*sigh*

Yesterday my friend's mum passed on. Words cannot adequately describe how horrified I was,or how sad I still am.
Her mum had been ill for a while, acute malaria. Dotbabe was so worried, but we all just thought it was malaria, and she just really needed rest. When we heard she had been moved to luth, that should have rung a serious bell.

I happened to find out before she did, and when I saw her, I had to pretend, compel her to eat, see my friend close to 'normal' for the last time.

It still feels like such a bad dream. A part of my mind does not still understand how she could be gone. How can Dotbabe not have her mum anymore? Her Ma that she was so close to, who used to give her stress sometimes, or send her yms that she loved her. How can she not be around anymore.

I won't pretend like I know what she is feeling, because I don't. I cannot imagine it. I try to imagine life without my Ma and it hurts to even think about it. Now my friend has to live it.

I wish there was something I could do to take away all her pain. I wish I could have done something more. I wonder sometimes if I am not being utterly selfish, chasing mediocre things and nursing irrelevant thoughts, when I could be making myself more useful to the world.

At the end of the day, I realise that in this world, we have no rights. We have no entitlements. Anyone who thinks they have a right to live and do whatever they want with their lives, such a person is the biggest fool. Because in this world, everything we have is a gift. Everything. From the air we breathe, to the lungs that take in the air. From the appetite for food to the love of a good mother. Everything is a gift, and we cannot question the Giver when He says it is time for it to be taken away.

My heart aches for the pain that my friend is going through. I ache even more that I cannot do anything about it,other than to beseech God on their behalf.

I have had enough bad news and sorrow to last a lifetime. No more dear Lord. Please, no more.

2011: Food,Food,Food!!!

So, I'm wondering what my first blog in 2011 should be about.
Food.
I like to eat. These days though, eating has been rather erratic. I think sometimes I eat too much, then other times I don't eat enough. But I have my Ma's genes, so when I have had too much, the food in my body directs itself to the right place. No excess flabs or nothing. All I need to see myself and smile.

Anyways, that's for the physical food I let myself eat. There's mind food as well. That kind of food which no one really pays attention to. But then again, the world hardly pays attention to what's relevant.

I've spiced up my diet a bit. My mind food has been reorganised, and I can tell because it reflects in my body. I mean when I eat properly in the morning, I actually think better, feel better. When I don't, I feel starved, out of place.

There's so much to do this year, so little time. So much to achieve, many hurdles to cross. Its exciting, and a little scary when I realise that I don't know much of what I need to know. I mean a few days ago I was staring at the past questions and thinking... Seriously? I almost didn't know jack. But this is law school mehn. 1 shot. Hit or Miss. And for me, it's gonna be a slam-dunk, or nothing at all.

So I'm trying to eat better. Because there's nothing worse that crap mind food. Its the worst thing. I can feel the difference anytime I fall back, and I can't believe I used to wallow in that stuff. Now I'm working hard to stay out.

The Bible is, unarguably, the best book in the world. The only person that would argue is the person that has not experienced it. I mean it has some really deep stuff...The book of proverbs is sooo on point. To think I've had it all this time and I've been dulling.

My goal this year is simple really. Wisdom. Knowledge. Understanding. It don't get no simpler than that.

MissOluwaboba is back. And its slam-dunks all the way...

Here's to good food...Let's eat to life!

2010

2010
My initial reaction would have been,not a good year.

But then I pause and think. Really? Was it really a bad year? Because it seems to be the year God showed up for me the most.

God helped me. Through perhaps the most turbulent periods of my young life. The fact that I am still here, standing, alive, well, means that something went right this year. Because you can't really know salvation until you are at the point of total helplessness. I think back to the days when I was just...sad. I did not know how I would get through the day. I would lock my room door and just cry. Tears in the morning, at the middle of the night, in the afternoon. And I know now that God really did save me.

Somehow or the other, He put me together enough to study and finish well. Only He could have done that really, because all the signs pointed towards my inability.

I appreciate anew the fact that before you can really enjoy the good, you must have tasted the bad. Me, I wallowed in it for a while. But even when I could not see Him,or feel Him, or when I could not talk to Him, He was always there.

In 2010, God covered my shame. Many times when I was doing stupid things that would have ruined my name or destroyed me, He covered me. He did not allow the world to see my struggles, my falls. Times when my stupidity was too obvious, He still covered me. He gave me multiple chances. So many that I lost count. He showed me what He meant by His mercies being new every morning. To me, the least deserving of men.

He answered my prayers. This could not have been because of my good works, because I had no good works really. I seemed to botch that one everytime. It could not have been that. He is just like that you see. He'll be your friend when you're not His, and He'll be there till the very end.

And so in 2011 I have no resolutions. No grand plan to do this or not do that. Nope. I have one goal and one goal only. To simply live. Jesus said, that He has come, so we might have life, and have it more abundantly. Well, that abundant life is what I seek. I just want to live. And I will. God helping me, I will.

I cannot thank You enough, but I will do the best I can.

Randomish...

I'm rather disgusted with myself at the moment. I think the worse kind of offences are the ones which u know are wrong, and u have no justification for them, but you do them anyway. So now I'm wondering, why? Why not just..well, not do it? Why do we make wrong choices knowing fully well that the consequences will be bad? Do I chuck it up to carelessness, stupidity, or just the recalcitrant human nature? I don't know. I wonder how God does it. We mess up terribly, but somehow He is still interested in forgiveness. Don't mean there won't be consequences though, and that is what I'm kinda worried about.

Sometimes I don't like the person I'm becoming, the habits I'm picking up. I hate that one experience could be sooo far reaching as to affect me so deeply. All I can do is try, fight, struggle to be better. But what if this willingness to fight is but an emotion that will be swept away? Emotions are so fickle. I want something stronger, more meaningful.

I'm really sorry. Lord pls help me.

Dear Future Husband...

Hello you...

Chances are that we've met. Or maybe we havent, and we will later. But either ways, I take it that we are both getting ourselves together now, so that when it's time, we'll be at a good place, and we'll relate properly, with no encumberances.

I don't know what you'll call me. I'm sure you'll come up with something nice, or maybe it'll be special just by the way you say my name. Anyhow, it's fine by me.

Right now, I'm trying to put my life in proper order, to be a master in my art. I'm trying to be the best God wants me to be, so that i will be strong for both of us when the time comes. I trust that you are doing the same.

But I can tell you certain things for sure. Because I have chosen you, God helping me, I will always have your back. No matter what. By God's special grace, you and I are gonna be together for a very long time. So It wont matter what life throws at us. You ll always have me. Like the song says, whether its 1 naira, or 1 million, or 1 billion(which is where we'll be!), baby, you've got me. You are the only one I'll see, and I'll stay with you if you'll stay with me. So ours is gonna be a forever. When you feel like there's so much stress at work, you'll hurry home as fast as you can, because your baby will be waiting for you, to listen and help you feel better. I'll be there to give you tough advice, to tell you the truth. I'll help you be the person you want to be, the person I know you can be. When I say something that hurts you, you'll be able to tell me, or when I'm taking things too seriously, you'll lovingly tell me to calm down. We won't be perfect, but our love will reflect in everything we do. You ll respect me and my opinions, and I will respect yours.

You and I will help each other to reach heights of passion and satisfaction. My body will be yours, and yours mine. We won't be a boring couple, that I can assure you. We'll keep things fresh and hot, because you'll need me, and I'll need you.

I'll be your best buddy. Yes, you'll have friends, and i'll know all of them and probably like them. They'll know me as your madam, and my friends will know you are my oga. But everyone will be able to see that ours is not a relationship of servitude. We'll get each other, and give room for the other to grow. With a look, or the tone ofyour voice, I'll know that you don't like something, or something is wrong.

I know we'll come across other hot girls, or fine guys. But while we will acknowledge God's beauty, they will only remind us of how we have something better at home.

You ll be my soul mate. My leader, My head. You'll be my best friend, my lover, my teacher. You ll pray for me, as I will pray for you. Your secrets, and your heart will be safe with me, because I will try my best to guard them with all I have. You and I will serve God together, and we'll help each other attain maximum potential.

When kids come along, we'll love them wholeheartedly. They will never be afraid to speak, share their fears or their concerns. We will teach them to love God, to work hard, to dream great things. We will allow them to cry, to make mistakes, to grow. You and I will raise godly children.

And when we are old and grey, we will sit on the couch, still holding hands, still laughing at each other's jokes. We will still tell each other 'i love you' at the beginning, middle and end of each day. We will still write letters to each other on valentines day. I'll still listen to your heartbeat as we fall asleep, limbs intertwined.

You and I will weather the storms together, because God will be on our side, and our love will grow and flourish. I will be your treasure and your pride, as you will be mine.

Dear future husband, loving you is my privilege, my pleasure, my pride.

Goodbye 21

Dear 21,

We have been together, u and I, for 365 days. When we started out, I had absolutely no clue of what was ahead. But now I have seen. You have come, and now it is time to go.

21,I experienced in you great joys. I made a true friend. Perhaps he is one of the best things that happened to me this year. The kind of friend that would stick by me through anything, make me laugh alot. He cherished times we spent together too much, and he placed me on a pedestal, which although was quite high, it still gave allowances for my weaknesses. Yes, I will remember you, 21, for that, because he is my friend, a breath of fresh air on a gloomy day.

In you 21, God answered my prayers. He heard the cry of this imperfect girl, and He paid attention to me. I finished from the University with a grade that I was awfully close to losing. I'm in law school in a campus I had already lost. But God...He was especially good to me.

I started discovering the path that my life may be taking. In you 21, i began to see plans forming in my head, goals emerging.

In you 21, i had love. The kind that some people never find in their lifetime. I found the kind of love that made me want to give my all, to put the welfare of another before mine. The kind of love that delights the body, amazes the mind, joins souls. The kind that words are inadequate to fully express.

In you 21, i found a training ground. A training that seemed more like suffering than anything else. I felt pain. That kind of pain that cannot really be explained, that others cannot fully understand. I felt sorrow that lasted, left me without sleep or appetite, with little zest for life. The kind that kept my head bowed low as I walked down the street, or made the sound of traffic more appealing than the sound of my own thoughts.

21. You showed me different sides of myself. You exposed my weakness, my humanity, my need. You wounded me, bruised me, tore me apart,and somehow, refused to let me go.

21, I cannot say that I am sad at your departure. It would seem that in quantity, the pain in you outweighed the joys. But in quality, you left me with scars and a million things to be grateful for.

Now, I have paid my dues. I have paid in sorrow, in tears, in sadness. I have struggled, fought, fallen, risen. I have paid my dues, and now it's time for me to move ahead.

21. I know I will never forget you. But I am glad we are to part ways. Thank you for the lessons, thank you. My once in a lifetime companion, I applaud you as you gracefully bow out.

Goodbye, 21.

Christmas Day musing, and all that...

By golly, there is nothing that irritates me more than 'odeishious' songs. Classic example, the rather talently deficient Kas. I mean he probably has other talents, but music aint one of them. He was just lucky to have struck a catchy phrase, and a nice beat. It would however appear that he's stuck there. Because every other song on the album has almost the same beat. So if I'm not mixing up facts, he is behind the song, 'whine for me'. Stupid song says whine for me girl I've got money. So bloody what? Did I say i did not have money of my own? Who wants your smelly money? If your only consideration for asking me to whine is cos you've got money, then you can shove it. Like do I look like a prostitute? Anyway, I blame him not. It's the girls that have been answering him and giving the rest of us a bad name. Plus the ones that are screwing all things screwable in exchange for BBs and other petty favors. It don't get any more pathetic than that. Girls, and guys, really do need to realise just how much they are worth. As you may have gathered, I find that song awfully insulting.

But that's not why I'm writing joh. Its the song playing outside my window that irritated me, and I decided to rant a bit. Back on course...

I spent Christmas day generally just lounging. After I worked so hard that my body was twitching with fatigue yesterday, I decided that I cannot come and go and die. So I've been going through the tons of movies my bro has on his hard drive. I came across this English/Japanese movie that was totally hilarious! It's all cheesy and stuff, but I love it! And I'm about to tell you why...

First off, the main guy in the movie is such a hottie!!! I mean I have never been so enthusiastic about a fine boy like this...Dayum! This guy is a specimen of male goodness, a hunker-hunker-bunning-yum! Gosh, I am sincerely blown away...and I don't get that easily blown away. So this was already good motivation to watch the movie. And the story line was really sweet. Nothing outta the ordinary really, your somewhat predictable love story, but I really enjoyed it. Maybe because it reminded me of the books I used to read a while ago, when love was simple and sincere. Now I can gush over this fellow because its a movie, and its majorly fictional and all. It dont mean that if I saw such a fine fellow in real life, i would be so enthusiastic. Because reality is reality, and while I try to give all people a minimum benefit of doubt, I'm not too optimistic, nor am I interested tangled involvements or any such thing.

So this overly cheesy mush of a movie made my christmas, because it was so sweet. And it kind of encouraged me to just keep it real. I wanna be able to live with my imperfections, embrace them, work on getting better, but maintain my own identity. So far, I have been through about three movies, will like to see inception though, but I'm also contemplating baking a cake...

Merry Christmas....and thanks be to God for sending Jesus.