Broken (3)

It would appear that my days now begin at 3 in the morning. Because now I wake up and I can’t go back to sleep. My head hurts, my mouth tastes funny, and I get restless. So I decided this morning that a little torture might be appropriate, to commensurate this insomnic occasion. I look for my phone, my old companion who has been with me from the beginning, and I begin to read text messages. The whole wiping away all traces of a person- texts, pictures and wotnot is just rubbish, never works for me anyway. Apparently, marinating in pain and suffering is more appealing. Weird person I am.
Anyways, I go through the messages, and I began to remember things I should be trying to forget. But I know that I cannot forget. Something about trying to remember someone you never met. Its impossible like that. I tried everything. I prayed, tried to pray, cried, you know the works. And then I came to another depressing realisation. The one thing that will most likely totally break me, is if by some chance or way or method, I find out that he has been broken totally. If anything happens to him, I know that something will happen to me too. Because you see, what we have is not ordinary. It is nowhere near common. Its not even logical. That’s why this situation is so absurd. I think how two years ago we were living independent lives, now a part of me is dying because of him. How can a situation be so hopeless? How can there be absolutely no way? How can I live like this?
I heard somewhere that if you let your love go and it comes back, it is back to stay. I’m scared because I am still hoping. Very soon I will be too scared to hope. Every time I try to pre-empt God, I fall flat on my face. Because it never turns out the way I hope it would. So maybe if I don’t imagine how it might happen, it will not elude me again. These days I don’t really pray for myself anymore. When I can pray ,all I do is beg God on his behalf, that somehow God will reach him and help him in ways that I cannot.
He once said something about how I never ran from reality, no matter how hard, or maybe he did not say it. Seems like a stray memory wedged somewhere in my head. But I have never had to face a reality this difficult, this gut-wrenching. This reality haunts me day and night. It makes me weak with pain. This reality has taken my sleep, dulled my senses. This reality is ripping me apart.
God said He would not give us more than we can handle. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take.