June thoughts...

Its the month of June

Thank you Lord God, that I am still joined to all the living. So I still have hope. Afterall, a living dog is indeed better than a dead lion. Thank you merciful Lord.

Few things hurt like having to do something you loathe. But in the circumstance, you have no choice. Not in the moment anyway. So you keep doing it, as infrequently as possible, only out of sheer necessity. But you let it propel you to work hard. So that you can be free from that bondage of helplessness. One day,soon, you'll be free. One day, you'll look at him, smile and say, 'Its not necessary. Thanks anyway.'

Speaking of work. The month of June is here. Bar finals. I'm on the precipice of freaking out. Its dawning on me again. That feeling that comprises part-dread, part pity for yourself, part excitment. Pity because I know that sleep has gone from being a luxury to a necessity. It is time to do this. Properly. Cos after the month of June comes the beginning of the end.


Thank you so much Father. I don't know how you put up with me. I am getting sick and tired of me. So I have no idea how You do it. Something has to give. Kai...something has to give.

Good morning, wonderful Captain of my salvation.

Sleep calls...Busy day ahead.

One step closer to this dream of mine:2

Yesterday was a good day. Stressful, hot, cold, with its own disappointments...a really good day.

We went to Ibadan for a hearing at the appeal court. Myself, Lola, BAI and Doyin. For the fear of being late, I was too early at the pick-up point, but I was just happy I wasn't late. The biggest let-down was that we came all that way, with BAI preparing through the night, only for the Judges to postpone. It was the most insensitive thing. Wasn't like they were so booked for that day. As BAI said, they have no restraint, no consequence. Hence they can do whatever they want. Consequence is the only restraint on human conduct. But Nigeria has little or no sense of that. The Almighty God will judge.

But it wasn't all bad. We went to visit BAI's friend's farm. It was an awesome experience. And to think I was considering putting down my thoughts on my future farm dream, only for me to see one in real life! The land is massive, the work only just beginning. The air was so clean...pure and undiluted, without the fumes of city life. Myself and Lola were totally feeling it. Mr. Jackson took us on a tour. There would be 7 ponds, the orchard, the animal farm. They would rare cattle, grow all manner of things....I loved it! I absolutely loved it. By God's grace, I will be back there. I would love to see everything growing. One day, everything needed for food will be found on the farm. It would be unnecessary to buy anything. It was like a confirmation of this dream of mine. That was the highlight of yesterday for me.
I also got to see BAI's house when we dropped him at home. And quite a house it is! A true beauty. He has a lovely family, and I couldn't help praying that God would keep them together, whole, strong, happy and heaven-bound.

What is it about SCP that appeals to me? That makes the stress and the work worthwhile?
It could be because they are different....from another stock...and I can relate to being different.

One step closer to this dream...these dreams of mine.

Saying things as they are...

I am tall.

I've never really thought about it. I always knew I was tall, people would wonder at how tall I am. But I haven't actually thought of myself as tall...until recently. I told a friend I was about 6 ft tall. He was awed. I was pleased.
Now I'm gonna state things as they are. It may come off as blowing my own trumpet, but don't get it twisted. It really is just the way it is....lol...

I'm a tall black woman, the only one of my kind. I cause some to wonder, others to cower.
I'm beautiful, with a large forehead, lovely lips, liquid eyes.
Those eyes...they carry many expressions, many emotions.
Those lips...full of deep secrets...quite a puzzle...yes they are.
I have a marvellous frame....exquisitely crafted.
Broad toned shoulders, long arms, big brown legs. I have plains in the proper places, and magnificent curves to compliment them.

I forgot who I was, this wondrous creation of a phenomenal God. I met a vessel, and the only words she ever spoke to me were, 'Stand tall, be proud'.

I am a tall black woman, with deep rooted passions buried under the shroud of modesty. I am a woman of means, a woman of wit, a woman of candour. There is none like me, none that can be me. I am the show-case of divine power, a product of incomparable design.

I am me. black. strong. woman. me.

One step closer to this dream of mine...

Day 1, SCP

Mr Dapo is the first oga around, and our group leader is late.
Finally we are all in...all 11 of us, plus a prospective other to make us 12...double the amount they had to deal with last time...hehehe...
Mr Dapo comes for the introduction. And quite an introduction it is. We shall work ehn? I would squirm on a normal day, seeing that exam-related work still awaits me. But this is what I want. So how to make it work is the question.
Debola comes to show us the ropes. Deji comes to show us another angle of the ropes. Then we go to our office...at least the number of us that can fit into it.
Wait...our number might just be a good thing...two days off...two whole days!!! There is a God in heaven.
So knowing that closing time is at 6, its off to work with me. You hardly even know when its 6 o clock in this place...people don't ever seem to be ready to leave. But my Ma's incessant calls bring me back to reality..its getting late, and it looks like rain!
So I step out of the office, and the clouds are very angry...
Lord please hold the rain...but apparently Jehovah had other plans. The first drop hits me...oh dear..I haven't even gotten a bike yet. When I eventually get one at a ridiculous price, its raining now. Like proper rain. And my only protection is my pashmina. By golly, the rain feels like pins of ice pricking my skin.
*sigh*..one step closer to this dream of mine. Lord please I cannot fall sick on my first day. This is what I want, so its okay...sacrifice for the dream, all of that.
I finally get to the bus park, and I am pretty soaked. Then there's a queue...fantastic. Thankfully the rain has let up, and as I stand on the queue I dry off a tiny bit. But alas! My only source of warmth is now very cold. Into the a/c bus I go, and I only hope the Lord takes me home without a dreadful ailment. The bus is cooooold. Attempts to shut the vent were unsuccessful. A most uncomfortable ride, to say the least.
I finally get home at almost 10 o clock, and all I have energy for is warm clothes and my bed.
Great first day, wouldn't you say?

Day2
First day is over and done with. Today, Bimbo asked us to help with research. Somehow 'us' became just 'me', and I spent almost the whole day looking for authorities that seemed non existent! One time when I thought I was making progress, I realised it wasn't that much to work with. Nothing as frustrating as hitting a brick wall.
No worries though, when I settle in properly, these people will have my time.

Day 3
Another library day. Research isn't one of my favourite things, but at this rate it will be my love by force. When am I gonna see Prof. Yemi and Mr. Irukera? They have not been around since I got in. Plus I'm pretty behind on my file quota for the week. At this rate, I won't finish in time, with all these ancilliary duties that keep coming up. Finally, the two geniuses come in...no time to say hi though...they are pretty busy.

Hmm...apparently I won't have to wait till next week to make myself heard. Thanks to Bimbo, and Ikem, and my big mouth, I have a task....*deep breath*...this is it!

All in all, my first week was not bad. Sometimes its surreal...I can't believe I'm here! But thank God I am.
Now every moment must count. All the stress, the rain, the frustration, the work, everything brings me another step closer to this dream of mine...

Thank you Jesus...You are my hope of glory, and its You and me all the way.

Very impromptu, totally random...

I will not pretend like that didn't hurt. Because it did. I'm not superhuman. Not yet anyway. But its okay...really it is. As I type this, and I feel the hurt subside, I know it actually is okay.

I was getting carried away...again. Not exactly hoping against hope like before,I think I'm past that. More like meandering along the edges of self delusion. My best Friend caught it, and He said, 'focus'.

Things are not the same. That's like stating that air is invisible. I am not the same...that's definite. But most important, the things I want are different...yes... Very different.

My mind has moved from the reality of my unrealism, through the carnage of my broken dreams. It has embraced the dark and picked up what's left. My soul has gone through deep waters, overwhelming and destructive, experienced the sting of consequence. But I didn't drown, because of Him. My best friend, whom I smile at, dream about, deeply desire. My desire for Him grows deeper. He did not let me drown. He brought me through the destruction, the fetters I built with my own hands, and He let me feel the stillness of the air, the beauty of silence. That which I thought I had lost, He gave it back to me.

My inconsistency mocks me sometimes, it tears at me, pulling me down. But I can't give up...I won't give up. So much at stake, so much to live for. It would be a shame really, if I did not rise above the shackles that bound me. Why stay bound, when the fetters have been removed? There's a whole new scheme of things waiting for me, a brand new set of hurdles to cross. There is the power that is made available to me, the confidence that no man can give, or take away.

By way of deviation, the whole world seems to be blogging these days. Its okay I guess, an avenue for people to speak their minds and all. I'm not interested in having a public blog though. Let's just say this is my online diary, which a very select few are privy to. Sometimes I read what I put down and I get an outside view of my own inner thoughts..weird no doubt...

Until next time when something annoys me to no end, or a random idea crosses my mind...its farewell...

Criminal litigation beckons.

Double clicking on that 'P' button!

I have come to the rather saddening but not so shocking realisation that we don't have music in this country.

Okay..hold up..let me explain. I acknowledge that this is a rather general statement, and as to all generalisations, I'm sure there exists some exceptions lurking about here and there. However. I am dealing with the rather annoying generality of what we call music in Nigeria, and I am viciously hitting that P button!

It all began one morning, as I was on the bus on my way to work. Apparently there is now 'transit t.v', and it has constituted a nuisance to my peaceful mornings. So on this stunning new invention *i roll my eyes*, all they show is music. Nigerian music. So its either they chose songs to punish us at the crack of dawn, or the options are just very limited. Imagine listening to some ridiculous sex-laden song, devoid of common sense so early in the day! I was irritated beyond measure. So now I plug my ears with my own music most of the time.

This new transit t.v infringing on my freedom of silence opened my eyes to see what exactly we call music in this nation. Now do not get me wrong, I'm not coming from the angle of 'if its not gospel music, its bad music', (even though I'm sure the world would be a much better place if all songs glorified the King of kings). I'm saying that the songs we have these days are totally devoid of talent. There are few, very few exceptions, like the T.y Bellos and the Jodies of this world. But mostly, what we have are a bunch of people recycling the same old junk..its soo predictable. If he's not talking about sex, or money, or booze, she's talking about some old lover boy, or being heartbroken. Seriously people, surely this is not all we think about. It can't be! Because if it is, our generation is in trouble for sure. I know a number of young people, so I'm sure there are individuals who actually reflect on meaningful stuff.

Apart from the content of the songs, there's the type or is it the genre of music. All we have these days sounds like party music. Dance hall. Many many beats, lots of whining and grinding. Why in the world will I want to listen to such noise at 6.30 in the morning? I don't want to! And I doubt a lot of sane people want to. Its like the target of our musicians is to have their songs rocking on the dance floor, or in some hotel room. What happened to nice soothing music that does not involve any booty shaking?

I don't have that much exposure to secular music, but I'm far from ignorant. So a few examples come to mind. John Mayer. Micheal Bubble. Jill Scott. Bruno Mars. These guys could be singing about a love interest, or about something really silly. But they make it so beautiful. They are CREATIVE about it. Theirs is the kind of music that I could listen to on 'by-force t.v'. Because I would not cringe at its lewdity. We need to realise that you don't have to put naked girls on your video to make it pop. 'Nakedity' is all over the place, it don't pop no more. Its old and boring. I'm sure there are some members of the men-folk which may still enjoy it, but hopefully, we also have some intellectual, brilliantly sensible and non-myopic men. Hopefully.

The bottom line of this rant. If transit t.v, and the social media in general, will make it almost unavoidable that I listen to secular music, then by all means, we can have sensible, non-offensive music, at the very least. Let's engage the creative sides of our brain. Let's do something that will leave a mark. Let's try not to get good citizens (like yours truely) pissed off so early in the morning!!! Leave the Dance Hall music where it belongs...in the dance halls.

..i have no idea...

I'm a tired, sleep- deprived, overworked young woman who has come to a rather simple conclusion.

Disobedience has terrible consequences.

No, terrible does not adequately describe it. More like devastating? Mind-shattering? Catastrophic? Take your pick.

All my experience over the past three years...all has led up to this moment. You know that moment of clarity everyone talks about, where the truth stares you in the face and you have absolutely nowhere to hide. That's precisely where I am.

Only problem is, I do not have a clue as to what to do about it.

Its almost amusing, how it can take so long to make a point, or rather, to understand a point. But I finally get it. Its not dem-say, or whatever. My whole being finalyy gets the point. I disobeyed. And now, I am reaping the consequences. Very unpleasant consequences.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this one. Not a clue. Maybe I'll document my lessons. I don't know.

It took me this long to realise it. When God says you should do something, Its not because He likes to talk. Its because He knows what will happen to you if you don't do it. It isn't Him that will suffer. Noooo....all the appertunances of the experience will land squarely at your feet.

Dayum...now I'm just speechless...

Ah well, it would appear that I have overcome my initial fear of pain. Now I have come to accept that pain is a part of life. On this side of the divide, there is no escaping it. Which makes heaven so much more inviting. Perhaps I should concentrate on leaving those things that don't want me to get there.

Ah...finally...finally, I get it.