Dear God...

My insides are twisted, aching, uncomfortable. i feel like i want to run away, from my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. it's like i'm held down by thoughts which i cannot see, which torment me at every chance they get. My tears are not coordinated. They are ragged, tormented, broken. i'm backed in a corner, and i can't seem to get out. I don't know how much of this i can take.
what is the matter? Lord, i'm sure you know, but i'll tell you anyway.
i'm in love with a boy. In a way and manner that i never thought possible. I love him with all my heart. I cannot stop thinking about him. I care for him more than i have ever cared for anything in my life. I love him, everything about him. he is not conventional you see, but i have come to adore his frame. His height, weight, build, has become a benchmark for me. it has become what i want. Nothing else seems good enough. I love his voice, his eyes, his hands. i love the way he used to look at me, talk to me, care for me. i love him in sickness, i love him in pain, i love him in his weakness, i rejoice in his strength. i love to see him happy, i love to hold him close. i love him, love him, love him. love him.

Now you have an idea, the tiniest idea of what it is that i feel. Things have happened. Some sort of reality check that has scattered life like i know it. Now i am being told that i have to leave him. i am being told that i have to walk away from the things that have become part of my heart. How am i supposed to do it? How am i supposed to live without him? How can i not care about him, not hear his voice everyday? how do i live my life not knowing how he is doing? I don't know how to do it! i don't! how do you ask me to cut off such an important part of my life?
What's worse, he is ignoring me. he does not want to talk to me anymore.reply my messages, read my mails. he is blanking me out, and it hurts like hell.
i am in pain. the kind of pain that has lasted for months. i dont know how to get out of it. i am doing crazy things. i am losing my shame. i am belittling myself.

i need him back. in some way and manner. i need him back. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how.

Dear God, please...