Started out with a head full of plans and a heart full of dreams.
Wisdom was the great goal, the biggest achievement, the principal thing.
The present position looks like nothing but foolishness.
Is this the final destination, or just a bend in the road?
An emotional reaction to a spiritual thing will never work.
No matter how it is panel-beaten, how it is adjusted and justified, it will fade.
Because emotion cannot anchor the spiritual. It is simply too weak. It can only
compliment, after the anchor is sure.
So when then shall I ditch this tirade of emotions? It has become old really.
Now I want results. Plain, simple, elegant results.
*sigh*... Emotions don't make me faithful to the end. They only laugh at me when I fall. For the umpteenth time.
So who exactly is running this joint? Me? Or my emotions?
Well, we are about to find out...
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The End.
(This is probably the most abstract thing I have written yet...but to those who know me, it is probably not so abstract...it's random stuff that jumped into my head, when I realised that i actually may have gotten to the end of this road I had been struggling with for a while. And it feels so darn good!!! :) *now doing backflips in my head*...loool... *and now comporting myself*...oya read the thoughts in my head, put down on paper...)
Finally.
All I can do as I stand at the finish line is breathe. The air is so much cleaner on this side. I think about moving. Taking a step forward. But not yet. Right now all I want is to be still. To bask in the victory. I think I have that right. Not necessarily because I earned it. No. It was given to me. And as I hold on to it with my soul, all I can do is breathe.
The air is warm and clean. Unfamiliar. So very beautiful. it brings tears to my eyes, laughter to my lips. I'm not sure which to do first, so I do both. I'm at the finish line. I'm done. Nothing can take me back now. I'll rather die than go back.
I smile through my tears as I remember the final step. It was the weirdest thing. I would have been surprised if it was anything short of that. I live, breathe, speak weird. Its quite alright. Quite alright. But I love it. Every word spoken, every laugh, every thought. I love it. I'm glad I am not alone in my strange beauty. So very glad.
Is it time to move? Not yet. I savor the ambience of this moment. The End. And then the beginning. I cannot get enough. I can't believe it's me, here, now. I came out on the other side. Free. I love it!
Okay..before the world thinks I'm crazy, which they already do I'm sure...lets stop this crazy talk...they can't understand, not really...
Not yet though..first,a little dance to the Captain of my salvation...
Thank you so much Lord...I finally understand...Thank you...
Finally.
All I can do as I stand at the finish line is breathe. The air is so much cleaner on this side. I think about moving. Taking a step forward. But not yet. Right now all I want is to be still. To bask in the victory. I think I have that right. Not necessarily because I earned it. No. It was given to me. And as I hold on to it with my soul, all I can do is breathe.
The air is warm and clean. Unfamiliar. So very beautiful. it brings tears to my eyes, laughter to my lips. I'm not sure which to do first, so I do both. I'm at the finish line. I'm done. Nothing can take me back now. I'll rather die than go back.
I smile through my tears as I remember the final step. It was the weirdest thing. I would have been surprised if it was anything short of that. I live, breathe, speak weird. Its quite alright. Quite alright. But I love it. Every word spoken, every laugh, every thought. I love it. I'm glad I am not alone in my strange beauty. So very glad.
Is it time to move? Not yet. I savor the ambience of this moment. The End. And then the beginning. I cannot get enough. I can't believe it's me, here, now. I came out on the other side. Free. I love it!
Okay..before the world thinks I'm crazy, which they already do I'm sure...lets stop this crazy talk...they can't understand, not really...
Not yet though..first,a little dance to the Captain of my salvation...
Thank you so much Lord...I finally understand...Thank you...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
June thoughts...
Its the month of June
Thank you Lord God, that I am still joined to all the living. So I still have hope. Afterall, a living dog is indeed better than a dead lion. Thank you merciful Lord.
Few things hurt like having to do something you loathe. But in the circumstance, you have no choice. Not in the moment anyway. So you keep doing it, as infrequently as possible, only out of sheer necessity. But you let it propel you to work hard. So that you can be free from that bondage of helplessness. One day,soon, you'll be free. One day, you'll look at him, smile and say, 'Its not necessary. Thanks anyway.'
Speaking of work. The month of June is here. Bar finals. I'm on the precipice of freaking out. Its dawning on me again. That feeling that comprises part-dread, part pity for yourself, part excitment. Pity because I know that sleep has gone from being a luxury to a necessity. It is time to do this. Properly. Cos after the month of June comes the beginning of the end.
Thank you so much Father. I don't know how you put up with me. I am getting sick and tired of me. So I have no idea how You do it. Something has to give. Kai...something has to give.
Good morning, wonderful Captain of my salvation.
Sleep calls...Busy day ahead.
Thank you Lord God, that I am still joined to all the living. So I still have hope. Afterall, a living dog is indeed better than a dead lion. Thank you merciful Lord.
Few things hurt like having to do something you loathe. But in the circumstance, you have no choice. Not in the moment anyway. So you keep doing it, as infrequently as possible, only out of sheer necessity. But you let it propel you to work hard. So that you can be free from that bondage of helplessness. One day,soon, you'll be free. One day, you'll look at him, smile and say, 'Its not necessary. Thanks anyway.'
Speaking of work. The month of June is here. Bar finals. I'm on the precipice of freaking out. Its dawning on me again. That feeling that comprises part-dread, part pity for yourself, part excitment. Pity because I know that sleep has gone from being a luxury to a necessity. It is time to do this. Properly. Cos after the month of June comes the beginning of the end.
Thank you so much Father. I don't know how you put up with me. I am getting sick and tired of me. So I have no idea how You do it. Something has to give. Kai...something has to give.
Good morning, wonderful Captain of my salvation.
Sleep calls...Busy day ahead.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
One step closer to this dream of mine:2
Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, hot, cold, with its own disappointments...a really good day.
We went to Ibadan for a hearing at the appeal court. Myself, Lola, BAI and Doyin. For the fear of being late, I was too early at the pick-up point, but I was just happy I wasn't late. The biggest let-down was that we came all that way, with BAI preparing through the night, only for the Judges to postpone. It was the most insensitive thing. Wasn't like they were so booked for that day. As BAI said, they have no restraint, no consequence. Hence they can do whatever they want. Consequence is the only restraint on human conduct. But Nigeria has little or no sense of that. The Almighty God will judge.
But it wasn't all bad. We went to visit BAI's friend's farm. It was an awesome experience. And to think I was considering putting down my thoughts on my future farm dream, only for me to see one in real life! The land is massive, the work only just beginning. The air was so clean...pure and undiluted, without the fumes of city life. Myself and Lola were totally feeling it. Mr. Jackson took us on a tour. There would be 7 ponds, the orchard, the animal farm. They would rare cattle, grow all manner of things....I loved it! I absolutely loved it. By God's grace, I will be back there. I would love to see everything growing. One day, everything needed for food will be found on the farm. It would be unnecessary to buy anything. It was like a confirmation of this dream of mine. That was the highlight of yesterday for me.
I also got to see BAI's house when we dropped him at home. And quite a house it is! A true beauty. He has a lovely family, and I couldn't help praying that God would keep them together, whole, strong, happy and heaven-bound.
What is it about SCP that appeals to me? That makes the stress and the work worthwhile?
It could be because they are different....from another stock...and I can relate to being different.
One step closer to this dream...these dreams of mine.
We went to Ibadan for a hearing at the appeal court. Myself, Lola, BAI and Doyin. For the fear of being late, I was too early at the pick-up point, but I was just happy I wasn't late. The biggest let-down was that we came all that way, with BAI preparing through the night, only for the Judges to postpone. It was the most insensitive thing. Wasn't like they were so booked for that day. As BAI said, they have no restraint, no consequence. Hence they can do whatever they want. Consequence is the only restraint on human conduct. But Nigeria has little or no sense of that. The Almighty God will judge.
But it wasn't all bad. We went to visit BAI's friend's farm. It was an awesome experience. And to think I was considering putting down my thoughts on my future farm dream, only for me to see one in real life! The land is massive, the work only just beginning. The air was so clean...pure and undiluted, without the fumes of city life. Myself and Lola were totally feeling it. Mr. Jackson took us on a tour. There would be 7 ponds, the orchard, the animal farm. They would rare cattle, grow all manner of things....I loved it! I absolutely loved it. By God's grace, I will be back there. I would love to see everything growing. One day, everything needed for food will be found on the farm. It would be unnecessary to buy anything. It was like a confirmation of this dream of mine. That was the highlight of yesterday for me.
I also got to see BAI's house when we dropped him at home. And quite a house it is! A true beauty. He has a lovely family, and I couldn't help praying that God would keep them together, whole, strong, happy and heaven-bound.
What is it about SCP that appeals to me? That makes the stress and the work worthwhile?
It could be because they are different....from another stock...and I can relate to being different.
One step closer to this dream...these dreams of mine.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saying things as they are...
I am tall.
I've never really thought about it. I always knew I was tall, people would wonder at how tall I am. But I haven't actually thought of myself as tall...until recently. I told a friend I was about 6 ft tall. He was awed. I was pleased.
Now I'm gonna state things as they are. It may come off as blowing my own trumpet, but don't get it twisted. It really is just the way it is....lol...
I'm a tall black woman, the only one of my kind. I cause some to wonder, others to cower.
I'm beautiful, with a large forehead, lovely lips, liquid eyes.
Those eyes...they carry many expressions, many emotions.
Those lips...full of deep secrets...quite a puzzle...yes they are.
I have a marvellous frame....exquisitely crafted.
Broad toned shoulders, long arms, big brown legs. I have plains in the proper places, and magnificent curves to compliment them.
I forgot who I was, this wondrous creation of a phenomenal God. I met a vessel, and the only words she ever spoke to me were, 'Stand tall, be proud'.
I am a tall black woman, with deep rooted passions buried under the shroud of modesty. I am a woman of means, a woman of wit, a woman of candour. There is none like me, none that can be me. I am the show-case of divine power, a product of incomparable design.
I am me. black. strong. woman. me.
I've never really thought about it. I always knew I was tall, people would wonder at how tall I am. But I haven't actually thought of myself as tall...until recently. I told a friend I was about 6 ft tall. He was awed. I was pleased.
Now I'm gonna state things as they are. It may come off as blowing my own trumpet, but don't get it twisted. It really is just the way it is....lol...
I'm a tall black woman, the only one of my kind. I cause some to wonder, others to cower.
I'm beautiful, with a large forehead, lovely lips, liquid eyes.
Those eyes...they carry many expressions, many emotions.
Those lips...full of deep secrets...quite a puzzle...yes they are.
I have a marvellous frame....exquisitely crafted.
Broad toned shoulders, long arms, big brown legs. I have plains in the proper places, and magnificent curves to compliment them.
I forgot who I was, this wondrous creation of a phenomenal God. I met a vessel, and the only words she ever spoke to me were, 'Stand tall, be proud'.
I am a tall black woman, with deep rooted passions buried under the shroud of modesty. I am a woman of means, a woman of wit, a woman of candour. There is none like me, none that can be me. I am the show-case of divine power, a product of incomparable design.
I am me. black. strong. woman. me.
Friday, May 6, 2011
One step closer to this dream of mine...
Day 1, SCP
Mr Dapo is the first oga around, and our group leader is late.
Finally we are all in...all 11 of us, plus a prospective other to make us 12...double the amount they had to deal with last time...hehehe...
Mr Dapo comes for the introduction. And quite an introduction it is. We shall work ehn? I would squirm on a normal day, seeing that exam-related work still awaits me. But this is what I want. So how to make it work is the question.
Debola comes to show us the ropes. Deji comes to show us another angle of the ropes. Then we go to our office...at least the number of us that can fit into it.
Wait...our number might just be a good thing...two days off...two whole days!!! There is a God in heaven.
So knowing that closing time is at 6, its off to work with me. You hardly even know when its 6 o clock in this place...people don't ever seem to be ready to leave. But my Ma's incessant calls bring me back to reality..its getting late, and it looks like rain!
So I step out of the office, and the clouds are very angry...
Lord please hold the rain...but apparently Jehovah had other plans. The first drop hits me...oh dear..I haven't even gotten a bike yet. When I eventually get one at a ridiculous price, its raining now. Like proper rain. And my only protection is my pashmina. By golly, the rain feels like pins of ice pricking my skin.
*sigh*..one step closer to this dream of mine. Lord please I cannot fall sick on my first day. This is what I want, so its okay...sacrifice for the dream, all of that.
I finally get to the bus park, and I am pretty soaked. Then there's a queue...fantastic. Thankfully the rain has let up, and as I stand on the queue I dry off a tiny bit. But alas! My only source of warmth is now very cold. Into the a/c bus I go, and I only hope the Lord takes me home without a dreadful ailment. The bus is cooooold. Attempts to shut the vent were unsuccessful. A most uncomfortable ride, to say the least.
I finally get home at almost 10 o clock, and all I have energy for is warm clothes and my bed.
Great first day, wouldn't you say?
Day2
First day is over and done with. Today, Bimbo asked us to help with research. Somehow 'us' became just 'me', and I spent almost the whole day looking for authorities that seemed non existent! One time when I thought I was making progress, I realised it wasn't that much to work with. Nothing as frustrating as hitting a brick wall.
No worries though, when I settle in properly, these people will have my time.
Day 3
Another library day. Research isn't one of my favourite things, but at this rate it will be my love by force. When am I gonna see Prof. Yemi and Mr. Irukera? They have not been around since I got in. Plus I'm pretty behind on my file quota for the week. At this rate, I won't finish in time, with all these ancilliary duties that keep coming up. Finally, the two geniuses come in...no time to say hi though...they are pretty busy.
Hmm...apparently I won't have to wait till next week to make myself heard. Thanks to Bimbo, and Ikem, and my big mouth, I have a task....*deep breath*...this is it!
All in all, my first week was not bad. Sometimes its surreal...I can't believe I'm here! But thank God I am.
Now every moment must count. All the stress, the rain, the frustration, the work, everything brings me another step closer to this dream of mine...
Thank you Jesus...You are my hope of glory, and its You and me all the way.
Mr Dapo is the first oga around, and our group leader is late.
Finally we are all in...all 11 of us, plus a prospective other to make us 12...double the amount they had to deal with last time...hehehe...
Mr Dapo comes for the introduction. And quite an introduction it is. We shall work ehn? I would squirm on a normal day, seeing that exam-related work still awaits me. But this is what I want. So how to make it work is the question.
Debola comes to show us the ropes. Deji comes to show us another angle of the ropes. Then we go to our office...at least the number of us that can fit into it.
Wait...our number might just be a good thing...two days off...two whole days!!! There is a God in heaven.
So knowing that closing time is at 6, its off to work with me. You hardly even know when its 6 o clock in this place...people don't ever seem to be ready to leave. But my Ma's incessant calls bring me back to reality..its getting late, and it looks like rain!
So I step out of the office, and the clouds are very angry...
Lord please hold the rain...but apparently Jehovah had other plans. The first drop hits me...oh dear..I haven't even gotten a bike yet. When I eventually get one at a ridiculous price, its raining now. Like proper rain. And my only protection is my pashmina. By golly, the rain feels like pins of ice pricking my skin.
*sigh*..one step closer to this dream of mine. Lord please I cannot fall sick on my first day. This is what I want, so its okay...sacrifice for the dream, all of that.
I finally get to the bus park, and I am pretty soaked. Then there's a queue...fantastic. Thankfully the rain has let up, and as I stand on the queue I dry off a tiny bit. But alas! My only source of warmth is now very cold. Into the a/c bus I go, and I only hope the Lord takes me home without a dreadful ailment. The bus is cooooold. Attempts to shut the vent were unsuccessful. A most uncomfortable ride, to say the least.
I finally get home at almost 10 o clock, and all I have energy for is warm clothes and my bed.
Great first day, wouldn't you say?
Day2
First day is over and done with. Today, Bimbo asked us to help with research. Somehow 'us' became just 'me', and I spent almost the whole day looking for authorities that seemed non existent! One time when I thought I was making progress, I realised it wasn't that much to work with. Nothing as frustrating as hitting a brick wall.
No worries though, when I settle in properly, these people will have my time.
Day 3
Another library day. Research isn't one of my favourite things, but at this rate it will be my love by force. When am I gonna see Prof. Yemi and Mr. Irukera? They have not been around since I got in. Plus I'm pretty behind on my file quota for the week. At this rate, I won't finish in time, with all these ancilliary duties that keep coming up. Finally, the two geniuses come in...no time to say hi though...they are pretty busy.
Hmm...apparently I won't have to wait till next week to make myself heard. Thanks to Bimbo, and Ikem, and my big mouth, I have a task....*deep breath*...this is it!
All in all, my first week was not bad. Sometimes its surreal...I can't believe I'm here! But thank God I am.
Now every moment must count. All the stress, the rain, the frustration, the work, everything brings me another step closer to this dream of mine...
Thank you Jesus...You are my hope of glory, and its You and me all the way.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Very impromptu, totally random...
I will not pretend like that didn't hurt. Because it did. I'm not superhuman. Not yet anyway. But its okay...really it is. As I type this, and I feel the hurt subside, I know it actually is okay.
I was getting carried away...again. Not exactly hoping against hope like before,I think I'm past that. More like meandering along the edges of self delusion. My best Friend caught it, and He said, 'focus'.
Things are not the same. That's like stating that air is invisible. I am not the same...that's definite. But most important, the things I want are different...yes... Very different.
My mind has moved from the reality of my unrealism, through the carnage of my broken dreams. It has embraced the dark and picked up what's left. My soul has gone through deep waters, overwhelming and destructive, experienced the sting of consequence. But I didn't drown, because of Him. My best friend, whom I smile at, dream about, deeply desire. My desire for Him grows deeper. He did not let me drown. He brought me through the destruction, the fetters I built with my own hands, and He let me feel the stillness of the air, the beauty of silence. That which I thought I had lost, He gave it back to me.
My inconsistency mocks me sometimes, it tears at me, pulling me down. But I can't give up...I won't give up. So much at stake, so much to live for. It would be a shame really, if I did not rise above the shackles that bound me. Why stay bound, when the fetters have been removed? There's a whole new scheme of things waiting for me, a brand new set of hurdles to cross. There is the power that is made available to me, the confidence that no man can give, or take away.
By way of deviation, the whole world seems to be blogging these days. Its okay I guess, an avenue for people to speak their minds and all. I'm not interested in having a public blog though. Let's just say this is my online diary, which a very select few are privy to. Sometimes I read what I put down and I get an outside view of my own inner thoughts..weird no doubt...
Until next time when something annoys me to no end, or a random idea crosses my mind...its farewell...
Criminal litigation beckons.
I was getting carried away...again. Not exactly hoping against hope like before,I think I'm past that. More like meandering along the edges of self delusion. My best Friend caught it, and He said, 'focus'.
Things are not the same. That's like stating that air is invisible. I am not the same...that's definite. But most important, the things I want are different...yes... Very different.
My mind has moved from the reality of my unrealism, through the carnage of my broken dreams. It has embraced the dark and picked up what's left. My soul has gone through deep waters, overwhelming and destructive, experienced the sting of consequence. But I didn't drown, because of Him. My best friend, whom I smile at, dream about, deeply desire. My desire for Him grows deeper. He did not let me drown. He brought me through the destruction, the fetters I built with my own hands, and He let me feel the stillness of the air, the beauty of silence. That which I thought I had lost, He gave it back to me.
My inconsistency mocks me sometimes, it tears at me, pulling me down. But I can't give up...I won't give up. So much at stake, so much to live for. It would be a shame really, if I did not rise above the shackles that bound me. Why stay bound, when the fetters have been removed? There's a whole new scheme of things waiting for me, a brand new set of hurdles to cross. There is the power that is made available to me, the confidence that no man can give, or take away.
By way of deviation, the whole world seems to be blogging these days. Its okay I guess, an avenue for people to speak their minds and all. I'm not interested in having a public blog though. Let's just say this is my online diary, which a very select few are privy to. Sometimes I read what I put down and I get an outside view of my own inner thoughts..weird no doubt...
Until next time when something annoys me to no end, or a random idea crosses my mind...its farewell...
Criminal litigation beckons.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)