Broken (2)

24th June 2010
It’s funny how we go through many different phases. How we feel one thing one minute, then feel something totally different the next minute. Trying to go back to what you felt before is hard sometimes, and trying to not feel what you feel is probably impossible.
Feelings. They can be a real burden. Emotions. Sometimes I wish I did not have any, that I was cold and calculating, that I could stop myself from feeling whenever I wanted to. Times like now for instance.
What did I do? I sent both of us back 50 miles. But I could not help it. I wanted to go, one more time, hoping in some silly part of my mind that I could look him in the eye and somehow relieve this pain. How utterly wrong I was.
I am just a girl. In love with a boy. Why does that have to be so complicated? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to involve truck-loads of pain?
Because life is such an arse sometimes. Because there are rules. Because there is chemistry. And ultimately, because there is God.
I went today, tried his strength and his will power. I can’t promise you, dear non-existent followers, that I won’t go back again. I feel like I’m almost at the point where I can do just about anything.
One of the reasons why I love him so much, is that he is so darn sensible. He thinks, no matter how much he is hurting, he thinks. What kind of man is he? His love is probably purer than mine, more selfless. I just want to be with him. Why is that so impossible? I want him to be okay, really I do. I want to take away all his pain. I want to see him happy. I want this to be a bad dream that I will awaken from, and everything will be alright again.
I don’t trust myself. I laid my heart at his feet today. I want to be able to talk to him, about the little inconsequential things.
I want my love back.

class of 10 (part 1)

Today was pretty awesome. We won the Deans cup in the faculty for the fourth time in a row... how cool is that?totally amazing i'll tell you.
The entire experience, from the anxiety when the opposing team almost scored, to the goals we scored...the way we all come together to cheer and support is just really awesome. i imagine how far we would go if we could come together with one voice like this. it's funny how football seems to be the most unifying factor these days, where people who hardly talk, or probably never will after the event will stand as one to cheer and scream for the teams they love. speaking of love, i really have come to love our football team, as in, who wouldn't? the haters definately,but that is their loss. our footballers work hard,as a team, and they kick some major ass. and even though there were some scary times, they still did not disappoint.
The class of 2010 has been one with way too much drama, but i hope at the end of the day we can refrain form conflicts and more embarrassing situations.
In the meantime, go class of 10...we totally rock! *singing* four years don waka, we still dey carry go, nobody waka, nobody go solo, Baba God o,na your grace o,by your grace o, a dupe o...

why?

I'm hurting myself. I sit here, and i am generally pulling my hair out, metaphorically that is...
what is up with me? why do i keep doing this? who am i really? some weak girl who breaks at the first sight of trouble? Did i ever have any strength, or was i fooling myself all the while? Am i really any different, or am i just the same content in different skin? i dont get myself anymore. I'm wallowing in weakness and utter silliness, and i feel stuck. where is the fight? where are you kemi? surely this cannot be me. there has to be some fight left, somewhere..anywhere...
For the past how many days, i've been in front of my computer, chattering away to myself, thinking about how no one else will probably ever see this, or maybe some bored soul will stumble upon it sometime.
this is very embarrasing, utterly ridiculous,,,human, but ridiculous.
God, i know You can hear me, see me, feel my pain. Pls, somehow, help me.

Still sad, still broken.

trying my hands on poetry...

Trying my hands on poetry
Feeling from deep within
Wondering for a long time, when did this all begin?
I led myself to a place, a very deep place
With so much love to offer, so much love to give.
My mind slowly took it in, my soul embraced it
My heart broke through barriers and wove itself through it
Then suddenly the truth dawns, that truth that has been knocking
Let me be! Let me be! Spare me all the agony
I want my love, my heart, my companion
The only one that has become my heart’s champion
I want to love him, to care for him, teach him
Show him everything that together we can be
But this Truth, this Force, this Light, this Fire
Burns at my conscience, threatens my desire
I don’t want to let go, I wont let go,
I don’t want to be broken, to the depths of my very soul
But let go I must, the truth I must face
Must shatter this bond that I don’t want to break
Can I do this, can I leave?
Can I walk away from all the joy you bring?
here I am now, here I stand, aching for that love that some never have
will I ever have it again, will I ever be whole,
will I ever feel the beat of my wounded soul?
will I remain hurt, longing, craving
For my City Love, my missing fabric
Of one thing I am sure, of this I am certain
This beat of my heart,will never be silenced.

Living again.

21st June 2010. 12:04p.m.

Today, I think I made some progress. Was able to keep my mind focused enough to talk to God, and I hope it’ll only get better.
I’ve been doing okay, just okay. Two or three nights ago, i was dreaming about it, kind of, and I woke up feeling ...bla. As in really, can I not have my dreams to myself again? I’m working on it. Working on getting my life back together. Baby steps though.
We were supposed to have 2 tests today, thankfully they did not hold, cos I was like half ready for one, and quarter ready for the other. Its amazing how very soon I will no longer be kemi the undergraduate. Will soon be kemi, the graduate. Am I totally psyched about this? Not particularly. Maybe because I don’t see what the hype is all about. Maybe cos with all the stress of school, I kind of enjoy it... boring lectures, not-so-boring lecturers, registration, frustrated middle-aged men and women, the suffering, the fun, the laughs. It’s all part of the process, and I am an ardent believer in enjoying the process. Maybe sometime soon, when I am able, I will analyse my journey through this school, the changes in me, the lessons and all that. But write now, there are many things i’ll rather not be thinking about at the moment. What I do need to think about, is my project, staring me in the face, reminding me of the deadline, and urging me to put in a truck load of work. By God’s grace, it will all pay off.
Living again just might be okay...baby step by baby step.

thoughts...

16^th June 2010. 9.50p.m

Its another dark night in the hall. Tired of wondering about what is up with the power supply. But darkness means boredom, and boredom means bad thoughts. Thoughts I really should not be thinking about. My trip to and from camp was good, at least traffic-wise. But in my head, it was a totally different story. My thoughts were cruel to me, reminding me of things, suggesting things. Or maybe it was just me being cruel to myself. But right now, sitting on my bed, my chest feeling funny, I cant decide if I should examine these thoughts or not. Of note is my eating pattern of late. I have been having way too much chocolate, I’m even tired of the stuff..at least for now. I’ve been eating a lot, spending money I really shouldn’t be spending. I definitely need to get grip before I totally clean myself out.

I wonder to myself, what is happening to me? When did I become like this, sad and pitiable? God says if you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. That must mean my strength is -10. Problem is, I cant seem to focus enough to search for the strength. My attention span seems awfully short these days, and its kind of worrisome.

MS has been real supportive, helpful and wotnot. But some of the messages I’ve been getting are ringing tiny bells in my head. Its probably nothing, and I sincerely hope it is nothing, but I’ll like to be extra careful, I would definitely not want to get myself into that kind of sticky situation.

Speaking of sticky, I also need to learn to keep my overly affectionate hands to myself. Apparently a meaningless touch or squeeze is being misconstrued by some, like how the class people are asking questions about me and GB. For the safety and sanity of CH as well, I can like to reduce all the contact.

But that’s that. I’m just trying to live. Its funny, I wonder if I’ll ever be okay, and forget all this. But a part of me does not want to forget. Honestly, a part of me still holds on, hoping against hope that everything will work out, that this will turn out good, that the sincere hope I expressed to my dear friend enny will be a reality.

I can only hope, and pray that this hope will not be the death of me.

Broken.

The time has finally come.

I should be reading for my possible jurisprudence test, or trying to work on my project. But instead, I’m typing. Putting down thoughts that I have been too scared to face for weeks. I’m not even certain that I can face them now, but there is something that pushes my fingers to try, to pour out my thoughts before they elude me again, to chronicle this time of my life so that hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to read it and smile.

The last few weeks of my life have been the very worst that I have experienced in all my years on this earth. I have experienced the intricacies of the feeling of heartbreak. Yes, my heart has been broken, and I don’t know how to put it together again. I have doubted the very foundations of who I am, what I believe, what I am about. I have been hurt, cried, been desperate, broken. I try so hard to understand why, how, for what purpose, but my sight fails me, and I don’t have any answers. I lost my City Love, whom I knew that I loved, but did not fully get the extent of that love till I lost it. My heart has gone from being broken, to trying desperately not to care. I don’t even know how to keep a real connection with my Lord anymore, because I wallow in the pits of brokenness. Yes, that is what I am, broken. So broken that I cannot see the point of all this. Or maybe I don’t want to. Maybe it hurts too much. Maybe I don’t care.

I doubt I will be able to fully explain this now, but this is as far as I will go. Hopefully, tomorrow will be clearer. Hopefully.

15^th June 2010. 10.30p.m