My goodness...
I’m tired. I did not achieve anything today school-wise, because I got side-tracked, and I did not know how to get myself out of it. When I’m tired, things seem different, the world is a drearier place. I wonder when I’ll ever be tired and happy.
I have taken up a destructive habit. One that has caused me trouble in times past, and one that is part of my present predicament. It would appear that I have not learnt my lesson. With him, or anyone else for that matter.
The thing is, after the first few times, I promised myself that I would not do it again. That I will do better next time. That it only makes me feel worse. But then the situation presents itself, and truthfully, it makes me forget my pain, even if it’s for the shortest time...
My plan seems to be wavering a bit. Maybe its because I’m back in school with many distractions. I guess I have to adjust. I will try not to talk about it until it actually works. In the mean time, I need to stop sleeping with the enemy.
My heart is no longer with me, not really anyway. Living without a heart is not so easy, but it is necessary, and hopefully, it will pay off.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
By golly...
Shoot!!!
So, less than 10 minutes ago, I was about to sleep. Before then, I was thinking semi-evil thoughts. You know, a cross between naughty and evil. Thoughts which were brought about by a temptation I yielded to. So as I tried to forget and settle in, I got my wrapper to cover myself. Only, as I stretched the wrapper, my finger was cut by the ceiling fan...again! it was like, huh? You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be happening again. But it did. And my ever-efficient room mate got the closest thing to methylated spirit: perfume, and she tortured me. She opened the wounds, determined to get all the dirt out. As I was yelling in pain, I could not help laughing at the irony of the situation. It was like God was knocking my head, saying, “Kemi, I warned you... Don’t you dare think (and do) that again!”.
So now it’s all cleaned up. I have faith that no tetanus will get in, because I have no intention of getting to that health centre.
Okay Lord, I hope I have gotten the message this time. In the meantime, please help me say no to those other “temptations” that are knocking at my door...
So, less than 10 minutes ago, I was about to sleep. Before then, I was thinking semi-evil thoughts. You know, a cross between naughty and evil. Thoughts which were brought about by a temptation I yielded to. So as I tried to forget and settle in, I got my wrapper to cover myself. Only, as I stretched the wrapper, my finger was cut by the ceiling fan...again! it was like, huh? You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be happening again. But it did. And my ever-efficient room mate got the closest thing to methylated spirit: perfume, and she tortured me. She opened the wounds, determined to get all the dirt out. As I was yelling in pain, I could not help laughing at the irony of the situation. It was like God was knocking my head, saying, “Kemi, I warned you... Don’t you dare think (and do) that again!”.
So now it’s all cleaned up. I have faith that no tetanus will get in, because I have no intention of getting to that health centre.
Okay Lord, I hope I have gotten the message this time. In the meantime, please help me say no to those other “temptations” that are knocking at my door...
Dear Diary!
Dear non-existent followers,
I have been a very naughty girl! I’m not very experienced at this, and I usually would not do it, but this situation is anything but usual! My heart was pounding like it was gonna explode. But when I was done, it felt so good!
It might not happen again. Or maybe it might, you should never say never, that much I have learnt. But the feeling was…different. Wrong maybe, crazy definitely, not expected of a proper girl, sure…but fun? *sigh* Now I understand why people do what they do. And why it’s kind of hard to stop…
This is the shortest blog ever, but I just had to report myself.
Wish me luck ;-)
I have been a very naughty girl! I’m not very experienced at this, and I usually would not do it, but this situation is anything but usual! My heart was pounding like it was gonna explode. But when I was done, it felt so good!
It might not happen again. Or maybe it might, you should never say never, that much I have learnt. But the feeling was…different. Wrong maybe, crazy definitely, not expected of a proper girl, sure…but fun? *sigh* Now I understand why people do what they do. And why it’s kind of hard to stop…
This is the shortest blog ever, but I just had to report myself.
Wish me luck ;-)
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Ahem...
Ahem...
I am rather amazed at the number of blogs I have churned out in the last couple of days! Grief sure knows how to bring out the stuff in people...good and bad. As far as bad things go, it is getting quite obvious that I have not been sleeping. My health isn’t doing so great, and something has to give because I’ve got tons of work to do.
Today was an interesting day. Weird, but interesting. Depends on your definition of interesting though. But I came up with a plan...an almost full-proof plan, if all the variables work out. I will not share them with you yet, dear curious non-existent followers, but time will tell. You’ll see.
I came across something that I had forgotten about. Something that has a great deal of answers. Even though it’s not all quick-fix and stuff, I guess it’ll be there when i am ready to deal with stuff properly. I saw in my open heavens (my devotional that I dumped for a while, unfortunately) that you cannot conquer the day while it is day, but at night. Let’s just say that this is my night. And I know that if I don’t win this now, it’ll be waiting for me in the future. So here is to conquering the day! This is where my plan comes in, but I’m still not telling, so be patient! (I’m one to talk, I’m still learning the meaning of the word...)
Yeah, so the thing I remembered? Here it is:
Yield not to temptation
For yielding is sin
Each victory will help you
Some other to win
Fight manfully (or womanfully) onward
Dark passions subdue
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through
Ask the Saviour to help you
Comfort, strengthen and keep you
He is willing to aid you
He will carry you through
Shun evil companions
Bad language disdain
God’s name hold in reverence
Nor take it in vain
Be thoughtful and earnest
Kind-hearted and true
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through
To him that overcometh
God giveth a crown
Through faith we will conquer
Though often cast down
He who is our Saviour
Our strength will renew
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through...
So there. I put it down, and i hope i will look at it enough to get the message.
In the meantime, Confucius and all them Greco-roman people talk too much, and I have to know what they are saying!
Hopefully, this girl will get some sleep tonight. Hopefully.
I am rather amazed at the number of blogs I have churned out in the last couple of days! Grief sure knows how to bring out the stuff in people...good and bad. As far as bad things go, it is getting quite obvious that I have not been sleeping. My health isn’t doing so great, and something has to give because I’ve got tons of work to do.
Today was an interesting day. Weird, but interesting. Depends on your definition of interesting though. But I came up with a plan...an almost full-proof plan, if all the variables work out. I will not share them with you yet, dear curious non-existent followers, but time will tell. You’ll see.
I came across something that I had forgotten about. Something that has a great deal of answers. Even though it’s not all quick-fix and stuff, I guess it’ll be there when i am ready to deal with stuff properly. I saw in my open heavens (my devotional that I dumped for a while, unfortunately) that you cannot conquer the day while it is day, but at night. Let’s just say that this is my night. And I know that if I don’t win this now, it’ll be waiting for me in the future. So here is to conquering the day! This is where my plan comes in, but I’m still not telling, so be patient! (I’m one to talk, I’m still learning the meaning of the word...)
Yeah, so the thing I remembered? Here it is:
Yield not to temptation
For yielding is sin
Each victory will help you
Some other to win
Fight manfully (or womanfully) onward
Dark passions subdue
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through
Ask the Saviour to help you
Comfort, strengthen and keep you
He is willing to aid you
He will carry you through
Shun evil companions
Bad language disdain
God’s name hold in reverence
Nor take it in vain
Be thoughtful and earnest
Kind-hearted and true
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through
To him that overcometh
God giveth a crown
Through faith we will conquer
Though often cast down
He who is our Saviour
Our strength will renew
Look ever to Jesus
He’ll carry you through...
So there. I put it down, and i hope i will look at it enough to get the message.
In the meantime, Confucius and all them Greco-roman people talk too much, and I have to know what they are saying!
Hopefully, this girl will get some sleep tonight. Hopefully.
Broken (3)
It would appear that my days now begin at 3 in the morning. Because now I wake up and I can’t go back to sleep. My head hurts, my mouth tastes funny, and I get restless. So I decided this morning that a little torture might be appropriate, to commensurate this insomnic occasion. I look for my phone, my old companion who has been with me from the beginning, and I begin to read text messages. The whole wiping away all traces of a person- texts, pictures and wotnot is just rubbish, never works for me anyway. Apparently, marinating in pain and suffering is more appealing. Weird person I am.
Anyways, I go through the messages, and I began to remember things I should be trying to forget. But I know that I cannot forget. Something about trying to remember someone you never met. Its impossible like that. I tried everything. I prayed, tried to pray, cried, you know the works. And then I came to another depressing realisation. The one thing that will most likely totally break me, is if by some chance or way or method, I find out that he has been broken totally. If anything happens to him, I know that something will happen to me too. Because you see, what we have is not ordinary. It is nowhere near common. Its not even logical. That’s why this situation is so absurd. I think how two years ago we were living independent lives, now a part of me is dying because of him. How can a situation be so hopeless? How can there be absolutely no way? How can I live like this?
I heard somewhere that if you let your love go and it comes back, it is back to stay. I’m scared because I am still hoping. Very soon I will be too scared to hope. Every time I try to pre-empt God, I fall flat on my face. Because it never turns out the way I hope it would. So maybe if I don’t imagine how it might happen, it will not elude me again. These days I don’t really pray for myself anymore. When I can pray ,all I do is beg God on his behalf, that somehow God will reach him and help him in ways that I cannot.
He once said something about how I never ran from reality, no matter how hard, or maybe he did not say it. Seems like a stray memory wedged somewhere in my head. But I have never had to face a reality this difficult, this gut-wrenching. This reality haunts me day and night. It makes me weak with pain. This reality has taken my sleep, dulled my senses. This reality is ripping me apart.
God said He would not give us more than we can handle. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Anyways, I go through the messages, and I began to remember things I should be trying to forget. But I know that I cannot forget. Something about trying to remember someone you never met. Its impossible like that. I tried everything. I prayed, tried to pray, cried, you know the works. And then I came to another depressing realisation. The one thing that will most likely totally break me, is if by some chance or way or method, I find out that he has been broken totally. If anything happens to him, I know that something will happen to me too. Because you see, what we have is not ordinary. It is nowhere near common. Its not even logical. That’s why this situation is so absurd. I think how two years ago we were living independent lives, now a part of me is dying because of him. How can a situation be so hopeless? How can there be absolutely no way? How can I live like this?
I heard somewhere that if you let your love go and it comes back, it is back to stay. I’m scared because I am still hoping. Very soon I will be too scared to hope. Every time I try to pre-empt God, I fall flat on my face. Because it never turns out the way I hope it would. So maybe if I don’t imagine how it might happen, it will not elude me again. These days I don’t really pray for myself anymore. When I can pray ,all I do is beg God on his behalf, that somehow God will reach him and help him in ways that I cannot.
He once said something about how I never ran from reality, no matter how hard, or maybe he did not say it. Seems like a stray memory wedged somewhere in my head. But I have never had to face a reality this difficult, this gut-wrenching. This reality haunts me day and night. It makes me weak with pain. This reality has taken my sleep, dulled my senses. This reality is ripping me apart.
God said He would not give us more than we can handle. But I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
Friday, June 25, 2010
class of 10 (part 2)
So, we are in our finals. Even if some of us can't wait to get out of this school, it's like our last few months together, as a class. That is something to be happy about right? The kind of time that you would want to have good memories and memorabilia and wot-not. At least that's the way i see it. So you would not mind making a few sacrifices here and there, stressing yourself and your pockets, cos hey, its a one time thing, right?
Wrong. At least most people don't see it that way. Most of them are 'broke', or just too uninterested to make an effort. So today, me being the over-sabi person that i can sometimes be, decide to carry it on my head,forming collector and convincer of the brethren.
But i was met with such negativity, i got pissed. Then i got scolded.
i ask my self, is it my father's business? Is it my mother's work? Absolutely not. As my darling Opard would tell me, it really is not important. Just so much stress that we carry, because we care.
Well, i'm not interested in caring anymore. Whoever isn't down with it, good for them! Keep your money and your time. As for me, i will go as all out as i can to create the best of memories for myself. i will struggle to participate in as much activity as is sensible. i will have a grand time, perhaps talk with people i have never really spoken to. i'll form new friendships and cement old ones.
Opard is being...well, himself really. With all his principles and stuff. But i love him, very dearly. More dearly as we get to the end of this journey. Because, he is the one constant person that has been there for me in this school. He supports, scolds, teaches me things that i'm too caught up to see. He is probably the best thing that has happened to me in this school. In yr 1, we were really tight,yr 2 and 3 we drifted a bit,yr 4 i was kinda distracted, but we are back together this final year. Bigger, better, and stronger.
At some point i was contemplating writing my friends letters, something they will remember me by. Maybe when i get some money, i'll buy some fancy stationary and do just that. Opard will be first on my list.
Class of 10... sui generis...for sure.
Wrong. At least most people don't see it that way. Most of them are 'broke', or just too uninterested to make an effort. So today, me being the over-sabi person that i can sometimes be, decide to carry it on my head,forming collector and convincer of the brethren.
But i was met with such negativity, i got pissed. Then i got scolded.
i ask my self, is it my father's business? Is it my mother's work? Absolutely not. As my darling Opard would tell me, it really is not important. Just so much stress that we carry, because we care.
Well, i'm not interested in caring anymore. Whoever isn't down with it, good for them! Keep your money and your time. As for me, i will go as all out as i can to create the best of memories for myself. i will struggle to participate in as much activity as is sensible. i will have a grand time, perhaps talk with people i have never really spoken to. i'll form new friendships and cement old ones.
Opard is being...well, himself really. With all his principles and stuff. But i love him, very dearly. More dearly as we get to the end of this journey. Because, he is the one constant person that has been there for me in this school. He supports, scolds, teaches me things that i'm too caught up to see. He is probably the best thing that has happened to me in this school. In yr 1, we were really tight,yr 2 and 3 we drifted a bit,yr 4 i was kinda distracted, but we are back together this final year. Bigger, better, and stronger.
At some point i was contemplating writing my friends letters, something they will remember me by. Maybe when i get some money, i'll buy some fancy stationary and do just that. Opard will be first on my list.
Class of 10... sui generis...for sure.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
From a very truthful point of view
25th June 2010
From a very truthful point of view
Its 4:46 in the morning, when normal human beings should be sleeping. But I’m up, feeling the signs of sickness creeping up, and feeling like the worst fool in the world.
Why do human beings refuse to think through their actions? Why are we, or rather why am I so controlled by emotion, that I don’t think about consequences?
I should not have gone there. It was an absolutely idiotic thing to do. Because the only thing I achieved was making things worse. I’m beginning to wonder if meeting me was not the worst thing that ever happened to him, because I am the focal point of all his misery at the moment.
I claim to love him, to really love him, but I break him down all the time. I break his resolve, his will, his efforts. From the very beginning, that’s all I’ve been doing without even trying. Chopping down all he has been trying to build, all in the name of love, or attraction, or some other stupid concept.
He said I had more than him. God. Good family. If that’s true, then I am begging this God, to please reach out to him in the depths of his misery, because I’m totally helpless in that venture.
Maybe I have been trying too hard. My friend told me, that no one can change another human being. But i certainly can make another person experience hell.
He said it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That was much easier to say when the loving was okay. Now that that isn't enough, it just sounds like crap to me. Perhaps i will see it differently in the future. But right now all I see is the pain that loving me has brought.
If you ever read this blog, I want you to know that I cannot justify what i did yesterday, and I cannot justify the pains I have brought anew, but I am really sorry that I brought such misery into your life. I am really sorry that you are going through this hell on earth. I am really sorry that I crept in and complicated your life. I am really sorry that loving me has become a burden, almost a curse. Every part of me is screaming to take away your pain, to do something that will make it all go away. But I am only human, with no answers still. I am helpless in this matter, totally helpless, hating the fact that I am so helpless. If I could go back, I would stay away from you, because loving me cannot be worth all this misery.
From a very truth point of view, I learn the true meaning of pain anew.
From a very truthful point of view
Its 4:46 in the morning, when normal human beings should be sleeping. But I’m up, feeling the signs of sickness creeping up, and feeling like the worst fool in the world.
Why do human beings refuse to think through their actions? Why are we, or rather why am I so controlled by emotion, that I don’t think about consequences?
I should not have gone there. It was an absolutely idiotic thing to do. Because the only thing I achieved was making things worse. I’m beginning to wonder if meeting me was not the worst thing that ever happened to him, because I am the focal point of all his misery at the moment.
I claim to love him, to really love him, but I break him down all the time. I break his resolve, his will, his efforts. From the very beginning, that’s all I’ve been doing without even trying. Chopping down all he has been trying to build, all in the name of love, or attraction, or some other stupid concept.
He said I had more than him. God. Good family. If that’s true, then I am begging this God, to please reach out to him in the depths of his misery, because I’m totally helpless in that venture.
Maybe I have been trying too hard. My friend told me, that no one can change another human being. But i certainly can make another person experience hell.
He said it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That was much easier to say when the loving was okay. Now that that isn't enough, it just sounds like crap to me. Perhaps i will see it differently in the future. But right now all I see is the pain that loving me has brought.
If you ever read this blog, I want you to know that I cannot justify what i did yesterday, and I cannot justify the pains I have brought anew, but I am really sorry that I brought such misery into your life. I am really sorry that you are going through this hell on earth. I am really sorry that I crept in and complicated your life. I am really sorry that loving me has become a burden, almost a curse. Every part of me is screaming to take away your pain, to do something that will make it all go away. But I am only human, with no answers still. I am helpless in this matter, totally helpless, hating the fact that I am so helpless. If I could go back, I would stay away from you, because loving me cannot be worth all this misery.
From a very truth point of view, I learn the true meaning of pain anew.
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