Reflections...

7 months down the line and I still feel as screwed up as the first day, perhaps even worse. Maybe because today was a special day, one of those days I've been dreading because I knew I would be painfully excluded. Perhaps that's why I feel like my world has still not regained its balance. If anything, I try desperately to be strong, to shake off the biting effects of those innuendos that tell me that someone else has been in that place I hoped was all mine. Maybe because I have now been smacked hard across the phase with the reality that his way and manner of dealing and living has absolutely no consideration for my life or my place in his. And now I wonder how much of this I can take, if this is all gonna pay off, if its all worth it.

Happy Birthday to you my dearest, I wish u all things beautiful, all things pure, all this great, all this wonderful.

Reflections from the pain in my heart, and the love in my soul.

The Oluboba Woman.

I hardly ever consider myself a woman. Sounds weird to me, and I just like to think of myself as a girl, or a lady, not a WOMAN...sounds like such a big word with big implications.

But sometimes, the realisation of who I am, or who I am becoming hits me. I'm not just any woman, I'm an Oluboba Woman. So here goes:

The Oluboba woman is strong. She works long and hard, for long periods, no matter how tired she may be.

The Oluboba woman is emotional. She hurts at the pain of others, is not ashamed to shed a tear.

She loves her man. Deeply and with all her soul. So deep that she will fight for him with her own blood.

The Oluboba woman is beautiful. Not the regular kind of beautiful, but the kind that when discovered, it cannot be ignored. Or forgotten.

The Oluboba woman can be unsure. Sometimes she thinks so highly of others and under estimates the worth in herself.

The Oluboba woman is contagious. She has a laugh that speaks, and a smile that brightens.

She is passionate, a deep, fiery passion that can only be satisfied by her match.

The Oluboba woman is modest. Under all that modesty, you will be shocked at what she's protecting.

The Oluboba woman fears God. She lives to please Him more.

The Oluboba woman is determined. If her heart is set on you, you better know it's set.

The Oluboba woman is brilliant, intelligent, creative, witty.

The Oluboba woman will fall, but she won't stay down.

I am an Oluboba woman, perhaps the proudest one yet.

Love.

True. Love can be such a dangerous thing sometimes. It can tear you apart, leave you in pieces. It can hurt you, change your world as you know it. Love can push you to do the unthinkable.
Yes, Love can do all this. But then, Love is the most important force in life, afterall, God is love. Love conquers all. Depends on how you choose to see it really. I'm not talking about lust, or infatuation, or a fire that burns quickly, then burns out. I'm talking about Love, the kind the world knows nothing about, the kind that has seized my interest, occupied my life.
This love, I adopt, because I see no other way, nor do I desire or know any other way.
My love is imperfect, very. I see that in various ways, many times. But my love is growing, developing, changing.
Whether or not we will ever speak again, or laugh again, whether or not there will be a you and me, us, I do not know. But its not so important, compared to you. Not you when I'm with you, but just you.
You see, I love you. More than I thought possible, more than I can comprehend. And I want to love you more, the way you love me. Your love put me to shame, because it was closer to God than I ever was.
My love bears you up everyday. It cries for you(not like to have you), hopes for you. My love waits. It knows no other way than to wait. My love believes, bears, endures. This love, never fails. I promise you, it never fails.
My love grows in this adversity,it is all I have to hold on to. My love will remain with you, even if you forget all about me, and you move to a distant land. My love knows You. There might be that side, that I have not met in person, but my love knows you. My love will not leave you, will not end. Because my love has its source in Love Himself.
Love conquers all. Every hurdle, obstruction and challenge. Though I see in part, I hope for that which I do not know. Loving you is my life, my task, my privilege, my pleasure.

Need

We tend to use words sometimes, words which their meaning we do not fully grasp, or their implication. I once explained to someone what I thought a need meant. I think my reasoning is somewhat different now.

When you say you need someone, it transcends merely wanting them around, or enjoying their company. At the point where I begin to need you, it ceases to be a conscious decision, or a willing response. It becomes a matter of necessity. I think that illustrates itself in my relationship with a friend, who perhaps decided that he did not want my friendship anymore. The way I see it, if you really need someone, or something, it would take a force greater than you to change it. If you can change it on your own, then you never really needed that person/thing. You merely wanted it, and after a while, you decided it really wasn't worth it anymore.

When I told you two years ago, and many times after that, that I needed you, It meant that your necessity in my life was no more by mere choice. You became a part of my life, a part that I could not just shake off. You became a part that situations and circumstances could not remove, a part that I could not really do without. You became a part of me. This explains why as hard as I try, I cannot be indifferent, I cannot not care. As vehemently as I might deny, you are the reason why I would do, or not do, certain things. Because somewhere along the line, you transcended the point of being a mere want, to a deep need.

The ramblings of a 21 year old, in love, in need.

Blogging off my Berry

First time for everything shey? Its annoying that sometimes I get spured into writing by the most inconsequential things...hopefully this will be the last of such.

Newest, stressful and coolest phase of my life...LAW SCHOOL!!! I find that the days I'm not ticked off by the stress, its not bad experience.At all! I'm in what is arguably the best campus in Nigeria, and my, are they striving to live up to their name! Tons of work, but I have to figure out a way to control it before it controls me. But it promises to be a fun ride..the idea of learning all this procedural practical stuff is really appealing for some reason, at least after today. And I have my goals, hopefully I ll meet up, by God's grace.

I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I might seem the same to some, but I know I'm not. So the way some people act around me, I wonder to myself, is there something I'm missing? Cos as weird as dis may sound, I find it strange that these guys want to be around me all the time, but the one fellow that I ended up wanting can't stand to talk to me or be around me. Funny right?

Even funnier is the history that is trying to repeat itself. What seems to be the story of my past life: Guy starts talking to girl, thinks girl is really cool, talks to girl evryday, gets interested in girl. And girl is not daft. She sees the signs as plainly as the sky above. Guy is also almost seven feet tall! Yep, taller than two of my formers combined..almost. Now that's super interesting, cos for the first time I get to wear heels and still look pretty short...hey, that happens once in a pink moon, so I plan to enjoy it! Also confirms the fact that I never attract the usual..never. Well, some might have been more usual than I thought...

I don't care for that type of history repeating itself, and I don't plan to 'koba' myself like I have done in the past, so I ll lay down my ground rules, and enjoy the ride...

This is the beginning of an era, and hopefully the end of one. It's time to read, like my life depends on it, because the kinda life I want kinda does...

My lessons: The God that looks out for me.

Many times in the last few days i have dreamed about how i would write this blog. I have thought about the title to give it, the end it will have, the form it will take. Now i have reason to write, i have so much to share, and a lot to learn.

In June or July of this year, can't remember exactly when, in the darkest period of my life, I wondered to myself, what will I remember my 21st year for? Will the pain of my experience overshadow any good thing that I may have gone through? Will the most poignant memory be one of misery? I did not want that to be my case, afterall, 21 comes around once in a lifetime. So i set out to partake in some activity or the other, things that were fun, that i could remember. Unfortunately, i was unable to sustain my interest in them, and somehow, life just moved along. I did not realise that God had other plans, and He was about to push me in the right direction, which i was too lazy and scattered to find on my own.

As I write, God has become more real to me than He ever was. He isn't just the Supreme being in the sky that you have to serve for the sake of eternity and consequences. He is MY God, my Lord, my very best friend, The bestest Dad a person could ever have, and He was setting up for me an experience that would perhaps change the direction of my life.

As usual, it was in the most unusual, unexpected and least thought of way. He has made it quite clear that i cannot predict Him. I cannot teach Him how He will do what He will do, I can try to imagine how things will turn out from now till the end of time, It don't mean it will ever happen my way. So I'm learning to stop wasting precious thought space, and to dwell more on useful things that i have some control over.

Law school postings came out. I totally took for granted the fact that it could very well not work out the way i planned. i mean i had done everything that i thought would secure my choice, if precedence was anything to go by. But precedence this year was a grand disappointment, because things were quite different. Not only had the posting been contracted out, it would appear my reasons were not given a moment's glance. I will not forget in a hurry how aghast i was when i saw the online receipt for the first time. it was like panic, in one of the ways I alone know how to panic. I called all those callable, i called my mother, and then i prayed. Hard. Anyways, the moment i started to suspect that the Lord had some kinda hand in it was when it occurred to my Ma to just ask this lady about it. Turned out that the lady knew someone who was asking why she did not speak up about it since. The man was willing to help, but he was taking his blessed time! So when people were busy registering, i was busy building my faith.

Faith is a wonderful thing, so wonderful that certain factors don't want you to have it. Factors like fear, doubt, unbelief. The biggest point that tried to snag me was this. God can do it, fine, but will He? What if He has some grand plan for you someplace else. Those thoughts that are the enemy's round-a-bout way of stealing your faith. Like what if you are not meant to stay in moremi, cos there's a plan for you in the dirty, chocked up new hall? What if you are meant to get a 2.2 so that you can reach out to someone, or some such bull. What if this,what if that. Second guessing God, imagining He has some other plan, and ultimately not believing.

Brilliant point shey?

Only that God does not ask us to do any of that. All He says is, fear not. Only believe. All things are possible to him that believes. Ask and you will receive. I will help you. If you trust Me, you will not be put to shame. That's what the Master says.

So i struggled to believe. Struggled not to panic. The moment i saw God really looking out for me was when i went to church, and the preacher spoke on looking up to Jesus. i thought, seriously? Why today, when i was coming to this church, and i coulda gone someplace else, or he could have come another day? I don't believe much in coincidences, and everything the man said hit the nail on the head. And after that, everytime i turned on the t.v, i would come across something on faith, on not doubting, on trusting God. It was amazing.

Then at some point, i decided that maybe Enugu was not such a bad idea. It would be a different experience, and there were fun people there anyways. But my mum said to talk to the nice lady again. the lady said Lagos was the first, and the best campus. So i started waiting again. I struggled. Had headaches, took malaria drugs. I cried. felt bad, wondered why i did not pay much attention when i could have.
I also realised that this was God calling my attention to Him. This was Him saying, kid, you need Me to succeed in this life. He was telling me that He was God, unlike any other, with great plans for my life, and all i had to do was trust and praise. My Open Heavens was on point. like i would open a page that talked about faith being able to turn a no from God to a yes. How wise people praise God to the point where He moves for them. How faith changes everything. How vain the help of man is.
And God showed Himself. In ways that i had not imagined. He showed that as rickety as my faith was, He was still there, helping me, waiting for me to come to my senses all along. He showed me that there are certain things you should not waste your time thinking about, like things you cannot change. Focusing your energy on the things you can do about a situation is so much better. Like prayer. Like faith. He is the burden nearer. looking up to Him is the best way to live.

So He gave me my experience. That which hopefully will shape my outlook on life and the way i handle stuff. My God reigns. He is totally awesome. and His mercies are...more than we can ever understand.

Thank you dear Lord. Thank you.

Your ignorance, your loss.

Deep sturvs... I need to find a solution. But in the meantime, an imperfect poem pours forth:

He carries on without much of a care, except maybe those that center around himself.
He walks around, blinded, deaf to the things he really needs to hear.
Deaf to the voice of truth, the cry of honesty, blinded by his own pride, the worse of its kind.
Because you see, the worse pride is that which is so disguised from the bearer, everyone but him sees it.
Hanging on to an archaic sense of duty, a duty that ends where the most valuable begins.
Will he ever see? will he ever realize? Who can tell him, without such becoming the enemy?
So deep has this attitude, this sense of 'right' festered,
That everyone is alienated, uninterested in partaking of his 'rightness'
All that is left, is the struggle to obey, the struggle to honor that the Bible commands.
My deepest worry, my deepest thought, is that his ignorance could lead to a loss
A loss so great, it could change my life as i know it
A loss so great, i cannot afford it
When will you see, that your acts tally not with your words?
When will you see that you have pushed away those who really care?
When will you stop hurting the one person who cares for you more than any other human being?
If it takes you that long to see, then you must journey on your own, you must not drag her with you.
Because the brunt of your ignorance will not fetch you bliss, only a loss that you could never fathom.
Your ignorance will not be my loss.