From a very truthful point of view

25th June 2010
From a very truthful point of view
Its 4:46 in the morning, when normal human beings should be sleeping. But I’m up, feeling the signs of sickness creeping up, and feeling like the worst fool in the world.
Why do human beings refuse to think through their actions? Why are we, or rather why am I so controlled by emotion, that I don’t think about consequences?
I should not have gone there. It was an absolutely idiotic thing to do. Because the only thing I achieved was making things worse. I’m beginning to wonder if meeting me was not the worst thing that ever happened to him, because I am the focal point of all his misery at the moment.
I claim to love him, to really love him, but I break him down all the time. I break his resolve, his will, his efforts. From the very beginning, that’s all I’ve been doing without even trying. Chopping down all he has been trying to build, all in the name of love, or attraction, or some other stupid concept.
He said I had more than him. God. Good family. If that’s true, then I am begging this God, to please reach out to him in the depths of his misery, because I’m totally helpless in that venture.
Maybe I have been trying too hard. My friend told me, that no one can change another human being. But i certainly can make another person experience hell.
He said it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That was much easier to say when the loving was okay. Now that that isn't enough, it just sounds like crap to me. Perhaps i will see it differently in the future. But right now all I see is the pain that loving me has brought.
If you ever read this blog, I want you to know that I cannot justify what i did yesterday, and I cannot justify the pains I have brought anew, but I am really sorry that I brought such misery into your life. I am really sorry that you are going through this hell on earth. I am really sorry that I crept in and complicated your life. I am really sorry that loving me has become a burden, almost a curse. Every part of me is screaming to take away your pain, to do something that will make it all go away. But I am only human, with no answers still. I am helpless in this matter, totally helpless, hating the fact that I am so helpless. If I could go back, I would stay away from you, because loving me cannot be worth all this misery.

From a very truth point of view, I learn the true meaning of pain anew.