Survival...

December 9. 4:55pm

Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.

I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.

I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.

I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.

Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.

Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.

Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.

And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...

Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.

To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.