is still there, as plain as day, and as painful as pain itself.
It does not matter the reason for the killing, or that it was an accidental discharge. It does not matter if it was self-defence, or an act done at the spur of the moment. it does not change the fact that the death occurred. Not my words, but his.
Kemi, as I have known her, as you have known her, is fading away, day by day.