Reality unfolds...
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
pain redefined.
How do I explain the pain, raw and stark, that flows through my body? I don't think it can be expressed with words. I could try though...
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Reflections...
7 months down the line and I still feel as screwed up as the first day, perhaps even worse. Maybe because today was a special day, one of those days I've been dreading because I knew I would be painfully excluded. Perhaps that's why I feel like my world has still not regained its balance. If anything, I try desperately to be strong, to shake off the biting effects of those innuendos that tell me that someone else has been in that place I hoped was all mine. Maybe because I have now been smacked hard across the phase with the reality that his way and manner of dealing and living has absolutely no consideration for my life or my place in his. And now I wonder how much of this I can take, if this is all gonna pay off, if its all worth it.
Happy Birthday to you my dearest, I wish u all things beautiful, all things pure, all this great, all this wonderful.
Reflections from the pain in my heart, and the love in my soul.
Happy Birthday to you my dearest, I wish u all things beautiful, all things pure, all this great, all this wonderful.
Reflections from the pain in my heart, and the love in my soul.
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Oluboba Woman.
I hardly ever consider myself a woman. Sounds weird to me, and I just like to think of myself as a girl, or a lady, not a WOMAN...sounds like such a big word with big implications.
But sometimes, the realisation of who I am, or who I am becoming hits me. I'm not just any woman, I'm an Oluboba Woman. So here goes:
The Oluboba woman is strong. She works long and hard, for long periods, no matter how tired she may be.
The Oluboba woman is emotional. She hurts at the pain of others, is not ashamed to shed a tear.
She loves her man. Deeply and with all her soul. So deep that she will fight for him with her own blood.
The Oluboba woman is beautiful. Not the regular kind of beautiful, but the kind that when discovered, it cannot be ignored. Or forgotten.
The Oluboba woman can be unsure. Sometimes she thinks so highly of others and under estimates the worth in herself.
The Oluboba woman is contagious. She has a laugh that speaks, and a smile that brightens.
She is passionate, a deep, fiery passion that can only be satisfied by her match.
The Oluboba woman is modest. Under all that modesty, you will be shocked at what she's protecting.
The Oluboba woman fears God. She lives to please Him more.
The Oluboba woman is determined. If her heart is set on you, you better know it's set.
The Oluboba woman is brilliant, intelligent, creative, witty.
The Oluboba woman will fall, but she won't stay down.
I am an Oluboba woman, perhaps the proudest one yet.
But sometimes, the realisation of who I am, or who I am becoming hits me. I'm not just any woman, I'm an Oluboba Woman. So here goes:
The Oluboba woman is strong. She works long and hard, for long periods, no matter how tired she may be.
The Oluboba woman is emotional. She hurts at the pain of others, is not ashamed to shed a tear.
She loves her man. Deeply and with all her soul. So deep that she will fight for him with her own blood.
The Oluboba woman is beautiful. Not the regular kind of beautiful, but the kind that when discovered, it cannot be ignored. Or forgotten.
The Oluboba woman can be unsure. Sometimes she thinks so highly of others and under estimates the worth in herself.
The Oluboba woman is contagious. She has a laugh that speaks, and a smile that brightens.
She is passionate, a deep, fiery passion that can only be satisfied by her match.
The Oluboba woman is modest. Under all that modesty, you will be shocked at what she's protecting.
The Oluboba woman fears God. She lives to please Him more.
The Oluboba woman is determined. If her heart is set on you, you better know it's set.
The Oluboba woman is brilliant, intelligent, creative, witty.
The Oluboba woman will fall, but she won't stay down.
I am an Oluboba woman, perhaps the proudest one yet.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Love.
True. Love can be such a dangerous thing sometimes. It can tear you apart, leave you in pieces. It can hurt you, change your world as you know it. Love can push you to do the unthinkable.
Yes, Love can do all this. But then, Love is the most important force in life, afterall, God is love. Love conquers all. Depends on how you choose to see it really. I'm not talking about lust, or infatuation, or a fire that burns quickly, then burns out. I'm talking about Love, the kind the world knows nothing about, the kind that has seized my interest, occupied my life.
This love, I adopt, because I see no other way, nor do I desire or know any other way.
My love is imperfect, very. I see that in various ways, many times. But my love is growing, developing, changing.
Whether or not we will ever speak again, or laugh again, whether or not there will be a you and me, us, I do not know. But its not so important, compared to you. Not you when I'm with you, but just you.
You see, I love you. More than I thought possible, more than I can comprehend. And I want to love you more, the way you love me. Your love put me to shame, because it was closer to God than I ever was.
My love bears you up everyday. It cries for you(not like to have you), hopes for you. My love waits. It knows no other way than to wait. My love believes, bears, endures. This love, never fails. I promise you, it never fails.
My love grows in this adversity,it is all I have to hold on to. My love will remain with you, even if you forget all about me, and you move to a distant land. My love knows You. There might be that side, that I have not met in person, but my love knows you. My love will not leave you, will not end. Because my love has its source in Love Himself.
Love conquers all. Every hurdle, obstruction and challenge. Though I see in part, I hope for that which I do not know. Loving you is my life, my task, my privilege, my pleasure.
Yes, Love can do all this. But then, Love is the most important force in life, afterall, God is love. Love conquers all. Depends on how you choose to see it really. I'm not talking about lust, or infatuation, or a fire that burns quickly, then burns out. I'm talking about Love, the kind the world knows nothing about, the kind that has seized my interest, occupied my life.
This love, I adopt, because I see no other way, nor do I desire or know any other way.
My love is imperfect, very. I see that in various ways, many times. But my love is growing, developing, changing.
Whether or not we will ever speak again, or laugh again, whether or not there will be a you and me, us, I do not know. But its not so important, compared to you. Not you when I'm with you, but just you.
You see, I love you. More than I thought possible, more than I can comprehend. And I want to love you more, the way you love me. Your love put me to shame, because it was closer to God than I ever was.
My love bears you up everyday. It cries for you(not like to have you), hopes for you. My love waits. It knows no other way than to wait. My love believes, bears, endures. This love, never fails. I promise you, it never fails.
My love grows in this adversity,it is all I have to hold on to. My love will remain with you, even if you forget all about me, and you move to a distant land. My love knows You. There might be that side, that I have not met in person, but my love knows you. My love will not leave you, will not end. Because my love has its source in Love Himself.
Love conquers all. Every hurdle, obstruction and challenge. Though I see in part, I hope for that which I do not know. Loving you is my life, my task, my privilege, my pleasure.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Need
We tend to use words sometimes, words which their meaning we do not fully grasp, or their implication. I once explained to someone what I thought a need meant. I think my reasoning is somewhat different now.
When you say you need someone, it transcends merely wanting them around, or enjoying their company. At the point where I begin to need you, it ceases to be a conscious decision, or a willing response. It becomes a matter of necessity. I think that illustrates itself in my relationship with a friend, who perhaps decided that he did not want my friendship anymore. The way I see it, if you really need someone, or something, it would take a force greater than you to change it. If you can change it on your own, then you never really needed that person/thing. You merely wanted it, and after a while, you decided it really wasn't worth it anymore.
When I told you two years ago, and many times after that, that I needed you, It meant that your necessity in my life was no more by mere choice. You became a part of my life, a part that I could not just shake off. You became a part that situations and circumstances could not remove, a part that I could not really do without. You became a part of me. This explains why as hard as I try, I cannot be indifferent, I cannot not care. As vehemently as I might deny, you are the reason why I would do, or not do, certain things. Because somewhere along the line, you transcended the point of being a mere want, to a deep need.
The ramblings of a 21 year old, in love, in need.
When you say you need someone, it transcends merely wanting them around, or enjoying their company. At the point where I begin to need you, it ceases to be a conscious decision, or a willing response. It becomes a matter of necessity. I think that illustrates itself in my relationship with a friend, who perhaps decided that he did not want my friendship anymore. The way I see it, if you really need someone, or something, it would take a force greater than you to change it. If you can change it on your own, then you never really needed that person/thing. You merely wanted it, and after a while, you decided it really wasn't worth it anymore.
When I told you two years ago, and many times after that, that I needed you, It meant that your necessity in my life was no more by mere choice. You became a part of my life, a part that I could not just shake off. You became a part that situations and circumstances could not remove, a part that I could not really do without. You became a part of me. This explains why as hard as I try, I cannot be indifferent, I cannot not care. As vehemently as I might deny, you are the reason why I would do, or not do, certain things. Because somewhere along the line, you transcended the point of being a mere want, to a deep need.
The ramblings of a 21 year old, in love, in need.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Blogging off my Berry
First time for everything shey? Its annoying that sometimes I get spured into writing by the most inconsequential things...hopefully this will be the last of such.
Newest, stressful and coolest phase of my life...LAW SCHOOL!!! I find that the days I'm not ticked off by the stress, its not bad experience.At all! I'm in what is arguably the best campus in Nigeria, and my, are they striving to live up to their name! Tons of work, but I have to figure out a way to control it before it controls me. But it promises to be a fun ride..the idea of learning all this procedural practical stuff is really appealing for some reason, at least after today. And I have my goals, hopefully I ll meet up, by God's grace.
I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I might seem the same to some, but I know I'm not. So the way some people act around me, I wonder to myself, is there something I'm missing? Cos as weird as dis may sound, I find it strange that these guys want to be around me all the time, but the one fellow that I ended up wanting can't stand to talk to me or be around me. Funny right?
Even funnier is the history that is trying to repeat itself. What seems to be the story of my past life: Guy starts talking to girl, thinks girl is really cool, talks to girl evryday, gets interested in girl. And girl is not daft. She sees the signs as plainly as the sky above. Guy is also almost seven feet tall! Yep, taller than two of my formers combined..almost. Now that's super interesting, cos for the first time I get to wear heels and still look pretty short...hey, that happens once in a pink moon, so I plan to enjoy it! Also confirms the fact that I never attract the usual..never. Well, some might have been more usual than I thought...
I don't care for that type of history repeating itself, and I don't plan to 'koba' myself like I have done in the past, so I ll lay down my ground rules, and enjoy the ride...
This is the beginning of an era, and hopefully the end of one. It's time to read, like my life depends on it, because the kinda life I want kinda does...
Newest, stressful and coolest phase of my life...LAW SCHOOL!!! I find that the days I'm not ticked off by the stress, its not bad experience.At all! I'm in what is arguably the best campus in Nigeria, and my, are they striving to live up to their name! Tons of work, but I have to figure out a way to control it before it controls me. But it promises to be a fun ride..the idea of learning all this procedural practical stuff is really appealing for some reason, at least after today. And I have my goals, hopefully I ll meet up, by God's grace.
I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I might seem the same to some, but I know I'm not. So the way some people act around me, I wonder to myself, is there something I'm missing? Cos as weird as dis may sound, I find it strange that these guys want to be around me all the time, but the one fellow that I ended up wanting can't stand to talk to me or be around me. Funny right?
Even funnier is the history that is trying to repeat itself. What seems to be the story of my past life: Guy starts talking to girl, thinks girl is really cool, talks to girl evryday, gets interested in girl. And girl is not daft. She sees the signs as plainly as the sky above. Guy is also almost seven feet tall! Yep, taller than two of my formers combined..almost. Now that's super interesting, cos for the first time I get to wear heels and still look pretty short...hey, that happens once in a pink moon, so I plan to enjoy it! Also confirms the fact that I never attract the usual..never. Well, some might have been more usual than I thought...
I don't care for that type of history repeating itself, and I don't plan to 'koba' myself like I have done in the past, so I ll lay down my ground rules, and enjoy the ride...
This is the beginning of an era, and hopefully the end of one. It's time to read, like my life depends on it, because the kinda life I want kinda does...
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