Is there any such thing as square zero? you know, that point that is worse than square one. Cos if there is, that's where i've been hanging out 4 a while. At least in square one i was not acting like a crazy person. In square one i was not in this much physical pain. In square one i did not feel like someone was trying hard to suck the life out of me. So yeah, when you think you are back to square one, do remember, there is always some place worse!
I heard about a girl who prophesied during the hall week. Something about God being disappointed with this generation and this campus, and how He was gonna punish the campus. Funny thing is, someone else had said something similar before. Then there was the prophecy at the beginning of the year, about how youths should be careful of the company they keep and going out at night. Pretty scary stuff, considering the fact that my spirituality is not much to write home about at the moment. But then who can blame the Lord? we are a pretty messed up generation. We take so many things for granted, screw everything screwable, and we reserve God for sundays, between 9-12, not even the whole day. Hopefully we will get a wake up call sooner rather than later, because banking on later is not the safest gamble...anything can happen.
Right now, i don't feel good. Yesterday was particularly horrible. Today, perhaps slightly better. I have compounded my issues by talking too much, saying hurtful things that reflect what i have been feeling.
Someone told me to try to look forward to that time when this pain will end, or at least subside. Someone else suggested that i get myself a re-bound boyfriend. Funny thing, i got a very eager volunteer today. It was very amusing how willing he was, and how slightly tempted i am. Only slightly though...at least i hope so.
In the meantime, my project deadline will not shift with my mood. Neither will tommorrow's possible test (which i am not ready for) waver on my account.
Loving me was a responsibility, you once told me. You have no idea how true that is.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Never again.
A little while ago, as i was walking down the road, i tried to focus on all the sights and sounds around me. To enjoy the sound of the moving vehicles, people chattering, the blaring horns, the swishing leaves. Because those sounds gave me more peace than my thoughts.
i have realized that things are not always as they seem.And people are not always what you believe them to be, and as for yourself, well, you just might wake up tommorrow and be shocked.
Yesterday, i felt like i was dying. Literally, like my body was doing strange things, not listening to my instructions. My mind was not in a much better place, because i felt so horribly twisted, so bent out of shape. it's the kind of feeling that cannot really be explained. In my pain, i reached out to the one person who promised to always be there, and he was not. I am still amazed at how easy it is for him to ignore, to decide that it does not mean a thing, to read those words and continue with his life, like all is right with the world.
i used to fancy myself as one with some kind of influence, some sort of impact. Apparently i had little or no impact in this case, as it was quite easy to turn away.
One thing is sure though, that as long as i remain, i will never let anyone have this kind of power over me again. the kind that can leave me feeling so helpless, leave me aching for just one word.
i gave you that power, and when i needed you the most, you threw it in my face.
Never again.
i have realized that things are not always as they seem.And people are not always what you believe them to be, and as for yourself, well, you just might wake up tommorrow and be shocked.
Yesterday, i felt like i was dying. Literally, like my body was doing strange things, not listening to my instructions. My mind was not in a much better place, because i felt so horribly twisted, so bent out of shape. it's the kind of feeling that cannot really be explained. In my pain, i reached out to the one person who promised to always be there, and he was not. I am still amazed at how easy it is for him to ignore, to decide that it does not mean a thing, to read those words and continue with his life, like all is right with the world.
i used to fancy myself as one with some kind of influence, some sort of impact. Apparently i had little or no impact in this case, as it was quite easy to turn away.
One thing is sure though, that as long as i remain, i will never let anyone have this kind of power over me again. the kind that can leave me feeling so helpless, leave me aching for just one word.
i gave you that power, and when i needed you the most, you threw it in my face.
Never again.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
...
Oops! I did it again.
Blog number 24. Dedicated to stupid decisions, silly reasons, bad consequences.
Dear diary,
I have done it again. You know that bad habit i told you about? I’m there again. And literally, its breaking me up. Health wise, mind wise, everything wise. Once upon a time, there was one person who reined it in, without really knowing that he did. He is not here anymore, and I am doing horribly on my own. I thought today if he would care if my heart was closing up. I really can’t find too much inspiration to stay away from that which can kill me. But day by day, the more I do it, the more dangerous it gets, the more weakened I am.
I have no appetite at the moment. I have had real food only once in three days. If this is not a sign of a problem, what is? Perhaps it’s my back, my throat, my chest, speaking to me, crying out that I should stop before I actually bring an end to all this. Or before I totally wreck my system. It would appear that I have a knack for torturing myself. It’s crazy, because usually people want to stay clear of torture, not open the door and walk right into it.
That little pep talk we had, did not do much. But right now, I am on a path which only you can put an end to. And I am not even joking.
The lady is losing it. Cheers.
Blog number 24. Dedicated to stupid decisions, silly reasons, bad consequences.
Dear diary,
I have done it again. You know that bad habit i told you about? I’m there again. And literally, its breaking me up. Health wise, mind wise, everything wise. Once upon a time, there was one person who reined it in, without really knowing that he did. He is not here anymore, and I am doing horribly on my own. I thought today if he would care if my heart was closing up. I really can’t find too much inspiration to stay away from that which can kill me. But day by day, the more I do it, the more dangerous it gets, the more weakened I am.
I have no appetite at the moment. I have had real food only once in three days. If this is not a sign of a problem, what is? Perhaps it’s my back, my throat, my chest, speaking to me, crying out that I should stop before I actually bring an end to all this. Or before I totally wreck my system. It would appear that I have a knack for torturing myself. It’s crazy, because usually people want to stay clear of torture, not open the door and walk right into it.
That little pep talk we had, did not do much. But right now, I am on a path which only you can put an end to. And I am not even joking.
The lady is losing it. Cheers.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Thinking.
So I did not break down after all. Thanks be to God. I had only garri yesterday, and I’ve had only bits of bread today.
But that’s beside the point.
I have been thinking. Heck, that’s all I’ve been doing for a while now.
As I go through the days, as I try to lay aside sadness and focus, I’m starting to see things clearly. Bit by bit.
You know how some people know what they want to do with themselves once they are out of school? Like they have a career plan and life plan and stuff. Well, I’m not one of those people. However, when I saw my role model yesterday (yes, I have a role model now!) some things started to click. I won’t be telling you all of it though. There are some things that have to happen first before you talk about them, you know? But I’m starting to get a slight idea of the kind of career person I want to be. And I have put the wheels in motion to achieve it, so help me God.
I realised another thing today. When I grow up and Lord willing, I have children (with a husband of course!), I would love for my babies (they will still be my babies when they turn 25) to be able to talk to me. Tell me anything. Good, bad and ugly if necessary. I realised how important it is to me to be as open as possible. Maybe its because right now I cannot be totally open with certain people about the stuff I’m going through, and I don’t want my future family like that. I want my babies, husband inclusive, to be able to cry on my shoulder, to tell me those things that really hurt them, and for me to be able to do the same.
As for the husband, I’m not looking for tall, dark and handsome, or some crap like that. I Just want a guy that loves God. Because I figure that if he really loves God, everything else will be sorted. As for everything else, hmm... he has to be able to look in my eyes and really see me. He has to be able to scold me well, and through it all I still feel his love. He has to have good hands. His hands must get me. Sounds weird right? Maybe I’m just dreaming. It’s okay to dream. Dreaming never hurt anyone. Hopefully, I will read this blog with him one day. I will look into his eyes and smile, and he will smile right back.
But that’s beside the point.
I have been thinking. Heck, that’s all I’ve been doing for a while now.
As I go through the days, as I try to lay aside sadness and focus, I’m starting to see things clearly. Bit by bit.
You know how some people know what they want to do with themselves once they are out of school? Like they have a career plan and life plan and stuff. Well, I’m not one of those people. However, when I saw my role model yesterday (yes, I have a role model now!) some things started to click. I won’t be telling you all of it though. There are some things that have to happen first before you talk about them, you know? But I’m starting to get a slight idea of the kind of career person I want to be. And I have put the wheels in motion to achieve it, so help me God.
I realised another thing today. When I grow up and Lord willing, I have children (with a husband of course!), I would love for my babies (they will still be my babies when they turn 25) to be able to talk to me. Tell me anything. Good, bad and ugly if necessary. I realised how important it is to me to be as open as possible. Maybe its because right now I cannot be totally open with certain people about the stuff I’m going through, and I don’t want my future family like that. I want my babies, husband inclusive, to be able to cry on my shoulder, to tell me those things that really hurt them, and for me to be able to do the same.
As for the husband, I’m not looking for tall, dark and handsome, or some crap like that. I Just want a guy that loves God. Because I figure that if he really loves God, everything else will be sorted. As for everything else, hmm... he has to be able to look in my eyes and really see me. He has to be able to scold me well, and through it all I still feel his love. He has to have good hands. His hands must get me. Sounds weird right? Maybe I’m just dreaming. It’s okay to dream. Dreaming never hurt anyone. Hopefully, I will read this blog with him one day. I will look into his eyes and smile, and he will smile right back.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Pep talk time.
Giving Kemi a pep talk...or something of the sort.
This babe, what in the world is wrong with you? Why are you so silly and unselfish at the times when you need to be self-centred? Yes, you heard me, Self- centred...you know, when it’s all about you. Now is the time. I’m not asking you to go around like a totally stewwpid gurl, giving people attitude and stuff. The kind of selfish you need to be, is the kind that realises that right now, it’s all about you. The things that matter to you. The things that are important to you. The things that will make you a better person. The things that you need. Does your Bible not command you to love your neighbour as you love yourself? No wonder you are screwing up so badly loving your neighbour, because you are so focused on what other people think and feel that you are breaking apart and disliking yourself.
So what if they make all the mistakes in the world? What if they get pregnant, get high, get drunk, wasted, stoned, polished, whatever? What if they break all the rules and develop their own? What if they say what they wanna, do what they wanna, and don’t give a shit? (pardon my french) So what if they screw up themselves and the whole world? So what? Na today? The world will go on, the sun will not stop shining, The leaves will not stop falling from the trees, and you will not get any shorter. So focus baby. Focus on what is important. And you know what that is? You. Because every man will give account of himself to God. Not of his sister, his mother, his friend, some girl or boy he really cares about...nope. Himself. It’s all about you now honey. Cos very soon it won’t be about just you no more.
Focus. And make Momma proud. You know you can...
This babe, what in the world is wrong with you? Why are you so silly and unselfish at the times when you need to be self-centred? Yes, you heard me, Self- centred...you know, when it’s all about you. Now is the time. I’m not asking you to go around like a totally stewwpid gurl, giving people attitude and stuff. The kind of selfish you need to be, is the kind that realises that right now, it’s all about you. The things that matter to you. The things that are important to you. The things that will make you a better person. The things that you need. Does your Bible not command you to love your neighbour as you love yourself? No wonder you are screwing up so badly loving your neighbour, because you are so focused on what other people think and feel that you are breaking apart and disliking yourself.
So what if they make all the mistakes in the world? What if they get pregnant, get high, get drunk, wasted, stoned, polished, whatever? What if they break all the rules and develop their own? What if they say what they wanna, do what they wanna, and don’t give a shit? (pardon my french) So what if they screw up themselves and the whole world? So what? Na today? The world will go on, the sun will not stop shining, The leaves will not stop falling from the trees, and you will not get any shorter. So focus baby. Focus on what is important. And you know what that is? You. Because every man will give account of himself to God. Not of his sister, his mother, his friend, some girl or boy he really cares about...nope. Himself. It’s all about you now honey. Cos very soon it won’t be about just you no more.
Focus. And make Momma proud. You know you can...
*sigh*
i don't know what exactly i did...actually i have a clue. i was feeling adventurous, so i tried this igbo food, had some rice after, then topped it off with some chocolate. apparently it was a wrong combo.
That was yesterday. Today, i have not been able to eat, until this evening when i took garri. my stomach is revolting so badly, i simply cannot eat, and to top it off, my body is hurting...
Today was a day that turned really good because of one single event that happened... my bestest lawyer-person came around! i knew it was going to spice up the day, and i was not at all disappointed. i thank God for his life. The illness was serious, but it could have been much worse, and he seems better, though there are tell-tale signs. It is safe to say that in this profession of mine, i now have a role model. I was very inspired today, like very. I feel like there is a goal which i now have, and everyday i'm on the way to achieving it. God bless you lawyer-man!
With all that's going on in my life, you see why i cannot afford to be sick? I have to find a way to eat, so i can take the meds. but the eating is the biggest issue right now.
i sincerely hope that today was not just a blib, a feeling. i hope it is permanent. i hope it will be all about good results from here on out.
Wish me luck... wait,i don't believe in luck...wish me something good sha.
That was yesterday. Today, i have not been able to eat, until this evening when i took garri. my stomach is revolting so badly, i simply cannot eat, and to top it off, my body is hurting...
Today was a day that turned really good because of one single event that happened... my bestest lawyer-person came around! i knew it was going to spice up the day, and i was not at all disappointed. i thank God for his life. The illness was serious, but it could have been much worse, and he seems better, though there are tell-tale signs. It is safe to say that in this profession of mine, i now have a role model. I was very inspired today, like very. I feel like there is a goal which i now have, and everyday i'm on the way to achieving it. God bless you lawyer-man!
With all that's going on in my life, you see why i cannot afford to be sick? I have to find a way to eat, so i can take the meds. but the eating is the biggest issue right now.
i sincerely hope that today was not just a blib, a feeling. i hope it is permanent. i hope it will be all about good results from here on out.
Wish me luck... wait,i don't believe in luck...wish me something good sha.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It’s the second of July. June is long gone, never coming back. Without too much thought, I know the first half of this year was not the greatest, and that’s putting it very mildly. So I’m thinking how this second half has to be better, because it’s too critical not to get better. I have a deadline. Two weeks. And I ain’t even a quarter through the work. God help me...
I want to do something ground breaking. I want to quit this habit that I have developed that is hurting me and other people...kind of. I don’t want to be 25 and look back on my 21st year and see only sadness and miserableness.
So I need to start moving. I need to start moving quick. Because there really is no time left. All that nonsense that I did in June, and May, I can’t carry them over. I want to make myself proud. Make God proud. Make him proud. Not that he will even know. Not that I will be able to call and tell him. Not that he would even ask. Hopefully, knowing that I did good will make me feel better.
I slept for a bit. Thank God I slept. I felt so horrid yesterday, I hope i don’t come down with anything. Now is certainly the worst time for that.
All is not gloomy though. My bestest lawyer-person is coming over today! When I heard, that brought an instant smile to my face. I mean how could it not? If you met him, (and you were not intimidated) you would understand why. He has been sick though, for a rather long period. Too long for comfort in fact. But he is doing better. I hope it’s nothing terminal. Hopefully at the end of the meeting, I’ll have something fun to blog about.
In the meantime, I’m going into work mode.
By the way, if you read this, and you know who you are, put up a blog already! We may not be on speaking/seeing/any kind of terms at the moment, but it don’t mean I don’t love your blogs. They are brilliant, and I’m still your biggest fan. So put one up!
Why do i suddenly feel sick? Aww mehn...
I want to do something ground breaking. I want to quit this habit that I have developed that is hurting me and other people...kind of. I don’t want to be 25 and look back on my 21st year and see only sadness and miserableness.
So I need to start moving. I need to start moving quick. Because there really is no time left. All that nonsense that I did in June, and May, I can’t carry them over. I want to make myself proud. Make God proud. Make him proud. Not that he will even know. Not that I will be able to call and tell him. Not that he would even ask. Hopefully, knowing that I did good will make me feel better.
I slept for a bit. Thank God I slept. I felt so horrid yesterday, I hope i don’t come down with anything. Now is certainly the worst time for that.
All is not gloomy though. My bestest lawyer-person is coming over today! When I heard, that brought an instant smile to my face. I mean how could it not? If you met him, (and you were not intimidated) you would understand why. He has been sick though, for a rather long period. Too long for comfort in fact. But he is doing better. I hope it’s nothing terminal. Hopefully at the end of the meeting, I’ll have something fun to blog about.
In the meantime, I’m going into work mode.
By the way, if you read this, and you know who you are, put up a blog already! We may not be on speaking/seeing/any kind of terms at the moment, but it don’t mean I don’t love your blogs. They are brilliant, and I’m still your biggest fan. So put one up!
Why do i suddenly feel sick? Aww mehn...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)