Very impromptu, totally random...

I will not pretend like that didn't hurt. Because it did. I'm not superhuman. Not yet anyway. But its okay...really it is. As I type this, and I feel the hurt subside, I know it actually is okay.

I was getting carried away...again. Not exactly hoping against hope like before,I think I'm past that. More like meandering along the edges of self delusion. My best Friend caught it, and He said, 'focus'.

Things are not the same. That's like stating that air is invisible. I am not the same...that's definite. But most important, the things I want are different...yes... Very different.

My mind has moved from the reality of my unrealism, through the carnage of my broken dreams. It has embraced the dark and picked up what's left. My soul has gone through deep waters, overwhelming and destructive, experienced the sting of consequence. But I didn't drown, because of Him. My best friend, whom I smile at, dream about, deeply desire. My desire for Him grows deeper. He did not let me drown. He brought me through the destruction, the fetters I built with my own hands, and He let me feel the stillness of the air, the beauty of silence. That which I thought I had lost, He gave it back to me.

My inconsistency mocks me sometimes, it tears at me, pulling me down. But I can't give up...I won't give up. So much at stake, so much to live for. It would be a shame really, if I did not rise above the shackles that bound me. Why stay bound, when the fetters have been removed? There's a whole new scheme of things waiting for me, a brand new set of hurdles to cross. There is the power that is made available to me, the confidence that no man can give, or take away.

By way of deviation, the whole world seems to be blogging these days. Its okay I guess, an avenue for people to speak their minds and all. I'm not interested in having a public blog though. Let's just say this is my online diary, which a very select few are privy to. Sometimes I read what I put down and I get an outside view of my own inner thoughts..weird no doubt...

Until next time when something annoys me to no end, or a random idea crosses my mind...its farewell...

Criminal litigation beckons.

Double clicking on that 'P' button!

I have come to the rather saddening but not so shocking realisation that we don't have music in this country.

Okay..hold up..let me explain. I acknowledge that this is a rather general statement, and as to all generalisations, I'm sure there exists some exceptions lurking about here and there. However. I am dealing with the rather annoying generality of what we call music in Nigeria, and I am viciously hitting that P button!

It all began one morning, as I was on the bus on my way to work. Apparently there is now 'transit t.v', and it has constituted a nuisance to my peaceful mornings. So on this stunning new invention *i roll my eyes*, all they show is music. Nigerian music. So its either they chose songs to punish us at the crack of dawn, or the options are just very limited. Imagine listening to some ridiculous sex-laden song, devoid of common sense so early in the day! I was irritated beyond measure. So now I plug my ears with my own music most of the time.

This new transit t.v infringing on my freedom of silence opened my eyes to see what exactly we call music in this nation. Now do not get me wrong, I'm not coming from the angle of 'if its not gospel music, its bad music', (even though I'm sure the world would be a much better place if all songs glorified the King of kings). I'm saying that the songs we have these days are totally devoid of talent. There are few, very few exceptions, like the T.y Bellos and the Jodies of this world. But mostly, what we have are a bunch of people recycling the same old junk..its soo predictable. If he's not talking about sex, or money, or booze, she's talking about some old lover boy, or being heartbroken. Seriously people, surely this is not all we think about. It can't be! Because if it is, our generation is in trouble for sure. I know a number of young people, so I'm sure there are individuals who actually reflect on meaningful stuff.

Apart from the content of the songs, there's the type or is it the genre of music. All we have these days sounds like party music. Dance hall. Many many beats, lots of whining and grinding. Why in the world will I want to listen to such noise at 6.30 in the morning? I don't want to! And I doubt a lot of sane people want to. Its like the target of our musicians is to have their songs rocking on the dance floor, or in some hotel room. What happened to nice soothing music that does not involve any booty shaking?

I don't have that much exposure to secular music, but I'm far from ignorant. So a few examples come to mind. John Mayer. Micheal Bubble. Jill Scott. Bruno Mars. These guys could be singing about a love interest, or about something really silly. But they make it so beautiful. They are CREATIVE about it. Theirs is the kind of music that I could listen to on 'by-force t.v'. Because I would not cringe at its lewdity. We need to realise that you don't have to put naked girls on your video to make it pop. 'Nakedity' is all over the place, it don't pop no more. Its old and boring. I'm sure there are some members of the men-folk which may still enjoy it, but hopefully, we also have some intellectual, brilliantly sensible and non-myopic men. Hopefully.

The bottom line of this rant. If transit t.v, and the social media in general, will make it almost unavoidable that I listen to secular music, then by all means, we can have sensible, non-offensive music, at the very least. Let's engage the creative sides of our brain. Let's do something that will leave a mark. Let's try not to get good citizens (like yours truely) pissed off so early in the morning!!! Leave the Dance Hall music where it belongs...in the dance halls.

..i have no idea...

I'm a tired, sleep- deprived, overworked young woman who has come to a rather simple conclusion.

Disobedience has terrible consequences.

No, terrible does not adequately describe it. More like devastating? Mind-shattering? Catastrophic? Take your pick.

All my experience over the past three years...all has led up to this moment. You know that moment of clarity everyone talks about, where the truth stares you in the face and you have absolutely nowhere to hide. That's precisely where I am.

Only problem is, I do not have a clue as to what to do about it.

Its almost amusing, how it can take so long to make a point, or rather, to understand a point. But I finally get it. Its not dem-say, or whatever. My whole being finalyy gets the point. I disobeyed. And now, I am reaping the consequences. Very unpleasant consequences.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this one. Not a clue. Maybe I'll document my lessons. I don't know.

It took me this long to realise it. When God says you should do something, Its not because He likes to talk. Its because He knows what will happen to you if you don't do it. It isn't Him that will suffer. Noooo....all the appertunances of the experience will land squarely at your feet.

Dayum...now I'm just speechless...

Ah well, it would appear that I have overcome my initial fear of pain. Now I have come to accept that pain is a part of life. On this side of the divide, there is no escaping it. Which makes heaven so much more inviting. Perhaps I should concentrate on leaving those things that don't want me to get there.

Ah...finally...finally, I get it.

*sigh*

Yesterday my friend's mum passed on. Words cannot adequately describe how horrified I was,or how sad I still am.
Her mum had been ill for a while, acute malaria. Dotbabe was so worried, but we all just thought it was malaria, and she just really needed rest. When we heard she had been moved to luth, that should have rung a serious bell.

I happened to find out before she did, and when I saw her, I had to pretend, compel her to eat, see my friend close to 'normal' for the last time.

It still feels like such a bad dream. A part of my mind does not still understand how she could be gone. How can Dotbabe not have her mum anymore? Her Ma that she was so close to, who used to give her stress sometimes, or send her yms that she loved her. How can she not be around anymore.

I won't pretend like I know what she is feeling, because I don't. I cannot imagine it. I try to imagine life without my Ma and it hurts to even think about it. Now my friend has to live it.

I wish there was something I could do to take away all her pain. I wish I could have done something more. I wonder sometimes if I am not being utterly selfish, chasing mediocre things and nursing irrelevant thoughts, when I could be making myself more useful to the world.

At the end of the day, I realise that in this world, we have no rights. We have no entitlements. Anyone who thinks they have a right to live and do whatever they want with their lives, such a person is the biggest fool. Because in this world, everything we have is a gift. Everything. From the air we breathe, to the lungs that take in the air. From the appetite for food to the love of a good mother. Everything is a gift, and we cannot question the Giver when He says it is time for it to be taken away.

My heart aches for the pain that my friend is going through. I ache even more that I cannot do anything about it,other than to beseech God on their behalf.

I have had enough bad news and sorrow to last a lifetime. No more dear Lord. Please, no more.

2011: Food,Food,Food!!!

So, I'm wondering what my first blog in 2011 should be about.
Food.
I like to eat. These days though, eating has been rather erratic. I think sometimes I eat too much, then other times I don't eat enough. But I have my Ma's genes, so when I have had too much, the food in my body directs itself to the right place. No excess flabs or nothing. All I need to see myself and smile.

Anyways, that's for the physical food I let myself eat. There's mind food as well. That kind of food which no one really pays attention to. But then again, the world hardly pays attention to what's relevant.

I've spiced up my diet a bit. My mind food has been reorganised, and I can tell because it reflects in my body. I mean when I eat properly in the morning, I actually think better, feel better. When I don't, I feel starved, out of place.

There's so much to do this year, so little time. So much to achieve, many hurdles to cross. Its exciting, and a little scary when I realise that I don't know much of what I need to know. I mean a few days ago I was staring at the past questions and thinking... Seriously? I almost didn't know jack. But this is law school mehn. 1 shot. Hit or Miss. And for me, it's gonna be a slam-dunk, or nothing at all.

So I'm trying to eat better. Because there's nothing worse that crap mind food. Its the worst thing. I can feel the difference anytime I fall back, and I can't believe I used to wallow in that stuff. Now I'm working hard to stay out.

The Bible is, unarguably, the best book in the world. The only person that would argue is the person that has not experienced it. I mean it has some really deep stuff...The book of proverbs is sooo on point. To think I've had it all this time and I've been dulling.

My goal this year is simple really. Wisdom. Knowledge. Understanding. It don't get no simpler than that.

MissOluwaboba is back. And its slam-dunks all the way...

Here's to good food...Let's eat to life!

2010

2010
My initial reaction would have been,not a good year.

But then I pause and think. Really? Was it really a bad year? Because it seems to be the year God showed up for me the most.

God helped me. Through perhaps the most turbulent periods of my young life. The fact that I am still here, standing, alive, well, means that something went right this year. Because you can't really know salvation until you are at the point of total helplessness. I think back to the days when I was just...sad. I did not know how I would get through the day. I would lock my room door and just cry. Tears in the morning, at the middle of the night, in the afternoon. And I know now that God really did save me.

Somehow or the other, He put me together enough to study and finish well. Only He could have done that really, because all the signs pointed towards my inability.

I appreciate anew the fact that before you can really enjoy the good, you must have tasted the bad. Me, I wallowed in it for a while. But even when I could not see Him,or feel Him, or when I could not talk to Him, He was always there.

In 2010, God covered my shame. Many times when I was doing stupid things that would have ruined my name or destroyed me, He covered me. He did not allow the world to see my struggles, my falls. Times when my stupidity was too obvious, He still covered me. He gave me multiple chances. So many that I lost count. He showed me what He meant by His mercies being new every morning. To me, the least deserving of men.

He answered my prayers. This could not have been because of my good works, because I had no good works really. I seemed to botch that one everytime. It could not have been that. He is just like that you see. He'll be your friend when you're not His, and He'll be there till the very end.

And so in 2011 I have no resolutions. No grand plan to do this or not do that. Nope. I have one goal and one goal only. To simply live. Jesus said, that He has come, so we might have life, and have it more abundantly. Well, that abundant life is what I seek. I just want to live. And I will. God helping me, I will.

I cannot thank You enough, but I will do the best I can.

Randomish...

I'm rather disgusted with myself at the moment. I think the worse kind of offences are the ones which u know are wrong, and u have no justification for them, but you do them anyway. So now I'm wondering, why? Why not just..well, not do it? Why do we make wrong choices knowing fully well that the consequences will be bad? Do I chuck it up to carelessness, stupidity, or just the recalcitrant human nature? I don't know. I wonder how God does it. We mess up terribly, but somehow He is still interested in forgiveness. Don't mean there won't be consequences though, and that is what I'm kinda worried about.

Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.

I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.