Last day of school thoughts...

Hi. My name is Kemi. I'm a 21 year old Yoruba girl, will be 22 in nine days. Tall, not too shabby looking. I come from a nice family. I have a great mother. Here's my little story.

You see, I don't think of myself as extremely spectacular. I'm just a girl who has lived a good life by general standards. I ll attribute this largely to choices that some people made in their lifetime. But basically, God has been good to me.

I may not be overly extraordunary,but I'm not so ordinary either. Because of this, I have had my share of experiences, most of which have culminated into my present state of mind.

I have made some funny choices in my life. Choices that have hurt me sore, left me feeling unwanted, left me doubting my own self worth. No one should ever have to doubt their own worth, not for such a long time. No one should have to feel like they are not pretty enough,special enough or deserving enough. I guess sometimes its what life throws at us, but sometimes, its just not right.

So as I find myself in the above stated situations, wondering If I am not special enough to be fought for, to the point of actually considering leaving this earth and ending my pain, I begin to reflect on my life, the person that I am.

Finally, I realise that I am tired. I am so worn out. I actually feel like there is no strength left for me to try, to hold on. Everytime hope tries to creep into my heart, it brings in its wake a truck load of sorrow. I now wonder to myself, is this what love is about? Am I supposed to love a person till its the death of me? Am I not worth fighting for?

I have had two experiences of intense pain, one much deeper than the other. The first time, I felt seriously stupid for putting myself in such a shitty position. Like it had to have been the dumbest thing ever. At the end, it took a lot of time and distraction to get my head together. The second time was pain on a whole new level.

In conclusion? I'm tired of fighting, tired of trying. Tired of begging people to love me. Tired of hoping that someone thinks I'm worth the fight, that I'm worth waiting for. I'm tired of feeling like a shameless fool who is begging for love. I'm tired of making all the effort, and getting little or nothing in return.

I'm a girl aren't I? I have a beautiful body, a heart with too much love, a brain that works. I am a hard worker, I'm willing to make sacrifices. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Its time for a man who will appreciate me, to man-up and fight for me. Its high time a real man who knows my worth to step up. I'm just so tired of trying, and hoping, and getting disappointed. If you love me, fight for me.Show me I'm worth it. Because I am. I am worth it.