Forging my own way

This isn’t how I planned to start this piece. But lets just say something happened, and things changed.

I can feel it. The weight of guilt trying to close in on me. It is somewhat unfounded, because that which I feel guilty about was not really my doing, but then again, maybe it was. Maybe with a little more thought, and a little more foresight, it could have been avoided. But the feeling is there none the less. Its that feeling that crops up when i think too much, or when i see something that hurts me deeply, and makes me sad. *sigh* oh well, i guess i’ll have to ride this one out, and hope that it will pass.

I have been learning stuff. like how to understand myself, you see. i find that the best way to understand yourself is to watch carefully, take note of those things that are constant in you. I find that it’s not a one-off thing, like one reaction to a particular event. It has to be relatively constant, so that eventually, you can forge a position and know what is what. Yes, i have been studying myself. and i have seen how certain things spark particular reactions in me. It has been a very...enlightening period in my life.

I’m really glad i met up with Oyewallz again, for the simple reason that he is a thinker. I have a thing for thinkers you see, because they are very few in the world. Many people just live by the day, not caring for tomorrow. But thinkers, they care for deeper things. His is a brand of thinking that makes me consider my own life, and what i am doing with it. He does it in such a fun manner, such that you get the point, but you go back to really consider stuff.

I have never really thought about forging my own way, making something concrete out of my own life. Obviously i have the general desire for success, but nothing very specific, nothing extremely practical. But yesterday, after i witnessed something that kind of annoyed me, i realised that maybe the time has come. I’m not talking about some grand scheme of independence where i don’t rely on my family or whatever. I’m talking about taking proper responsibility for my life. Not being so dependent on anyone but God. I’m talking about responsibility to family, personal responsibility to God and my future. I’m talking about ceasing to depend on anyone but God for my state of mind. I’m talking about making a life, and a living, for myself.

I love my profession. I only began to realise this fully in my final year, second semester, when i could think clearly enough. I love the opportunities, the versatility, the strategy, the skills i have to acquire. I love the hard work, which oyewallz helped me to appreciate fully. I love the fact that it is practical, it requires careful thought and consideration.

Like i told him, i want to work at a particular place, to prove to myself that i am good enough. I want to have my own life, learn what it means to think for myself and for other people. I want to work on my relationship with God, not because my parents want me to, or against the backdrop of their own efforts, but because i am accountable for my own life, and to my own God.

I want to do all this, so that when the time comes and i have to consider someone else in the scheme of my life, i will not feel like i missed out on living for myself.
It’s time to forge my own way.

Forging my own way

This isn’t how I planned to start this piece. But lets just say something happened, and things changed.
I can feel it. The weight of guilt trying to close in on me. It is somewhat unfounded, because that which I feel guilty about was not really my doing, but then again, maybe it was. Maybe with a little more thought, and a little more foresight, it could have been avoided. But the feeling is there none the less. Its that feeling that crops up when i think too much, or when i see something that hurts me deeply, and makes me sad. *sigh* oh well, i guess i’ll have to ride this one out, and hope that it will pass.
i have been learning stuff. like how to understand myself, you see. i find that the best way to understand yourself is to watch carefully, take note of those things that are constant in you. I find that it’s not a one-off thing, like one reaction to a particular event. It has to be relatively constant, so that eventually, you can forge a position and know what is what. Yes, i have been studying myself. and i have seen how certain things spark particular reactions in me. It has been a very...enlightening period in my life.
I’m really glad i met up with Oyewallz again, for the simple reason that he is a thinker. I have a thing for thinkers you see, because they are very few in the world. Many people just live by the day, not caring for tomorrow. But thinkers, they care for deeper things. His is a brand of thinking that makes me consider my own life, and what i am doing with it. He does it in such a fun manner, such that you get the point, but you go back to really consider.
I have never really thought about forging my own way, making something concrete out of my own life. Obviously i have the general desire for success, but nothing very specific, nothing extremely practical. But yesterday, after i witnessed something that kind of annoyed me, i realised that maybe the time has come. I’m not talking about some grand scheme of independence where i don’t rely on my family or whatever. I’m talking about taking proper responsibility for my life. Not being so dependent on anyone but God. I’m talking about responsibility to family, personal responsibility to God and my future. I’m talking about ceasing to depend on anyone but God for my state of mind. I’m talking about making a life, and a living, for myself.
I love my profession. I only began to realise this fully in my final year, second semester, when i could think clearly enough. I love the opportunities, the versatility, the strategy, the skills i have to acquire. I love the hard work, which oyewallz helped me to appreciate fully. I love the fact that it is practical, it requires careful thought and consideration.
Like i told him, i want to work at a particular place, to prove to myself that i am good enough. I want to have my own life, learn what it means to think for myself and for other people. I want to work on my relationship with God, not because my parents want me to, or against the backdrop of their own efforts, but because i am accountable for my own life, and to my own God.
I want to do all this, so that when the time comes and i have to consider someone else in the scheme of my life, i will not feel like i missed out on living for myself.
It’s time to forge my own way.

the strangest things

The strangest things happen sometimes.

I'm a firm unbeliever in coincidence. I may not be able to accurately point out why and how stuff happens, but i don't believe they just happen.
So when i happen to just come by a certain movie on a certain laptop, i think, hmmm...
I guess i began the movie waiting for something bad to happen, since i had a heads-up. But that didnt make it any less surprising, nor did it make the tears any less real. Was a really nice story...if you like sad movies and stuff.I think i might have a nack for them. Might.
Got me thinking. Could i take that? How would i react? How would i live? I hope i never find out.
Maybe it's because in some strange way i could relate, particularly with their relationship. Falling in love with a weird guy...i know how that can be. Losing him, i know all too well. Losing him forever...i don't ever want to know.
Because no matter how wierd things are, no matter how much he pretends like he doesnt care, or i act like his life is his business, no matter how much we put up some stupid front, underneath, its all still there.
For the sake of my sanity and my sleep, i will not expound.

Good movie.

i cant think of a sensible title!

They say what don't kill you will make you stronger. Me, i'm about to find out, cos if this don't kill me, it had better make me super-strong!
Meanwhile, *singing in my best nasal voice* dinner time is very near,dinner day is in the air! yep our final year dinner is finally here, and i sincerely hope it turns out good, for many reasons. First, my friends have been working hard on it, like really hard,so it needs to pay off. Also, i'm bringing two people, and i really want it to be fun for them. it helps that the ticket fee came down 50%, now that was very cool...we are too mouthed!! lol... Lord knows i could use the fun at this point. Speaking of fun, i have some crazy things planned with one of my bestest buddies, and i do mean crazy! Really hope they happen, cos then i'll have more good stuff to remember this year for.
There's a task ahead of me. A rather difficult task, but a possible one. There's no such thing as impossible, cos the chance of an impossibility means i'll be majorly screwed. So it's all about getting it done now.

I've been playing with the idea of putting my very wakabout thoughts on paper, writing something slightly different. for my consumption only, and for yours too. I still trust you with the most sensitive, perhaps awkward parts of me.Yes, i'm talking to you. And i hope we can talk. Sometime. Soon.

Bittersweet.

Bittersweet.
Today was a day with mixed feelings for me. I think i’ll start with the bad, so that i can better enjoy the good.
It dawned on me anew that pastor’s wife is actually gone. It’s like the hurt of it is coming little by little upon me. I saw him today, and I saw the dark circles under his eyes. He is being brave, trusting God, and I commend him. But I wondered to myself, what will he eat when he gets home? Who will cook for him? Who will he eat with, talk, laugh and argue with? My heart went out to him. I have been hurt for his little children as well, who have been left without their mother. I cannot imagine life without my Ma and Pa, so i cannot really understand how they must feel, knowing they wont be seeing their mummy again...not on this earth anyways. I heard that the funeral was ‘bloody’, that my father wept. I cant tell my mum till the end of her holiday, I know she’ll weep too. Things like that make you scared, and appreciative of what you have. Things like that make you realise that the only reason you have what you have is by the mercy of God. I sincerely pray that the Lord will take good care of them.
The sunny side of the day now comes up. I had an amazing surprise at church today. YO had told me he would come visit, and that was something to look forward to. But he brought with him a surprise, LO! I was shocked speechless... kinda... He was the last person on earth I expected to see in my church on a Sunday morning, looking all sharp and wot-not. It was sooo nice to see them and chat, it has been 6 whole years! How time speeds past without you having a clue. To think that we were not really friends in high school and LO was beefing me cos he thought I was behind his expulsion! That was pretty funny. And oyewalls! As funny as ever! I had a marvellous time with them, and I hope we all get to hang out again soon. Of which they want to come for the dinner, I hope that works out.
So there goes a plesantly eventful Sunday. I’m back home, glad to be home, generally getting a feel of things...Its been about 7 weeks...wow...

I have less than 90 minutes of internet time left. Somehow I feel the need to bare my thoughts tonight.
I have had such an eventful life, an eventful year, an eventful month, even an eventful yesterday. I spent the last months of my stay in this school learning lessons of pain, of suffering, of weakness, of love. I have been realising new things, trying to let go of old ones. I have forged new friendships, one in particular that was fortified by the expression of my sorrow, one which will not be easily broken.
I love him. I love him to bits. This is one place where I can still say it, for anybody to hear, without pretence. I love him so much, I am willing to go through almost anything with him. I never thought the day would come when my love would reside in a dark, short(judging by my height) chubby 22 year old. I never thought the day would come when his strangely built (and large) head, big bottom, rounded belly, dark eyes, wonderfully broad shoulders, would be my definition of...perfection.
But that is what it is. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, this beholder has beheld her beauty. Its the kind that can only get better you see, because in my idle moments, I dream of how he could dedicate time to work-outs, how he could become much more than my dreams could hold, how he could leave me breathless by his very smile.
But then, such thoughts, I have learnt, bring in their wake, a wave of sadness, a potent reality that stares me in the face. A reality which I try to suppress, but which lurks somewhere, waiting to announce itself. The reality that I do not have him anymore.
Sometimes i still cannot understand how things could change so quickly in such a short time. Once upon a time, things were normal, simple, good. We shared the tiniest pleasures, the smallest intimacies which spoke volumes. Those things we used to do, those tender inconsequential things...and I do not still believe that they are no more. I cannot hold his hand in mine and weave my heart’s tapestry into them anymore. I cannot sit with him in the dark, face to face, while we talk and pray and promise to be honest with each other. I cannot call him for the sole purpose of hearing his voice, so I can draw inspiration for something difficult that I need to do. I cannot even speak with him anymore.
I guess these are the lessons that I have been forced to learn, that unusual things in life come with unusual consequences. That sometimes you have to let go of something with the single hope that maybe, just maybe, it will come back and it will be back to stay.
I try to console myself with this.
But I cannot console myself too much, because there’s also the possibility that it would not come back.
I’m sleepy. I’ve become foodious according to T.A... wait... I have always been foodiuos, thank God for good genes! But I think I’m allowed. I am trusting God for a wonderful result. I’m trusting God for many things.
At least i have something to be grateful for. I think i am better at containing the pain. I can now sleep. I’m not doing crazy things like before. Maybe I’m learning to manage. Maybe.
My brother and his friend came over today. Had good fun hanging with them. The friend is really sweet. Cakes orders are coming in again, so I can work on the business, at least until school beckons again. My old friend is coming to church on Sunday. He sounds like he is pretty deep, and i hope we can talk as well in person as we do over the net.
Life is happening, and i’m working on acceptance of those things that need to be right now. Little by little.

.....

Why?

why do you attack me so, with such brazen words?
why do you take my affections. my weakness, and knock them down with blocks of ice?
why do u not see my weakness, for what it really is?
why do you choose to stand, though justified,perhaps, but bent without feeling?
why do you not get, that my desperation speaks,
desperation for you, and for that which has become so vital in my world?
why do you launch such an attack, speak of unforgiveness,
like there was a matter which needed forgiveness in the first place?
why are you so quick to decide, that i hold a grudge, because you decide that you will not be moved?
why do you choose to see the worst of me, which is captured in me seeing the worst of you?
Keep your understanding, keep your self, keep the part of you which you try not to bare
because at the end of the day, it goes both ways. at the end of the day, you do not see.
at the end of the day, you are so blinded by your pain
and when the scales come off, may it not be too late.

It is indeed the end.