Again.

December 9. 21:28pm

Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.

Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...

Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?