December 9. 21:28pm
Another kind of misery.
Now I genuinely wonder when all this will end, if it ll ever end.
Between my last entry and this one, I have gone down a few steps in my journey towards survival. I was pondering, wondering why it seemed most of the blame was at my feet. Till I realised that in actual fact, it is.
I don't understand how I managed to skip something so essential. Or maybe I assumed that he knew it. Maybe I had mentioned it in passing and did not lay enough emphasis on it. On what? You may wonder... Well, the beginning of all this drama that has been the story of my life these past seven months. The beginning which explains why I was stuck in the bubble of hope. You see, I was looking at the bigger picture. A bigger, more permanent picture that was supposed to be the goal. So I thought it sensible to sacrifice the now for the later. Only problem was that at the time, it didn't look so clear. All it looked like was me running scared because of what people thought. But it wasn't that. I did not want to totally eliminate the chances of forever right now. However, things could have been different if I had communicated my thoughts to him. Maybe it would have been less painful to handle. Maybe.
So now, I see what has happened, and I'm wondering how this 'intelligent' girl could be so overcome with useless emotion. I'm disgusted with myself...gosh... So grieved was I with the pain of my inaction that I could not move..I felt paralyzed by pain...
Suddenly, bliss seems much farther...will I ever find it? Or will it find me?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Survival...
December 9. 4:55pm
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Class today was long! Like really, I was so upset...dragged on till I could barely concentrate. Thankfully its done and I'm in my room, planning tonight's events in my head.
I'm still here, alive. I'm not doing too badly in the rudimentary stages of survival. I'm almost proud of myself even, almost.
I had fun yesterday. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. But this guy's affections are somewhat ill timed, and I really don't want him hurt. Like really. So I'm tryna be as straight as possible. I really would hate for him to just be a distraction.
I had an epiphany of some sort today..it was like a glimpse into freedom, into bliss. Like in that moment, I could feel it, taste it, almost touch it...and it felt wonderful. I know it would still take some work, but I'm optimistic.
I have friends that love me. Even when I doubted if there was anything to love really, they showed me that there was, and maybe grief blinded my eyes. I am who I am, and I'm not interested in changing. He may see me and see what he choses to see, what helps him feel better or worse about the situation. He may give me all kinds of labels in a failed effort to demean me, but if only he would wait and see, if only he would breathe and be still, perhaps then he would see the truth. Or maybe he will never see it, and he will stick to his views that have convinced him, as wrong as they are, that there is no point. I know that there's nothing I can say to make him see. I'm not interested in trying to make him see. If you chose not to see, then that's your choice. But time will tell. It always does. And when you do see, I hope you will still be happy with your stand point.
Hate was one of the means I considered to survive, but I have realised that hate is such a waste of time, and energy. Its a luxury that no one deserves. Won't do me much good anyway.
Ah, the world is so myopic. Even the thinkers amongst us. They can barely see what's in front of them. And the pain we try to run away from is the very thing that blinds us.
Time will tell. I have tried so hard to speak for it. I have cried and wailed for it. I have hurt myself, considered drastic measures for it. When time has told its story, and all your methods have failed,hopefully, you will turn to the one that has beem there all along.
And who made you judge? How can you tell if I'm different or not, when you are too scared to look? Perhaps you are scared of what I will see...Smh...if only you knew...
Perhaps my most abstract entry yet. Hopefully the last of its kind.
To go out or not to go out? That is indeed tonight's pertinent question.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
stability...of sm sort..
December 8. 5:43pm.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
I am where I am. Had a weird couple of nights, where it was hard to seperate dream from reality. Actually had a 5min conversation and the only part of it I remember was when he said he would get off the phone so I could go sleep. Amazing.
Now I have the utmost respect for those who suffer because of cheating husbands. I'm amazed at those who cope with illegitimate children. I have greater compassion for the girl or boy who cuts himself, in an effort to be free of pain. I now see that there are some kinds of pain much stronger than the physical, because I would welcome with open arms the period pains I used to suffer, if it ll rid me of that which hurt my soul...
So yeah, for almost two days, I think I've been somewhat stable. I have tried to ignore those emotions that I know could destroy me. I know that eventually I will have to face them, but right now I do not have the strength. I just really want to focus on living. I seem to also appreciate the fact that life is too short to take on the crap that some people dish out, like really, life is tooo short, and goodness, I'm sick of caring. Cos caring is what hurts you the most. Caring is what gives people the impression that they can do what they like.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I hope I don't fall back again. I don't wanna hate oh Lord. I don't want to get to that point. I just want to live. Please help me live.
Monday, December 6, 2010
...
December 6. 1:20pm.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
Help...somebody...I need an intervention...and I need it now..I can't do this by myself, I don't want to self-destruct like this...please God...please help me.
shadows.
Shadows.
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
When I close my eyes, the shadows are there, waiting in welcome.
They swirl and stir, conjure images past, present,possibly.
The shadows...they keep me company as I bleed out
For that is where I am right now,bleeding.
Self inflicted, maybe, but that's it, that's the way my mind works. I've searched and prodded, guess its now time.
We were so intertwined, you and I. But the shadows bring me crashing down into reality with a hard thud.
The shadows have taken the fabric, rung it out, cut in pieces what's left.
And now I'm bleeding out. Its funny how the pain of the blade stuck in my skin appeals to me more. Because when one pain registers, the other grows dimmer. So I stick the blade in, deeper still till I reach the mark, then I watch as I bleed out.
And I can only hope, that as the blood flows out, the shadows disappear. As I watch the blood flow, I hope it does nt show itself. I hope it calls no attention to me till its done.
The Shadows...they come laced with pain, but then, pain is such a companion these days..
I have the dots nicely connected. I have one little detail out, but its not that important.
December 6, 12:50... Wish u cld see me right now. Fascinating stuff...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
reality
Reality unfolds...
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
December 5, 1:45pm
I feel sick to my stomach. Its barely 12hrs since my world suffered another blow. I don't want to write really, I am trying to be brave. But I fear that if I don't write, I will become bitter and twisted.
Every spare moment when my mind is not occupied, the thoughts come flooding in, hunting, tormenting. It still feels like a dream, like I imagined it, like any moment I will awake and thank God it was only a bad dream.
But this is no dream. No sir, this is reality at its finest. The status has changed, it is gone. It can never return, and I had no part in it.
I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, tearing my hair out. Anything to get rid of this pain that mocks me, torments me. At the forefront of it, my soul whispers one question:why?
Why was the thought of me, the love of me not strong enough to stop you? Why was I so little, so inconsequential? Why did it become so trivial to you, that which we had thought about, talked about, dreamt about? Why was it not enough? Why did u chose to be like everyone else? Why? Why did you decide that it was no big deal, why did you chose to forget God? Why? Why? Why was I not there, in another place, another situation with you? Why does my soul feel like it cannot get past this? Why do I feel betrayed? Why does this have to be so important to me? Why? Why do I love you so much? Why did you chose to let it all go? I don't understand. Why was our love not enough? Why does the thought of you in that situation feel like I'm being run over by a mac truck over and over? When will the tears end in my soul? How will I ever be able to look at you the same way? How did it all come to this? Why did you let the pain win? Why?
When will I be whole again? How will I live free?
Saturday, December 4, 2010
pain redefined.
How do I explain the pain, raw and stark, that flows through my body? I don't think it can be expressed with words. I could try though...
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
Its like a person that has been tortured, and has been managing with the pain,clinging to a flimsy strand of release, until that strand is yanked away, and a fresh wave of pain is introduced. No matter how long, nothing prepares him for the feel of this new onslaught. It comes tidal wave after wave, merciless as it metes out its punishment.
My soul cries out,its tryin to understand why? How? When? Not making too much of a headway, it transmits the pain to my body, which has less success at understanding. Maybe because these two parts of me hoped. Hoped foolishly, like a stupid child. Hoped that at the end of the day, it would have been worth the wait. My silly mind dreamed, of gold rings and silk red sheets, scented candles with 'not like crazy' playing in the background, that wonderful day when it ll all be worth it. How intensely foolish of me.
So now what? That dream has gone down d drain, there seems to be no point dreaming anything else. Perhaps its time to put an end to all my foolish and naïve dreams, they afterall, only multiply the pain, as if that were possible.
Let it go. I have no idea how. Lord pls help me, for the only thing that registered, is the last vestiges of hope shattering to pieces.
Ah, pain, redefined. Let me be. Pls Lord, have mercy on us both.
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