Forging my own way

This isn’t how I planned to start this piece. But lets just say something happened, and things changed.

I can feel it. The weight of guilt trying to close in on me. It is somewhat unfounded, because that which I feel guilty about was not really my doing, but then again, maybe it was. Maybe with a little more thought, and a little more foresight, it could have been avoided. But the feeling is there none the less. Its that feeling that crops up when i think too much, or when i see something that hurts me deeply, and makes me sad. *sigh* oh well, i guess i’ll have to ride this one out, and hope that it will pass.

I have been learning stuff. like how to understand myself, you see. i find that the best way to understand yourself is to watch carefully, take note of those things that are constant in you. I find that it’s not a one-off thing, like one reaction to a particular event. It has to be relatively constant, so that eventually, you can forge a position and know what is what. Yes, i have been studying myself. and i have seen how certain things spark particular reactions in me. It has been a very...enlightening period in my life.

I’m really glad i met up with Oyewallz again, for the simple reason that he is a thinker. I have a thing for thinkers you see, because they are very few in the world. Many people just live by the day, not caring for tomorrow. But thinkers, they care for deeper things. His is a brand of thinking that makes me consider my own life, and what i am doing with it. He does it in such a fun manner, such that you get the point, but you go back to really consider stuff.

I have never really thought about forging my own way, making something concrete out of my own life. Obviously i have the general desire for success, but nothing very specific, nothing extremely practical. But yesterday, after i witnessed something that kind of annoyed me, i realised that maybe the time has come. I’m not talking about some grand scheme of independence where i don’t rely on my family or whatever. I’m talking about taking proper responsibility for my life. Not being so dependent on anyone but God. I’m talking about responsibility to family, personal responsibility to God and my future. I’m talking about ceasing to depend on anyone but God for my state of mind. I’m talking about making a life, and a living, for myself.

I love my profession. I only began to realise this fully in my final year, second semester, when i could think clearly enough. I love the opportunities, the versatility, the strategy, the skills i have to acquire. I love the hard work, which oyewallz helped me to appreciate fully. I love the fact that it is practical, it requires careful thought and consideration.

Like i told him, i want to work at a particular place, to prove to myself that i am good enough. I want to have my own life, learn what it means to think for myself and for other people. I want to work on my relationship with God, not because my parents want me to, or against the backdrop of their own efforts, but because i am accountable for my own life, and to my own God.

I want to do all this, so that when the time comes and i have to consider someone else in the scheme of my life, i will not feel like i missed out on living for myself.
It’s time to forge my own way.