Basking in the ambience...

Basking in the Ambience...
25th August 2010. I wrote my final paper in the university of Lagos. I am done. Finally.
The reality of it has not fully set in. Sometimes it dawns on me anew, that I am a graduate. I will not be returning to unilag, to moremi. I will not be attending lectures here anymore. No more hustling for bed space, running for classes, dealing with incorrigible lecturers...at least not in this environment anyway...
My heart is full of overwhelming gratitude to God. He has been absolutely amazing to me, sticking with me when I was good, bad, happy, sad, sickly, well, sinful, careless, when i was oblivious of His presence...Now I understand the concept of His faithfulness... Thank you Lord for being so good to me.
At the moment, i am trying to just rest. To get myself together, recover from all the stress. I’m learning not to worry about the things I cannot change by worrying. I’m learning to trust God with all my heart. I’m learning to appreciate my Pa an my Ma. I’m learning what it means to be myself, to have faith in a God that I cannot see. I’m becoming...me.
Freedom is wonderful...it’s so amazing the feeling. Everyone around me is still working, which makes the feeling even better. Now i can deal with some unfinished business, get back to baking and making money till law school beacons.
I heard some sad news today when I went to visit my Pa. A pastor’s wife passed away. Was such a shocker, because i see her all the time in church. What bothers me the most are her 4 small children. I cant imagine how they must feel. I pray God takes good care of them...
Basking in the ambience of freedom... feels wonderful.

leaving it all on paper.

This is probably the most incoherent poem I will ever write. But I feel its the best way i can express myself right now, so here goes:

Leaving it all on paper, pushing it all away
Trying not to make a deal of it, trying to be okay
Its funny the things that inspire you, its funny the things that matter
Its funny the things that hurt so much, you really can’t get why.

Leaving it all on paper, wondering to myself,
Does it matter that there’s no obligation, or am I just being a pest?
Hoping is such a waste sometimes, when you know you shouldn’t
But it’s a tiny thing, such a tiny thing, I did not think you’d forget

Leaving it all on paper, hoping my head won’t hurt
Trying to get out of the first mode, ready to do the next
Wishing i did not care so much, wishing it did not matter
I just really cant believe, that you of all people would forget

Leaving it all on paper, coming to terms with life
The things that you really want, sometimes will only bring strife.
If it did not matter, if the thought did not occur
I will silently nurse my wounds, and heal to hope no more.

the final days...

The final days...
5 more days. And I will no longer be a student of this school. 5 more days.... wow.
In these last days, I’ve battled with stress, body pains, fatigue, lack of sleep, name it. I guess I’m not really complaining because it comes with the exam season.
This is the last chance. The last leg. The last opportunity. This is the only chance I have left as an undergrad to show that I’m worth my onions. This is the make-or-break moment. the final determination of what I am going to leave this school with. I need God more than ever before.
So many things run through my mind. The reasons why I cannot end this journey with a bad result. Right now, it’s not even about me anymore. Now it’s a lot more personal. It’s about the people I simply cannot let down.
I got some great news today. He did wonderfully well in his exams. I am so pleased, so grateful to God, because if it had come out the other way, I would have felt very responsible. And he would have been so unhappy. But God did it. He did it. He worked real hard for it, inspite of everything. He inspires me, because I think that if he can do it, then I can do it too. I am very proud of him, like I have always been.
I just wanted to take a little time out, to record the final days.
Perhaps I’ll write again soon. Perhaps I’ll write again when it’s all over.

Work calls.

clearing my head

The clock is ticking.
Time won’t wait for me to sort myself out, my obligations won’t change because I need to clear my head. But perhaps i will do just that, so that I can move on.
I don’t trust him. The realisation hit me this morning. I don’t know if he has noticed that something is different. Maybe he hasn’t. Maybe I’m a better actress than I give myself credit for. But sitting here, trying to clear my head enough to study, i realise that the trust I felt, inspite of all, is slowly but surely ebbing away.
He has never been a simple straight to the point kind of guy. I think I always knew that. And I was okay with it, because I felt that there were implied rules in our relationship. That he would at least be straight with me, to a good extent. After all, I have let him see some of the deepest hurts of my soul. I have let him see things that a lot of people don’t even know exist. So I always imagined, with all the things he says, the things we have been through, he will be honest with me.
Now, I am not so sure. In fact, I am not sure at all. And I don’t know how long I can hide my distrust. So some way or the other, he has to show me, without knowing that he is showing me, that he is deserving. I need to be convinced. Or before I know it, it would be the end of a great relationship.
I think I am beginning to take shape. In some weird way. I am beginning to have goals, dreams and aspirations. I have passions and dislikes. And I have realised, that one thing which causes me a great deal of pain and discomfort, is when people are not straight with me. People who should know better. So passionate am I about this type of honesty, that the repercussions are far-reaching.

Partnership calls.

thots.

Everybody lies.

That’s what Dr. House said. Maybe he is a cynical, sad but utterly brilliant fictional man. Or maybe he saw people for who they really are, and he was sick of hoping in their almost non-exisitent goodness. Maybe.

I try to wrap my mind around the things I see, the discoveries I’ve made in recent time. Even now I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with the human race, but I have way bigger issues to deal with, so I’m gonna put it down and forget about it.
Human beings have an incredibly high capacity to deceive. I mean, everybody lies, yes, but the lengths that some people will go...it’s almost remarkable. The worst part is the pretence. How you will let the rest of the myopic world believe that you are all righteous and upstanding, full of integrity and honour. But you go to bed at night, knowing full well that you are no more than a lying, thieving, cheating scoundrel. A real piece of work.
I know you might be thinking, ‘this babe, you dey vex gan!’ Well, maybe. But I really am not taking it too personal, I’m just trying to clear my head.
Why do we do it? Because we are greedy and selfish. Self-seeking and twisted. Sometimes it’s for ‘noble’ reasons, like how I really do love her, or him, but I need to do this,i need ‘me’ time and i don’t want him/her to see this side of me. Even worse, she knows that side of you, but because she is so stuck, she is so terribly dependent, she does not know how to walk away. So she accepts it.

God forbid.

Its almost like everyone is the same. Like no one knows better. The guy who does all manner of things...cheats, steals, screws around, but only a select few know about it and they laugh at the rest of us who imagine that he’s the next best gift God has given the world. The girl who goes to church, worker and exco and stuff, but she’s lying, tricking and manipulating her way up the success ladder, like there’s only space for one person at the top.
I’m not trying to judge. Lord knows i’m past that. What I cannot get over is this: You are who you are. You screw up. We all screw up. Why are you pretending? Why are you lying, and making the world believe you are something else? Why are you running your mouth, forming holier-than-thou, when you are worse off? Cut the crap people. If I’m feeling like this, i don’t want to thing about how God feels when He thinks about us.
There is an inner weakness in us all. There is also the inner evil. Deep, dark, and horribly destructive. It’s up to you to let it rule, or to shut it up.

Ramblings of the soonest lawyer-to-be.

Ramblings of the soonest lawyer-to-be.
I’m getting old. Getting responsible..i think. Getting ready to enter a new phase of my life. I’ll be a graduate soon! That has to be exciting right? I cannot believe i am almost done with five years of university education. I still remember the day, 3rd January 2006, when my pa called me and said he saw my name in the newspaper. My family came home and began hailing...’the law...’. Interesting stuff. now I’m almost done. Almost out. With a head full of knowledge, mind full of memories, heart full of experience.

I have no regrets. I have things that i remember and still cringe, but here’s how i try to see it. I spent 5 years learning, say, how to ride a bike. That’s an awfully long time to spend learning to ride a silly bike. But this is a special kind of bike. Or maybe i should use a tractor for my analogy... nah, i’ll stick with the bike.
So I’m learning, and i fall, countless times. I even break an arm and a leg. I bruise my vital organs. But thank God, I did not amputate anything. None of me is the same as when I first got in, but it’s all still there, and I’m grateful to God for that.
I found people. People who really truly love me. Who actually care about me. People who honestly believe I’m important, who miss me when I’m not around. People who have come to need me, who think I am valuable. I found friends. I found opard. I found G.B. i found friends.

I have three papers, one test, one project. I have one heart that needs mending. I have one longing that needs fulfilling. I have two parents that I must make proud. I have a future to look forward to. I have one God that I need to serve.

venting.

i.am.frustrated.
i am tired mehn...like really. I can’t sleep, and it’s one of those times when i have so many things swirling around in my head and I can’t seem to run away from it all.
Final year is exhausting. Law final year is a notch worse. I am so tired of thinking, of running around, staring at the law school website. And we are spending so much money! Expenses crop up left, right and centre, I’m beginning to feel bad every time I have to ask my Pa for money.
Then there’s exams. In three weeks. Three short weeks!no..make that two and half weeks. I still have not put finishing touches to my project. I haven’t gotten this law school registration out of my hair. Obviously i have not been doing much reading. I just want to leave everything and sleep. No such luck though. Have to get up early to get to the medical centre. if only i could get some rest.

So darn tired...