broken(5)

It’s over.
I have formed the habit of putting down feelings, emotions, times of meaning as they happen to me.
So right now, i announce to you, dear non-existent followers, that it is over. Not like it was not over before, now there’s this finality that I must come to terms with, the fact that I am now on my own again. Single. Without my City Love.
When does it hit you? Like really hit you when stuff happens? It can’t be when you hear it. Sometimes its before you hear it, or after. I think that I am sad now, but it has not fully sunk in yet. This promises to be yet another sleepless night. My head hurts already. Maybe from tears, or from insufficient food, I’m not so sure.
This has got to be my biggest challenge yet. That day in 2006, January, when I got the call from my dad that I was admitted into this school, who would have known that I would be spending my final months struggling to finish, while nursing a broken heart.
Well, i guess that is life. I cannot help but be amused a bit at how things have turned out. It’s the strangest thing, how I go from wondering at my lack of challenges to having a good number of them.
I heard his voice again today. It was the closest thing to normal I had heard in a while. He decided to bear the hurt and be straight with me. That I really appreciate. The enormity of my love for him, who will ever fully understand it? Even I do not fully understand it. But I have to live with it. Lock it up in my heart. Struggle not to do anything about it but pray. Hope to God that it will all work out.
Nothing more seems to come to mind at the moment. The headache reminds me of its presence. I need to try to refrain from thinking. I need to stay away from all reminders. I need to focus on school work, remembering that he wants me to focus. I want to make him proud at the end of these two months.
Dear Lord, King of the Universe. You see my heart. You see my thoughts. Have mercy on us both. Keep him safe and secure. Let him find You and be happy. Teach me to be still in my mind. Help me through this Lord, so that I do not do anything drastic. Please, help me.
Still sad, still broken.

so far...

As far as days go, today has to be one of the toughest I have had, and boy, have I had some really tough days. First off, I did not sleep. At all. I can’t really remember closing my eyes. Maybe at the break of dawn I drifted a bit, but for the most part, I was awake, and unable to do anything really. I could not even attend my classes. Tried drowning my sorrows, but that did not really work. Tried to find some kind of respite with him, but lets just say that turned out like dynamite. It blew up in my face. I said things. He said things. I was a basket case o! Kai! Anyways, it was not all bad. That I can type this blog should tell you that it was not all bad. Because if it was, my head would still be buried in my tear-soaked pillow.
I talked with EO, and I realised that I have been selfish. And totally irrational/overly emotional. And unwilling, or unable to think. But after today, the gruelling roller coaster ride that I initiated, I have no other solution but to think. To really think. Because this is not a joke. It’s a real life situation, with hearts and lives involved.
So I will be categorising my thoughts into four parts: God, myself, him, family (this will encompass his and mine). I figure anything outside these categories is not important.
I think I have said some things so many times, I’m beginning to sound like a broken record. Things like I’m sorry, I want to be with you, I don’t know how to be without you anymore, forgive me, blah, blah, blah. My listeners and non-existent followers are probably rolling their eyes at all the repetition, so I will try to cut down a bit.
A really serious issue that I face now is school work. Stabbing class. Not up to date with a lot of my work. Project is not doing so great either. I have less than 60 days, and then it will all be over. Not to mention that I have a possible test tomorrow, at 8.a.m. Am I going to go deeper into all the bad feelings trying to suck me in? Or am I going to pull through somehow?
I need encouragement from the people that count. I need a little love and support. I need to sleep. Lord, please grant me sleep tonight.

Is it okay if i go numb for a while

Is it okay if I go numb for a while,
If I seize to feel or care for this time
My world is spinning out of control
My nights still feel like a nightmare unfold
I cannot focus, be still, listen
Without this hurt resounding within me
I have this task, an obligation to fulfil
So where is the strength, where is the will?
This final lap, this ultimate chance,
This one opportunity I will never get back
I sit right here staring at my hands
Losing the urge, to move any further
Is there help, is there hope
Is there solace for my sorrow
Or will I end my race of all this time
With the result of failure, pain, and more tomorrow
Is it okay if I go numb for a while
If my mind seized to play, my ears to ring
But how do I go numb for a while
I seem unable to find the way, the means to shut down.

Broken (4)

Not again...
Aww shucks! Its looking like it’s gonna be another long evening... Am I going to cry myself to sleep this time? Or will I just cry and not sleep?
I have finals in less than two months. I have not read anything. My project is nowhere near finished. It is only by the grace of God that I will finish with that upper. How am I going to do this? Why now? My mind is mocking me. Everything seems to be going awry.
I remember a song from little red riding hood. It was the wolf that sang it. He said the man without a heart, is the luckiest of men, because his heart cannot be broken again. I need solace. I need to get a grip on myself. Right now, I am stewing in misery. The feeling is so strong, I just have to put it down. I have never felt the need for anyone in my entire life, like I feel it now. One failed relationship. Will I lose my school work too? I cannot sleep. I have no appetite. I feel like I’m going crazy almost, because I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hear him say ‘hey sunshine...’ i just want to hear his ringtone and his lovely voice on the other end of the line. What is he doing now? Is he happy? Is he safe? Is he watching a t.v show, or chatting with a friend? Is he listening to John Mayer, or Coltrane? Has he had dinner? Has he gotten his stuff from school? How’s his grey hair? What are his plans for the week? Does he hate me? Is he drowning his pain in something, anything? Is he feeling any pain at all? Or has he successfully blocked me out like a bad memory? Is he getting along with his dad? What scent does he wear now? Will I ever see him again? Will he ever smile at me, hug me, hold me again?
All I have are memories. Memories that hang on to me, torment me, leave me grieving. I can’t see the sun right now. I can’t see much of anything right now. Just pain. Tons and tons of pain.
I don’t want to go off the deep end. But I am driving the knife deeper into the wound. I am bleeding out. My insides are screaming with the pain of it. I want my love back. I want to be free.

Tired.

My goodness...
I’m tired. I did not achieve anything today school-wise, because I got side-tracked, and I did not know how to get myself out of it. When I’m tired, things seem different, the world is a drearier place. I wonder when I’ll ever be tired and happy.
I have taken up a destructive habit. One that has caused me trouble in times past, and one that is part of my present predicament. It would appear that I have not learnt my lesson. With him, or anyone else for that matter.
The thing is, after the first few times, I promised myself that I would not do it again. That I will do better next time. That it only makes me feel worse. But then the situation presents itself, and truthfully, it makes me forget my pain, even if it’s for the shortest time...
My plan seems to be wavering a bit. Maybe its because I’m back in school with many distractions. I guess I have to adjust. I will try not to talk about it until it actually works. In the mean time, I need to stop sleeping with the enemy.
My heart is no longer with me, not really anyway. Living without a heart is not so easy, but it is necessary, and hopefully, it will pay off.

By golly...

Shoot!!!
So, less than 10 minutes ago, I was about to sleep. Before then, I was thinking semi-evil thoughts. You know, a cross between naughty and evil. Thoughts which were brought about by a temptation I yielded to. So as I tried to forget and settle in, I got my wrapper to cover myself. Only, as I stretched the wrapper, my finger was cut by the ceiling fan...again! it was like, huh? You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be happening again. But it did. And my ever-efficient room mate got the closest thing to methylated spirit: perfume, and she tortured me. She opened the wounds, determined to get all the dirt out. As I was yelling in pain, I could not help laughing at the irony of the situation. It was like God was knocking my head, saying, “Kemi, I warned you... Don’t you dare think (and do) that again!”.
So now it’s all cleaned up. I have faith that no tetanus will get in, because I have no intention of getting to that health centre.
Okay Lord, I hope I have gotten the message this time. In the meantime, please help me say no to those other “temptations” that are knocking at my door...

Dear Diary!

Dear non-existent followers,
I have been a very naughty girl! I’m not very experienced at this, and I usually would not do it, but this situation is anything but usual! My heart was pounding like it was gonna explode. But when I was done, it felt so good!
It might not happen again. Or maybe it might, you should never say never, that much I have learnt. But the feeling was…different. Wrong maybe, crazy definitely, not expected of a proper girl, sure…but fun? *sigh* Now I understand why people do what they do. And why it’s kind of hard to stop…
This is the shortest blog ever, but I just had to report myself.

Wish me luck ;-)