reality

Reality unfolds...
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.

But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?

Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?

When will I be whole again? How will I live free?