tener algo en la cabeza...

Once upon a time, there was a man. He met a girl and fell in love. What he saw in her was not clear, because she was not your everyday girl. But then again, He was not your run-off-the-mill guy. As far as the physical was, she did not...’call’ a man’s attention. Somehow, she managed to call his. She also called his heart. No one could understand the pair. But then again, it wasn’t for them to understand.

The man was not perfect, but he worked hard at being the best of himself. He was human, beautifully so. And he loved her with all his heart. She never could understand why.
The girl made choices, bad choices. The choices lead to a breaking apart. It was over.

And then, the man changed. Or so she thought. Because she did not recognise the person that he had become. She seemed to struggle to reconcile who she knew him to be to who he was being. The question then is, who had the identity crisis? The girl, who thought she ‘knew’ him, or the man, who was being himself all along?

Here is my take on this. There is hardly a concept as ‘who we are’. People say, ‘ I do this and that. It’s who I am’. Nonsense I think. All we have are different variants of who we can be. Some variants are comfortable, they feel secure and appropriate for the moment. They fit into our fine principles and ideals. Others are difficult, tasking, tight. Then there is that which is just easy. So, no one has one given form. People shift. That shift is called change. Its not like it was never there. It was always there. It just did not surface either because it wasn’t needed, or it wasn’t wanted, or it wasn’t encouraged enough.

Dear girl, there was no identity crisis on his part. He was only being one of the many things he could be. You saw an inkling of his best, and then an inkling of his worst. It could have gone either way at either time. The determining factors? Choice, and a strong dose of encouragement.

Morning Reflections...

I got this song yesterday, and I can't get myself to stop listening to it. Because it fits. It fits perfectly.

Sin and its ways grow old
All of my heart turns to stone
And I'm left with no strength to arise
I need to be lifted high.

Sin and its ways lead to pain
Left here with hurt and shame
So no longer will I leave Your side
Jesus You be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life Oh God
And I fall to my knees so its You that they see not I
Jesus You be lifted high.

And even now that I'm inside Your hands
Help me not to grow prideful again
Don't let me forsake sarcrifice
Jesus You be lifted high

And if I'm blessed with the riches of keys
How could I ever think that it was me
For You brought me from darkness to light
Jesus You be lifted high

You be lifted high...

Monday Morning Blues...

The weekend is over. And it was semi-wasted. Because I allowed someone else use their bad choices to spoil it for me. I let my guard down, and I was burnt. Burnt is a bit of an understatement.
I don't blame anyone. I take responsibility. Because I knocked on the door and presented myself happily, with a wide grin and a placard that said, 'Feel free to take me for a fool'.
Isn't this just the wrongest time...well, rubbish hardly ever occurs at the right time. Is there really a right time for rubbish?
I don't even know which hurt the most, the fact that it was from the most unexpected source, or the fact that I let it happen. I hoped so badly that I was wrong, that I was being ridiculous,and I would be reprimanded for even considering it. But it just goes to show that there's not much of a point putting anyone of any kind of mental pedestal. They'll just disappoint you to high heavens. There's a reason God said,that cursed is the man who puts his trust in man. Even if its on the simplest level, the result is just hurt. And hurt. And more hurt.

Well, that marks the end of that episode. Tis time to keep on keeping on. Those books won't read themselves.

Happy Birthday to the newest ray of sunshine that has brightened my life...I love you in a way the world will never understand, and I wish you all the beautiful things God has planned for you...

Ironu okan mi...

Started out with a head full of plans and a heart full of dreams.
Wisdom was the great goal, the biggest achievement, the principal thing.

The present position looks like nothing but foolishness.

Is this the final destination, or just a bend in the road?
An emotional reaction to a spiritual thing will never work.
No matter how it is panel-beaten, how it is adjusted and justified, it will fade.
Because emotion cannot anchor the spiritual. It is simply too weak. It can only
compliment, after the anchor is sure.

So when then shall I ditch this tirade of emotions? It has become old really.
Now I want results. Plain, simple, elegant results.

*sigh*... Emotions don't make me faithful to the end. They only laugh at me when I fall. For the umpteenth time.


So who exactly is running this joint? Me? Or my emotions?

Well, we are about to find out...

The End.

(This is probably the most abstract thing I have written yet...but to those who know me, it is probably not so abstract...it's random stuff that jumped into my head, when I realised that i actually may have gotten to the end of this road I had been struggling with for a while. And it feels so darn good!!! :) *now doing backflips in my head*...loool... *and now comporting myself*...oya read the thoughts in my head, put down on paper...)

Finally.


All I can do as I stand at the finish line is breathe. The air is so much cleaner on this side. I think about moving. Taking a step forward. But not yet. Right now all I want is to be still. To bask in the victory. I think I have that right. Not necessarily because I earned it. No. It was given to me. And as I hold on to it with my soul, all I can do is breathe.

The air is warm and clean. Unfamiliar. So very beautiful. it brings tears to my eyes, laughter to my lips. I'm not sure which to do first, so I do both. I'm at the finish line. I'm done. Nothing can take me back now. I'll rather die than go back.

I smile through my tears as I remember the final step. It was the weirdest thing. I would have been surprised if it was anything short of that. I live, breathe, speak weird. Its quite alright. Quite alright. But I love it. Every word spoken, every laugh, every thought. I love it. I'm glad I am not alone in my strange beauty. So very glad.
Is it time to move? Not yet. I savor the ambience of this moment. The End. And then the beginning. I cannot get enough. I can't believe it's me, here, now. I came out on the other side. Free. I love it!

Okay..before the world thinks I'm crazy, which they already do I'm sure...lets stop this crazy talk...they can't understand, not really...

Not yet though..first,a little dance to the Captain of my salvation...

Thank you so much Lord...I finally understand...Thank you...

June thoughts...

Its the month of June

Thank you Lord God, that I am still joined to all the living. So I still have hope. Afterall, a living dog is indeed better than a dead lion. Thank you merciful Lord.

Few things hurt like having to do something you loathe. But in the circumstance, you have no choice. Not in the moment anyway. So you keep doing it, as infrequently as possible, only out of sheer necessity. But you let it propel you to work hard. So that you can be free from that bondage of helplessness. One day,soon, you'll be free. One day, you'll look at him, smile and say, 'Its not necessary. Thanks anyway.'

Speaking of work. The month of June is here. Bar finals. I'm on the precipice of freaking out. Its dawning on me again. That feeling that comprises part-dread, part pity for yourself, part excitment. Pity because I know that sleep has gone from being a luxury to a necessity. It is time to do this. Properly. Cos after the month of June comes the beginning of the end.


Thank you so much Father. I don't know how you put up with me. I am getting sick and tired of me. So I have no idea how You do it. Something has to give. Kai...something has to give.

Good morning, wonderful Captain of my salvation.

Sleep calls...Busy day ahead.

One step closer to this dream of mine:2

Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, hot, cold, with its own disappointments...a really good day.

We went to Ibadan for a hearing at the appeal court. Myself, Lola, BAI and Doyin. For the fear of being late, I was too early at the pick-up point, but I was just happy I wasn't late. The biggest let-down was that we came all that way, with BAI preparing through the night, only for the Judges to postpone. It was the most insensitive thing. Wasn't like they were so booked for that day. As BAI said, they have no restraint, no consequence. Hence they can do whatever they want. Consequence is the only restraint on human conduct. But Nigeria has little or no sense of that. The Almighty God will judge.

But it wasn't all bad. We went to visit BAI's friend's farm. It was an awesome experience. And to think I was considering putting down my thoughts on my future farm dream, only for me to see one in real life! The land is massive, the work only just beginning. The air was so clean...pure and undiluted, without the fumes of city life. Myself and Lola were totally feeling it. Mr. Jackson took us on a tour. There would be 7 ponds, the orchard, the animal farm. They would rare cattle, grow all manner of things....I loved it! I absolutely loved it. By God's grace, I will be back there. I would love to see everything growing. One day, everything needed for food will be found on the farm. It would be unnecessary to buy anything. It was like a confirmation of this dream of mine. That was the highlight of yesterday for me.
I also got to see BAI's house when we dropped him at home. And quite a house it is! A true beauty. He has a lovely family, and I couldn't help praying that God would keep them together, whole, strong, happy and heaven-bound.

What is it about SCP that appeals to me? That makes the stress and the work worthwhile?
It could be because they are different....from another stock...and I can relate to being different.

One step closer to this dream...these dreams of mine.